Dec 31... 2011 in memories...

2011 was a big year for me... really big... moving (literally) half way around the world by my self big... and it was awesome for so many reasons both before and after the move... to capture some of it...

-completed my first half marathon - 13.1km in 2:25ish which was right on pace with my goal (win!), also ran a 15km race and the 10km sun run (pretty good for someone who doesn't like to run)
-paddled all winter in the small boat series and got to spend lots of quality time with good friends
-went to new (Denver, Perth) and old (Toronto, Ottawa) places
-accepted a job in Australia in March, signed the contract in April and had my visa approved in May
-epic sleepover... 6 people stayed in my one bedroom apartment and it was one of the best nights I've had in forever especially as the evening started with good friends, lots of food, cake and coffee ice cream (Calvin you rock!)... I still blame the late night giggles on the ice cream...
-said goodbye to some really awesome friends over the two months I was unemployed and packing my 8 years of Vancouver life into a 5' x 8' trailer (my life fits in a trailer... crazy!)
-had an awesome roadtrip to Ottawa with my 11 year old buddy to see my dearest friend and it was amazing
-saw Wicked (again) twice!
-came thisclose to seeing the Canucks win the Stanley Cup but instead smelled the burning rubber from the riots
-fell in love with English Bay but cheated on it with the paddle wheeler... sadly left them both behind because...
-I MOVED TO AUSTRALIA
-found an charming little cottage to move into
-bought a surfski (and am still learning to paddle it)
-found crossfit which has in many ways changed my life
-met an awesome group of inspiring people who are all chasing their own dreams and encouraging me to chase mine
-did my first unassisted pull-up
-went on many disastrous dates and was about to give up when I met a good one who makes me better and is teaching me to be calm and patient
-let go of one of my oldest friends and the person who once knew me best (bye ft)
-had a summer birthday (odd)
-and a summer christmas (very odd)
-went to a tiny little island in the South Pacific (Rarotonga) to see good friends and paddled outrigger for the first time in 3 months reconfirming my love of the sport

But most importantly 2011 has been the year I've been content all on my own, not wanting or needing for anything more than I have - beautiful people who love and support me all around the world - I've learned that stuff doesn't matter as much as relationships and that people come and go and we must cherish every moment we have with them... that it's easy to brighten a persons day with an unexpected phone call or a postcard or just a note telling them you're thinking about them... that the world isn't such a big place after all even though the oceans are daunting... it was a year of trusting my instincts and taking chances and it's made me stronger and I've loved every minute... bring it 2012, I'm ready for you!

Dec 27... 2011, a reflection...

Things 2011 has taught me...

-you cannot predict where you will be one year from now - sometimes even your wildest dreams don't come close to guessing
-it's better to speak your mind than hold back out of fear - we need to risk our hearts to find what we truly deserve and
-that which scares us the most matters most
-sometimes you just need to ask for what you want - the worst you can hear is no but at least then you can move forward
-sometimes your friends are found in the least likely of places - the constants aren't those you'd expect and the ones who you'd never thought would do keep in touch
-it's okay to move on - to let go when something isn't working anymore - to friendships, to loved ones or anything else that no longer makes you happy
-you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held - you just have to let them go so they can come back on their own, in time
-and it's okay to walk away from something that on the surface 'seems' right if in your heart it isn't regardless of what other people think (this was partly a 2010 realization)
-and it's okay to be lonely or sad but only for moments - then you must see the good and keep moving forward
-you don't get to choose your family and it's okay to leave them behind - if they truly love you you'll get all their support and not their spite
-we only get one chance in this world so we have to make each day count, savour the experiences both good and bad - the connections - they'll come and go but each one shapes us into who we are
-the world is massive - but technology can keep us close (most times)
-our greatest gift is our love - that we give freely without expectation, it makes us stronger
-the ability to accept love does as well
-love comes in many forms
-sometimes plans change and people who care for you surprise you by changing their plans so you don't have to be alone on a morning that means so much (thank you R.)
-traditions can be kept, or made on your own
-there is no predicting or dressing for Perth weather - sun/rain, heat/wind... constant changes
-the more you want your phone to ring the less likely it will
-but surprise wake-up calls on Christmas morning can make all the difference (thanks Ash!)
-and even when things look good and strong they often end unexpectedly and so we should cherish every good moment we have and ignore what may happen in the end
-30C Christmases don't feel right
-nor does summer in December
-crossfit is addictive
-the only place I can tune out the world is on my surfski or during a hard WOD
-the view is different from the top of a hill or from half way around the world
-good friends will always be there/ you can always come back to them
-sometimes all it takes is a slight shift in perspective to make things good again
-places that hold memories will fade over time and new ones will take their place - we need to keep making more memories
-a hot shower or a cold beer are cures for many things
-sometimes our dreams for the future change and that's okay... we only get one life to lead and it's not a straight line
-you have to take chances, lay it on the line to truly feel alive
-you can't depend on others to make you happy - you have to learn to do that on your own and that in itself will bring out more happiness around you
-2011 was my year for finding happiness - perhaps contentedness is a better description but I'm strong, standing on my own and I'm ready to find someone to share this life with, together, independently
-guacamole and watermelon could both be their own food groups
-paddling is the same around the world - and paddlers are a special welcoming breed and I love them all for it

Dec 21... rambling reflections

Personal revelations... I suck at them.  Communication - my biggest downfall at least when it comes to anything that truly matters to me, with anyone that truly matters.  There are so many past examples in my life of people closest to me - those that should never leave  - leaving.  I started to believe I wasn't good enough.  I'm not going to dwell on those details - but needless to say, it shaped me into who I am - this fearful little girl who hides behind this outspoken exterior taking about anything and everything except what truly matters to me on the inside.  It's why I choose to write - my words are easier this way.  I can express that which I can't verbalize.  But sometimes, sometimes I can't even share those words, they get written in little black books waiting for the right time to come out but when is that right time?  Is there a right time?

The right time is clearly not upon seeing each other again for the first time in 6 weeks - when I'm still completely confused about what's going on - a kiss that threw it all up in the air.  Happiness I'm afraid to give in to out of fear that it's taken away - reserved.  I don't know what to make of it.  I believe in the goodness of it all, believe in all that you've shown me - know that it can - will - work out but upon your return I was shy and hesitant and I definitely held back.  I know this... realized it clearly while sitting right beside you - I just couldn't do it.  Couldn't tell you about the words I'd written through the distance, couldn't tell you my fears but oh did I want to. I still want to and so I wait for your call... our next encounter - I'm ready to be brave with you.

