December
Six months ago I started writing to you - these monthly notes... inspired by a late June drive across the prairies, darkness surrounding me - became a way to reach out to you one last time. Last time.
It was on a different drive home tonight, summer once again warm upon my skin in the dark evening air that I realised it's time to stop - this one last time. Last time.
The same song was playing in both moments- the one I sent to you that first month... nevermind, I'll find someone like you - and I will, and I have - better even as he knows me now - the amazing women I've grown into - not hiding anymore, no longer running. I think you'd like me now. I've come a long way since you last truly knew who I was and I think that's what made me realise it's time to let go. I'm such a different person - perhaps I'm finally the person that you saw all along but now - now I see it too. Perhaps I'm the only one who does but that's the beauty of it all - it's all that matters. Me. I don't need your reflection anymore - haven't actually for a long time it's just taken me a while to let go. I'm happy with who I have become, who I am. I'm happy.
I wish nothing but the best for you... I truly hope you have found your happiness, have maybe even settled down and if you haven't yet please don't be jaded - don't let that overcome you - the you that I knew - the one I wasn't ready for... no regrets remember. I think the last time I saw you I started to see it, the bitterness - overlooked it because of our history but you seemed disillusioned - I hope that's not the case - hope it was merely a moment in time - that you've moved on to bigger and better, found everything you could dream of. Everything. More.
And so this is goodbye - I have to let you go. While I wish we could find a way back to friendship, in my heart I know our story ended long ago, never fully had a change to start - timing all wrong, growing up still to do. It just took me this long to let go. Hate letting go. Still struggle with the thought of it all while the tears fill my eyes one last time. You'll always be in my heart - for the amazing times we did have, the ones I remember most. For the struggles - the things I wish I could go back and change, known better. For the moments that passed us by too soon. I remember it all, will always remember it all. Don't forget me I beg.
****
You're gone and I miss you - who know Bryan Adams could be so profound - or perhaps that was merely you foreshadowing how it would all end...
Showing posts with label ft. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ft. Show all posts
02 December 2011
01 November 2011
Day 74... November 1st...
November 1st, another month gone by. Memories fading, new memories being made. It's different this year, this month... the month where I normally feel your presence more, feel the past, feel the longing. This year it's different. The sun shines where the rain usually falls, the nights are spent in endless conversations with someone that's not you. It's better, it's now. Present, not past. Future perhaps. It makes me happy.
My thoughts of you are still there, you're still there - I can feel you through the distance but your silence is wearing on me, wearing me down. I know I've promised to write at the beginning of every month and I will but I can't promise that my words won't change. Tone. I'm happy here, the sunshine reflects my mood - the rain is gone and you're slowly fading with it.
My thoughts of you are still there, you're still there - I can feel you through the distance but your silence is wearing on me, wearing me down. I know I've promised to write at the beginning of every month and I will but I can't promise that my words won't change. Tone. I'm happy here, the sunshine reflects my mood - the rain is gone and you're slowly fading with it.
10 September 2011
Day 22... October 1st...
This is for October 1st... a start.
I wonder if you'd recognize me now. If I am anything like the girl you fell in love with years ago. I wonder if the only difference is that I am now ready to love back?
I wonder if you'd recognize me now. If I am anything like the girl you fell in love with years ago. I wonder if the only difference is that I am now ready to love back?
01 September 2011
Day 13... September 1st...
September 1, 2011. Another month gone by... time slowly ticking by on the story of you and I. It's been almost 16 years to the day since I met you - I was an overconfident, the world is mine, eager to please teenager entering the big scary world for the first time all on my own. I was also naive and scared, hiding behind the hugest of walls that you were determined to see over, around, behind - and you did. It's only taken time and perspective, growing to figure out who I am, that girl you saw so many years ago and yet even still, I only grasp the smallest fraction of this wide world we occupy.
I wondered a lot this month why I choose to still write to you - on the first of every month. I was wondering if it was in fact completely selfish of me to do so, to push my way back into your world. But then I think that perhaps you don't even see my words. They get lost into the cyber world I send them off to. Words then that ultimately are only mine. My changing perspectives, missing you, apologies. Mostly apologies.
