I sit on my porch drinking coffee - the dregs so vile and yet still so tempting for that last swill of liquid - I am searching for the sun in the overcast sky - wondering where the heat is, the warmth. I know it's coming - has shown me glimpses and I'm stuck - I want it but it's overpowering - so warm, sticky. But this cool breeze, the one I'm going to cherish in a few weeks time, it's chilling right now, as I sit here and write. Conflicted. I listen to the sound of helicopters in the sky, wondering while Bowie sings through the speakers behind me... Changes... my life this past year - full of changes.
I can barely remember the girl I was on my birthday last year - I can picture the evening fully - board games, great friends, family, cake... I was still struggling then, about to initiate the changes - the ones that would get me to where I am now - to step fully into myself, so aware. I would soon let go of something that seemingly looked so good on the surface, from a distance, by others. A connection that just wasn't right - was never right except to those that looked on. And while so many don't understand the ending, the reasons, I still can't explain, even after all this time - there are no words. It just didn't feel right. It wasn't right - for me. And that was enough.
A few weeks later I was presented with an offer - an offer to move to Australia and it terrified me - it froze me for several months - never leaving my mind but seeming such a far fetched idea - half a world away. But as the changes piled up so did the choices, the alternatives - I delayed it as much as I could but I eventually made the jump... and it feels great. I'm here. It fits.
I often reflect - wonder how I got to where I am now - after all this time. It definitely surprises me - if you'd asked me just one year ago where I'd be now I could have answered but I'd have been so wrong - my vision of the future then looked so different than it does now, present. And I'm happy for that - I have lived fully this past year, grown, took chances, made choices - I have found happiness. Happiness with others but more importantly within myself, a long time coming. And so while I have dreams I don't struggle with the future so much - it's fluid, constantly changing by the decisions we make today - we can't foresee what it will bring and honestly - I don't want to... it's too much fun living right now.
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