December 2012

December 17, 2012

Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence.  Your silence.

My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again.  It’s a feeling, nestled deep.  Ebb and flow.  Captured clearly in your sad eyes.  My pattern when this happens is to grasp.  Grab.  To hold on tight out of fear.  But that’s never worked for me before.  Doesn’t work for you now.  So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away.  I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me.  To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly.  The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about.  The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me.  Without expectation or need but purely out of want.  A mutually open connection.

Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance.  Your silence.


December 16, 2012

Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days.  Recollections.  Reflections.

It could be the time of year.
     Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
     Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
     October turned into December
It could be the similarities

     The seasons

     The scenery

     Both of you offering not quite enough

     Guarded, stubborn, temporary 
It could be the differences

     Kisses burning my lips

     Consistent and generous words

     Passionate embraces disappearing in an instant

     Sparkling eyes and hugs that last for days

     Taking lives

     A love of life 

As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed.  A year gone by.  A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy.  You.

And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.

Sitting beside me.  Holding my hand and smiling.  Happy.  Together. 

august 30, 2012 - it sounded different today...

Ever hear a song and it just fits the moment perfectly?  It could be a song you've heard a million times before in a many different places but for some reason in one specific moment it goes beyond words and sounds and blends in with the world around you, the vastness, the emptiness, the lyrics taking on a deeper meaning at that point in time?  That happened to me today... my thoughts were wrapped up in you.  Wondering, worrying, wanting to throw my arms around you and not let go.  One big hug saying more than any words ever could.  The song was Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol but it wasn't the album version, it's the live version recorded at Union Chapel and it's haunting and full of yearning and in that moment this afternoon as I walked out into the sunshine and let the weight of today sink over me it came on… it stopped me where I stood and suddenly took on new meaning and wrapped itself in you.  I know you're okay, you told me you would be - it would be and I believe you with everything in me.  I know I'll see your face soon enough, that cheeky grin that lights up your eyes.  I will feel your strong arms wrap around me and we'll lie beside each other and talk about ridiculous things and we'll laugh and enjoy that moment, a little bit of normal - it's all I can offer you, all that you've ever wanted and maybe that's just enough.

7/3... a rush of emotions

I thought of you today when I heard the news...

Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...

I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part.  The unknown, the unknowing.  But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey.  I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.

I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now.  But know that you're in my thoughts, every day.  I smile when I remember something silly.  I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days.  I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with.  Your last words though, they echo through my mind.  It will be okay.  I trust that.  It will be okay.

Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me but at least respect me enough to say so.  I get that you're a professed 'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave you alone say so, it's not really that complicated.  It's all on you...

May 21, 2012

You're still here and already I miss you.  Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be.  I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to.  You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world.  I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this.  If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that.  But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears.  I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss.  A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this.  I can't ask anymore.  We both know now that it's completely up to you.  Everything is up to you.

One

May 20, 2012

I promise to never cry when you leave.  Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'.  I will never cry - at least not in your presence.

Over the past week the tears have come.  Unexpectedly.  Unrelentingly.  They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least.  And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach.  A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.

The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe.  No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already.  For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me.  They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you  more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much.  I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people.  Together.  But this time it's harder...

All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief.  But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months.  Months.  A year.  I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable.  It's daunting.  And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect.  I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters.  These letters to you.

Weekly Reflection

It's been a pretty stellar week though I'm lacking time to fully update it so here are the main points in no particular order:

-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome...  Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable.  https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.

-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out

It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends.  Nothing could be better.  Here's to another great week!

April 13, 2012

The past 3.5 hours have been spent on a patio, shapeless conversation, smiles and laughter and red wine. I'm left now thinking of you - of the numbered days.  Of a want, a need to call you, to see you.  Just be in the same space.  But I can't, I know that.  I know that it only pushes you away, that things need to be on your time, your control.  And so I'll wait.  Silent.  And I'll hope that you will reach out, want to spend time with me too before you leave again.  Before the space of months loom before us.  You've promised me once.  Dinner.  But I still hope for more than that.  I'll never tell you though.

