Life is full of surprises... sometimes they scare the shit out of you (literally!) but in a completely good way... unexpected nonetheless. Left with a smile.
And it's funny how the surprises just keep coming...
Edit:
Will it ever stop - my words to you? Maybe in time but as usual I still have so much to say... this shouldn't be surprising. You made me confront you again tonight - in a completely uncomfortable way but you really left me no choice - you retreated... back to your comfort zone, hiding behind your phone, your ex girlfriend, your tired excuses. It's funny how the light of day can change things - sobering us up to run back to where we feel safe. Funny - how our truest selves come forth in intoxication - and while I'd like to think I'm delusional, seeing more than there actually is... I know I'm not. Your uncensored self stood in my doorway last night, curled up to me in bed. Used words not easily spoken, asked for trust in our future. Your truest self. And while there wasn't much need to apologize in the moment I can see where you might get hung up on the result - embarassed even - your actions, inactions perhaps a reason for retreat? I know you're still running - it's why you can't say things straight to my face - still reach for the hugs. I find it sadly amusing but it's way beyond my control.
I can't push anymore - last night was my one last stand and you took it - showed up at my door only to retreat through today. One final act of control it seems... I'm ok, but I'm not sure that you are. I see your sad eyes - the ones that can't quite look at me - the ones that make excuses rather than take that bold step. I can seeing you running back into familiar patterns - the ones that you told me didn't work before. Contradicting thoughts - of it being too intense too soon and yet also not enough up front. Conflicted. You talked about the future in the darkness, slightly in the daylight and then pulled back... way back. I think you're still scared, the courageous buzz worn off, scared that I didn't back down - that though I didn't confront you in the midnight hour I did stand firm on getting it from you - but with distance that doesn't happen. Won't happen. And it's why you put out the bait again this evening - and I took it... surprised?
You are a good person but you need time - I can see that - time with yourself to figure out what you want to be. Who you want to be. Who you want to be with. I think you're starting to realize that too. I hope you take the time truly, looking toward the future rather than holding on to the past, going back for more. I hope you find the simplicity and beauty in life. I hope your eyes find the sparkle that they had with me.
And I'll go back to the last words I left you with -before you ingested my writing and knocked on my door.... it's the ones you'll reread countless times over wondering if you made the right choice - the retreat... and those words are this:
I know our story isn't done yet... I can't explain why but it's something I believe in.... we are only just beginning, our chapter is long, we have so much to learn from each other, to teach... I know that this is only the start.
Find the sparkle... find your happiness.
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