I want to tell you how I'm horrible, completely horrible at sharing, opening up, trusting.  Trusting another with my innermost thoughts - because what happens if it's too much, if I'm not enough?  That hurt - I've felt it before and it's unbearable - holding it together while others fall apart, hiding the breaking that's happening to yourself.  I built my walls long ago - they're solid.  If I don't let anyone in - if I push them away before they get too close - I can't be hurt.  That's how it works right?  But it's not enough for me anymore... I know this.  If I can never open up, if I wait too long I might miss out on something beautiful and I know that if I don't risk anything, don't share part of myself than it will all just remain the same - one of us needs to make a leap - you showed me glimpses - opened up to me that last night - briefly - and it's time for me to return that offering.  I need to tell you this.

I know my motivations, how I react.  How I've pushed people, ran away.  I think we're similar.  I haven't with you though, I don't want to push and I don't want to run - I'm not going anywhere.  I'm still here - unbroken - because we've been taking it slow...  but I want to share more.  I'm ready to open up - nothing earth shattering at all - just this revelation, for now - about how I suck at communicating - just a small little piece but I think it matters, a step.  It will also help me realize it's not so bad - and I'm willing - if you'll have patience with me as I stutter and struggle and try to half ass it - if you push me to just say it, sit quietly while I stumble - if you're beside me then I'm ready to do this.  I have to let my fears stop holding me back... I don't want to be that girl anymore.  I want to take chances and speak my words - out loud - to you.

Dec 19...

This is what happens when I can't sleep at 2am and resort to writing the jumble of thoughts in my head - facts mashed together with ridiculous rambling - eating cookies in bed.  It's a mess right now but I'm liking where it's going.   Also - I wish I knew if *you* read this...

It’s not about the grand gestures - it’s about the million different little things - silly jokes and paper hearts, bbq’s… a shared look - staring into the others eyes with a sense of calm recognition that there is nowhere else you’d rather be.  Together.  It’s equally about him remembering to ask about your parents as it is about forgetting where you keep the salt and pepper.  About reading the exhaustion that lines his face from the days spent apart and knowing that though hard on you both, the world looks different now to him - the city hasn’t changed - but he has, if only just a little.  It’s about letting go even when you want to hold on tight trusting with confidence that he’ll come back again when he can simply because he wants to - to share stories and kisses - with you.  It’s about finding the courage to ask for what you want - to wake up to his smile on Christmas morning - even though you fear the answer.  That hearing no doesn’t mean the world stops but rather that the two of you will still be okay, stronger.  It’s to believing that time and patience are the keys to any relationship even when he has more patience than you and you have more time than him but together you balance each other out, make the pieces fit.  It’s not about the separation or the unanswered texts but rather about living in the details everyday - of his scent left on your pillow, your book he’s eager to read, the dinners shared, a surprise plant.  It’s as much about the times spent apart as it is together - about this journey through life - each day a little more - hand in hand, an ocean apart - understanding that another person is on your side - ready to catch you when you fall, support you when you’re sad, hug you when you’re home and learning to love you without asking the questions, without saying the words - that the answers, if important, will all be revealed in time.  It’s about picking up right where things left off and accepting that decisions are not always your own - differences of opinion make you both better, compromise allows us to grow and sometimes things are beyond our control but trust - trust is essential, it's enough.   It’s about the smiles and silliness and cherishing the minutes, each and every one because though time is infinite our lives are not and while we are here it’s best we spend them living with all the passion we can sustain.  There’s no use waiting on the inflated bullshit but rather a need to cherish our health and strength, independence and laughter and the happiness we gain as partners - ravishing each other when we can, yearning when we must but also learning to love, truly love even in the face of heartbreak.  Full on.  Love is the boldest gesture of all.

Dec 18... words unsaid

The air is hazy right now with all the things left hanging, unspoken...

"I missed you"
"I'm glad you're back"
"I like you too"

Words floating in space - they're there between us... in nuanced sentences, in hesitant hugs.  They envelop the silence.

"I've been looking forward to this"
"Another hug please"
"You look good"

The words that get said instead - filtered.. each holding back just a tiny bit, uncertain.  Afraid of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.  Unknowing.  Shy.

And now I'm stuck here wishing I'd spoken aloud all the things I've been waiting to tell you, the things that I wrote to you while you were away - they drift all around me as I try to sleep.  Words that I *want* to share but don't know how to voice, the ones that call out in the darkness wishing you were here to hear them... words that instead hang between us as we figure out how to pick up where we left off... before repeating this all over again.

(I have no doubt we'll figure it out... that I'll voice my words... that we will learn to say things without holding back... in time, with patience...)

Day 113... sunday surfski session

Sunday was for surfski... for the first time in a long time... and I enjoyed it.  It took me a while to figure out where I wanted to go - where I wouldn't be afraid of the water, of the wind.  I ended up just in East Freo where my canoe club paddles from - both pros and cons to this location - there is a lot of shore to stick close to to temper my fear of falling in and being unable to remount but there is also a ton of boat traffic, more that I remembered though that makes sense given that now it is summer.

Often I would set myself up to handle the wake, heading straight down it or right into it but a few times I challenged myself by trying to ride it sideways a bit, figuring out where that point was.  I almost fell in once - that tipping point where it could go either way - boat on it's side on my left, paddle bracing right , leaning on it.  And after a precarious few seconds I was upright again, balanced.  Saved.  Dry.  It felt good to have that skill, practice from many days spent surfing my outrigger.  A tiny bit more confidence to add to the pile.

I felt really strong while paddling, core engaged, firm plant and pull, arms straight.  It comes from Crossfit, this strength and stability - I can feel the difference and I love it.  It's a lot more tiring though than outrigger - twice as many strokes... I was still a little tipsy at times though with the secondary stability in my boat I managed to stay upright playing around a bit with the boat wake at different angles, figuring out how to surf.  The one thing I love about the ski over the outrigger is the ability to quickly jump on waves (a few quick strokes and you're on), much more power than paddling only on one side. 