*******

I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary.  I don't mind it though.  And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city.  I get it.  Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me.  But I can't give you up, don't want to.  And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance.  Now if only you could see that.

March 26, 2012

I've written to you a million times over the last 6 months and yet I sit here and struggle to start this.  It's not because I don't have things to say but rather because I don't know where the line is between supportive and selfish is right now - in this situation.  The one where we both care and yet still struggle.  I understand.  Perhaps that's the only approach I can take?

Unlike what you believe, I don't always get my way but this time it's different.  Sure I'd love (want!) a relationship with you in whatever form that looks like, know I could handle the distance as long as you were here with me when you're back but I know that you can't (won't?) give that to me and I understand.  I truly do.  I understand the part where you don't want to have to think of anyone back home while you're over there, no distractions, no worries back here.  I get how there are times you'd leave unknowingly and suddenly and that you think that is selfish to whomever might care for you.  It's partly why I struggle with my need to ask you to call me when you get back - I care but I get why you won't (can't).  I'll be thinking of you anyway.

I wonder sometimes who you are trying to protect, you or me?  You've often repeated how it's selfish of you to get involved because of your career but I also think you have a fear of getting left behind as well.  I remember the first time you went away that I thought that maybe you worried that I'd change my mind on you before you returned - that somehow I might regret that kiss.  But then you left again and I realised that it was in fact the opposite.  I had a fear that you'd come back and have changed your mind on me.  Wouldn't want to kiss me anymore.  But you did, again and again and that mattered and makes me feel selfish.

My struggle lately, and yes, we've discussed it all - was the pushing (the hiding) - so clearly evident that you were pushing me away even as you cared about me in return.  I get it though - it's different this time.  The stakes are higher, the distance so vast, the timing much longer.  I don't mind the space though, I understand your independence and how much your work means to you.  Matters most.  But it's just knowing you care about me - which I know now - that matters too.

Part of the struggle for me to write these words is that I've said most everything I wanted to say to you the other night and I'm so glad that I did - that we talked.  I am finding it easier to open up to you, to have these conversations that I've never been any good at - you give me patience and I become more rational with you (even when it means letting go of what I want most - you).  You let me talk even when it takes me forever to get my words out so thank you for letting me - to maintain the connection by sitting in your lap too.  You could have easily pushed me off but you didn't and I think that still says a lot.  Also, I enjoyed that closeness.  It's why I want to spend the night with you - we'd both let down our walls and just be and I think it'd be beautiful, magical but I get that it also opens up a whole new level of caring - for both of us - neither of us very good at doing things half way.  Perhaps one day though.

It's funny realy - in an 'it puts a smile on my face' way - how your actions, your body speaks so much louder than your words.  Your kisses speak volumes - and your hugs - the perfect fit that always last a little bit longer.  These - they drive my need to see you - always.  I'm going to miss that.  You.  But I know not to push (not anymore than I already have), I know I can't even begin to understand what you're facing in the next year but I do grasp your need to let go.  Where does that leave us? As friends I hope, I'll be here when you get back full of hugs (and kisses?) saved up just for you and I hope you'll call/ come collect them.

I'm going to still write to you too - perhaps send emails (though I'm not sure you'll get them even if you wanted to).  And maybe, perhaps you'll realize I'm not actually going anywhere and you'll start to trust me - let me in.  That you can count on me always.

I'll miss you!

~J.

March 24, 2012

You are missing out.  It's that simple.  I'm a good person, a happy person, a fun person.  I haven't always been, it's not just ego talking.  I've spent years learning, listening to my instincts, guidance from good friends.  Growing.  I like this place I'm at.  You're just a small part.  Sure, you make me happy in the rare moments we spend together but in the in betweens? I'm just as content.  Alone or surround by others, I'm me.

