I sit on this bench near the ocean like I did nearly a year ago - but it was a different ocean that time, I was a different person. I was more settled than I am in this instant. My future so clear to me then - a calm assuredness that it was right there ready for me to grab it. But I've learned a new lesson now - I can be ready but if I try to grab on too hard it slips away. Like sand in my hand - I have to remain still lest it slip through my fingers. My hand can be ready to hold on but there will always be cracks. I am ready - but it all seems so out of my control - I wonder how it will ever happen - doubts about our connections as humans - it's a shift that has come over me because the biggest connection I thought I had made since journeying around the world has slipped away from me - out of my grasp and there's nothing more I can do to hang on and still I struggle to let go.
I know he's near by - I am writing these words while sitting at the beach that he introduced me to on a day that seems to long ago - the water seems so calm like it did that day but the wind tells a different story. It's got an edge to it that mimics my feelings, my sadness. I don't want to see him and yet I do. Conflict. What I truly want is him to reach out - to want to see me but he's selfish - more consumed in himself than the fragile egos of others. Everything on the surface, everything only him. And so I remain on the periphery looking for more - looking to connect - pure connection with someone who believes in the connection right back. Yet I'm afraid to put myself out there again - afraid of letting go.
*****
These are the words from when I sat on that other ocean - on the edge of English Bay almost a year ago...
Summer's fading. I sense the chill settling in for a long and grey winter and I feel surprisingly light. Optimistic about the future. The warm sunshiny days buoyed my spirit through the past six months but now the warmth resides in my soul. Radiating from my insides. The chill surrounds me but it can't penetrate. I'm happy throughout my being. My body is responding. Growing. Evolving.
The leaves on the tree above my head are changing colours like the thoughts rooted deep inside me. I question my future while seeing it so vividly. A cozy cottage in the country. Rustic. Warm. It's everything I am. Rooted. The stories fill the walls but are slow to escape. Like me. I see someone here with me, obscured by the shadows. Just out of view. A man who is moments away from enveloping me in his strong arms. A beautiful finishing touch to all that I am. Independent. Together.
In this moment I sit listening to the waves hit the shore in the midst of the city. So far from that future that I feel is just out of reach. Not so far away. Such contrast. I'm confused still on how to get there - jump this great divide. I struggle with the vast difference between there and here while remaining undeniably calm in my being. I'm confident that I'll get there in time. I'm aware that I've still got lessons to learn. Learning. I know in my heart that my future will be there. In time. And it will be beautiful.
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