The bonus was that I wasn't afraid this time.  The last time I was out I remember how terrified I was of the water, of everything about it and it's taken me quite some time to get over it.  I think it stems from that one time I struggled in the wind and waves to remount... the fear.  This time it was gone - I still fought strongly against falling in but I wasn't immobilized, tense with the fear of it all.  Perhaps it was because it's warmer, or that there were so many people around, I was close to shore.  Any number of things but each one allowing me to gain a little bit more confidence in my abilities so that one day I don't even have to think about it, it's just a natural movement.

Day 112... things that I love

Things that I love... a list...

-a good book/ old books/ used bookstores
-campfires
-crisp fall air and the leaves changing colours
-flying someplace new (the smell of the air when you get off the plane)
-Christmas (the comfort, not the commercialisation)
-warm rain
-thunderstorms
-sunsets and dusk
-driving fast with the windows down and the music loud (roadtrips!)
-daisies
-board games
-naps
-hugs
-surprise visits
-laughing until you cry
-a good quote
-rollercoasters
-random texts
-saying how you feel
-sending postcards
-getting unexpected mail
-coffee
-music that brings back old memories
-jeans and a t-shirt
-flip-flops (or bare feet)
-the smell of a freshly mowed lawn
-sprinklers
-fruit trees
-piles of snow through the window
-making snow angels
-my gumboots
-hearts/ heart decorations
-character
-cabins in the woods or shacks on the beach
-star gazing...

what do you love?

Day 111...

I'm sitting by fairy light listening to Christmas tunes (my favorite) as the warmth envelops me (no need for fireplaces in summer)...  All that is missing is you - and perhaps some Santa approved milk and (fresh baked) cookies.  Hurry up and come back, I'm slowly starting to get impatient.

Day 110...

Awkward hugs... how to prevent them... don't get me wrong - I LOVE hugs... but only in the right setting, the right context.  Not as colleagues, coworkers.  That's crossing an undefined line but yet it's so hard to get out of, avoid - especially when you're one of the few women - shared experiences with the others - no resolution.  You can't react for fear of being *that* girl and so you just play along - force a smile and try to be just a little bit more prepared the next time.

Day 109...

Unexpected messages from those you knew in passing... so beautifully perfect.  Knowing that even through all the distance, distant.... people care to know what's going on - care enough to ask.  I cherish that, every single time.  It will never get old and will bring an even bigger smile to my face when I return back to that place, see the familiar faces and know, I still belong.

Day 108...

Censored... abbreviated...

Your birthday... bbq's, talking, never ending talking... words continuing until we can no longer keep our eyes open in the darkness... secrets and fears revealed... falling asleep...

Christmas morning... sun shining, coffee and waking smiles...silliness, laughter...  pancakes, music... the perfect christmas gift...

Day 107...

When I crawl into bed at night I can feel what it'd be like to have you beside me - sharing space so close - barely touching because of the heat though maintaining the connection somehow - fingers, toes.  Lulled to sleep by your calm breathing beside me.  I can picture myself waking in your strong arms - the ones I curled into when I got a little too cold during the night, the ones you wrapped tightly around me, instinctively, in slumber.  Slow soft kisses to bring us into the daylight - playful laughter, deep stretching hugs.  Coffee in bed, the patio.  I know how refreshed I'd feel after a night with you - no worries, no strange sounds - no monsters, you'd protect me.  We fit together - that I already know, I just have to be patient enough to wait on the rest.  I know it's coming, just like that hug.  I get you, get us and it's working.  Slowly.  Differently.

Day 106...

I promise I'm writing, hate that I have to justify it here but the words, sometimes they're private, just mine. Not meant for a forum such as this - and so they stay... inside my book, my brain.  Shared solely with those they are meant for and that's enough. That's all that really matters.

Day 105...

I look for you everywhere, hoping to spot you back in town but I know you're not, not yet - you still feel distant, no close by in the city...  But still, that doesn't stop me from looking at the stride of runner's, the form of guys doing pull-ups by the beach, searching for the faces of those that have similar haircuts from behind.  I want hours to stare and memorize your face for the next time you go away...

Day 104... December 1st... last one

December

Six months ago I started writing to you - these monthly notes... inspired by a late June drive across the prairies, darkness surrounding me - became a way to reach out to you one last time.  Last time.

It was on a different drive home tonight, summer once again warm upon my skin in the dark evening air that I realised it's time to stop - this one last time.  Last time.

The same song was playing in both moments- the one I sent to you that first month...  nevermind, I'll find someone like you - and I will, and I have - better even as he knows me now - the amazing women I've grown into - not hiding anymore, no longer running.  I think you'd like me now.  I've come a long way since you last truly knew who I was and I think that's what made me realise it's time to let go.  I'm such a different person - perhaps I'm finally the person that you saw all along but now - now I see it too.  Perhaps I'm the only one who does but that's the beauty of it all - it's all that matters.  Me.   I don't need your reflection anymore - haven't actually for a long time it's just taken me a while to let go.  I'm happy with who I have become, who I am.  I'm happy.

I wish nothing but the best for you... I truly hope you have found your happiness, have maybe even settled down and if you haven't yet please don't be jaded - don't let that overcome you - the you that I knew - the one I wasn't ready for... no regrets remember.  I think the last time I saw you I started to see it, the bitterness - overlooked it because of our history but you seemed disillusioned - I hope that's not the case - hope it was merely a moment in time - that you've moved on to bigger and better, found everything you could dream of.  Everything.  More.

And so this is goodbye - I have to let you go.  While I wish we could find a way back to friendship, in my heart I know our story ended long ago, never fully had a change to start - timing all wrong, growing up still to do.  It just took me this long to let go.  Hate letting go.  Still struggle with the thought of it all while the tears fill my eyes one last time.  You'll always be in my heart - for the amazing times we did have, the ones I remember most.  For the struggles - the things I wish I could go back and change, known better.  For the moments that passed us by too soon.  I remember it all, will always remember it all.  Don't forget me I beg.

****
You're gone and I miss you - who know Bryan Adams could be so profound - or perhaps that was merely you foreshadowing how it would all end...

Day 103

first day of Christmas music + first day of summer = very strange indeed

Day 102...

Today there are no words only sleepiness and soreness.  Quite and calm.  Goodnight.

Day 101...

another day...

work meetings
huge lunch
sluggish afternoon
WOD
yup, WOD on a belly full of indian
burpees
belly
a struggle but pushed through
accomplished

another day...

