The last time you left I thought about you often, I analyzed every little detail that you'd left in your wake, the kisses, the groping, the whispered warning of pulling away and of hurting yourself. I didn't know what it meant, it all caught me by surprise and I questioned, constantly searched for the answers that weren't there to be found... and so, upon your return I was still lost, still pursuing the details rather than enjoying the moments, time spent with you, learning, laughing, being us. I'm sorry for that shift, I'm sure it caught you by surprise.
This time though it's different. I think of you less - not because I don't miss you but rather because I'm not trying to figure it all out any more. I am confident that whatever is meant to be will and that nothing I do or say will change your thoughts on me - whatever they are - I can only be me, the one you couldn't help but kiss in the first place.
This time I focus on the memories, the ones that I am randomly reminded of as I live my life... eating grapes, driving up the hill by my house (you can't flex cardio), recalling Bruce and your telling me how he is hard of hearing, sitting on my steps and just talking, of monsters and dragons - the little things, silly things - they all make me smile. And there are the deeper recollections as I drift off to sleep... the thought that we've shared parts of ourselves that we often keep hidden, of the stories expelled over coffee, dinner - stories of our families, our childhoods, our yearning for adventures and of seeing the world. tins cans buried in the yard. How much we've offered to each other over a few shorts months - how I feel like I've known you for years. But there is also the apprehension - the doubts that creep in when I see you looking for others, signed in to the site where we met. The fear I feel when I recall your words, the warnings that make me question your actions - contradictions. I prepare myself for being let go.
But in the face of it all I have hope... it's rooted deep within me and though I've hidden it for years it now shines through. I always see the good even as the warnings run deep - heart over head every single time. To me it's worth it - those moments of just being real, of being alive, being human. It's remaining open even in the face of rejection - of feeling the good and experiencing the bad - that makes life matter. Living full on every day. And so when you return perhaps things move forward, we continue to build on the memories, the adventures - so many things still to do... but perhaps, sadly, they drift - left behind on that beautiful November night when you first kissed me... a thought I can't even finish writing, for I'm still too hopeful. Come back.
27 February 2012
24 February 2012
Feb 24... purging...
I think of you less this time, it's different, we're different. We didn't separate on a passionate kiss - a moment that left my heart racing and my breath coming in gasps, electricity pouring through you into me, me into you. A kiss that changed things. Confused things. No this time we left things carefully, tentatively. Brief kisses, a connection without the heat - tender yet unsure of what we're doing, where we're going, what comes next. An affectionate embrace, simple. A slow dance as we made plans for the future that are less defined, less concrete. But still I think of you. Miss you. Yearn for the taste of your lips, the fire in your finger tips as they grope and grasp. I want that night back, without the confusion of the distance - round one.
I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back. The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end. The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots. I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn. How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back.
I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine. Electric. I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions. I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense. I'm sorry - I'm still here.
I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears. You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave? You. Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control. And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?
I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know. I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same. More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer. I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed. The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy. Better. I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you. I will never ask for more, I don't need more. Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are. Simple needs.
And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away. But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul. I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true. Honest. For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.
I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back. The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end. The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots. I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn. How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back.
I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine. Electric. I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions. I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense. I'm sorry - I'm still here.
I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears. You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave? You. Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control. And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?
I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know. I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same. More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer. I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed. The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy. Better. I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you. I will never ask for more, I don't need more. Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are. Simple needs.
And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away. But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul. I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true. Honest. For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.
11 February 2012
Feb 11, 2012
I apologize in advance for how unfluid and unstructured the following words are going to be but I’m writing without alcohol and that’s just how it goes (and yes I really need a monstrously large glass of red right now!)
So here goes…
I don’t get where we as men and women became unable to say the word ‘no’ or even better yet became unable to hear the word ‘no’. Maybe it’s ingrained in us from birth where as children ‘no’ only meant you wanted something more, to break the rules because that ‘no’ prevented you from something you really wanted, something exciting and adventurous and perhaps even at times dangerous but now, as adults? No isn’t a bad word, it doesn’t mean you can’t move on or a relationship is crumbling it is merely a difference in wants at that moment in time.
