I thought of you today when I heard the news...
Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...
I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part. The unknown, the unknowing. But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey. I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.
I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now. But know that you're in my thoughts, every day. I smile when I remember something silly. I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days. I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with. Your last words though, they echo through my mind. It will be okay. I trust that. It will be okay.
03 July 2012
31 May 2012
Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me
but at least respect me enough to say so. I get that you're a professed
'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you
do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it
so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be
fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't
understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so
I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave
you alone say so, it's not really that complicated. It's all on you...
24 May 2012
Thankful(?) Things Thursday
So thursday's are supposed to be for thankful things so lets see what we can do about it after this revelation...
-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that. It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...
-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim
So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?
-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that. It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...
-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim
So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?
21 May 2012
May 21, 2012
You're still here and already I miss you. Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be. I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to. You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world. I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this. If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that. But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears. I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss. A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this. I can't ask anymore. We both know now that it's completely up to you. Everything is up to you.
One
May 20, 2012
I promise to never cry when you leave. Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'. I will never cry - at least not in your presence.
Over the past week the tears have come. Unexpectedly. Unrelentingly. They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least. And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach. A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.
The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe. No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already. For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me. They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much. I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people. Together. But this time it's harder...
All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief. But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months. Months. A year. I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable. It's daunting. And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect. I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters. These letters to you.
I promise to never cry when you leave. Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'. I will never cry - at least not in your presence.
Over the past week the tears have come. Unexpectedly. Unrelentingly. They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least. And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach. A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.
The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe. No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already. For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me. They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much. I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people. Together. But this time it's harder...
All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief. But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months. Months. A year. I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable. It's daunting. And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect. I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters. These letters to you.
23 April 2012
Weekly Reflection
It's been a pretty stellar week though I'm lacking time to fully update it so here are the main points in no particular order:
-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome... Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable. https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.
-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out
It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends. Nothing could be better. Here's to another great week!
-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome... Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable. https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.
-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out
It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends. Nothing could be better. Here's to another great week!
19 April 2012
Thankful Things Thursday
-New clothes - I dislike shopping but when everything is too big it's a requirement - new dress - size XS? Yup, I'll take it.
-The cute little lady at the market - every single weekend for as long as I can remember - she's been giving me an extra mango - secretly, it's always hushed when she says "you can have one more" and it always makes me smile. Sadly mango season has come to an end.
-Knowing and believing in my heart that we only get one (finite) life on this planet and there's no use spending it any other way than happy... you define your happiness - it will change, perhaps daily but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting to let go of what I think the future should look like and replace it what today should be like because today is what matters most... every day.
-Olympic Lifting sessions and getting stronger. Most days, no matter how good or bad they've been are always made better by a good crossfit session and I'm loving learning technique to get even better still.
-Last minute weekend WODs with good friends. Handstand pushups and handstand walks. Being able to do pullups in the park and not needing a band. Love. Winner buys coffee is the best and only rule.
-Coffee
-Learning to let go - of people specifically... even ones you care deeply about because sometimes it's the only option, I know I can't control anyone but myself and how I choose to feel/be. It doesn't mean the caring stops though.
-New shoes, and obnoxiously bright pink shoelaces for those shoes.
-Travel plans... they're still indefinite (flights are expensive!) but they're forming and that makes me really excitedly happy.
-I am extremely thankful for electricity. After 15 hours without it last weekend I was overjoyed when the power company finally came and fixed the line. It's amazing how creepy a place can seem just knowing you can't turn on a light versus normal every day darkness. Yes, power.
-The cute little lady at the market - every single weekend for as long as I can remember - she's been giving me an extra mango - secretly, it's always hushed when she says "you can have one more" and it always makes me smile. Sadly mango season has come to an end.
-Knowing and believing in my heart that we only get one (finite) life on this planet and there's no use spending it any other way than happy... you define your happiness - it will change, perhaps daily but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm starting to let go of what I think the future should look like and replace it what today should be like because today is what matters most... every day.
-Olympic Lifting sessions and getting stronger. Most days, no matter how good or bad they've been are always made better by a good crossfit session and I'm loving learning technique to get even better still.
-Last minute weekend WODs with good friends. Handstand pushups and handstand walks. Being able to do pullups in the park and not needing a band. Love. Winner buys coffee is the best and only rule.
-Coffee
-Learning to let go - of people specifically... even ones you care deeply about because sometimes it's the only option, I know I can't control anyone but myself and how I choose to feel/be. It doesn't mean the caring stops though.
-New shoes, and obnoxiously bright pink shoelaces for those shoes.
-Travel plans... they're still indefinite (flights are expensive!) but they're forming and that makes me really excitedly happy.