Day 100...

100 days.  100 days of posts, of writing, of randomness.  I'd like to say that I've found my voice but I don't feel like I have - I'm scattered.  All over the place, an endless supply of emotions.  I like to write but I like to write too people and lately I find I'm keeping the more personal stuff elsewhere, hidden.  To him.  And I know that's okay, that this is my little corner and I'm free to do with it what I please - selfish - yes, but also why I created this page - for me.  I love all of you that follow along, check in occasionally or are profoundly confused when you stumble upon me after random google searches but alas.  It's just how it goes.

I have no focus to this post, no wisdom to impart, nothing special even to say except that wow - 100 days.  What a milestone.

Day 99...

Back to old routines.  Comforting.  Coffee runs and trips to the market.  Sleeping late, reading.  Writing.  I love Sundays.

*****

I woke startled last night, tears streaming down my face and they weren't small sobs but body shaking sobs.  Uncontrollable, unexplained.  I can barely recall the dream which brought about such sadness but what shook me the most was that when I woke up, memories erased I still wept.  I couldn't stop and so I let it out - the bottled up emotion that came from some place I don't understand.  I let it loose and when it was over I dried my eyes and drifted back into slumber once again.

Day 98...

I got home last night and today saw all my new Perth friends at the box... it was however slightly strange.  I'd only been gone a week.  One week exactly and yet it felt like much longer, months. 

When I returned from Ireland it was much the same, I attributed it then to the time I'd been gone - it was months... but now? Now I realize that it's not the days that pass but rather the changes I face, the faces I see, the culture, the perspective.  It changes me - a little of me left behind, a little of there carried with me.

The days don't matter, it's the experiences and I feel I've lived a lot in this past week.

Day 98...

It's funny how the concept of time disappears in airport lounges - travelers between destinations, journeys starting, ending... business and leisure.  Breakfast and beer, coffee and cocktails.  The world is dimensionless inside airport lounges, anything goes.

*****

I spent today in Brisbane wandering around the city aimlessly in the sunshine and humidity.  It's strange sometimes - the more I travel the more some places seem to be the same.  Brisbane - quite like Perth in places - perhaps I barely scratched the surface of Brisbane downtown, perhaps I don't know Perth city quite well enough - but to me, similarities.  And then, in another part of the city - Brisbane resembled Ottawa, a bit of back home.  Perhaps it's solely my perspective but wherever I go I'm reminded of all the other places I've been and I like that... new adventures, old memories.

Day 97...

November 24, 2011 did not exist.

Time is a funny thing.  Funnier still when you live so close to the date line.  Time.  Travel.  Time travel. 

Yes, today did not exist.

Day 96... thanks, racing thanks...

Today was a day for unexpected races.  For showing up, paddle in hand, gear all sorted, food ready to go.  It was for just going with the flow of events and finding a crew last minute.  Adapting.  A very young master, lots of thanks.

Thanks for paddling, for picking me.  And mostly, thanks for my abilities.  For the years spent with False Creek and the insanity of it all... of the practicing, procedures - drilled into us year after year.  The way.  The only way.  One ziploc.  Consistency.  It is because of this that I can adapt.  That I can jump in and be okay - better than okay.  I can hold my own because of the past, because of False Creek.  The experience, the paddlers, the knowledge.  So thank you - thanks to my Australian crew for race day and to my False Creek crews that got me there.

Day 95... dreams

Last night I dreamed of you...  I couldn't sense the line between what was real and what was not and it left me unsettled.  A bit of unrest, uneasiness.  But that will change soon.

Day 94...

Today was a challenge.  The hardest race I have ever steered.  Not the biggest water, not even close but the most challenging, unrelenting, never ending. 

And I did it twice.

The ocean is a beast.  She constantly exerts her force on us at will, we are just mere creatures floating on the surface - some days just hoping to make it safely back to land.  I love her power, have felt it only rarely - the insistent pounding.  Tossed so effortlessly across the spines of her swells.  The pure focus required to maneuver our tiny canoe along the surface, upright.  Steady.  I survived her today - the ocean - worked with her to cover the distance.  Harnessed her power as best that I could and most importantly I didn't fight her.  I was calm in her presence as she her exerted her full force upon us.

Day 93...

I am changing.  The person I am so different from a year ago.  The traveler I am so different.  I've been to many places, many time zones, hotels.  I'm a proficient traveler, have been since I started flying alone at a young age between relatives.  I like my adaptability, my flexibility, my survival instincts.  But even with all this history I'm different now and I've only come to this conclusion on my recent adventure.

Whereas once I'd faithfully take my running shoes with me they'd often never leave my bag - the knowledge that I'd just packed them seemingly enough.  And now? Now I search for that spot that is suitable for a WOD - find only one that requires a brief run to get to and I don't hesitate, find precious enough minutes to fit it in, in the height of unyielding midday heat... no excuses, no distractions just movement.  Forward... one step, another.  Brief respite as I reach the field then back at it.  Burpee... one, two... ten.  Breathing hard... twenty, thirty.  Seconds ticking by, still so many reps left...  fourty, fourty-five.  Fifty - half way, finally.  Keep moving, one more rep, one more.  Sixty, seventy.  Cursing Jack. Eighty, almost there.  Ninety, just ten to go.  Finally, as sweat drips from every pore, finished - 100 reps as promised.  Satisfaction.  A quick breather then I'm off, back to where I started.  Running - no excuse to walk - keep moving, it's not yet done.

And in these steps, these burning breaths.  It hits me.  I'm different now.  I yearn for these challenges, these finite goals, satisfying.  The shoes no longer hide in my luggage, they are left strewn and sweaty... and accompanied by my skipping rope.

Day 92...

Brief updates from the middle of the pacific...

Today I am thankful for iced coffee surprises - full on coffee goodness topped with a delicious little ice cream surprise.

Today I am respectful of the oceans power - of those who know their limits and admit them full on - the bravery that it takes to stand back and say it's too much - too much power, too much wildness, too much.  Too much.

Today I am happy - to getting to frolick in the sunshine away from any technological restraints or clocks or plans.  I just am.  Being.  Happy.

Today I am...