Don’t get me wrong, some ‘no’s truly do matter but I’m talking about the everyday requests here - if a girl you’re dating or involved with asks you to go and see The Vow with her (and any girl worth dating probably shouldn’t) there are two ways to respond - say yes, suck it up and make her happy for two hours or to say no. And girls, if he says no, accept it. Plain and simple. Make plans with your girlfriends, wait til it comes out on dvd, whatever but you have no right to be upset with your guy for not wanting to do something that you want to do - granted if this became an everyday occurrence then I’d say it’s time you found another guy.
My point is that somewhere along the way it seems that we’ve lost our ability to stand up to each other in a non-confrontational way. I think that through our adult years we’ve been conditioned to know that saying yes is the path of least resistance, go along with the norm to keep everyone happy, placated. But we’ve also lost pure passion along the way too, our ability to go our own way, on our own, do our own thing, a stretch of selfishness. Even just for a moment of time. Two people together are not always going to walk the same road but that’s okay, the roads will reconverge but those moment of solitude? HEALTHY!
The reason agreeing is easier? It’s because we’re asking loaded questions - questions we already have an invested interest in. The positive response. Expectations - the outcome so clearly defined in our minds though without that first response it all falls apart… Stop having expectations of anyone but yourself… it doesn’t work. If you ask a question expecting a positive reply and you get a ‘no’ of course you’re going to be upset, you’re going to pout and your guy will (possibly) feel a little guilty but really? He shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Be strong enough to be on your own. Be in a relationship because you want to share adventures and laughter and love WITHOUT expectations. Learn to hear the word ‘no’, it’s not the end of the world.
This - “I enjoy making someone I care about feel special.” - this is the most important part about a relationship. It doesn’t mean seeing a movie you don’t want to or being afraid to ask for what you want - but at the end of the day it is about wanting the best for that person. It’s not about the big things, the romantic holidays. It’s about the everyday, the smiles that only you understand, the knowing looks. It’s about a random surprise just because you felt like it… it’s about remembering the little things like her favorite flowers (not roses, never roses) or his favorite wine. Those things matter so much more than hearing a simple ‘no’.
But then again, you don’t have to listen to me - my last relationship… well my last relationship was perfect to everyone else… he was deemed “the perfect” guy in every single way and I was “the bitch” for ending things - and why? Because he couldn’t tell me ‘no’ and he couldn’t stand on his own. I want an equal, not someone who turns his whole world into mine. But that’s just me… and no one is bringing me my favorite flowers…
So here goes…
I don’t get where we as men and women became unable to say the word ‘no’ or even better yet became unable to hear the word ‘no’. Maybe it’s ingrained in us from birth where as children ‘no’ only meant you wanted something more, to break the rules because that ‘no’ prevented you from something you really wanted, something exciting and adventurous and perhaps even at times dangerous but now, as adults? No isn’t a bad word, it doesn’t mean you can’t move on or a relationship is crumbling it is merely a difference in wants at that moment in time.
Don’t get me wrong, some ‘no’s truly do matter but I’m talking about the everyday requests here - if a girl you’re dating or involved with asks you to go and see The Vow with her (and any girl worth dating probably shouldn’t) there are two ways to respond - say yes, suck it up and make her happy for two hours or to say no. And girls, if he says no, accept it. Plain and simple. Make plans with your girlfriends, wait til it comes out on dvd, whatever but you have no right to be upset with your guy for not wanting to do something that you want to do - granted if this became an everyday occurrence then I’d say it’s time you found another guy.
