Day 21... connections (part 2)...

I touched on this the other day, the feeling of connectedness we have in this world... truly the best thing we have.  And I feel connected here.  Threads of peoples lives are weaving with mine and I love every piece of it.

It's quite funny to think that it was only a few months ago that I packed up everything I owned into a 5' x 8' trailer, put it in storage and moved halfway around the world with only three bags (and 3 paddles).  I knew no one here.  I came on my own.  Moved to a city I'd never even visited - a country I'd never visited.  And while I knew I'd made the right choice I can't say it was easy.

There were a few cold, lonely, rainy nights where I struggled to find my place.  Hid away from the darkness in the comfort of my apartment, alone.  A little cocoon... but I had a focus then - finding a place to live, a car to drive and connections to this place.   A social circle where I belonged.

Less than three months... that's how long it's been for me to carve out my spot.  Find comfort and joy in all that's around me.  Happy.  Confident.  Secure.

I have friends here now - perhaps not as many as I did in Vancouver but there's something different about the people - or perhaps merely the ones I've found - they're real.  Open.  Honest.  Encouraging.  I'm not as close to them yet as I was to people back home but I've probably seen more of their true selves than I did of many before them.  They share their experiences, their struggles, their journey, their dreams.  Connection on a deeper level.

Maybe it's not the people that are different - maybe it's me.  Letting myself be more open, more welcoming that's brought this on.  Forced to adapt, adjust.  Sharing more of myself, getting more in return.  I can't say for sure.  I just know that it matters. I cherish these interactions and my new found peace.  Living each moment and savoring the connections.  Every connection.  Real life.

Day 20... simplicity

Rules for life:

Live each day, each moment. 
Be present.  Open. 
Say yes. 
Make your own choices. 
Be happy.  Laugh, smile and enjoy life!

Day 19... simple rewards, connections

This writing journey while only a few weeks old has thus far been extremely rewarding.  While some days the thoughts are a little slower to come it’s never been a struggle to download my brain, my feelings, my emotions.  That part comes easily to me – it’s the focus that is sometimes off.  But the words always come, never let me down.  There is always some spark that starts me off.  Today it was a sweet message from a friend – sharing a video with me – one that he thought I might like.  And further to that – a relation to my words.  Ones I’d written a few days earlier – ones that he could relate to.  And isn’t that just what it’s all about?  Why we put ourselves out there – tell our stories – to relate in some way to this wide world that we live in. Find our individual spot while seeking out others who are where we are – or will be, or have been.  It’s the little links that tie us all together, make each day something different, something special. 

And while I don’t write in this space for anyone other than myself, than to develop my voice, I do choose to share here.  Let the world see it.  Anyone who cares to read.  And it’s nice to hear that people in fact do read.  And better still, relate.  It’s comforting to realise that we are all interconnected.  That while our individual days and moments may in fact be different we all face the same challenges, struggles, joys, confusions.  Our feelings and emotions unite us all.

never forget...

I was reminded today of this old post because another friend is unfortunately facing a similar situation... I have no idea what he's going through because our connections are all so different but it never goes away - the memories, the feelings - that person remains a part of us always.  I miss you Donny but your smile still lights up my world.

February 26th, 2008

Day 18... the choices we make

Sometimes it's hard to make decisions when there is so much demand on our time or several things we want to do that conflict.  I hate the excuse 'I'm too busy'... you can be as busy as you CHOOSE to be - we all get the same 24 hours in a day and it's our choice on what we do with them.  Yes, I understand that family and work are priorities but it's all about planning. And deciding.  What makes you happiest.   If you really want to do something you *will* make it happen.  If you really want to spend time with a person you *will* make it happen.  It's a basic fact of life.

I'm struggling with my past and present right now.  I LOVE outrigger - at least I did while in Vancouver - it was a huge part in defining who I am (was?) - and I saved millions of dollars in therapy bills just by sitting on my canoe in english bay.  I spent endless days playing in the waves, bits of salt stuck to my face at the end of it all, hours following the paddlewheeler - all those inside so oblivious to my sitting on that one wave... riding back home.  I sweated alongside some amazing people in races in those waters, had a ton of fun and success - formed relationships so strong in those moments.  It was my summer, my life... for so long my life.

I'm half way around the world now and I still have an ocean.  An ocean that I love but haven't quite yet fallen *in* love with.  It feels like home here and yet I'm torn.  I do crave the water, just not like I did.  And when I do it's not for the same reasons.  My new challenge is my surfski - solo time.  Just me.  No common goals to work towards.  I fall in and laugh and enjoy each moment without the focused precision that I once had but I think that this is okay.  I *know* that this is okay but I'm still reconciling it in my mind.

My priorities now have shifted.  I have fallen in love with a new sport - a new challenge - Crossfit.  The people, the community, the struggle.  I love it.  And yes, it feels a little like I'm cheating on paddling, but maybe that's not it.  I broke up with English Bay as I left Vancouver, no looking back.  And I think that for now I need to choose differently.  Follow the happiness, the fun.  And in this moment Crossfit is the fun.

So when I have conflicts between outrigger and Crossfit (every Saturday morning in fact) I will choose what I enjoy, what I want to do, *my* priority... I will choose with my heart instead of obligation and I will savour every minute... fully committed to my choice. MY choice.

