Reflections of 2011 seemed easier as so many things changed in big ways last
year. This year was the opposite. Though I’ve continued to learn and grow over
the past year things stayed mostly the same and I am surprisingly comfortable
with this fact. I am excited going into 2013,
I feel energized and settled and whole.
I am open to what it holds for me, the potential. I feel ready now for things that I’ve wanted
for so long that I was (probably) never ready for in the past. Maybe it took a new beginning, a fresh start
or perhaps I’ve only just now found the place that I feel I belong to. Perth doesn’t feel temporary like Toronto and
even Vancouver did. It feels like home.
And so, my reflections on 2012 should to start with looking back on what I wanted
when the year started.
I want to fall in love... truly, with
someone who is willing to fall in love back… I want a life, independent
and entwined with someone else… Someone who challenges me and makes me better
and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the
present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"
Love has started to catch me by surprise this year. It’s no longer scary to me even while I start
to fall in love with a boy who might possibly never love me back. In the past I would have been terrified of
this (I still am a little) but where I once would have held back out of fear of
being left behind I now realize that opening my heart to love doesn’t make me
lose control but rather allows me full expression
of my feelings, my choices, independent of any outside influence. Being able to love without expectation is
freeing in ways I never would have imagined.
In letting go of an assumed outcome I’ve been surprised at how open my
heart can be. I am conscious of the many
moments that make my heart unguardedly swell with love, they don’t look like
what I thought they would – they are simple and pure and innocent. Random. Warm and honest and real. No judgments and definitely no expectation.
While I haven’t fallen fully in love in 2012 I am so much closer to it than I
ever have been and I’m hopeful. I
believe in myself now, I’ve learned that this year. I know I deserve (romantic) love in its most
open and honest form and that it will happen, naturally, in time. With patience. And I’m sure it will surprise me too. I have also opened my eyes to the love that
surrounds me every day. Family and
friends, moments, connections. It all
looks different but still, I see it everywhere.
It’s humbling and satisfying and really what life is ultimately about.
I want to travel... far and wide,
exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the
culture and language, the pace and customs...
I really didn’t do much travel in 2012.
There was a brief long weekend down south with my parents and Justyn but
that seemed all too brief. There was the
month spent back in North America but that felt all too familiar though was
amazing to reconnect with old friends.
Most of 2012 was just spent living, being. Finding happiness in the everyday rather than
the bigger trips. I do want to see more
of the world but I don’t feel the need to constantly be on a plane, perhaps
because everything is so much farther away from Perth. I am happy where I am in this moment.
I don't want roots... I want freedom
to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city,
country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving -
so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me.
Australia, South and Central America... "passport
stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"
This one has definitely changed for me.
I’m not sure I can adequately express my feelings on it as they are in a
bit of flux right now but I can see the value of roots. Of surrounding myself with a community of people
who are passionate and supportive and open.
That feeling of connectedness, not to a place but more to the people in
it. I have that here and perhaps that’s
why I feel more settled than I’ve ever been.
I have friends who truly want the best for me, without need for anything
in return. And they get that back,
unconditionally. Happiness for all. There is no competition of who is the best –
just acceptance that we’re all different and pushing to be the best selves we
can be. It’s inspiring and encouraging. So while actually owning a house isn’t
something I can wrap my head around, I now see the beauty in being in one place
– as I start to think about a family of my own, of child(ren) it feels right. A home base.
To come and go from - my yearning to travel, to see the world, will
always exist - but to have roots, a community, a place to call home, to be
connected to – I want that.
I want a job that I love, that
challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing.
I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or
structure. I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that
would sound like.
This is truer than ever. Though 2012
saw me lose my old job it didn’t sadden me at all. In fact it strengthened my resolve to stay in
Australia, pushed me to find a new one.
Is it my dream one? No. But it does challenge me and I am good at it
and I do enjoy it most of the time. For now,
until I can make more sense of what it is that I do want it works for me. I still struggle with the writing though and I
do need to make this more of a priority.
I have a (mostly) crossfit blog that has gotten almost 15,000 page views
now but I want to write more creatively.