My point is that somewhere along the way it seems that we’ve lost our ability to stand up to each other in a non-confrontational way. I think that through our adult years we’ve been conditioned to know that saying yes is the path of least resistance, go along with the norm to keep everyone happy, placated. But we’ve also lost pure passion along the way too, our ability to go our own way, on our own, do our own thing, a stretch of selfishness. Even just for a moment of time. Two people together are not always going to walk the same road but that’s okay, the roads will reconverge but those moment of solitude? HEALTHY!
The reason agreeing is easier? It’s because we’re asking loaded questions - questions we already have an invested interest in. The positive response. Expectations - the outcome so clearly defined in our minds though without that first response it all falls apart… Stop having expectations of anyone but yourself… it doesn’t work. If you ask a question expecting a positive reply and you get a ‘no’ of course you’re going to be upset, you’re going to pout and your guy will (possibly) feel a little guilty but really? He shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Be strong enough to be on your own. Be in a relationship because you want to share adventures and laughter and love WITHOUT expectations. Learn to hear the word ‘no’, it’s not the end of the world.
This - “I enjoy making someone I care about feel special.” - this is the most important part about a relationship. It doesn’t mean seeing a movie you don’t want to or being afraid to ask for what you want - but at the end of the day it is about wanting the best for that person. It’s not about the big things, the romantic holidays. It’s about the everyday, the smiles that only you understand, the knowing looks. It’s about a random surprise just because you felt like it… it’s about remembering the little things like her favorite flowers (not roses, never roses) or his favorite wine. Those things matter so much more than hearing a simple ‘no’.
But then again, you don’t have to listen to me - my last relationship… well my last relationship was perfect to everyone else… he was deemed “the perfect” guy in every single way and I was “the bitch” for ending things - and why? Because he couldn’t tell me ‘no’ and he couldn’t stand on his own. I want an equal, not someone who turns his whole world into mine. But that’s just me… and no one is bringing me my favorite flowers…
01 February 2012
Feb 1 - a quote
This resonated with me today and it's something I'm going to try and always remember...
"things that are hard to say are usually the most important:"
"things that are hard to say are usually the most important:"
15 January 2012
Jan 15...
Who do you tell your secrets to? Your fears? Your wildest dreams? Or do you keep them all locked tightly up inside afraid to let them see the light of day? Solely yours and yours alone?
14 January 2012
Jan 14...
It's nights like this that I wish I could just drop by your place on my way home - a surprise visit just because you crossed my mind on the late night drive - how I want to tell you about my coworkers 40th birthday party and how he hired a 'little person' to fulfill his Fantasy Island theme, I think you'd appreciate the humour in it all... how you'd smile and laugh...
And as I drive only a few streets over from your place, I think of you but I don't stop - though you're probably there... I don't see your sparkling eyes reflecting your laughter... we're not there yet but maybe in time... maybe you'll let me in enough to know it's okay, unexpected visits... maybe... until then I'll save my stories for you...
And as I drive only a few streets over from your place, I think of you but I don't stop - though you're probably there... I don't see your sparkling eyes reflecting your laughter... we're not there yet but maybe in time... maybe you'll let me in enough to know it's okay, unexpected visits... maybe... until then I'll save my stories for you...
13 January 2012
Jan 13...
Knowing you're in town still and that I've already said good-bye is hard... it's easier when you're no longer here...
and yes, I'm now just assuming you read this...
and yes, I'm now just assuming you read this...
09 January 2012
Jan 9 - a long time coming...
This post has taken me some time to write - to start writing - though it's been brewing in my head since the holidays, the new year. It's not a list of resolutions and I don't necessarily believe in defined goals since we as humans are constantly changing and growing and if I *had* goals they never would have included 'move to Australia' so there's also that... so that's been my struggle - what then does this become? I think - have been thinking - that's more an extravagant 'to do' list, conceptual... for this year, for the upcoming years - places to go, things to see, connections to make... things that I want from my future in however undefined way that evolves... and yes I'll be clear - they *are* constantly changing, always... always open to whatever presents itself in this moment for who knows what beauty a simple choice can bring...
