One

May 20, 2012

I promise to never cry when you leave.  Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'.  I will never cry - at least not in your presence.

Over the past week the tears have come.  Unexpectedly.  Unrelentingly.  They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least.  And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach.  A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.

The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe.  No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already.  For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me.  They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you  more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much.  I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people.  Together.  But this time it's harder...

All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief.  But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months.  Months.  A year.  I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable.  It's daunting.  And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect.  I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters.  These letters to you.