Share my stories somehow, make them clearer and more relatable. I want a bigger outlet for my creativity
overall and I still need to make it a priority.
I want to continue my quest to be
stronger, better. Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing
the wonderful... moderation.
I aced this in 2012. Early in the
year it started with a three week strict paleo ‘diet’ that taught me that
eating healthier isn’t all that hard and that moderation in all things is
key. I’ve gotten heaps stronger throughout
the year though at times my mind still struggles to comprehend this (I’m
working on that one now). My body is in
the best physical shape that it’s ever been in and overall my head is too. I still enjoy being lazy (at times) and
chocolate (at times) and alcohol too (at times) but my life no longer revolves
around these things as it seemingly once did.
Instead I choose to connect with friends over workouts, playing and
laughing and beaching. I’m comfortable
with who I am and for 2013 this will be a continuation, a constant state of
being for the rest of my life.
2013
So what do I want from this year. I
have sat with this thought over the last few weeks and I can honestly say I don’t
know. I am happy. Truly and fully happy. Sure, shit happens but I bounce back from it
better than I ever have – seeing the lessons, learning to change the story that
I spin on things – seeing the positive over the negative, trusting in the good. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ somehow became
my motto in 2012 – mostly focused around crossfit workouts but when applied to
everything else has the same effect. If
the answer isn’t death or dismemberment then it probably isn’t all that bad and
I’ll carry this with me into 2013.
I truly don’t want for anything right now – not in my immediate future. I do want a family, child(ren) but I don’t
feel the need to rush that, I trust that it will happen in time if I keep being
open to it. I want to continue to feed
my happiness, surround myself with people I love, do things that make me smile,
be open to new challenges, experience everything in each moment, be vulnerable,
connected and communicate from my heart. These things can’t be wrapped into measurable
goals and so I’m not going to try. I’m just going to live. Today.
One day at a time rather than waiting on the future. “To be
passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the
idea of the future”
04 January 2013
03 January 2013
2013-3
Love. Being open and unafraid of it. No expectations of it. Just it. Love.
Told someone I was falling in love with them today and it felt really good. For no other reason that I got to share it. Be vulnerable about and yet feel so safe in it. Don't leave the words unsaid.
Told someone I was falling in love with them today and it felt really good. For no other reason that I got to share it. Be vulnerable about and yet feel so safe in it. Don't leave the words unsaid.
02 January 2013
01 January 2013
2013-1
'Angie', 'Annie' and 'Grace' - 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 250 sit-ups, 100 squats, 150 double unders, 30 clean and jerks @ 45kg... numerous great friends, good bbq and surrounded by love and happiness... this year is going to kick ass!
18 December 2012
December 2012
December 17, 2012
Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence. Your silence.
My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again. It’s a feeling, nestled deep. Ebb and flow. Captured clearly in your sad eyes. My pattern when this happens is to grasp. Grab. To hold on tight out of fear. But that’s never worked for me before. Doesn’t work for you now. So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away. I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me. To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly. The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about. The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me. Without expectation or need but purely out of want. A mutually open connection.
Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance. Your silence.
December 16, 2012
Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days. Recollections. Reflections.
It could be the time of year.
Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
October turned into December
It could be the similarities
Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence. Your silence.
My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again. It’s a feeling, nestled deep. Ebb and flow. Captured clearly in your sad eyes. My pattern when this happens is to grasp. Grab. To hold on tight out of fear. But that’s never worked for me before. Doesn’t work for you now. So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away. I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me. To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly. The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about. The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me. Without expectation or need but purely out of want. A mutually open connection.
Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance. Your silence.
December 16, 2012
Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days. Recollections. Reflections.
It could be the time of year.
Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
October turned into December
It could be the similarities
The seasons
The scenery
Both of
you offering not quite enough
Guarded,
stubborn, temporary
It could be the differences
It could be the differences
Kisses burning
my lips
Consistent
and generous words
Passionate
embraces disappearing in an instant
Sparkling
eyes and hugs that last for days
Taking lives
A love
of life
As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed. A year gone by. A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy. You.
