July 1st...

Each month I'm going to send another email to you.. I am determined we'll talk again...

July 2011...

people always leave...

it was a line just used on a show I'm watching and a perfect fit for you and I...

I tried calling you a million times on my drive back east...
still try and call you...
your phone always goes straight to voicemail and I'm sure you delete my messages....

but on that day...
on my drive back east...
I decided that I'd email you a the beginning of each month....
try to wear you down, show you i'm for real...

I don't know if it'll work but I have to try.

I have to try for all the times that you told me we'd always be able to connect
For all the times I remember the Italy debacle and how somehow we made it through
For how after all these years I've realized that it was you who taught me how to love...

I miss you.  I admit that, fully, completely.
Bryan Adams was right... though I never thought you'd be completely gone.

I did take you for granted and there are a million things I wish I could now go back and change...
-not written that letter
-hung around that night in thunder bay when you were out and your sister forgot to give me the message
-not been a complete jackass in boston and shared your bed
-not pushed you out of mine so many times
-or rejected your late night phonecalls
-and hugs

I miss it all... and more.  All that could have been and what never was.  You.  My friend.

I often dream that we get many chances to live the same life... reincarnation in a weird form.
I hope that I get to do this all over again... differently.  You and me.
I want to go back, not take you for granted.

See the details in the photos
Read the meanings in the mixed tape songs
Know that you only had eyes for me from so far away

More than anything I wish to go back and do it all again and since I can't...
I will keep trying to connect
through phone
and text...
emails every month.

I'm determined.  You know that...

I want your arms around me once again
Your gaze staring solely at me
A hug... your surprise at the connection
the butterflies...
pressed up against the railing of the bridge..

Though i know in my heart we can never go back...
Though I wish for you to be happily in love by now...
And your marriage and kids and future... all outstanding...
I will still reach out to be your friend...
will wonder what I actually said in that ill fated message,
in those days that I both loved and hated you all at once.

A part of me still loves you...
always will...
you taught me how to open my heart - to see what was out there...
to realize that it's okay to love without any expectation of things in return...
you... only you.

I protected myself from you - was still damaged...
been so damaged by people leaving me...
but you always came back - I cherished that...
but not this time... I was right once again...
you left
but I didn't want you to... not you...

and so I will always reach out...
hope we can reconnect one day
I want to say I'm sorry and make amends for so many things
and to celebrate our futures... and to finally see
Not everyone leaves... at least not you.