And here once again I struggle with the words while only now (slowly) learning that I deserve everything I want... I know I can't always have specifics but the concepts, they will be mine but it's hard to voice them, hard when you know deep down that sometimes it's better to let go than to try and make something that isn't right work... it's true that the truth does hurt sometimes but it's all making me better, always better.
In December 2009 I spent a month in Ireland and fell in love with the country as I often do - I do fall in love with things often, privately... a place, a moment, an idea - I have always fallen in love easily with things, less so with people but I care - deeply - often to my detriment but yet I wouldn't have it any other way... I want to live passionately, always full on - I'd rather be feeling highs and lows, it let's me know I'm still alive... living.
And so... again after a pause to once again collect my thoughts.... my dreams, resolutions, objectives - whatever they may be called... things that I will strive for this year and through my life... a list:
-I want to fall in love... truly, with someone who is willing to fall in love back - fearless - or at least will to risk it... without running from it... I'm getting closer every day - to being the person who can look beyond the (potential) hurt to actually live out loud. This is scary - for me - for others but I can't do it any other way - I can't do half way. I don't want half way. I want a life, independent and entwined with someone else - not endless days of time together but brilliant moments making memories, reveling in the closeness and then yearning in the days spent apart, endless thoughts drifting, stories saved to share upon the next encounter. Someone who challenges me and makes me better and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"
-I want to travel... far and wide, exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the culture and language, the pace and customs... I want months spent in foreign places beyond our technological borders, disconnected. La Tomatina, Everest base camp, costa rica, greece, cuba...
-I don't want roots... I want freedom to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city, country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving - so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me. Australia, South and Central America... "passport stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"
-I want a job that I love, that challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing. I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or structure. I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that would sound like.
-I want to continue my quest to be stronger, better. Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing the wonderful... moderation. I've gotten stronger and I want to keep going - bigger goals, movements. Muscle-up, pull-ups (unassisted), learning to love burpees, my surfski..
Overall I want to continue to live a passionate life full of flavour... I don't want to sit back and watch the world go by I want to be a part of it, savoring the days and realising with every breathe that we only get once chance and time passes too quickly. If anything, the past year has taught me that bold choices do work out - unexpected offers become brilliant stepping stones to so much more.
I've learned that saying good-bye is hard but it's sometimes for the best and that there are people out there who no matter the time or distance will always have your back - and there are some that get tied up in themselves, too busy - and you have to let them go - anyone who *wants* to be in your life will always find the time - bullshit is overrated and requires too much energy, letting go is sometimes just better... we all deserve to live a beautiful life full of love and laughter and it's up to me to ensure that my life is full of it... that's my mantra if you will - life a life full of love and let go of things that no longer bring me happiness...
And here once again I struggle with the words while only now (slowly) learning that I deserve everything I want... I know I can't always have specifics but the concepts, they will be mine but it's hard to voice them, hard when you know deep down that sometimes it's better to let go than to try and make something that isn't right work... it's true that the truth does hurt sometimes but it's all making me better, always better.
In December 2009 I spent a month in Ireland and fell in love with the country as I often do - I do fall in love with things often, privately... a place, a moment, an idea - I have always fallen in love easily with things, less so with people but I care - deeply - often to my detriment but yet I wouldn't have it any other way... I want to live passionately, always full on - I'd rather be feeling highs and lows, it let's me know I'm still alive... living.
And so... again after a pause to once again collect my thoughts.... my dreams, resolutions, objectives - whatever they may be called... things that I will strive for this year and through my life... a list:
-I want to fall in love... truly, with someone who is willing to fall in love back - fearless - or at least will to risk it... without running from it... I'm getting closer every day - to being the person who can look beyond the (potential) hurt to actually live out loud. This is scary - for me - for others but I can't do it any other way - I can't do half way. I don't want half way. I want a life, independent and entwined with someone else - not endless days of time together but brilliant moments making memories, reveling in the closeness and then yearning in the days spent apart, endless thoughts drifting, stories saved to share upon the next encounter. Someone who challenges me and makes me better and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"
-I want to travel... far and wide, exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the culture and language, the pace and customs... I want months spent in foreign places beyond our technological borders, disconnected. La Tomatina, Everest base camp, costa rica, greece, cuba...