-I am extremely thankful for electricity. After 15 hours without it last weekend I was overjoyed when the power company finally came and fixed the line. It's amazing how creepy a place can seem just knowing you can't turn on a light versus normal every day darkness. Yes, power.
 |
| New Dress/ blurry photo |
13 April 2012
A reminder...
I'm the girl who:
-drives too fast down a tiny one way street but just can't help herself
-has terrible fears of not having an epic love and growing old alone
-doesn't have many friends but is loyal and faithful to the ones I have an once they're in my heart they are there forever no matter how much time or distance comes between us
-feels more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but looks pretty damn hot in a dress and a great pair of heels.
-goes along with societies norms but doesn't quite fit into them
-doesn't belong to cities but rather to the world and can't imagine ever having roots to just one place
-has three places that I call home, where I am now, Vancouver and wherever my parents live
-loves simplicity though I too often cause complications in my external world
-has no musical talent and yet can't live without the sound of it in my life
-loves love hip hop and classic rock yet will always crank up the radio to sing along to the sappy late 80's power ballads that shaped my formative years
-wishes on stars and eyelashes knowing that neither have the capacity to make my dreams come true
-loves domesticity and cooking and cottages and yet I sit at a desk 9-5 monday to friday and finding it both sometimes rewarding and often stifling
-understands how it's easy to give your body away when you don't care about the other though anything but easy when you do
-knows heartbreak and the void of people leaving but has learned through the years that it's not always about me though even when it is I learn and get stronger for the next time
-feels anything worth having is worth taking a bit of risk on
-realises that there are no guarantees in life but sometimes trust is enough with the right person.
-wants a marriage but doesn't think the wedding is necessary though in my mind I can picture the dress I'd love to wear
-is strong and composed but sometimes also completely lost inside and that we're all really the same in this regard
-yearns for love but often finds it hard to let myself *be* loved
-believes there is one other out there for her, that one person that you feel like you've known for years and you choose each other
-thinks that it's better to fight when things gets hard rather than walking away, giving up
-trusts that things worth having are sometimes complicated but ultimately worth it
-believes that sometimes you just have to jump and trust that another person is going to stick with you through the ups and downs and won't walk away even when so many people have walked away before
-is terrified of so many things and yet standing strong afraid to share these secrets
-is full of emotions and curiosity and wonder and my mind never stops trying to 'figure it all out' even though there are rarely any answers
-expects the best from anyone even as I'm constantly let down because of it
-often gets hurt when I open my heart but wouldn't have it any other way
-spent too much time hiding and pushing people away and I don't want to do it anymore
-doesn't want regrets and is willing to take the risks
-wants a person in her life to share moments with, the silliness and laughter, coming and going through time
-loves roadtrips, a fast car, the hwy, windows down and music turned up LOUD
-things that the best part of traveling is the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane
-enjoys paddling - outrigger, stand up, surfski
-has been single longer than not but I'd rather be alone than to settle for anything less that perfect (for me)
-is an only child and enjoy my independence and space
-loves dusk as the world slows down in that transition from day to night
-dislikes Halloween and New Years
-thinks the sound of laughter is beautiful
-hates wearing shoes
-loves the water but can't really swim
-enjoys playing, revisiting youthful days
-has a strong affection for my bed and lazy mornings spent in it
-loves a good thunderstorm sitting by a fire
-can't pass a used bookstore without going inside and admiring the contents within
-drives too fast down a tiny one way street but just can't help herself
-has terrible fears of not having an epic love and growing old alone
-doesn't have many friends but is loyal and faithful to the ones I have an once they're in my heart they are there forever no matter how much time or distance comes between us
-feels more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but looks pretty damn hot in a dress and a great pair of heels.
-goes along with societies norms but doesn't quite fit into them
-doesn't belong to cities but rather to the world and can't imagine ever having roots to just one place
-has three places that I call home, where I am now, Vancouver and wherever my parents live
-loves simplicity though I too often cause complications in my external world
-has no musical talent and yet can't live without the sound of it in my life
-loves love hip hop and classic rock yet will always crank up the radio to sing along to the sappy late 80's power ballads that shaped my formative years
-wishes on stars and eyelashes knowing that neither have the capacity to make my dreams come true
-loves domesticity and cooking and cottages and yet I sit at a desk 9-5 monday to friday and finding it both sometimes rewarding and often stifling
-understands how it's easy to give your body away when you don't care about the other though anything but easy when you do
-knows heartbreak and the void of people leaving but has learned through the years that it's not always about me though even when it is I learn and get stronger for the next time
-feels anything worth having is worth taking a bit of risk on
-realises that there are no guarantees in life but sometimes trust is enough with the right person.
