Today has been a struggle for me. I'm a little scattered. Contradicting emotions. Both ready to let go and terrified to do so. I'm ready only because when I take action I'll also be laying everything on the line - no holding back and that terrifies me just as much.
How do we learn to trust another with our truest of feelings, asking them to keep them safe but never quite knowing what might happen. And even worse - doing this in the face of 'see you around'? It's the ultimate test isn't it? Courage and strength, fear and trepidation? True conflict. Contradiction. But isn't that the thing... the biggest risks are worth it. And I'd like to think it gets easier but I know it never does. The difference is only in perspective... the ability to walk on through. To know we define ourselves - our harshest critic lives within us. Our strength comes from deep inside - from our roots, from those that love us from near and far - unconditionally. Yes, romantic love is a scary proposition but platonic love still surrounds us and will keep us afloat.
Edit: So I did it... put all my trust and faith in another person that has absolutely nothing to offer me at this time. I shared with him my writing - put it all in his hands - my true feelings and thoughts, uncensored. A final hug and kiss and I was off... tears in my eyes and a smile on my face... emotions still contradicting. But I am good. I feel good for giving him a part of me, unconditionally, without any knowledge of what he might do with that piece. And in that moment, I was strong, I could see him just as he was. Fearful of not being strong enough, of holding on to the independence he spent many years cultivating - standing on his own two feet, support from only himself. And while he didn't completely acknowledge my assumptions it truly was written on his face in the darkness. He's a little lost right now, doesn't know where to go but still dreams of having it all. He just needs to believe he CAN have it... but that requires time, nothing but his introspection and time.
It's funny too, while writing to him... I thought my ability to see people was almost a curse - how I struggle so much because I know I can't change people, can't shake them into seeing the potential that they have. But with him... maybe I will be a difference. Perhaps my recognition of his true soul will help him sort through it, figure it out for the next girl that comes along - the next girl... for I have only an ember of hope that he'll change his mind about me. I want him to but I can't bank on that... that would leave me broken. It's funny though... he still asked for more time... keeps hanging on even through all my pushing and impatience. Me, the girl that he can't control but yet likes completely how I am... there is always another contradiction...
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