Day 17

I walk around this town, the one we both live in, the one that still separates us.  Each footstep another reminder of you- your memory is infused in everything here.  I know they will slowly fade, every day a little further into the past.  I know too that you're everywhere here, in all the little things because you helped to form my first impressions of this place - showed me so much of it in two days, little moments, secret places.  But I'm making them my places now.  New experiences, all mine.  Only mine.

Like the memories fading with the setting suns, so are you.  You'll be gone soon and that will be okay.  I will be okay.

Day 16...

I found my heaven - it's a tiny, crowded bookstore on High Street. It's so full of history and first editions.  Books from my childhood and many I still yearn to read.  The number of volumes is overwhelming.  The dust making me sneeze and yet I spent hours in there.  Absorbing the stories through the covers, touching the spines and forgetting every title I want to pick up.  But it was magical.  A little space that I'll go back to over and over and fall in love with even more each time.  Penny Bannister Books - heaven!

Day 15...

It's funny how a little notoriety can change things.  The knowledge that people are actually reading your words.  And yes, I know this sounds a little odd given that I post them here on the interwebs for everyone to see - but those everyone - I thought were limited to a select few who I started this journey with - who read at the start but slowly lost interest.  But now I have a new little blog - Everyday Stronger - where I track my workouts that people are reading.  94 pageviews in just one day, from all over the world... reading my words - relating to them.  Crazy!  And also intimidating.  Yes, quite intimidating. 

What were once only words for me - a way to track my progress, my strength... these words now belong to others too.  In someone's comment about relating to the emotion - tears welling up while reading.  To someone else tracking me down on a field on a sunny day mid workout to mention that they've read it too and that it's nice to have someone elses perspective.  How it's a 'liked' blog on my boxes website which I love and am grateful for while at the same time intimidated by.  Kirsten told me that it doesn't have to change the way I write, that my audience doesn't need any more that what I'm giving - that the emotional posts will come when they need to and that's enough...  and maybe that's true.  I've already learned on this blog that I can't force emotion, I can only write from the heart and so... that will be my goal there.  To share my strength and heart to those that care to follow me on this journey.  Everyday stronger in so many ways...

Day 14... say yes! always yes.

It’s funny how a different country, different continent can change your outlook.  Optimism reigns over pessimism.  People truly are genuine.  I’m struggling a little with this change – wondering why? What’s next.  When it’s all going to change.  Perhaps it is that I’ve let go of negative people, left them behind, back in Vancouver.  The toxic ones that you don’t really like but can’t get away from either – they infiltrate.  Negativity feeding off of negativity.  Rejection and remorse.  Lack of respect. 

It’s starting to change me too.  Though last night I recognized myself slipping into old patterns – last minute phone calls – I expected cancellation – how wrong I was.  The opposite in fact.  A cheerful voice, excitement, planning ahead.  Thinking of me.  Including me.  Such  a simple gesture – so easy.  It makes me wonder why we all don’t do it more.  Say yes, commit to plans.  See them through because the experience is worth it.  No matter how intimidating or unknown, trust this.  It is worth it.  Say Yes.  Always Yes.  Yes.

Day 13... September 1st...

September 1, 2011.  Another month gone by... time slowly ticking by on the story of you and I.  It's been almost 16 years to the day since I met you - I was an overconfident, the world is mine, eager to please teenager entering the big scary world for the first time all on my own.  I was also naive and scared, hiding behind the hugest of walls that you were determined to see over, around, behind - and you did.  It's only taken time and perspective, growing to figure out who I am, that girl you saw so many years ago and yet even still, I only grasp the smallest fraction of this wide world we occupy.

I wondered a lot this month why I choose to still write to you - on the first of every month.  I was wondering if it was in fact completely selfish of me to do so, to push my way back into your world.  But then I think that perhaps you don't even see my words.  They get lost into the cyber world I send them off to.  Words then that ultimately are only mine.  My changing perspectives, missing you, apologies.  Mostly apologies.

My words each month are my penance - solace to you - perhaps just to me.  But the universe doesn't distinguish.  I have so many years to apologize for - and maybe if you'd just once acknowledge this then I'd be able to let go.  I can't say move on because even after all this time I can't picture my world without you in it... it can't happen.  It would break me.  And so I hang on.  Hope that it will all turn around.  That perhaps we can go back.  I'm not sure how this time though - I know I've had more chances than any girl could ever ask for even though I didn't realize it at the time they were being given - over and over and over....

I want one day - one more day for you and me... that's all.  Anywhere.  I want to make up for all the hugs I shied away from, from the laughter and silliness that was our foundation, our beginning.  I want the boy who looked at me in that special way that only he could - the look that I failed to recognize in those days.  The ones that pictures still remind me of.  I want to apologize profusely even though I don't know the right words - there are no words.  I want to make it up to you.  I want to teleport to places, times where I can see I screwed up, time after time.  I want a do over... to re-live those moments of my past, just the moments that contain you.  You.  Only you.  But I can't.  You won't let me.  And so I keep writing... putting words out there into the ether hoping that perhaps, just once they will reach you and you'll reach back, even just to say hi.

I miss you!