-I don't want roots... I want freedom to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city, country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving - so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me. Australia, South and Central America... "passport stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"
-I want a job that I love, that challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing. I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or structure. I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that would sound like.
-I want to continue my quest to be stronger, better. Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing the wonderful... moderation. I've gotten stronger and I want to keep going - bigger goals, movements. Muscle-up, pull-ups (unassisted), learning to love burpees, my surfski..
Overall I want to continue to live a passionate life full of flavour... I don't want to sit back and watch the world go by I want to be a part of it, savoring the days and realising with every breathe that we only get once chance and time passes too quickly. If anything, the past year has taught me that bold choices do work out - unexpected offers become brilliant stepping stones to so much more.
I've learned that saying good-bye is hard but it's sometimes for the best and that there are people out there who no matter the time or distance will always have your back - and there are some that get tied up in themselves, too busy - and you have to let them go - anyone who *wants* to be in your life will always find the time - bullshit is overrated and requires too much energy, letting go is sometimes just better... we all deserve to live a beautiful life full of love and laughter and it's up to me to ensure that my life is full of it... that's my mantra if you will - life a life full of love and let go of things that no longer bring me happiness...
31 December 2011
Dec 31... 2011 in memories...
2011 was a big year for me... really big... moving (literally) half way around the world by my self big... and it was awesome for so many reasons both before and after the move... to capture some of it...
-completed my first half marathon - 13.1km in 2:25ish which was right on pace with my goal (win!), also ran a 15km race and the 10km sun run (pretty good for someone who doesn't like to run)
-paddled all winter in the small boat series and got to spend lots of quality time with good friends
-went to new (Denver, Perth) and old (Toronto, Ottawa) places
-accepted a job in Australia in March, signed the contract in April and had my visa approved in May
-epic sleepover... 6 people stayed in my one bedroom apartment and it was one of the best nights I've had in forever especially as the evening started with good friends, lots of food, cake and coffee ice cream (Calvin you rock!)... I still blame the late night giggles on the ice cream...
-said goodbye to some really awesome friends over the two months I was unemployed and packing my 8 years of Vancouver life into a 5' x 8' trailer (my life fits in a trailer... crazy!)
-had an awesome roadtrip to Ottawa with my 11 year old buddy to see my dearest friend and it was amazing
-saw Wicked (again) twice!
-came thisclose to seeing the Canucks win the Stanley Cup but instead smelled the burning rubber from the riots
-fell in love with English Bay but cheated on it with the paddle wheeler... sadly left them both behind because...
-I MOVED TO AUSTRALIA
-found an charming little cottage to move into
-bought a surfski (and am still learning to paddle it)
-found crossfit which has in many ways changed my life
-met an awesome group of inspiring people who are all chasing their own dreams and encouraging me to chase mine
-did my first unassisted pull-up
-went on many disastrous dates and was about to give up when I met a good one who makes me better and is teaching me to be calm and patient
-let go of one of my oldest friends and the person who once knew me best (bye ft)
-had a summer birthday (odd)
-and a summer christmas (very odd)
-went to a tiny little island in the South Pacific (Rarotonga) to see good friends and paddled outrigger for the first time in 3 months reconfirming my love of the sport
But most importantly 2011 has been the year I've been content all on my own, not wanting or needing for anything more than I have - beautiful people who love and support me all around the world - I've learned that stuff doesn't matter as much as relationships and that people come and go and we must cherish every moment we have with them... that it's easy to brighten a persons day with an unexpected phone call or a postcard or just a note telling them you're thinking about them... that the world isn't such a big place after all even though the oceans are daunting... it was a year of trusting my instincts and taking chances and it's made me stronger and I've loved every minute... bring it 2012, I'm ready for you!
