I struggle to write this to you knowing that I'm close to sharing this space. You'll read it. I'm not afraid of my words in all their honesty, I'm just scared of your reaction. I don't know you well enough to know what it might be - I have an idea but it's yet to be confirmed and I don't want you to run off when I'm just getting to know you.
It's funny, I'm calm with you - where normally I'd push, struggle, grasp. You're different - I think that's it. With the others I knew there was nothing there even through all the bullshit - when there is nothing, there's really nothing to lose. And I knew. And so I pushed. Pushed so that it'd be done with, moving on rather than playing games. I hate games.
With you - it's simple. Easy. Easy and yet so damn complicated if that makes any sense at all. Happy. I find myself having an illogical crush on you but I can't deny it - don't want to. Connections in this world are so rare and so we must make the most of those that come along no matter how indefinite. Intertwined. I'm learning to live in the present fully and completely - I'm getting that from you. There's no use looking beyond each moment - there aren't that many more to come, aren't that many already. No expectations.
I'm a better me with you though - open, unafraid. I easily share my stories - brief hesitation, dive right in - words I've rarely admitted out loud come spewing forth without fear - I don't know why or how, it just happens and I'm thankful for that. And your words echo mine for which I'm grateful. No judgment, just us. Just being. I want to sit with you forever and spill my insides, share all my words, hear all of yours but there isn't enough time - we fill all the spaces easily and there just always seems to be more. You, me. I cherish all your stories as you let me purge mine. As we laugh and connect. Commiserate. Smile.
Our lives are on diverging paths - my head is fully aware, has known since before I met you and so I cherish the moments - the caffeine, the heat. The phone calls, the Spanish. You always give me more each time we part, plans - so different - surprisingly simple but I know one day you won't, can't. I know that this has a deadline and yet I'm still jumping, still open, still ready. Here and now. Only now.
And so without reason I find happiness in you, from you, to you. Shared. Silly and serious, past and present. Stories, simplicity. Laughter, lots and lots of laughter. I look into your eyes - see the sparkle, the mischief - I can't remember the last time I've done that consciously with another. I want to absorb as much of it as I can until you go - but I won't push. Not this time. I'll take what you have to give fully understanding of your commitments, knowing that I fit into your world in pieces, no definitions, no constraints - just moments here and there. And I know you'll come back... and when you do? Who knows. I can't - won't - think that far ahead when I'm happy here and now, spending time with someone cool. Connections - a funny thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment