I’ve been in a weird mood this week and it wasn’t until tonight on my drive home that I figured it out. It came from my level of uncertainty. Typically I am a confident person but when things get beyond my control as they sometimes do I struggle with how to process them – logic and emotion conflicting. I am at my core an emotional person, instinctual, intuitive. And even when things logically make sense to me sometimes they still impact my mood. This was the case this week. I know that in time it will all sort itself out – but I’m a girl who just likes the answers, the knowing – waiting – never my strong suit. But I’m aware. That helps.
I spent every night out this past week except for tonight – I’ve had so much going on and I love it - it makes me feel connected to my new home. In such contrast to the old one. Yet tonight, when I knew I needed a quiet night – some me time – I started to struggle. Struggle with the calmness of it all. The solo time. Me. Only me. And the reflecting started to make some sense... logic and emotion, head and heart, reason and rhythm... two separate entities within me. Conflict. Contrast. Control.
It’s been a challenge because so many things have been twisted and turned this week – little things – simple things – but they all add up inside me. All of these things, logically straight forward, reasonable, understood but yet have had such an impact on my mood. Struggle.
(Probable) date 2 on hold because of him working, (potential) rugby watching cancelled because of boys weekend, (confirmed) paddle with a friend postponed because of work. I get all this, understand – I’m fundamentally okay with all of it but yet… it hangs over me, I can’t control it - it’s not gloom or sadness or disappointment – it’s not any of that. It’s more malaise, melancholy – a withdrawing of sorts. Pulling back into myself. A place once so comfortable to me and yet, lately – unfamiliar. Most definitely - unfamiliar. And I don’t know what to do with that.
(Probable) date 2 on hold because of him working, (potential) rugby watching cancelled because of boys weekend, (confirmed) paddle with a friend postponed because of work. I get all this, understand – I’m fundamentally okay with all of it but yet… it hangs over me, I can’t control it - it’s not gloom or sadness or disappointment – it’s not any of that. It’s more malaise, melancholy – a withdrawing of sorts. Pulling back into myself. A place once so comfortable to me and yet, lately – unfamiliar. Most definitely - unfamiliar. And I don’t know what to do with that.
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