And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.
Sitting beside me. Holding my hand and smiling. Happy. Together.
As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed. A year gone by. A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy. You.
And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.
Sitting beside me. Holding my hand and smiling. Happy. Together.
18 November 2012
November 18, 2012 - I need you too....
I missed you today. I had to resist the million urges I had to message
you silly things. I needed you to miss me too, if only a
little. I wonder though if you noticed I wasn't there. I haven't heard. You've stopped reaching out to
me lately. No morning texts, no random calls. When I'm upset, hurting
you're there reaching out but on the other days it's always a response
to me. Maybe I don't make it simple. Safe. But that's just who I am.
You know that. I've realized too that I'm not good at needing people, it's a bit harder to care for me but I need it all the same.
Maybe even more.
I watched you last night - time and time again you reached out to your best friends but not to me. In many ways I'm jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they get the you that I want. The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness. I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate, gentlemanly - this thing you do for them. Them. But as I sat back and watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?
I question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets? All I did last night was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me. You responded too, every time. Responded. Reacted. No action though. Nothing specifically for me except what I stole. I don't want to be a thief. I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or more. Give and take. Reciprocal. There's no true happiness any other way.
Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me. Randomly. The boy who suggests dinner and documentaries. Who calls me, just because and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I blissfully drift to sleep. I see it from a distance across a crowded room, eyes searching for my blue shirt. In a caress on my back in a bookstore. I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity coming out. Grasping.
I need the man who can agree that a hug feels great rather than changing the subject. Deflecting. I need the man who grabs my hand first because he just can't stop himself. The one who spins me around in a joyful dance. The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little and who is vulnerable enough to need me too. The man who wants me as much as I want him - equal. But you've been clear - you're not that man. At least not yet.
Everything logically tells me you're falling for me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in. Your silence, your retreat. I have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems. I know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the bottom either. I need you too it just looks different. You'll see.
I watched you last night - time and time again you reached out to your best friends but not to me. In many ways I'm jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they get the you that I want. The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness. I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate, gentlemanly - this thing you do for them. Them. But as I sat back and watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?
I question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets? All I did last night was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me. You responded too, every time. Responded. Reacted. No action though. Nothing specifically for me except what I stole. I don't want to be a thief. I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or more. Give and take. Reciprocal. There's no true happiness any other way.
Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me. Randomly. The boy who suggests dinner and documentaries. Who calls me, just because and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I blissfully drift to sleep. I see it from a distance across a crowded room, eyes searching for my blue shirt. In a caress on my back in a bookstore. I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity coming out. Grasping.
I need the man who can agree that a hug feels great rather than changing the subject. Deflecting. I need the man who grabs my hand first because he just can't stop himself. The one who spins me around in a joyful dance. The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little and who is vulnerable enough to need me too. The man who wants me as much as I want him - equal. But you've been clear - you're not that man. At least not yet.
Everything logically tells me you're falling for me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in. Your silence, your retreat. I have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems. I know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the bottom either. I need you too it just looks different. You'll see.
13 September 2012
september 13, 2012... a kickstart
This blog is coming back to life... I was inspired this morning and while those words will take a bit more time to reach the white of this space I know that I need to write. I can't promise every day, I can't force the words like I did last time but I do need more focus, so I'm putting it here. More words, weekly at least.
I figure if I can nudge a good friend into writing more for my benefit I can do so myself for whomever may be interested in my words. And more importantly, to write the words for myself, for clarity. To grow. I need to purge them now and then, let them see the light so I can learn.
There is a lot going on in my life right now but at the end of it all it distills down to happiness in the simplest of forms. I am happy. Life is simple. I will write.
I figure if I can nudge a good friend into writing more for my benefit I can do so myself for whomever may be interested in my words. And more importantly, to write the words for myself, for clarity. To grow. I need to purge them now and then, let them see the light so I can learn.
There is a lot going on in my life right now but at the end of it all it distills down to happiness in the simplest of forms. I am happy. Life is simple. I will write.
31 August 2012
august 30, 2012 - it sounded different today...