-completed my first half marathon - 13.1km in 2:25ish which was right on pace with my goal (win!), also ran a 15km race and the 10km sun run (pretty good for someone who doesn't like to run)
-paddled all winter in the small boat series and got to spend lots of quality time with good friends
-went to new (Denver, Perth) and old (Toronto, Ottawa) places
-accepted a job in Australia in March, signed the contract in April and had my visa approved in May
-epic sleepover... 6 people stayed in my one bedroom apartment and it was one of the best nights I've had in forever especially as the evening started with good friends, lots of food, cake and coffee ice cream (Calvin you rock!)... I still blame the late night giggles on the ice cream...
-said goodbye to some really awesome friends over the two months I was unemployed and packing my 8 years of Vancouver life into a 5' x 8' trailer (my life fits in a trailer... crazy!)
-had an awesome roadtrip to Ottawa with my 11 year old buddy to see my dearest friend and it was amazing
-saw Wicked (again) twice!
-came thisclose to seeing the Canucks win the Stanley Cup but instead smelled the burning rubber from the riots
-fell in love with English Bay but cheated on it with the paddle wheeler... sadly left them both behind because...
-I MOVED TO AUSTRALIA
-found an charming little cottage to move into
-bought a surfski (and am still learning to paddle it)
-found crossfit which has in many ways changed my life
-met an awesome group of inspiring people who are all chasing their own dreams and encouraging me to chase mine
-did my first unassisted pull-up
-went on many disastrous dates and was about to give up when I met a good one who makes me better and is teaching me to be calm and patient
-let go of one of my oldest friends and the person who once knew me best (bye ft)
-had a summer birthday (odd)
-and a summer christmas (very odd)
-went to a tiny little island in the South Pacific (Rarotonga) to see good friends and paddled outrigger for the first time in 3 months reconfirming my love of the sport
But most importantly 2011 has been the year I've been content all on my own, not wanting or needing for anything more than I have - beautiful people who love and support me all around the world - I've learned that stuff doesn't matter as much as relationships and that people come and go and we must cherish every moment we have with them... that it's easy to brighten a persons day with an unexpected phone call or a postcard or just a note telling them you're thinking about them... that the world isn't such a big place after all even though the oceans are daunting... it was a year of trusting my instincts and taking chances and it's made me stronger and I've loved every minute... bring it 2012, I'm ready for you!
Dec 27... 2011, a reflection...
Things 2011 has taught me...
-you cannot predict where you will be one year from now - sometimes even your wildest dreams don't come close to guessing
-it's better to speak your mind than hold back out of fear - we need to risk our hearts to find what we truly deserve and
-that which scares us the most matters most
-sometimes you just need to ask for what you want - the worst you can hear is no but at least then you can move forward
-sometimes your friends are found in the least likely of places - the constants aren't those you'd expect and the ones who you'd never thought would do keep in touch
-it's okay to move on - to let go when something isn't working anymore - to friendships, to loved ones or anything else that no longer makes you happy
-you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held - you just have to let them go so they can come back on their own, in time
-and it's okay to walk away from something that on the surface 'seems' right if in your heart it isn't regardless of what other people think (this was partly a 2010 realization)
-and it's okay to be lonely or sad but only for moments - then you must see the good and keep moving forward
-you don't get to choose your family and it's okay to leave them behind - if they truly love you you'll get all their support and not their spite
-we only get one chance in this world so we have to make each day count, savour the experiences both good and bad - the connections - they'll come and go but each one shapes us into who we are
-the world is massive - but technology can keep us close (most times)
-our greatest gift is our love - that we give freely without expectation, it makes us stronger
-the ability to accept love does as well
-love comes in many forms
-sometimes plans change and people who care for you surprise you by changing their plans so you don't have to be alone on a morning that means so much (thank you R.)