I'm the person that cares deeply but doesn't often show it.  When you see my smile you know it's real.  Genuine.  I'm strong and confident though I hide a soft, squishy center deep inside.  You've been lucky enough to have seen some of it, whether you get more though remains to be seen.  I want that connection with you but we've hit a roadblock, a river we need to get across but we can't do it alone, apart.

I'm still the girl you fell for, I'm quiet and shy, silly and serious.  I care too much about everything in my life to the point that it all hurts me at some point.  I used to run away from it all, hide out when they all got too close but now, now I'd rather feel the ups and downs than to coast through the mundane, the consistent.  I'm the girl who doesn't need every day but the one who wants the years, the soul mate with lives entwined.  Coming and going but always to each other.  Carnal, primal.  Real.  Honest.

I get you - we're so much of the same.  But I don't know where we go from here.  I'm alone in my happiness while you're running away from such a great thing.  Turn around - you'll see it's not so bad.

March 20, 2012 - missing you even while you're here...

Too many other things to focus on than you and yet I can't get you out of my head... it's this missing - the missing you while you're right down the road, missing you more while you're here than the weeks when you're miles away. 

Feb 27, 2012... freeform

The last time you left I thought about you often, I analyzed every little detail that you'd left in your wake, the kisses, the groping, the whispered warning of pulling away and of hurting yourself.  I didn't know what it meant, it all caught me by surprise and I questioned, constantly searched for the answers that weren't there to be found... and so, upon your return I was still lost, still pursuing the details rather than enjoying the moments, time spent with you, learning, laughing, being us.  I'm sorry for that shift, I'm sure it caught you by surprise.

This time though it's different. I think of you less - not because I don't miss you but rather because I'm not trying to figure it all out any more.  I am confident that whatever is meant to be will and that nothing I do or say will change your thoughts on me - whatever they are - I can only be me, the one you couldn't help but kiss in the first place. 

This time I focus on the memories, the ones that I am randomly reminded of as I live my life... eating grapes, driving up the hill by my house (you can't flex cardio), recalling Bruce and your telling me how he is hard of hearing, sitting on my steps and just talking, of monsters and dragons - the little things, silly things - they all make me smile.  And there are the deeper recollections as I drift off to sleep... the thought that we've shared parts of ourselves that we often keep hidden, of the stories expelled over coffee, dinner - stories of our families, our childhoods, our yearning for adventures and of seeing the world. tins cans buried in the yard.  How much we've offered to each other over a few shorts months - how I feel like I've known you for years.  But there is also the apprehension - the doubts that creep in when I see you looking for others, signed in to the site where we met.  The fear I feel when I recall your words, the warnings that make me question your actions - contradictions. I prepare myself for being let go. 

But in the face of it all I have hope... it's rooted deep within me and though I've hidden it for years it now shines through. I always see the good even as the warnings run deep - heart over head every single time.  To me it's worth it - those moments of just being real, of being alive, being human.  It's remaining open even in the face of rejection - of feeling the good and experiencing the bad - that makes life matter.  Living full on every day.  And so when you return perhaps things move forward, we continue to build on the memories, the adventures - so many things still to do... but perhaps, sadly, they drift - left behind on that beautiful November night when you first kissed me... a thought I can't even finish writing, for I'm still too hopeful.  Come back.

Feb 24... purging...

I think of you less this time, it's different, we're different.  We didn't separate on a passionate kiss - a moment that left my heart racing and my breath coming in gasps, electricity pouring through you into me, me into you.  A kiss that changed things.  Confused things.  No this time we left things carefully, tentatively.  Brief kisses, a connection without the heat - tender yet unsure of what we're doing, where we're going, what comes next.  An affectionate embrace, simple.  A slow dance as we made plans for the future that are less defined, less concrete.  But still I think of you.  Miss you.  Yearn for the taste of your lips, the fire in your finger tips as they grope and grasp.  I want that night back, without the confusion of the distance - round one.

I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back.  The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end.  The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots.  I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn.  How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back. 

I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine.  Electric.  I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions.  I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense.  I'm sorry - I'm still here.

I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears.  You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave?  You.  Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control.  And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?