Ever hear a song and it just fits the moment perfectly?
It could be a song you've heard a million times before in a many different
places but for some reason in one specific moment it goes beyond words and
sounds and blends in with the world around you, the vastness, the emptiness,
the lyrics taking on a deeper meaning at that point in time? That
happened to me today... my thoughts were wrapped up in you. Wondering,
worrying, wanting to throw my arms around you and not let go. One big hug
saying more than any words ever could. The song was Chasing Cars by Snow
Patrol but it wasn't the album version, it's the live version recorded at Union
Chapel and it's haunting and full of yearning and in that moment this afternoon
as I walked out into the sunshine and let the weight of today sink over me it
came on… it stopped me where I stood and suddenly took on new meaning and
wrapped itself in you. I know you're okay, you told me you would be - it
would be and I believe you with everything in me. I know I'll see your
face soon enough, that cheeky grin that lights up your eyes. I will feel
your strong arms wrap around me and we'll lie beside each other and talk about
ridiculous things and we'll laugh and enjoy that moment, a little bit of normal
- it's all I can offer you, all that you've ever wanted and maybe that's just
enough.
14 August 2012
august 14th - it's simple really...
I want to be your friend. I try to be your friend. When I find myself giving up on being your friend you shock me. In person. You're warm and welcoming and it makes me question everything. Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that I think you are cute and sweet but you are, it's true. Why hold that back? It doesn't mean I want you, another boy a million miles away holds that spot for me - though that first hug did catch me by surprise. I wonder if my seeing you regularly - in passing - is what keeps us from hanging out - no need to make time for someone you see so often... but there's so much more to share, stories to be told though I find myself giving up, tired of asking. It shouldn't be this hard, it's simple really. I want to be your friend.
03 July 2012
7/3... a rush of emotions
I thought of you today when I heard the news...
Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...
I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part. The unknown, the unknowing. But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey. I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.
I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now. But know that you're in my thoughts, every day. I smile when I remember something silly. I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days. I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with. Your last words though, they echo through my mind. It will be okay. I trust that. It will be okay.
Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...
I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part. The unknown, the unknowing. But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey. I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.
I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now. But know that you're in my thoughts, every day. I smile when I remember something silly. I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days. I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with. Your last words though, they echo through my mind. It will be okay. I trust that. It will be okay.
31 May 2012
Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me
but at least respect me enough to say so. I get that you're a professed
'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you
do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it
so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be
fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't
understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so
I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave
you alone say so, it's not really that complicated. It's all on you...
24 May 2012
Thankful(?) Things Thursday
So thursday's are supposed to be for thankful things so lets see what we can do about it after this revelation...
-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that. It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...
-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim
So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?
-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that. It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...
-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim
So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?
21 May 2012
May 21, 2012
You're still here and already I miss you. Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be. I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to. You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world. I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this. If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that. But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears. I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss. A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this. I can't ask anymore. We both know now that it's completely up to you. Everything is up to you.
One
May 20, 2012
I promise to never cry when you leave. Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'. I will never cry - at least not in your presence.
Over the past week the tears have come. Unexpectedly. Unrelentingly. They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least. And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach. A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.
The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe. No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already. For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me. They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much. I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people. Together. But this time it's harder...
All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief. But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months. Months. A year. I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable. It's daunting. And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect. I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters. These letters to you.
I promise to never cry when you leave. Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'. I will never cry - at least not in your presence.
Over the past week the tears have come. Unexpectedly. Unrelentingly. They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least. And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach. A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.
The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe. No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already. For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me. They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much. I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people. Together. But this time it's harder...
All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief. But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months. Months. A year. I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable. It's daunting. And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect. I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters. These letters to you.
23 April 2012
Weekly Reflection
It's been a pretty stellar week though I'm lacking time to fully update it so here are the main points in no particular order:
-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome... Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable. https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.
-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out
It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends. Nothing could be better. Here's to another great week!
-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome... Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable. https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.
-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out
It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends. Nothing could be better. Here's to another great week!