My words each month are my penance - solace to you - perhaps just to me. But the universe doesn't distinguish. I have so many years to apologize for - and maybe if you'd just once acknowledge this then I'd be able to let go. I can't say move on because even after all this time I can't picture my world without you in it... it can't happen. It would break me. And so I hang on. Hope that it will all turn around. That perhaps we can go back. I'm not sure how this time though - I know I've had more chances than any girl could ever ask for even though I didn't realize it at the time they were being given - over and over and over....
I want one day - one more day for you and me... that's all. Anywhere. I want to make up for all the hugs I shied away from, from the laughter and silliness that was our foundation, our beginning. I want the boy who looked at me in that special way that only he could - the look that I failed to recognize in those days. The ones that pictures still remind me of. I want to apologize profusely even though I don't know the right words - there are no words. I want to make it up to you. I want to teleport to places, times where I can see I screwed up, time after time. I want a do over... to re-live those moments of my past, just the moments that contain you. You. Only you. But I can't. You won't let me. And so I keep writing... putting words out there into the ether hoping that perhaps, just once they will reach you and you'll reach back, even just to say hi.
I miss you!
I wondered a lot this month why I choose to still write to you - on the first of every month. I was wondering if it was in fact completely selfish of me to do so, to push my way back into your world. But then I think that perhaps you don't even see my words. They get lost into the cyber world I send them off to. Words then that ultimately are only mine. My changing perspectives, missing you, apologies. Mostly apologies.
My words each month are my penance - solace to you - perhaps just to me. But the universe doesn't distinguish. I have so many years to apologize for - and maybe if you'd just once acknowledge this then I'd be able to let go. I can't say move on because even after all this time I can't picture my world without you in it... it can't happen. It would break me. And so I hang on. Hope that it will all turn around. That perhaps we can go back. I'm not sure how this time though - I know I've had more chances than any girl could ever ask for even though I didn't realize it at the time they were being given - over and over and over....
I want one day - one more day for you and me... that's all. Anywhere. I want to make up for all the hugs I shied away from, from the laughter and silliness that was our foundation, our beginning. I want the boy who looked at me in that special way that only he could - the look that I failed to recognize in those days. The ones that pictures still remind me of. I want to apologize profusely even though I don't know the right words - there are no words. I want to make it up to you. I want to teleport to places, times where I can see I screwed up, time after time. I want a do over... to re-live those moments of my past, just the moments that contain you. You. Only you. But I can't. You won't let me. And so I keep writing... putting words out there into the ether hoping that perhaps, just once they will reach you and you'll reach back, even just to say hi.
I miss you!
01 August 2011
August 1st...
Another month... life is settling in Australia for me, I'm happy. Truly happy and yet there is still a (small) hole in my heart that yearns for you - to have you back in my life. I miss you and still you never answer your phone. I worry sometimes - maybe something has happened, maybe you're not even on this planet any more and it's something I can't even comprehend - it freaks me out to think that something like that could happen and I'd really have no idea. I can't convey how much I miss you - I do. You are so much a part of me and I wish you could see me know - see what I have become. See what I needed to be before I ever met you.
And lyrics - I hear these all the time - I hope you're happy, in love, with a family. I wish for all of that for you by now and so this song, in my head rings so true:
Adele - Someone Like You
I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
I miss you - wholeheartedly I do. Please just say hello. Let me know you're out there.
And lyrics - I hear these all the time - I hope you're happy, in love, with a family. I wish for all of that for you by now and so this song, in my head rings so true:
Adele - Someone Like You
I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
I miss you - wholeheartedly I do. Please just say hello. Let me know you're out there.
01 July 2011
July 1st...
Each month I'm going to send another email to you.. I am determined we'll talk again...
July 2011...
people always leave...
it was a line just used on a show I'm watching and a perfect fit for you and I...
I tried calling you a million times on my drive back east...
still try and call you...
your phone always goes straight to voicemail and I'm sure you delete my messages....
but on that day...
on my drive back east...
I decided that I'd email you a the beginning of each month....
try to wear you down, show you i'm for real...
I don't know if it'll work but I have to try.