I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know.  I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same.  More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer.  I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed.  The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy.  Better.  I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you.  I will never ask for more, I don't need more.  Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are.  Simple needs.

And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away.  But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul.  I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true.  Honest.  For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.

Dec 21... rambling reflections

Personal revelations... I suck at them.  Communication - my biggest downfall at least when it comes to anything that truly matters to me, with anyone that truly matters.  There are so many past examples in my life of people closest to me - those that should never leave  - leaving.  I started to believe I wasn't good enough.  I'm not going to dwell on those details - but needless to say, it shaped me into who I am - this fearful little girl who hides behind this outspoken exterior taking about anything and everything except what truly matters to me on the inside.  It's why I choose to write - my words are easier this way.  I can express that which I can't verbalize.  But sometimes, sometimes I can't even share those words, they get written in little black books waiting for the right time to come out but when is that right time?  Is there a right time?

The right time is clearly not upon seeing each other again for the first time in 6 weeks - when I'm still completely confused about what's going on - a kiss that threw it all up in the air.  Happiness I'm afraid to give in to out of fear that it's taken away - reserved.  I don't know what to make of it.  I believe in the goodness of it all, believe in all that you've shown me - know that it can - will - work out but upon your return I was shy and hesitant and I definitely held back.  I know this... realized it clearly while sitting right beside you - I just couldn't do it.  Couldn't tell you about the words I'd written through the distance, couldn't tell you my fears but oh did I want to. I still want to and so I wait for your call... our next encounter - I'm ready to be brave with you.

I want to tell you how I'm horrible, completely horrible at sharing, opening up, trusting.  Trusting another with my innermost thoughts - because what happens if it's too much, if I'm not enough?  That hurt - I've felt it before and it's unbearable - holding it together while others fall apart, hiding the breaking that's happening to yourself.  I built my walls long ago - they're solid.  If I don't let anyone in - if I push them away before they get too close - I can't be hurt.  That's how it works right?  But it's not enough for me anymore... I know this.  If I can never open up, if I wait too long I might miss out on something beautiful and I know that if I don't risk anything, don't share part of myself than it will all just remain the same - one of us needs to make a leap - you showed me glimpses - opened up to me that last night - briefly - and it's time for me to return that offering.  I need to tell you this.

I know my motivations, how I react.  How I've pushed people, ran away.  I think we're similar.  I haven't with you though, I don't want to push and I don't want to run - I'm not going anywhere.  I'm still here - unbroken - because we've been taking it slow...  but I want to share more.  I'm ready to open up - nothing earth shattering at all - just this revelation, for now - about how I suck at communicating - just a small little piece but I think it matters, a step.  It will also help me realize it's not so bad - and I'm willing - if you'll have patience with me as I stutter and struggle and try to half ass it - if you push me to just say it, sit quietly while I stumble - if you're beside me then I'm ready to do this.  I have to let my fears stop holding me back... I don't want to be that girl anymore.  I want to take chances and speak my words - out loud - to you.

Dec 19...

This is what happens when I can't sleep at 2am and resort to writing the jumble of thoughts in my head - facts mashed together with ridiculous rambling - eating cookies in bed.  It's a mess right now but I'm liking where it's going.   Also - I wish I knew if *you* read this...

