I've written to you a million times over the last 6 months and yet I sit here and struggle to start this. It's not because I don't have things to say but rather because I don't know where the line is between supportive and selfish is right now - in this situation. The one where we both care and yet still struggle. I understand. Perhaps that's the only approach I can take?
Unlike what you believe, I don't always get my way but this time it's different. Sure I'd love (want!) a relationship with you in whatever form that looks like, know I could handle the distance as long as you were here with me when you're back but I know that you can't (won't?) give that to me and I understand. I truly do. I understand the part where you don't want to have to think of anyone back home while you're over there, no distractions, no worries back here. I get how there are times you'd leave unknowingly and suddenly and that you think that is selfish to whomever might care for you. It's partly why I struggle with my need to ask you to call me when you get back - I care but I get why you won't (can't). I'll be thinking of you anyway.
I wonder sometimes who you are trying to protect, you or me? You've often repeated how it's selfish of you to get involved because of your career but I also think you have a fear of getting left behind as well. I remember the first time you went away that I thought that maybe you worried that I'd change my mind on you before you returned - that somehow I might regret that kiss. But then you left again and I realised that it was in fact the opposite. I had a fear that you'd come back and have changed your mind on me. Wouldn't want to kiss me anymore. But you did, again and again and that mattered and makes me feel selfish.
My struggle lately, and yes, we've discussed it all - was the pushing (the hiding) - so clearly evident that you were pushing me away even as you cared about me in return. I get it though - it's different this time. The stakes are higher, the distance so vast, the timing much longer. I don't mind the space though, I understand your independence and how much your work means to you. Matters most. But it's just knowing you care about me - which I know now - that matters too.
Part of the struggle for me to write these words is that I've said most everything I wanted to say to you the other night and I'm so glad that I did - that we talked. I am finding it easier to open up to you, to have these conversations that I've never been any good at - you give me patience and I become more rational with you (even when it means letting go of what I want most - you). You let me talk even when it takes me forever to get my words out so thank you for letting me - to maintain the connection by sitting in your lap too. You could have easily pushed me off but you didn't and I think that still says a lot. Also, I enjoyed that closeness. It's why I want to spend the night with you - we'd both let down our walls and just be and I think it'd be beautiful, magical but I get that it also opens up a whole new level of caring - for both of us - neither of us very good at doing things half way. Perhaps one day though.
It's funny realy - in an 'it puts a smile on my face' way - how your actions, your body speaks so much louder than your words. Your kisses speak volumes - and your hugs - the perfect fit that always last a little bit longer. These - they drive my need to see you - always. I'm going to miss that. You. But I know not to push (not anymore than I already have), I know I can't even begin to understand what you're facing in the next year but I do grasp your need to let go. Where does that leave us? As friends I hope, I'll be here when you get back full of hugs (and kisses?) saved up just for you and I hope you'll call/ come collect them.
I'm going to still write to you too - perhaps send emails (though I'm not sure you'll get them even if you wanted to). And maybe, perhaps you'll realize I'm not actually going anywhere and you'll start to trust me - let me in. That you can count on me always.
I'll miss you!
~J.
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