Day 31... priorities

Priorities.

We all control our own.

They are different for every one of us.

Family, friends, sports, career, travel, so many things.

We choose which ones get priority - fill up our hours.

We all get the same 168 hours per week and it's up to us how to fill them.

What are your priorities?

Day 30...

Saying yes.  It can lead to wonderful things and even when it doesn't we've had an experience that has shaped us.  Taught us.  Allowed us to grow.  Learn.

Last night I said yes to a movie with friends - no idea where or when or what but unequivocally yes.  I showed up at the time and place to discover that we were seeing Red Dog.  A movie about a dog - that was the only thing we knew going in.  And on coming out two hours later - if asked to describe the movie to anyone else - a movie about a dog.  I don't know how else to capture the beauty of the film.  The emotion - about a dog - the love, the pain.  We laughed, and cried - all of us touched deeply.  It was perfect - and it happened because I decided to just say yes.

Day 29...

Sometimes letting go is the best thing to do... choosing to let go... forget the blue feelings, revel in the warmth of the sunshine and move forward.  Laugh, play, run around in the grass barefoot.  Handstands.  Silliness.  Perfection.  Today was a day for all of that - for realizing that all it took to get out of my head was the choice to do just that.  My choice.  My move.  The weight was lifted.

Day 28... just what was needed

This morning's workout was just what I needed.  It was good for me - well, the working out part at least - not the getting out of bed part.  I love my bed - too much probably - but it's my safe place, my haven, my sanctuary.  It's where my thoughts percolate, come to life, become clarified.  But my thoughts have been out of sorts this week - need peace, quiet.  Time to settle.  This morning they were quieted.  For an hour, just one hour.

It was an hour in time where the rest of the world was silenced - my breath was strong in my ears, sweat dripping off my forehead.  The constant drumming of words, thoughts, diminished.  Focused instead on pushing, challenging, fighting every single - jump - squat - pushup. Every.single.one. Only that moment, that movement.

And as the sun came up, my mood too lifted.  Every pull of the erg, every step of the run, each movement banishing some of my doubt, my darkness.  Each skip, each situp - pushing through - beyond, into a new place.  Focus, laser vision, intense.  Necessary.

Day 27... unfamiliar feelings...

I’ve been in a weird mood this week and it wasn’t until tonight on my drive home that I figured it out.  It came from my level of uncertainty.  Typically I am a confident person but when things get beyond my control as they sometimes do I struggle with how to process them – logic and emotion conflicting.  I am at my core an emotional person, instinctual, intuitive.  And even when things logically make sense to me sometimes they still impact my mood.  This was the case this week.  I know that in time it will all sort itself out – but I’m a girl who just likes the answers, the knowing – waiting – never my strong suit. But I’m aware.  That helps.

I spent every night out this past week except for tonight – I’ve had so much going on and I love it  - it makes me feel connected to my new home.  In such contrast to the old one.  Yet tonight, when I knew I needed a quiet night – some me time – I started to struggle.  Struggle with the calmness of it all.  The solo time.  Me.  Only me. And the reflecting started to make some sense... logic and emotion, head and heart, reason and rhythm... two separate entities within me.  Conflict.  Contrast.  Control.

It’s been a challenge because so many things have been twisted and turned this week – little things – simple things – but they all add up inside me.  All of these things, logically straight forward, reasonable, understood but yet have had such an impact on my mood.  Struggle.  

(Probable) date 2 on hold because of him working, (potential) rugby watching cancelled because of boys weekend, (confirmed) paddle with a friend postponed because of work.  I get all this, understand – I’m fundamentally okay with all of it but yet…  it hangs over me, I can’t control it  - it’s not gloom or sadness or disappointment – it’s not any of that.  It’s more malaise, melancholy – a withdrawing of sorts.  Pulling back into myself.   A place once so comfortable to me and yet, lately – unfamiliar.  Most definitely - unfamiliar.  And I don’t know what to do with that.

Day 26... time, patience and time...

Today - for the first time - the words are stuck.  Oh, they are there, floating around in my brain but they're not ready to come out - not ready to be shared with the world.  Not yet.  Today I get to cherish the ideas, the emotions, the beauty* - all on my own.  A little bit of selfish just for now - until I'm ready to trust them completely.

*I had - in my opinion - a great date last night - we'll see how it goes... for now, just time.

Day 25... change your perspective

Sometimes it’s just about changing perspective…

Replacing I can’t with I will try, I hate with not my favourite.  Focusing on the good rather than the bad.  So many things can be said in opposite ways – one from a positive viewpoint, one from a negative. What will you choose?

I am choosing positive – trying to reinforce my negative remarks with the positive ones.  I used hate last night, changed it to not my favourite.  It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you do this.  So simple yet so powerful.

Day 24...

There is silence today.  The words are at peace.  My brain is at peace.  I am at peace. 

I had a spectacularly amazing weekend, lots of sunshine warming my bones, seeping into my soul.  Good friends, good food, good times.  I packed it all it and now I need time to reflect.  Time alone within my head, peaceful.  Happy.

Day 23... remembering...

I remember the day.  Exactly where I was on the moment I found out.  The sun was streaming brightly into the window of my cubicle as it does now.  Different places, same feeling.  I remember watching the trickle of cars on the freeway below like rush hour on every other day of the year but somehow this felt different.  The sun in such conflict with my thoughts.  With the unknown, the fear.  I recall not being able to get information - the internet bogged down, local websites unable to cope.  I was gathering what I could from the BBC - it became the voice of all of this.  My first phone call was to my client - they were in the US, surely they would have heard by now - 8:30am (their local time - Chicago - sticks in my brain to this day) - the towers had just just been hit - but no.  I was the bearer of this unbelievable news - they were on the golf course, oblivious.  Perhaps it was better that way. 

There was no way to process this information in real time.  It just didn't seem real.  Still in some ways doesn't seem real.  The rest of that day is a blur - a constant streaming of the news, media from all over trying to make sense of this act, sense where there was none to be had.  Such meaningless tragedy - such massive casualty. 

I recall more clearly the days after this... the sky devoid of any planes, eerily quite.  We paddled that Wednesday - the sky above Toronto hushed - except for one rescue helicopter which drew all our attention - a momentary wondering of 'what now' which soon passed us by.  But still, wondering if there would be more.  Toronto, not so far from New York. 

I remember only a few weeks later - a trip to Chicago to see that client - airports only recently reopened.  The fear still looming large.  The changes, the searches, the searching.  I still feel my hesitation at flying that day - but knowing that I couldn't let that fear stop me - that we had to go on living otherwise they will have won, we would be defeated.  And we were too strong for that.

Ten years have passed since that fateful day.  Ten years.  And even though I was not directly touched by this tragedy I still recall every feeling - voicing those feelings now has brought it all back in this moment.  Sitting here, the sun shining in the window once again as I recall the dust and darkness that enveloped New York.  The courage and perseverance is what has won out though - I like to think that though scarred by tragedy - we have walked through the other side a little stronger, a little less afraid, a little less likely to take any day for granted for anything can happen.  Clearly, the unimaginable can happen.  The unimaginable did happen on September 11, 2001. 

Day 22... October 1st...

This is for October 1st... a start.

I wonder if you'd recognize me now.  If I am anything like the girl you fell in love with years ago.  I wonder if the only difference is that I am now ready to love back?