I think of you less this time, it's different, we're different. We didn't separate on a passionate kiss - a moment that left my heart racing and my breath coming in gasps, electricity pouring through you into me, me into you. A kiss that changed things. Confused things. No this time we left things carefully, tentatively. Brief kisses, a connection without the heat - tender yet unsure of what we're doing, where we're going, what comes next. An affectionate embrace, simple. A slow dance as we made plans for the future that are less defined, less concrete. But still I think of you. Miss you. Yearn for the taste of your lips, the fire in your finger tips as they grope and grasp. I want that night back, without the confusion of the distance - round one.
I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back. The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end. The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots. I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn. How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back.
I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine. Electric. I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions. I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense. I'm sorry - I'm still here.
I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears. You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave? You. Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control. And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?
I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know. I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same. More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer. I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed. The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy. Better. I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you. I will never ask for more, I don't need more. Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are. Simple needs.
And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away. But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul. I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true. Honest. For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.
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