I missed you today. I had to resist the million urges I had to message
you silly things. I needed you to miss me too, if only a
little. I wonder though if you noticed I wasn't there. I haven't heard. You've stopped reaching out to
me lately. No morning texts, no random calls. When I'm upset, hurting
you're there reaching out but on the other days it's always a response
to me. Maybe I don't make it simple. Safe. But that's just who I am.
You know that. I've realized too that I'm not good at needing people, it's a bit harder to care for me but I need it all the same.
Maybe even more.
I watched you last night - time and time again
you reached out to your best friends but not to me. In many ways I'm
jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they
get the you that I want. The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness.
I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate,
gentlemanly - this thing you do for them. Them. But as I sat back and
watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?
I
question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets? All I did last night
was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you
to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me. You
responded too, every time. Responded. Reacted. No action though.
Nothing specifically for me except what I stole. I don't want to be a
thief. I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or
more. Give and take. Reciprocal. There's no true happiness any other
way.
Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me. Randomly. The
boy who suggests dinner and documentaries. Who calls me, just because
and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I
blissfully drift to sleep. I see it from a distance across a crowded
room, eyes searching for my blue shirt. In a caress on my back in a
bookstore. I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those
moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity
coming out. Grasping.
I need the man who can agree that a hug feels
great rather than changing the subject. Deflecting. I need the man who
grabs my hand first because he just can't
stop himself. The one who spins me around in a joyful dance. The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little
and who is vulnerable enough to need me too. The man who wants me as
much as I want him - equal. But you've been clear - you're not that man. At least not yet.
Everything logically tells me you're falling for
me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in. Your silence, your retreat. I
have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for
me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems. I
know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the
bottom either. I need you too it just looks different. You'll see.