-wants a marriage but doesn't think the wedding is necessary though in my mind I can picture the dress I'd love to wear
-is strong and composed but sometimes also completely lost inside and that we're all really the same in this regard
-yearns for love but often finds it hard to let myself *be* loved
-believes there is one other out there for her, that one person that you feel like you've known for years and you choose each other
-thinks that it's better to fight when things gets hard rather than walking away, giving up
-trusts that things worth having are sometimes complicated but ultimately worth it
-believes that sometimes you just have to jump and trust that another person is going to stick with you through the ups and downs and won't walk away even when so many people have walked away before
-is terrified of so many things and yet standing strong afraid to share these secrets
-is full of emotions and curiosity and wonder and my mind never stops trying to 'figure it all out' even though there are rarely any answers
-expects the best from anyone even as I'm constantly let down because of it
-often gets hurt when I open my heart but wouldn't have it any other way
-spent too much time hiding and pushing people away and I don't want to do it anymore
-doesn't want regrets and is willing to take the risks
-wants a person in her life to share moments with, the silliness and laughter, coming and going through time
-loves roadtrips, a fast car, the hwy, windows down and music turned up LOUD
-things that the best part of traveling is the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane
-enjoys paddling - outrigger, stand up, surfski
-has been single longer than not but I'd rather be alone than to settle for anything less that perfect (for me)
-is an only child and enjoy my independence and space
-loves dusk as the world slows down in that transition from day to night
-dislikes Halloween and New Years
-thinks the sound of laughter is beautiful
-hates wearing shoes
-loves the water but can't really swim
-enjoys playing, revisiting youthful days
-has a strong affection for my bed and lazy mornings spent in it
-loves a good thunderstorm sitting by a fire
-can't pass a used bookstore without going inside and admiring the contents within
April 13, 2012
The past 3.5 hours have been spent on a patio, shapeless conversation, smiles and laughter and red wine. I'm left now thinking of you - of the numbered days. Of a want, a need to call you, to see you. Just be in the same space. But I can't, I know that. I know that it only pushes you away, that things need to be on your time, your control. And so I'll wait. Silent. And I'll hope that you will reach out, want to spend time with me too before you leave again. Before the space of months loom before us. You've promised me once. Dinner. But I still hope for more than that. I'll never tell you though.
*******
I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary. I don't mind it though. And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city. I get it. Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me. But I can't give you up, don't want to. And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance. Now if only you could see that.
*******
I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary. I don't mind it though. And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city. I get it. Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me. But I can't give you up, don't want to. And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance. Now if only you could see that.
12 April 2012
Thankful Things Thursday...
-Getting mail - real mail, not junk mail or bill mail but actually letters from friends. It was the best card from my best friend... it was also shocking to realize that I've known her close to 17 years!
-Coffee. Can this have a permanent spot on this list. It truly makes me happy every single day. And the guys in the coffee shop across the street have taken to having it ready for me pretty much as I walk in the door. Happy!
-Rocking unassisted pull-ups and toes to bar. I'm happy with the progress I've made over the last few months. I'm also excited to have finally gotten my first full depth unassisted dip.
-Knowing when to step back a bit. I'm taking another 4 days off from crossfit for a number of reasons but I like the fact that I'm in tune with my body and mind to know when I need this and to not feel guilty for doing it.
-Massages. Going in a few hours for a well earned and much needed massage. Not only will I be resting my body but I'll be caring for it too.
-Being happy. Just this. It sounds so simplistic and trite but I'm truly happy with who I am and where I am at. I say this having come from such a long period of my life where I was more often than not unhappy. I'm not by any means saying things are perfect (hello silly boy) but I find that I can deal with unexpected situations or things that don't go my way with some grace and understanding better than I could and I can accept that ultimately it will all work out just as it needs to (it got me this far so it has to be true).
-Coffee. Can this have a permanent spot on this list. It truly makes me happy every single day. And the guys in the coffee shop across the street have taken to having it ready for me pretty much as I walk in the door. Happy!
-Rocking unassisted pull-ups and toes to bar. I'm happy with the progress I've made over the last few months. I'm also excited to have finally gotten my first full depth unassisted dip.
-Knowing when to step back a bit. I'm taking another 4 days off from crossfit for a number of reasons but I like the fact that I'm in tune with my body and mind to know when I need this and to not feel guilty for doing it.
-Massages. Going in a few hours for a well earned and much needed massage. Not only will I be resting my body but I'll be caring for it too.
-Being happy. Just this. It sounds so simplistic and trite but I'm truly happy with who I am and where I am at. I say this having come from such a long period of my life where I was more often than not unhappy. I'm not by any means saying things are perfect (hello silly boy) but I find that I can deal with unexpected situations or things that don't go my way with some grace and understanding better than I could and I can accept that ultimately it will all work out just as it needs to (it got me this far so it has to be true).
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