Day 91 - unexpected plans and cloudy closeness

I’m thankful today for being able to adapt to changing plans.  My flight last night was cancelled (delayed?) as I sat at the airport ready to board.  In the past I was a person who would get quite aggravated at this – would blame innocent people for things beyond their control and I was really happy to realize on the long dark drive home that I’m no longer that very unhappy girl.  Instead of expending energy getting mad I instead used that energy for fun – got an extra unplanned WOD in at the box at 9:30am (the most relaxed time of the day) and followed that up with a fun breakfast with awesome company (thanks Angie)…  it was a blast and felt like a ‘free’ day.  I managed to eventually get to Rarotonga a day later and it didn’t even matter.  I didn’t miss much there and I gained so much more here including that ‘did not depart’ stamp in my passport that makes for another outstanding adventure story.

****

I stare out at the puffy clouds and want to jump into their softness.  Feel a connection to you a world away – somewhere.  I don’t know exactly the distance but at this height it doesn’t seem so far.  Just a sunset away.  In this moment, staring out into the fading sunlight I feel close to you – closer than I have in some time and I cherish it as I drift to sleep with a  smile on my face.

Day 90...

Leaving on a jet plane...  it's been a while since I've had an adventure (beyond moving half way around the world) and this one was completely last minute and barely planned beyond booking a ticket and I like it this way.  Endless opportunities and beautiful people awaiting my arrival in a remote island in the middle of the Pacific.  I'm in the last hour of work finally - it's been the craziest of days - and the excitement is settling in - replacing the adrenaline that has been my non-stop day.  I can't wait to get on that plane - to breathe in the air on the other end - so different than anywhere else - a smile on my face and a week to relax. 

See you in a week!

(note, I will still be continuing my daily writing while there but likely won't post it until my return as I'm going without a computer - yay! - and internet/ wifi is apparently extremely expensive as is everything else!)

Day 89...

A journey.  I'm getting ready for another adventure but it feels so different this time - so relaxed, so simplistic.  Just me and a ticket.  Bag still to be packed but I'm carefree.  Warmth.  It's different this time - there are few plans on the other side - many unknowns and yet all I can feel is peace.  Bright blue waters, blindingly yellow sun - this is what awaits me and I'm ready.  Writing beneath a palm tree, feeling, remembering.  Hair blowing in a cooling breeze.  Toes dusty from warm sand, workouts preplanned but not feared - expected.  I'm ready to get away for this short time - rest, relaxation.  Rejuvenation through time spent with old friends.

Day 88...

There is something sublimely magical about someone else washing your hair - the relaxation, the peace.  It's perfect.

Day 87... missing you

I miss you.  I miss you and I think that’s okay because if I didn’t miss you it means it wouldn’t be worth it and it is.  You are.  This matters.  You matter.

This isn’t a deep seeded longing – there is no ache, no agony involved in the wait, just a wish you were here sentiment – impatience.  I can handle it though, tolerate it, knowing you’re coming back to me.  Soon enough.

Just come back to me.

Day 86...

Today there are aches, pains, bruises.  All signs of an amazing day - a tough day.  Physical.  Mental.  A day of accomplishments and success.  Support.  Communication.  It was a great day and the aches and pains and bruises are a happy reminder.

Day 85... affiliate cup recap...

Saturday was AWESOME!!!  It was my first time competing in a Crossfit competition and even though there was a ton of nervousness and it was an extremely long day I loved it. 

My team awesome team of four was  Adam, Ross, Lisa and myself.  We were in the beginner category along with two other Cooee teams (there were 13 teams in the beginner category

WOD #1

Barbell Run

2 40kg barbells for beginners

As a team complete a 1600m run carrying both weighted barbells below the shoulders – the team must cross the finish line together.  If a bar is placed on the ground there will be a 10 squat penalty to be completed once the run is finished.

11:22 (1^st overall)

We were in the first group to go and had a pretty decent strategy of stretcher carrying both barbells in pairs (guys and girls).  We started out with the boys carrying and took off faster than anyone else – it seemed most teams were walking – and immediately were in front on our own.  It was a steady pace and we communicated and worked well in our transitions.  Towards the end of the second lap however our grip strength was failing – it was becoming quite difficult to maintain the stretcher carry and we switched to one bar for the boys and one for the girls held on our bent arms – this worked because both people could still run forwards however Lisa and I were struggling – Ross took one barbell on his own and Adam took most of the other while Lisa and I helped as best we could on either end and we finished like this.  It was a good start to the day.

The other Cooee Beginner teams were 3^rd and 4^th – solid showing.

WOD #2

KB/ Burpee Broadjump

Male – 20kg KB, Female – 16kg KB

In pairs (male/female) – one pair works on KB swings – only one person working at a time while the other pair completes 40m (approx.) of burpee broadjumps (alternating guy/girl for the distance).  Once burpees are completed team sprints back and switches.  Each pair does both the swings and burpees twice.  Score is finish time minus number of KB swings (in seconds).

2:49 (6^th overall)

This was a pretty straightforward WOD and the burpees didn’t hurt too much because there was too much else to focus on (full partner extension, tagging partners hand, hands behind their feet, burpee, big jump, full extension, repeat) which also made the distance pass quicker.  The KB swings were Russian swings so elbows just had to be above shoulders – we typically only do American swings so it required focus to not swing too high (to get more reps completed).  Again our team had great communication on this one.

All Cooee Beginner teams were top 5 after these two WODS!

WOD #3

“Sam”

250 DU’s (or 750 SU’s) – whole team either does DU’s or SU’s

200 Wall-balls (8kg male/ 5kg female bottom line for both)

150 Deadlifts (70kg male/ 50kg female)

3km row

15 minute cut-off

To be completed as a team.  All reps of each exercise to be completed before moving on to the next exercise.  One person working at a time, one person must be on the rower at all times until 3km completed.

14:54 (3^rd overall)

This was a really fun WOD and worked to some of our strengths both with what we had been practicing at team training (switching out to complete a large number of reps) and also our skills from everyday training (DU’s).  It also had one of our major weaknesses – wall-balls.  We don’t have the proper equipment at the moment to do these at our box so we struggled here.  We were however one of only 18 (total 41 teams) to complete this WOD under 15 minutes. 