19 April 2012
Thankful Things Thursday
-New clothes - I dislike shopping but when everything is too big it's a requirement - new dress - size XS? Yup, I'll take it.
-The cute little lady at the market - every single weekend for as long as I can remember - she's been giving me an extra mango - secretly, it's always hushed when she says "you can have one more" and it always makes me smile. Sadly mango season has come to an end.
-Knowing and believing in my heart that we only get one (finite) life on this planet and there's no use spending it any other way than happy... you define your happiness - it will change, perhaps daily but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting to let go of what I think the future should look like and replace it what today should be like because today is what matters most... every day.
-Olympic Lifting sessions and getting stronger. Most days, no matter how good or bad they've been are always made better by a good crossfit session and I'm loving learning technique to get even better still.
-Last minute weekend WODs with good friends. Handstand pushups and handstand walks. Being able to do pullups in the park and not needing a band. Love. Winner buys coffee is the best and only rule.
-Coffee
-Learning to let go - of people specifically... even ones you care deeply about because sometimes it's the only option, I know I can't control anyone but myself and how I choose to feel/be. It doesn't mean the caring stops though.
-New shoes, and obnoxiously bright pink shoelaces for those shoes.
-Travel plans... they're still indefinite (flights are expensive!) but they're forming and that makes me really excitedly happy.
-I am extremely thankful for electricity. After 15 hours without it last weekend I was overjoyed when the power company finally came and fixed the line. It's amazing how creepy a place can seem just knowing you can't turn on a light versus normal every day darkness. Yes, power.
-The cute little lady at the market - every single weekend for as long as I can remember - she's been giving me an extra mango - secretly, it's always hushed when she says "you can have one more" and it always makes me smile. Sadly mango season has come to an end.
-Knowing and believing in my heart that we only get one (finite) life on this planet and there's no use spending it any other way than happy... you define your happiness - it will change, perhaps daily but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting to let go of what I think the future should look like and replace it what today should be like because today is what matters most... every day.
-Olympic Lifting sessions and getting stronger. Most days, no matter how good or bad they've been are always made better by a good crossfit session and I'm loving learning technique to get even better still.
-Last minute weekend WODs with good friends. Handstand pushups and handstand walks. Being able to do pullups in the park and not needing a band. Love. Winner buys coffee is the best and only rule.
-Coffee
-Learning to let go - of people specifically... even ones you care deeply about because sometimes it's the only option, I know I can't control anyone but myself and how I choose to feel/be. It doesn't mean the caring stops though.
-New shoes, and obnoxiously bright pink shoelaces for those shoes.
-Travel plans... they're still indefinite (flights are expensive!) but they're forming and that makes me really excitedly happy.
-I am extremely thankful for electricity. After 15 hours without it last weekend I was overjoyed when the power company finally came and fixed the line. It's amazing how creepy a place can seem just knowing you can't turn on a light versus normal every day darkness. Yes, power.
 |
| New Dress/ blurry photo |
13 April 2012
A reminder...
I'm the girl who:
-drives too fast down a tiny one way street but just can't help herself
-has terrible fears of not having an epic love and growing old alone
-doesn't have many friends but is loyal and faithful to the ones I have an once they're in my heart they are there forever no matter how much time or distance comes between us
-feels more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but looks pretty damn hot in a dress and a great pair of heels.
-goes along with societies norms but doesn't quite fit into them
-doesn't belong to cities but rather to the world and can't imagine ever having roots to just one place
-has three places that I call home, where I am now, Vancouver and wherever my parents live
-loves simplicity though I too often cause complications in my external world
-has no musical talent and yet can't live without the sound of it in my life
-loves love hip hop and classic rock yet will always crank up the radio to sing along to the sappy late 80's power ballads that shaped my formative years
-wishes on stars and eyelashes knowing that neither have the capacity to make my dreams come true
-loves domesticity and cooking and cottages and yet I sit at a desk 9-5 monday to friday and finding it both sometimes rewarding and often stifling
-understands how it's easy to give your body away when you don't care about the other though anything but easy when you do
-knows heartbreak and the void of people leaving but has learned through the years that it's not always about me though even when it is I learn and get stronger for the next time
-feels anything worth having is worth taking a bit of risk on
-realises that there are no guarantees in life but sometimes trust is enough with the right person.
