Personal revelations... I suck at them. Communication - my biggest downfall at least when it comes to anything that truly matters to me, with anyone that truly matters. There are so many past examples in my life of people closest to me - those that should never leave - leaving. I started to believe I wasn't good enough. I'm not going to dwell on those details - but needless to say, it shaped me into who I am - this fearful little girl who hides behind this outspoken exterior taking about anything and everything except what truly matters to me on the inside. It's why I choose to write - my words are easier this way. I can express that which I can't verbalize. But sometimes, sometimes I can't even share those words, they get written in little black books waiting for the right time to come out but when is that right time? Is there a right time?
The right time is clearly not upon seeing each other again for the first time in 6 weeks - when I'm still completely confused about what's going on - a kiss that threw it all up in the air. Happiness I'm afraid to give in to out of fear that it's taken away - reserved. I don't know what to make of it. I believe in the goodness of it all, believe in all that you've shown me - know that it can - will - work out but upon your return I was shy and hesitant and I definitely held back. I know this... realized it clearly while sitting right beside you - I just couldn't do it. Couldn't tell you about the words I'd written through the distance, couldn't tell you my fears but oh did I want to. I still want to and so I wait for your call... our next encounter - I'm ready to be brave with you.
I want to tell you how I'm horrible, completely horrible at sharing, opening up, trusting. Trusting another with my innermost thoughts - because what happens if it's too much, if I'm not enough? That hurt - I've felt it before and it's unbearable - holding it together while others fall apart, hiding the breaking that's happening to yourself. I built my walls long ago - they're solid. If I don't let anyone in - if I push them away before they get too close - I can't be hurt. That's how it works right? But it's not enough for me anymore... I know this. If I can never open up, if I wait too long I might miss out on something beautiful and I know that if I don't risk anything, don't share part of myself than it will all just remain the same - one of us needs to make a leap - you showed me glimpses - opened up to me that last night - briefly - and it's time for me to return that offering. I need to tell you this.
I know my motivations, how I react. How I've pushed people, ran away. I think we're similar. I haven't with you though, I don't want to push and I don't want to run - I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here - unbroken - because we've been taking it slow... but I want to share more. I'm ready to open up - nothing earth shattering at all - just this revelation, for now - about how I suck at communicating - just a small little piece but I think it matters, a step. It will also help me realize it's not so bad - and I'm willing - if you'll have patience with me as I stutter and struggle and try to half ass it - if you push me to just say it, sit quietly while I stumble - if you're beside me then I'm ready to do this. I have to let my fears stop holding me back... I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to take chances and speak my words - out loud - to you.
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