Adam jumped on the rower straight off as Ross, Lisa and I killed on the DU’s – I managed to string together 31 at one point, not quite my best but up there.  We were quickly onto the wall-balls but got several no-rep calls with either inability to get above the line or not getting enough depth on the squat.  It was a struggle but we made it through.  During this time Ross switched out with Adam on the rower followed by a short stint by both Lisa and I.  I didn’t get too far and although I could have done more I switched out when Adam came back because my feet weren’t really strapped in (little feet).  Adam was able to finish however while we were doing our deadlifts and then the 4 of us banged out the 150 seconds before the cut-off.  It was a lot of fun and non-stop.  Again, our communication really helped.

All Cooee beginner teams were in the top 5 meaning we all got into WOD #4 – the final WOD.

WOD #4

Squat Cleans/ Sprints

In pairs (males and females working together on difference bars).

7 minute AMRAP

Minutes 1,3,5 – max squat cleans per pair (40kg/20kg)

Minutes 2,4 – max sprints (approx. 40m)

One person in the pair working at a time for both squats and sprints.  1 point for every squat clean, 2 points for every sprint (there/back) – both partners had to be back on the mat before squat cleans could start again after sprinting.

(don’t know our final score)

Our team struggled with the squat cleans though it seemed were pretty much solid on the sprints.  Lisa and I did 61 squat cleans and 30 sprints (15 there and back) but it wasn’t enough for us to place in the top 3 – however – the other two Cooee teams represented – 2nd (Shonelle, Esther, Vinnie, Dozer) and 3rd (Vicki, Jeni, Oli, Dom) overall for the day.  A great showing for the box!

Our intermediate team also had a solid showing placing 6th (Angie, Kirsten, Jack and Pete) and just barely missing the final WOD.

Congrats to everyone from Cooee who competed. Big thanks to Tim who coached us all day and to Match who judged so that we as athletes didn’t have to (and it was agreed upon by all that he probably worked the hardest all day).  Also much appreciation to everyone else who came along to cheer us on – it was great to have that support.  Go green!

Day 84... we remember

Today we remember - all those that came before us, who fought so that we can live in the world that we do... we remember all those that continue to fight - who willingly devote their lives to keeping us safe from harm, who go to places that we can barely imagine to shelter us from things beyond our wildest imaginations... we remember and reflect on all that has been, all that is now and all that (sadly) is still to come.

Day 83... for me...

There are many posts that will probably not make sense to everyone reading here - it's just how it goes.  This writing is for me.  This writing is for those I write too - whether they know it or not.  These are my words.  My space to purge the insanity in my head - to make sense of the puzzles - to breathe. 

Often I am drawn back to old posts, old people and I'm surprised by the intensity of my thoughts, my feelings but I know in my heart is a was only a moment in time.  A place for me to expel the voices in my head in that second - sort it out.  And the words - the very highs and lows of it all - extremes which carry a speck of the truth for sure but the words expand on that in a provoking way - the ordinary so boring.

For those I write my words to - know that I will speak them to you aloud - the sounds echo the pure truth - that my writing is but a small piece of what you are to me - the true essence so much beyond this black and white.  The deeper intensity of it all is vague - needs vocalization not plain type.

Day 82...

I don't have much to say today... just cruising along... feeling the length of just a week... a week past, a week to come... many more after that.  Life is good in this in-between, bearable, a constant line... there are many thoughts inside my head depending on the hour, the minute, the space but they're just for you - not for here.  They will wait for the length of another week... past, present.

Day 81... rarotonga

I'm going to Rarotonga, Cook Islands... I booked my flight today.  And while it's ridiculous far - I get there half an hour before I actually leave here - and probably cost too much at the last minute... it's going to be worth it.  Great friends and a touch of home in the middle of the south pacific.  I can feel the sunshine on my skin, sand between my toes.  The soft tropical breeze, hammocks swinging in the wind and conversation.  Catching up.  Cheesecake.  I can't wait... I'm glad it's coming quickly - just 9 days til I leave...

Day 80...

There is something peaceful about running in the rain... it's quieter somehow, calming.  Comforting - a reminder of home only warmer.  Peaceful - until that big lash of wind comes at you from around a corner, pushing, enveloping.  In those moments the blinding rain becomes just too much.

Day 79... ch-ch-ch-changes...

I sit on my porch drinking coffee - the dregs so vile and yet still so tempting for that last swill of liquid - I am searching for the sun in the overcast sky - wondering where the heat is, the warmth.  I know it's coming - has shown me glimpses and I'm stuck - I want it but it's overpowering - so warm, sticky.  But this cool breeze, the one I'm going to cherish in a few weeks time, it's chilling right now, as I sit here and write.  Conflicted.  I listen to the sound of helicopters in the sky, wondering while Bowie sings through the speakers behind me...  Changes... my life this past year - full of changes.

I can barely remember the girl I was on my birthday last year - I can picture the evening fully - board games, great friends, family, cake...  I was still struggling then, about to initiate the changes - the ones that would get me to where I am now - to step fully into myself, so aware.  I would soon let go of something that seemingly looked so good on the surface, from a distance, by others.  A connection that just wasn't right - was never right except to those that looked on.  And while so many don't understand the ending, the reasons, I still can't explain, even after all this time - there are no words.  It just didn't feel right.  It wasn't right - for me.  And that was enough.

A few weeks later I was presented with an offer - an offer to move to Australia and it terrified me - it froze me for several months - never leaving my mind but seeming such a far fetched idea - half a world away.  But as the changes piled up so did the choices, the alternatives - I delayed it as much as I could but I eventually made the jump... and it feels great.  I'm here.  It fits. 

I often reflect - wonder how I got to where I am now - after all this time.  It definitely surprises me - if you'd asked me just one year ago where I'd be now I could have answered but I'd have been so wrong - my vision of the future then looked so different than it does now, present.  And I'm happy for that - I have lived fully this past year, grown, took chances, made choices - I have found happiness.  Happiness with others but more importantly within myself, a long time coming.  And so while I have dreams I don't struggle with the future so much - it's fluid, constantly changing by the decisions we make today - we can't foresee what it will bring and honestly - I don't want to... it's too much fun living right now.

Day 78...

I wrote to you today... I wrote about all the words I've said to you, the ones I haven't yet, the ones I still want to...  I wrote them but it might be a while before you see them, I'm not sure they're ready to be shared yet, not fully formed.  But they exist.  They exist in a place that isn't here - it's too public and those words, those words are personal - you and me.  Different.  I know that they will be shared in the near future with you - but not in writing, not in type but directly - conversing one on one like we do, what we're best at.  I will tell you all the thoughts that are sorting, forming, coming together in something that makes sense.  Words for you.  I wrote to you today...