-wants a marriage but doesn't think the wedding is necessary though in my mind I can picture the dress I'd love to wear
-is strong and composed but sometimes also completely lost inside and that we're all really the same in this regard
-yearns for love but often finds it hard to let myself *be* loved
-believes there is one other out there for her, that one person that you feel like you've known for years and you choose each other
-thinks that it's better to fight when things gets hard rather than walking away, giving up
-trusts that things worth having are sometimes complicated but ultimately worth it
-believes that sometimes you just have to jump and trust that another person is going to stick with you through the ups and downs and won't walk away even when so many people have walked away before
-is terrified of so many things and yet standing strong afraid to share these secrets
-is full of emotions and curiosity and wonder and my mind never stops trying to 'figure it all out' even though there are rarely any answers
-expects the best from anyone even as I'm constantly let down because of it
-often gets hurt when I open my heart but wouldn't have it any other way
-spent too much time hiding and pushing people away and I don't want to do it anymore
-doesn't want regrets and is willing to take the risks
-wants a person in her life to share moments with, the silliness and laughter, coming and going through time
-loves roadtrips, a fast car, the hwy, windows down and music turned up LOUD
-things that the best part of traveling is the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane
-enjoys paddling - outrigger, stand up, surfski
-has been single longer than not but I'd rather be alone than to settle for anything less that perfect (for me)
-is an only child and enjoy my independence and space
-loves dusk as the world slows down in that transition from day to night
-dislikes Halloween and New Years
-thinks the sound of laughter is beautiful
-hates wearing shoes
-loves the water but can't really swim
-enjoys playing, revisiting youthful days
-has a strong affection for my bed and lazy mornings spent in it
-loves a good thunderstorm sitting by a fire
-can't pass a used bookstore without going inside and admiring the contents within
-drives too fast down a tiny one way street but just can't help herself
-has terrible fears of not having an epic love and growing old alone
-doesn't have many friends but is loyal and faithful to the ones I have an once they're in my heart they are there forever no matter how much time or distance comes between us
-feels more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but looks pretty damn hot in a dress and a great pair of heels.
-goes along with societies norms but doesn't quite fit into them
-doesn't belong to cities but rather to the world and can't imagine ever having roots to just one place
-has three places that I call home, where I am now, Vancouver and wherever my parents live
-loves simplicity though I too often cause complications in my external world
-has no musical talent and yet can't live without the sound of it in my life
-loves love hip hop and classic rock yet will always crank up the radio to sing along to the sappy late 80's power ballads that shaped my formative years
-wishes on stars and eyelashes knowing that neither have the capacity to make my dreams come true
-loves domesticity and cooking and cottages and yet I sit at a desk 9-5 monday to friday and finding it both sometimes rewarding and often stifling
-understands how it's easy to give your body away when you don't care about the other though anything but easy when you do
-knows heartbreak and the void of people leaving but has learned through the years that it's not always about me though even when it is I learn and get stronger for the next time
-feels anything worth having is worth taking a bit of risk on
-realises that there are no guarantees in life but sometimes trust is enough with the right person.