-traditions can be kept, or made on your own
-there is no predicting or dressing for Perth weather - sun/rain, heat/wind... constant changes
-the more you want your phone to ring the less likely it will
-but surprise wake-up calls on Christmas morning can make all the difference (thanks Ash!)
-and even when things look good and strong they often end unexpectedly and so we should cherish every good moment we have and ignore what may happen in the end
-30C Christmases don't feel right
-nor does summer in December
-crossfit is addictive
-the only place I can tune out the world is on my surfski or during a hard WOD
-the view is different from the top of a hill or from half way around the world
-good friends will always be there/ you can always come back to them
-sometimes all it takes is a slight shift in perspective to make things good again
-places that hold memories will fade over time and new ones will take their place - we need to keep making more memories
-a hot shower or a cold beer are cures for many things
-sometimes our dreams for the future change and that's okay... we only get one life to lead and it's not a straight line
-you have to take chances, lay it on the line to truly feel alive
-you can't depend on others to make you happy - you have to learn to do that on your own and that in itself will bring out more happiness around you
-2011 was my year for finding happiness - perhaps contentedness is a better description but I'm strong, standing on my own and I'm ready to find someone to share this life with, together, independently
-guacamole and watermelon could both be their own food groups
-paddling is the same around the world - and paddlers are a special welcoming breed and I love them all for it
-you cannot predict where you will be one year from now - sometimes even your wildest dreams don't come close to guessing
-it's better to speak your mind than hold back out of fear - we need to risk our hearts to find what we truly deserve and
-that which scares us the most matters most
-sometimes you just need to ask for what you want - the worst you can hear is no but at least then you can move forward
-sometimes your friends are found in the least likely of places - the constants aren't those you'd expect and the ones who you'd never thought would do keep in touch
-it's okay to move on - to let go when something isn't working anymore - to friendships, to loved ones or anything else that no longer makes you happy
-you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held - you just have to let them go so they can come back on their own, in time
-and it's okay to walk away from something that on the surface 'seems' right if in your heart it isn't regardless of what other people think (this was partly a 2010 realization)
-and it's okay to be lonely or sad but only for moments - then you must see the good and keep moving forward
-you don't get to choose your family and it's okay to leave them behind - if they truly love you you'll get all their support and not their spite
-we only get one chance in this world so we have to make each day count, savour the experiences both good and bad - the connections - they'll come and go but each one shapes us into who we are
-the world is massive - but technology can keep us close (most times)
-our greatest gift is our love - that we give freely without expectation, it makes us stronger
-the ability to accept love does as well
-love comes in many forms
-sometimes plans change and people who care for you surprise you by changing their plans so you don't have to be alone on a morning that means so much (thank you R.)
-traditions can be kept, or made on your own
-there is no predicting or dressing for Perth weather - sun/rain, heat/wind... constant changes
-the more you want your phone to ring the less likely it will
-but surprise wake-up calls on Christmas morning can make all the difference (thanks Ash!)
-and even when things look good and strong they often end unexpectedly and so we should cherish every good moment we have and ignore what may happen in the end
-30C Christmases don't feel right
-nor does summer in December
-crossfit is addictive
-the only place I can tune out the world is on my surfski or during a hard WOD
-the view is different from the top of a hill or from half way around the world
-good friends will always be there/ you can always come back to them
-sometimes all it takes is a slight shift in perspective to make things good again
-places that hold memories will fade over time and new ones will take their place - we need to keep making more memories
-a hot shower or a cold beer are cures for many things
-sometimes our dreams for the future change and that's okay... we only get one life to lead and it's not a straight line
-you have to take chances, lay it on the line to truly feel alive
-you can't depend on others to make you happy - you have to learn to do that on your own and that in itself will bring out more happiness around you
-2011 was my year for finding happiness - perhaps contentedness is a better description but I'm strong, standing on my own and I'm ready to find someone to share this life with, together, independently
-guacamole and watermelon could both be their own food groups
-paddling is the same around the world - and paddlers are a special welcoming breed and I love them all for it
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