Day 77... birthdays

Best birthday ever...

-in Australia for the first time
-late night phone calls with best friends
-cake at work and silly short jokes
-rain to make it feel like home
-warm enough to make me realize it wasn't
-great company
- tasty lamb dinner on the bbq
-lots of hugs
-and laughing
-conversations
-and connecting, really connecting
-good music
-more cake - 3 kinds....
-including cheesecake (for Lili)
-and coffee
-more hugs and goodbyes and future plans...
-perfect...

Here's to another great year...

Day 76... birthday cake

Today is a day for cake.  Lots and lots of cake.  Though I'll miss eating cheesecake with Lili and our soul searching conversations that come with that I will eat cake with new friends, in a new place, in the warm weather that is spring.  Though it's a different season, a different country I am still comforted in the fact that it has rained on my birthday - so typical of what I'm used to - but at least this time it comes with warmer temperatures.  Warmer temperatures... and cake.  Lots and lots of cake.

Day 75... bold chances

I want to live in the moment.  Right now, not the future.  I know that sounds simplistic, naive but it's suddenly this overwhelming urge.  Present.

There are things I want in life, goals, dreams, future 'plans' but I don't want them to define who I am today.  I don't want to be stuck waiting on the future - for everything to be aligned, perfect.

I want what makes me feel alive right now.  In this instant.  I believe everything is destined to be what it is meant to - we are presented with forks in the road - unexpectedly - and we get to make a choice, pick a path on this journey.  Experiences, people, adventures.  Decisions that define us, teach us, move us forward, take us where we're meant to go.  Every single step.

And I fully understand that choices I make today may some day cause me hurt, pain - but that isn't enough reason to hold back.  What-ifs and regrets won't make me happy, they'll temper my existence, moderated, mundane.  I want exceptional and amazing a true roller coaster of emotions - to live fully - pure passions contrasted with dark days.  I trust too that the good will by far outweigh the bad - the bad making the good so pure and magnificent in contrast.  Fully alive.

Every past choice has made us who we are today, every breath.  And now, now I yearn to take the bold chances - take them all - because they might turn into the perfectly formed future anyway.  And if not at least I'll have the memories, the smiles, the pure unfiltered living. To me, that is enough.

Day 74... November 1st...

November 1st, another month gone by.  Memories fading, new memories being made.  It's different this year, this month... the month where I normally feel your presence more, feel the past, feel the longing.  This year it's different.  The sun shines where the rain usually falls, the nights are spent in endless conversations with someone that's not you.  It's better, it's now.  Present, not past.  Future perhaps.  It makes me happy.

My thoughts of you are still there, you're still there - I can feel you through the distance but your silence is wearing on me, wearing me down.  I know I've promised to write at the beginning of every month and I will but I can't promise that my words won't change.  Tone.  I'm happy here, the sunshine reflects my mood - the rain is gone and you're slowly fading with it.

Day 73... pet dragons and drooling monsters

I took a chance and called you - a pleasant reward - you, home...  and while the walk never happened it was a perfect ending to a beautiful day.  Halloween.  I saw four children dressed up, trick or treating - the only sign that it was this haunted day.  A day that I loathe - another reason this city is perfect for me.  There are no pumpkins to be carved, no costumes to be made, no candy to hand out.  It's a quiet night.  It was a quiet night.  The sun an orb of bright orange as it slowly set.  A drive home illuminated by the brilliant moon radiating off the water.  Halloween only entering the evening through conversation - talk of riding pet dragons and drooling monsters under the bed.  Fantastic.  Beautiful.

Day 72...

I'm learning to just save my stories for the next time I see you even though I'm bursting when they happen to tell you right there and then... it doesn't work that way though but I get it.  I'm learning...

Day 71... Murph!

Yesterday I did Murph for the first time.  Twenty six of us in the small box, a chaotic dance around each other, with each other, solo.  Fluid movement from the bar to the ground - any small space you could find.  Chalk hand-prints lining the floor between drops of sweat.  Heavy breathing and pure focus - the seconds ticking by.  Spectators and cheers, torn skin, more tape.  Magical movements flowing up and down and across - out the door into the blinding sunshine for one last escape, one more step, one more...  the hard part left behind.  It was a beautiful morning with exceptional results.  We all accomplished what we set out to do - Murph was no match for any of us.  He was defeated.

Day 70...

Last night was simply perfect.  Simple and perfect.  Easy.  Seamless.  I wasn't sure what to expect before your arrival I just knew that I was excited to see you again...  had been excited since your call on Tuesday night asking if I'd like to have dinner with you... that you'd like to make dinner for me.  Spectacular.  Little did I realize at the time how much joy you'd find in that... in the prepping and cooking, even doing the dishes.  You were all smiles and it was heartwarming.  We chatted and chatted and laughed.  Never ending stories of the past and present.  And even in those moments of silence as we laid there staring at the ceiling it was perfect.  Uncomplicated connection.  Amazing hugs.

I don't know what this is or where it's going and I don't even really care.  We just are.  Making plans for the future and following through - coming and going through time.  And I feel like I know you - really know you - more than just the past month of knowing but years of knowing and it's odd and extraordinary and not anything I can wrap my head around.  But I don't have to and perhaps that's the beauty of it all.  Besides, we have plans to do it all again this week... what more could a gal ask for?

Day 69... anticipation

Anticipation... conversations, dinner, laughing, stories, bbq, cookies, catching up, hugs, smiles, music, silliness, connections, unknown...

Day 68... bitten...

seems the australian mosquitos love canadian blood... and they're stealthy little suckers too, i didn't see a single one but i have the welts all over my legs to prove they exist, to prove they like me...  i am unbelievably itchy and determined not to scratch - i'm slowly starting to lose that battle... ouch, ouch, ouch...  canadian mossies don't like me but it seems the australian ones really do...

Day 67... quiet peaceful running...