I have to try for all the times that you told me we'd always be able to connect
For all the times I remember the Italy debacle and how somehow we made it through
For how after all these years I've realized that it was you who taught me how to love...
I miss you. I admit that, fully, completely.
Bryan Adams was right... though I never thought you'd be completely gone.
I did take you for granted and there are a million things I wish I could now go back and change...
-not written that letter
-hung around that night in thunder bay when you were out and your sister forgot to give me the message
-not been a complete jackass in boston and shared your bed
-not pushed you out of mine so many times
-or rejected your late night phonecalls
-and hugs
I miss it all... and more. All that could have been and what never was. You. My friend.
I often dream that we get many chances to live the same life... reincarnation in a weird form.
I hope that I get to do this all over again... differently. You and me.
I want to go back, not take you for granted.
See the details in the photos
Read the meanings in the mixed tape songs
Know that you only had eyes for me from so far away
More than anything I wish to go back and do it all again and since I can't...
I will keep trying to connect
through phone
and text...
emails every month.
I'm determined. You know that...
I want your arms around me once again
Your gaze staring solely at me
A hug... your surprise at the connection
the butterflies...
pressed up against the railing of the bridge..
Though i know in my heart we can never go back...
Though I wish for you to be happily in love by now...
And your marriage and kids and future... all outstanding...
I will still reach out to be your friend...
will wonder what I actually said in that ill fated message,
in those days that I both loved and hated you all at once.
A part of me still loves you...
always will...
you taught me how to open my heart - to see what was out there...
to realize that it's okay to love without any expectation of things in return...
you... only you.
I protected myself from you - was still damaged...
been so damaged by people leaving me...
but you always came back - I cherished that...
but not this time... I was right once again...
you left
but I didn't want you to... not you...
and so I will always reach out...
hope we can reconnect one day
I want to say I'm sorry and make amends for so many things
and to celebrate our futures... and to finally see
Not everyone leaves... at least not you.
July 2011...
people always leave...
it was a line just used on a show I'm watching and a perfect fit for you and I...
I tried calling you a million times on my drive back east...
still try and call you...
your phone always goes straight to voicemail and I'm sure you delete my messages....
but on that day...
on my drive back east...
I decided that I'd email you a the beginning of each month....
try to wear you down, show you i'm for real...
I don't know if it'll work but I have to try.
I have to try for all the times that you told me we'd always be able to connect
For all the times I remember the Italy debacle and how somehow we made it through
For how after all these years I've realized that it was you who taught me how to love...
I miss you. I admit that, fully, completely.
Bryan Adams was right... though I never thought you'd be completely gone.
I did take you for granted and there are a million things I wish I could now go back and change...
-not written that letter
-hung around that night in thunder bay when you were out and your sister forgot to give me the message
-not been a complete jackass in boston and shared your bed
-not pushed you out of mine so many times
-or rejected your late night phonecalls
-and hugs
I miss it all... and more. All that could have been and what never was. You. My friend.
I often dream that we get many chances to live the same life... reincarnation in a weird form.
I hope that I get to do this all over again... differently. You and me.
I want to go back, not take you for granted.
See the details in the photos
Read the meanings in the mixed tape songs
Know that you only had eyes for me from so far away
More than anything I wish to go back and do it all again and since I can't...
I will keep trying to connect
through phone
and text...
emails every month.
I'm determined. You know that...
I want your arms around me once again
Your gaze staring solely at me
A hug... your surprise at the connection
the butterflies...
pressed up against the railing of the bridge..
Though i know in my heart we can never go back...
Though I wish for you to be happily in love by now...
And your marriage and kids and future... all outstanding...
I will still reach out to be your friend...
will wonder what I actually said in that ill fated message,
in those days that I both loved and hated you all at once.
A part of me still loves you...
always will...
you taught me how to open my heart - to see what was out there...
to realize that it's okay to love without any expectation of things in return...
you... only you.
I protected myself from you - was still damaged...
been so damaged by people leaving me...
but you always came back - I cherished that...
but not this time... I was right once again...
you left
but I didn't want you to... not you...
and so I will always reach out...
hope we can reconnect one day
I want to say I'm sorry and make amends for so many things
and to celebrate our futures... and to finally see
Not everyone leaves... at least not you.
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