Reflections of 2011 seemed easier as so many things changed in big ways last
year. This year was the opposite. Though I’ve continued to learn and grow over
the past year things stayed mostly the same and I am surprisingly comfortable
with this fact. I am excited going into 2013,
I feel energized and settled and whole.
I am open to what it holds for me, the potential. I feel ready now for things that I’ve wanted
for so long that I was (probably) never ready for in the past. Maybe it took a new beginning, a fresh start
or perhaps I’ve only just now found the place that I feel I belong to. Perth doesn’t feel temporary like Toronto and
even Vancouver did. It feels like home.
And so, my reflections on 2012 should to start with looking back on what I wanted
when the year started.
I want to fall in love... truly, with
someone who is willing to fall in love back… I want a life, independent
and entwined with someone else… Someone who challenges me and makes me better
and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the
present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"
Love has started to catch me by surprise this year. It’s no longer scary to me even while I start
to fall in love with a boy who might possibly never love me back. In the past I would have been terrified of
this (I still am a little) but where I once would have held back out of fear of
being left behind I now realize that opening my heart to love doesn’t make me
lose control but rather allows me full expression
of my feelings, my choices, independent of any outside influence. Being able to love without expectation is
freeing in ways I never would have imagined.
In letting go of an assumed outcome I’ve been surprised at how open my
heart can be. I am conscious of the many
moments that make my heart unguardedly swell with love, they don’t look like
what I thought they would – they are simple and pure and innocent. Random. Warm and honest and real. No judgments and definitely no expectation.
While I haven’t fallen fully in love in 2012 I am so much closer to it than I
ever have been and I’m hopeful. I
believe in myself now, I’ve learned that this year. I know I deserve (romantic) love in its most
open and honest form and that it will happen, naturally, in time. With patience. And I’m sure it will surprise me too. I have also opened my eyes to the love that
surrounds me every day. Family and
friends, moments, connections. It all
looks different but still, I see it everywhere.
It’s humbling and satisfying and really what life is ultimately about.
I want to travel... far and wide,
exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the
culture and language, the pace and customs...
I really didn’t do much travel in 2012.
There was a brief long weekend down south with my parents and Justyn but
that seemed all too brief. There was the
month spent back in North America but that felt all too familiar though was
amazing to reconnect with old friends.
Most of 2012 was just spent living, being. Finding happiness in the everyday rather than
the bigger trips. I do want to see more
of the world but I don’t feel the need to constantly be on a plane, perhaps
because everything is so much farther away from Perth. I am happy where I am in this moment.
I don't want roots... I want freedom
to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city,
country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving -
so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me.
Australia, South and Central America... "passport
stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"
This one has definitely changed for me.
I’m not sure I can adequately express my feelings on it as they are in a
bit of flux right now but I can see the value of roots. Of surrounding myself with a community of people
who are passionate and supportive and open.
That feeling of connectedness, not to a place but more to the people in
it. I have that here and perhaps that’s
why I feel more settled than I’ve ever been.
I have friends who truly want the best for me, without need for anything
in return. And they get that back,
unconditionally. Happiness for all. There is no competition of who is the best –
just acceptance that we’re all different and pushing to be the best selves we
can be. It’s inspiring and encouraging. So while actually owning a house isn’t
something I can wrap my head around, I now see the beauty in being in one place
– as I start to think about a family of my own, of child(ren) it feels right. A home base.
To come and go from - my yearning to travel, to see the world, will
always exist - but to have roots, a community, a place to call home, to be
connected to – I want that.
I want a job that I love, that
challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing.
I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or
structure. I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that
would sound like.
This is truer than ever. Though 2012
saw me lose my old job it didn’t sadden me at all. In fact it strengthened my resolve to stay in
Australia, pushed me to find a new one.
Is it my dream one? No. But it does challenge me and I am good at it
and I do enjoy it most of the time. For now,
until I can make more sense of what it is that I do want it works for me. I still struggle with the writing though and I
do need to make this more of a priority.
I have a (mostly) crossfit blog that has gotten almost 15,000 page views
now but I want to write more creatively.
Share my stories somehow, make them clearer and more relatable. I want a bigger outlet for my creativity
overall and I still need to make it a priority.
I want to continue my quest to be
stronger, better. Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing
the wonderful... moderation.
I aced this in 2012. Early in the
year it started with a three week strict paleo ‘diet’ that taught me that
eating healthier isn’t all that hard and that moderation in all things is
key. I’ve gotten heaps stronger throughout
the year though at times my mind still struggles to comprehend this (I’m
working on that one now). My body is in
the best physical shape that it’s ever been in and overall my head is too. I still enjoy being lazy (at times) and
chocolate (at times) and alcohol too (at times) but my life no longer revolves
around these things as it seemingly once did.
Instead I choose to connect with friends over workouts, playing and
laughing and beaching. I’m comfortable
with who I am and for 2013 this will be a continuation, a constant state of
being for the rest of my life.
2013
So what do I want from this year. I
have sat with this thought over the last few weeks and I can honestly say I don’t
know. I am happy. Truly and fully happy. Sure, shit happens but I bounce back from it
better than I ever have – seeing the lessons, learning to change the story that
I spin on things – seeing the positive over the negative, trusting in the good. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ somehow became
my motto in 2012 – mostly focused around crossfit workouts but when applied to
everything else has the same effect. If
the answer isn’t death or dismemberment then it probably isn’t all that bad and
I’ll carry this with me into 2013.
I truly don’t want for anything right now – not in my immediate future. I do want a family, child(ren) but I don’t
feel the need to rush that, I trust that it will happen in time if I keep being
open to it. I want to continue to feed
my happiness, surround myself with people I love, do things that make me smile,
be open to new challenges, experience everything in each moment, be vulnerable,
connected and communicate from my heart. These things can’t be wrapped into measurable
goals and so I’m not going to try. I’m just going to live. Today.
One day at a time rather than waiting on the future. “To be
passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the
idea of the future”
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