-wants a marriage but doesn't think the wedding is necessary though in my mind I can picture the dress I'd love to wear
-is strong and composed but sometimes also completely lost inside and that we're all really the same in this regard
-yearns for love but often finds it hard to let myself *be* loved
-believes there is one other out there for her, that one person that you feel like you've known for years and you choose each other
-thinks that it's better to fight when things gets hard rather than walking away, giving up
-trusts that things worth having are sometimes complicated but ultimately worth it
-believes that sometimes you just have to jump and trust that another person is going to stick with you through the ups and downs and won't walk away even when so many people have walked away before
-is terrified of so many things and yet standing strong afraid to share these secrets
-is full of emotions and curiosity and wonder and my mind never stops trying to 'figure it all out' even though there are rarely any answers
-expects the best from anyone even as I'm constantly let down because of it
-often gets hurt when I open my heart but wouldn't have it any other way
-spent too much time hiding and pushing people away and I don't want to do it anymore
-doesn't want regrets and is willing to take the risks
-wants a person in her life to share moments with, the silliness and laughter, coming and going through time
-loves roadtrips, a fast car, the hwy, windows down and music turned up LOUD
-things that the best part of traveling is the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane
-enjoys paddling - outrigger, stand up, surfski
-has been single longer than not but I'd rather be alone than to settle for anything less that perfect (for me)
-is an only child and enjoy my independence and space
-loves dusk as the world slows down in that transition from day to night
-dislikes Halloween and New Years
-thinks the sound of laughter is beautiful
-hates wearing shoes
-loves the water but can't really swim
-enjoys playing, revisiting youthful days
-has a strong affection for my bed and lazy mornings spent in it
-loves a good thunderstorm sitting by a fire
-can't pass a used bookstore without going inside and admiring the contents within
April 13, 2012
The past 3.5 hours have been spent on a patio, shapeless conversation, smiles and laughter and red wine. I'm left now thinking of you - of the numbered days. Of a want, a need to call you, to see you. Just be in the same space. But I can't, I know that. I know that it only pushes you away, that things need to be on your time, your control. And so I'll wait. Silent. And I'll hope that you will reach out, want to spend time with me too before you leave again. Before the space of months loom before us. You've promised me once. Dinner. But I still hope for more than that. I'll never tell you though.
*******
I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary. I don't mind it though. And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city. I get it. Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me. But I can't give you up, don't want to. And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance. Now if only you could see that.
*******
I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary. I don't mind it though. And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city. I get it. Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me. But I can't give you up, don't want to. And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance. Now if only you could see that.
12 April 2012
Thankful Things Thursday...
-Getting mail - real mail, not junk mail or bill mail but actually letters from friends. It was the best card from my best friend... it was also shocking to realize that I've known her close to 17 years!
-Coffee. Can this have a permanent spot on this list. It truly makes me happy every single day. And the guys in the coffee shop across the street have taken to having it ready for me pretty much as I walk in the door. Happy!
-Rocking unassisted pull-ups and toes to bar. I'm happy with the progress I've made over the last few months. I'm also excited to have finally gotten my first full depth unassisted dip.
-Knowing when to step back a bit. I'm taking another 4 days off from crossfit for a number of reasons but I like the fact that I'm in tune with my body and mind to know when I need this and to not feel guilty for doing it.
-Massages. Going in a few hours for a well earned and much needed massage. Not only will I be resting my body but I'll be caring for it too.
-Being happy. Just this. It sounds so simplistic and trite but I'm truly happy with who I am and where I am at. I say this having come from such a long period of my life where I was more often than not unhappy. I'm not by any means saying things are perfect (hello silly boy) but I find that I can deal with unexpected situations or things that don't go my way with some grace and understanding better than I could and I can accept that ultimately it will all work out just as it needs to (it got me this far so it has to be true).
-Coffee. Can this have a permanent spot on this list. It truly makes me happy every single day. And the guys in the coffee shop across the street have taken to having it ready for me pretty much as I walk in the door. Happy!
-Rocking unassisted pull-ups and toes to bar. I'm happy with the progress I've made over the last few months. I'm also excited to have finally gotten my first full depth unassisted dip.
-Knowing when to step back a bit. I'm taking another 4 days off from crossfit for a number of reasons but I like the fact that I'm in tune with my body and mind to know when I need this and to not feel guilty for doing it.
-Massages. Going in a few hours for a well earned and much needed massage. Not only will I be resting my body but I'll be caring for it too.
-Being happy. Just this. It sounds so simplistic and trite but I'm truly happy with who I am and where I am at. I say this having come from such a long period of my life where I was more often than not unhappy. I'm not by any means saying things are perfect (hello silly boy) but I find that I can deal with unexpected situations or things that don't go my way with some grace and understanding better than I could and I can accept that ultimately it will all work out just as it needs to (it got me this far so it has to be true).
30 March 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)