Day 83... for me...

There are many posts that will probably not make sense to everyone reading here - it's just how it goes.  This writing is for me.  This writing is for those I write too - whether they know it or not.  These are my words.  My space to purge the insanity in my head - to make sense of the puzzles - to breathe. 

Often I am drawn back to old posts, old people and I'm surprised by the intensity of my thoughts, my feelings but I know in my heart is a was only a moment in time.  A place for me to expel the voices in my head in that second - sort it out.  And the words - the very highs and lows of it all - extremes which carry a speck of the truth for sure but the words expand on that in a provoking way - the ordinary so boring.

For those I write my words to - know that I will speak them to you aloud - the sounds echo the pure truth - that my writing is but a small piece of what you are to me - the true essence so much beyond this black and white.  The deeper intensity of it all is vague - needs vocalization not plain type.

Day 82...

I don't have much to say today... just cruising along... feeling the length of just a week... a week past, a week to come... many more after that.  Life is good in this in-between, bearable, a constant line... there are many thoughts inside my head depending on the hour, the minute, the space but they're just for you - not for here.  They will wait for the length of another week... past, present.

Day 81... rarotonga

I'm going to Rarotonga, Cook Islands... I booked my flight today.  And while it's ridiculous far - I get there half an hour before I actually leave here - and probably cost too much at the last minute... it's going to be worth it.  Great friends and a touch of home in the middle of the south pacific.  I can feel the sunshine on my skin, sand between my toes.  The soft tropical breeze, hammocks swinging in the wind and conversation.  Catching up.  Cheesecake.  I can't wait... I'm glad it's coming quickly - just 9 days til I leave...

Day 80...

There is something peaceful about running in the rain... it's quieter somehow, calming.  Comforting - a reminder of home only warmer.  Peaceful - until that big lash of wind comes at you from around a corner, pushing, enveloping.  In those moments the blinding rain becomes just too much.

Day 79... ch-ch-ch-changes...

I sit on my porch drinking coffee - the dregs so vile and yet still so tempting for that last swill of liquid - I am searching for the sun in the overcast sky - wondering where the heat is, the warmth.  I know it's coming - has shown me glimpses and I'm stuck - I want it but it's overpowering - so warm, sticky.  But this cool breeze, the one I'm going to cherish in a few weeks time, it's chilling right now, as I sit here and write.  Conflicted.  I listen to the sound of helicopters in the sky, wondering while Bowie sings through the speakers behind me...  Changes... my life this past year - full of changes.

I can barely remember the girl I was on my birthday last year - I can picture the evening fully - board games, great friends, family, cake...  I was still struggling then, about to initiate the changes - the ones that would get me to where I am now - to step fully into myself, so aware.  I would soon let go of something that seemingly looked so good on the surface, from a distance, by others.  A connection that just wasn't right - was never right except to those that looked on.  And while so many don't understand the ending, the reasons, I still can't explain, even after all this time - there are no words.  It just didn't feel right.  It wasn't right - for me.  And that was enough.

A few weeks later I was presented with an offer - an offer to move to Australia and it terrified me - it froze me for several months - never leaving my mind but seeming such a far fetched idea - half a world away.  But as the changes piled up so did the choices, the alternatives - I delayed it as much as I could but I eventually made the jump... and it feels great.  I'm here.  It fits. 

I often reflect - wonder how I got to where I am now - after all this time.  It definitely surprises me - if you'd asked me just one year ago where I'd be now I could have answered but I'd have been so wrong - my vision of the future then looked so different than it does now, present.  And I'm happy for that - I have lived fully this past year, grown, took chances, made choices - I have found happiness.  Happiness with others but more importantly within myself, a long time coming.  And so while I have dreams I don't struggle with the future so much - it's fluid, constantly changing by the decisions we make today - we can't foresee what it will bring and honestly - I don't want to... it's too much fun living right now.

Day 78...

I wrote to you today... I wrote about all the words I've said to you, the ones I haven't yet, the ones I still want to...  I wrote them but it might be a while before you see them, I'm not sure they're ready to be shared yet, not fully formed.  But they exist.  They exist in a place that isn't here - it's too public and those words, those words are personal - you and me.  Different.  I know that they will be shared in the near future with you - but not in writing, not in type but directly - conversing one on one like we do, what we're best at.  I will tell you all the thoughts that are sorting, forming, coming together in something that makes sense.  Words for you.  I wrote to you today...

Day 77... birthdays

Best birthday ever...

-in Australia for the first time
-late night phone calls with best friends
-cake at work and silly short jokes
-rain to make it feel like home
-warm enough to make me realize it wasn't
-great company
- tasty lamb dinner on the bbq
-lots of hugs
-and laughing
-conversations
-and connecting, really connecting
-good music
-more cake - 3 kinds....
-including cheesecake (for Lili)
-and coffee
-more hugs and goodbyes and future plans...
-perfect...

Here's to another great year...

Day 76... birthday cake

Today is a day for cake.  Lots and lots of cake.  Though I'll miss eating cheesecake with Lili and our soul searching conversations that come with that I will eat cake with new friends, in a new place, in the warm weather that is spring.  Though it's a different season, a different country I am still comforted in the fact that it has rained on my birthday - so typical of what I'm used to - but at least this time it comes with warmer temperatures.  Warmer temperatures... and cake.  Lots and lots of cake.

Day 75... bold chances

I want to live in the moment.  Right now, not the future.  I know that sounds simplistic, naive but it's suddenly this overwhelming urge.  Present.

There are things I want in life, goals, dreams, future 'plans' but I don't want them to define who I am today.  I don't want to be stuck waiting on the future - for everything to be aligned, perfect.

I want what makes me feel alive right now.  In this instant.  I believe everything is destined to be what it is meant to - we are presented with forks in the road - unexpectedly - and we get to make a choice, pick a path on this journey.  Experiences, people, adventures.  Decisions that define us, teach us, move us forward, take us where we're meant to go.  Every single step.

And I fully understand that choices I make today may some day cause me hurt, pain - but that isn't enough reason to hold back.  What-ifs and regrets won't make me happy, they'll temper my existence, moderated, mundane.  I want exceptional and amazing a true roller coaster of emotions - to live fully - pure passions contrasted with dark days.  I trust too that the good will by far outweigh the bad - the bad making the good so pure and magnificent in contrast.  Fully alive.

Every past choice has made us who we are today, every breath.  And now, now I yearn to take the bold chances - take them all - because they might turn into the perfectly formed future anyway.  And if not at least I'll have the memories, the smiles, the pure unfiltered living. To me, that is enough.

Day 74... November 1st...

November 1st, another month gone by.  Memories fading, new memories being made.  It's different this year, this month... the month where I normally feel your presence more, feel the past, feel the longing.  This year it's different.  The sun shines where the rain usually falls, the nights are spent in endless conversations with someone that's not you.  It's better, it's now.  Present, not past.  Future perhaps.  It makes me happy.

My thoughts of you are still there, you're still there - I can feel you through the distance but your silence is wearing on me, wearing me down.  I know I've promised to write at the beginning of every month and I will but I can't promise that my words won't change.  Tone.  I'm happy here, the sunshine reflects my mood - the rain is gone and you're slowly fading with it.