It’s not about the grand gestures - it’s about the million different little things - silly jokes and paper hearts, bbq’s… a shared look - staring into the others eyes with a sense of calm recognition that there is nowhere else you’d rather be.  Together.  It’s equally about him remembering to ask about your parents as it is about forgetting where you keep the salt and pepper.  About reading the exhaustion that lines his face from the days spent apart and knowing that though hard on you both, the world looks different now to him - the city hasn’t changed - but he has, if only just a little.  It’s about letting go even when you want to hold on tight trusting with confidence that he’ll come back again when he can simply because he wants to - to share stories and kisses - with you.  It’s about finding the courage to ask for what you want - to wake up to his smile on Christmas morning - even though you fear the answer.  That hearing no doesn’t mean the world stops but rather that the two of you will still be okay, stronger.  It’s to believing that time and patience are the keys to any relationship even when he has more patience than you and you have more time than him but together you balance each other out, make the pieces fit.  It’s not about the separation or the unanswered texts but rather about living in the details everyday - of his scent left on your pillow, your book he’s eager to read, the dinners shared, a surprise plant.  It’s as much about the times spent apart as it is together - about this journey through life - each day a little more - hand in hand, an ocean apart - understanding that another person is on your side - ready to catch you when you fall, support you when you’re sad, hug you when you’re home and learning to love you without asking the questions, without saying the words - that the answers, if important, will all be revealed in time.  It’s about picking up right where things left off and accepting that decisions are not always your own - differences of opinion make you both better, compromise allows us to grow and sometimes things are beyond our control but trust - trust is essential, it's enough.   It’s about the smiles and silliness and cherishing the minutes, each and every one because though time is infinite our lives are not and while we are here it’s best we spend them living with all the passion we can sustain.  There’s no use waiting on the inflated bullshit but rather a need to cherish our health and strength, independence and laughter and the happiness we gain as partners - ravishing each other when we can, yearning when we must but also learning to love, truly love even in the face of heartbreak.  Full on.  Love is the boldest gesture of all.

Dec 18... words unsaid

The air is hazy right now with all the things left hanging, unspoken...

"I missed you"
"I'm glad you're back"
"I like you too"

Words floating in space - they're there between us... in nuanced sentences, in hesitant hugs.  They envelop the silence.

"I've been looking forward to this"
"Another hug please"
"You look good"

The words that get said instead - filtered.. each holding back just a tiny bit, uncertain.  Afraid of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.  Unknowing.  Shy.

And now I'm stuck here wishing I'd spoken aloud all the things I've been waiting to tell you, the things that I wrote to you while you were away - they drift all around me as I try to sleep.  Words that I *want* to share but don't know how to voice, the ones that call out in the darkness wishing you were here to hear them... words that instead hang between us as we figure out how to pick up where we left off... before repeating this all over again.

(I have no doubt we'll figure it out... that I'll voice my words... that we will learn to say things without holding back... in time, with patience...)

Day 111...

I'm sitting by fairy light listening to Christmas tunes (my favorite) as the warmth envelops me (no need for fireplaces in summer)...  All that is missing is you - and perhaps some Santa approved milk and (fresh baked) cookies.  Hurry up and come back, I'm slowly starting to get impatient.

Day 107...

When I crawl into bed at night I can feel what it'd be like to have you beside me - sharing space so close - barely touching because of the heat though maintaining the connection somehow - fingers, toes.  Lulled to sleep by your calm breathing beside me.  I can picture myself waking in your strong arms - the ones I curled into when I got a little too cold during the night, the ones you wrapped tightly around me, instinctively, in slumber.  Slow soft kisses to bring us into the daylight - playful laughter, deep stretching hugs.  Coffee in bed, the patio.  I know how refreshed I'd feel after a night with you - no worries, no strange sounds - no monsters, you'd protect me.  We fit together - that I already know, I just have to be patient enough to wait on the rest.  I know it's coming, just like that hug.  I get you, get us and it's working.  Slowly.  Differently.

Day 105...

I look for you everywhere, hoping to spot you back in town but I know you're not, not yet - you still feel distant, no close by in the city...  But still, that doesn't stop me from looking at the stride of runner's, the form of guys doing pull-ups by the beach, searching for the faces of those that have similar haircuts from behind.  I want hours to stare and memorize your face for the next time you go away...

Day 87... missing you

I miss you.  I miss you and I think that’s okay because if I didn’t miss you it means it wouldn’t be worth it and it is.  You are.  This matters.  You matter.

This isn’t a deep seeded longing – there is no ache, no agony involved in the wait, just a wish you were here sentiment – impatience.  I can handle it though, tolerate it, knowing you’re coming back to me.  Soon enough.

Just come back to me.