The last time you left I thought about you often, I analyzed every little detail that you'd left in your wake, the kisses, the groping, the whispered warning of pulling away and of hurting yourself. I didn't know what it meant, it all caught me by surprise and I questioned, constantly searched for the answers that weren't there to be found... and so, upon your return I was still lost, still pursuing the details rather than enjoying the moments, time spent with you, learning, laughing, being us. I'm sorry for that shift, I'm sure it caught you by surprise.
This time though it's different. I think of you less - not because I don't miss you but rather because I'm not trying to figure it all out any more. I am confident that whatever is meant to be will and that nothing I do or say will change your thoughts on me - whatever they are - I can only be me, the one you couldn't help but kiss in the first place.
This time I focus on the memories, the ones that I am randomly reminded of as I live my life... eating grapes, driving up the hill by my house (you can't flex cardio), recalling Bruce and your telling me how he is hard of hearing, sitting on my steps and just talking, of monsters and dragons - the little things, silly things - they all make me smile. And there are the deeper recollections as I drift off to sleep... the thought that we've shared parts of ourselves that we often keep hidden, of the stories expelled over coffee, dinner - stories of our families, our childhoods, our yearning for adventures and of seeing the world. tins cans buried in the yard. How much we've offered to each other over a few shorts months - how I feel like I've known you for years. But there is also the apprehension - the doubts that creep in when I see you looking for others, signed in to the site where we met. The fear I feel when I recall your words, the warnings that make me question your actions - contradictions. I prepare myself for being let go.
But in the face of it all I have hope... it's rooted deep within me and though I've hidden it for years it now shines through. I always see the good even as the warnings run deep - heart over head every single time. To me it's worth it - those moments of just being real, of being alive, being human. It's remaining open even in the face of rejection - of feeling the good and experiencing the bad - that makes life matter. Living full on every day. And so when you return perhaps things move forward, we continue to build on the memories, the adventures - so many things still to do... but perhaps, sadly, they drift - left behind on that beautiful November night when you first kissed me... a thought I can't even finish writing, for I'm still too hopeful. Come back.
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