September 1, 2011. Another month gone by... time slowly ticking by on the story of you and I. It's been almost 16 years to the day since I met you - I was an overconfident, the world is mine, eager to please teenager entering the big scary world for the first time all on my own. I was also naive and scared, hiding behind the hugest of walls that you were determined to see over, around, behind - and you did. It's only taken time and perspective, growing to figure out who I am, that girl you saw so many years ago and yet even still, I only grasp the smallest fraction of this wide world we occupy.
I wondered a lot this month why I choose to still write to you - on the first of every month. I was wondering if it was in fact completely selfish of me to do so, to push my way back into your world. But then I think that perhaps you don't even see my words. They get lost into the cyber world I send them off to. Words then that ultimately are only mine. My changing perspectives, missing you, apologies. Mostly apologies.
My words each month are my penance - solace to you - perhaps just to me. But the universe doesn't distinguish. I have so many years to apologize for - and maybe if you'd just once acknowledge this then I'd be able to let go. I can't say move on because even after all this time I can't picture my world without you in it... it can't happen. It would break me. And so I hang on. Hope that it will all turn around. That perhaps we can go back. I'm not sure how this time though - I know I've had more chances than any girl could ever ask for even though I didn't realize it at the time they were being given - over and over and over....
I want one day - one more day for you and me... that's all. Anywhere. I want to make up for all the hugs I shied away from, from the laughter and silliness that was our foundation, our beginning. I want the boy who looked at me in that special way that only he could - the look that I failed to recognize in those days. The ones that pictures still remind me of. I want to apologize profusely even though I don't know the right words - there are no words. I want to make it up to you. I want to teleport to places, times where I can see I screwed up, time after time. I want a do over... to re-live those moments of my past, just the moments that contain you. You. Only you. But I can't. You won't let me. And so I keep writing... putting words out there into the ether hoping that perhaps, just once they will reach you and you'll reach back, even just to say hi.
I miss you!
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