Today I ran... I ran far (for me) without stopping... I ran and I felt free and more importantly I ran without music... For the first time in a very long time I ran with nothing but the thoughts in my head, the wind rushing past my ears, the sound of my breath and my feet hitting the ground.  It was perfect.  After the initial rush of ideas and memories and questions my scattered brain gave way to my steps, easily choosing a right or a left moving effortlessly along a path that I'd only run one other time.  And the landmarks, this time they were different.  Perhaps it was because I was slower or maybe, it was because I was more aware but I saw things I'd never noticed before - a pool, a fire station.  And even though I clearly remembered the place I so desperately wanted to stop at last time, I knew I'd rock right past it today.  And I did.  Easily.  I had no urge to stop in the park, I just glided on by knowing I had it in me.  And perhaps it was because I was going slower today or maybe because you helped push me further the last time, showed me I could, encouraged me, distracted me, inspired me -  but this time - this time I needed to do it on my own, prove I could do it on my own.  Just me.  And I could.  And I did.  And it was absolutely awesome. 

Day 66... fear of success?

A ex-colleague once told me about how people are often more afraid of succeeding than failing though we don't often realize it.  We tend not to see it because we often look at the worst outcome figuring that is what will have the greatest impact on our lives, changing our lives.  But what about the opposite?  What happens when we succeed?  Things still change - they move forward - they are put in motion and we have to keep going.  Keep moving.  Failing is easier - it's stops the momentum, a road block, time to reassess. But success? That takes effort.

I submitted the article about Tim today to Crossfit HQ.  I like it, I do - for what it is.  I feel the passion behind my words, believe them but I still wonder -is it enough.  There were several weeks between draft 2 and draft 3.  I honestly didn't touch it, barely thought about it other than this looming deadline.  And you'll notice there isn't much of a change either.  Just an additional paragraph of Tim's thoughts on what the games mean to him but he sent me that weeks ago.  I've had those words sitting with me and still I was paralyzed.  I realized tonight that in my eyes that article will never be enough no matter how many hours I stare at it, no matter how many times I re-read it and adjust a word here or there.  Never enough.  So today - I sent it.  A few minor tweaks and it was out of my hands.  And it felt good.  Really good.  Action. 

And whether they choose me or not it's okay.  It's okay because I wrote about a friend, I put words onto paper to form a great piece about another person's journey - a goal I highlighted on this blog a while ago - I wrote another person's story (even if it was through my eyes and not his specifically - still something I struggle with).  Through this exercise I wrote - and I shared my writing in this space - with Tim specifically and he will always have that - that reminder of where he was at this moment in time - one day in his quest to compete at the games he might struggle and he can go back and see himself as he is today - the passion and excitement at this point in his journey and no one can take that away from him.  From him or me.  It exists.  And I think at the least, that is enough, I like that it is.

But maybe my words resonate further, maybe his story is only the first of many that I will get to tell over the coming 8 months, maybe.  And that's even scarier for me to grasp.  I fear it - and because I fear it I know just how much I want it.  How hard I'll work for it if they pick me.  How much passion is behind me on this quest - after all, it's the things we fear the most that matter to us the most.  And this time, I'm fearing that success.

Day 65...

Visitors to Western Australia - realize that cars have the right of way, not humans.  Accept it and live it.  Life will be so much simpler that way.  Like many things beyond our control - we need to let go, stop trying to change them - when you realize this, live this - then it all just becomes that much easier.  Simpler.  We get more out of this acceptance than trying to impose our will for change - we get something bigger than us.

Day 64... third (final?) draft

"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome, totally fucked, but awesome." ~Tim Marshall

Totally fucked but awesome.  A lifestyle, a community.  A place to get stronger, build confidence, be better.  The best you can be.  This is Crossfit.  This is my world.  That quote - the one that resonates in my head every workout, every day - is from my coach, my friend, my inspiration - Tim Marshall.

I was lucky to share breakfast by the ocean only a few weeks after arriving in Australia with Tim and a few others and we started talking about dreams of the future.  Bold and scary declarations of what we aspire to be.  Terrifying admissions but I could hear the conviction in Tim's words that morning - knew right then in my heart that he would achieve his goal - he would compete at the Crossfit Games - and I won't underestimate him either - he might someday even win.  I believe in him - believe he truly has the desire, the drive, the confidence to get there, to give it his all.  To be one of the elite.  To be amongst his idols, competing against them.  He quotes times and placings of the likes of Blair Morrison and Ben Smith.  He lives and breathes the games literally from half a world away, watches it all happen in a place he has never even visited.  California dreaming.  He represents all that Crossfit is at just 19 years old.  This kid is going places.

In November 2010 Tim started his Crossfit journey, in January became a coach, a mentor to others.  To me.  He competed in the open in 2011, placed second in the intermediate division of the Primal Throwdown - all of this within six months of beginning this lifestyle.  He is driven, motivated, the definition of passion.

Tim once had dreams of becoming a professional ice hockey player, and it all changed one fateful day when a friend invited him over to 'strength train' on his rings, introduced him to the mainsite and a few WODs later he was hooked.  His journey started then and there.  He eagerly writes his own WODs on the train to university and Karen, Elizabeth and Murph - back to back to back - merely training for the Primal Pairs with his twin brother.  He embodies everything Crossfit.  There is a sparkle, a little magic in his eyes that I see every time he works out - gets better.  And when he struggles, that's when the best of him shines through - the determination, the courage, the commitment to get better.  The passion.

To Tim, the Crossfit Games represent the ultimate test of oneself, of seeing what he as a single human being is made of.  Months and months of dedication, hard work, focus and in the end - he wonders how he will measure up against the very best in the world, against his peers who want it just as bad - who also live, eat and breath Crossfit.

A journey, an adventure in this Crossfit world, Tim is living it every day - his biggest fear is of not measuring up - of not being good enough, the self-doubt drives him to get better every day.  I know however, knew from the moment that he said his dream out loud that beautiful morning over breakfast - that he will get there.  He will be there amongst his idols competing at the Crossfit Games.  Look out world, Tim Marshall is coming.

Day 63...

Today I just need a really, really, really big hug.  A ginormous hug... huge. 

There are more words but they're not here - today they're private... at least for today.  Maybe I'll share them later when they're fully formed. Maybe.

Day 62... timing is everything (part 2)

(yesterdays post took a tangent I wasn't expecting but it was what came... the timing is everything quote came from another place, other thoughts that have been stuck in my head... this time part 2)

An old friend once told me that 'timing is everything' as we all know but thinking about it lately it's ringing much more true for me...  I don't know how to fully explain why - I think it's just where I'm at now, what I want - the contradictions.

There are so many things in my life I look back on and wonder 'what if' - not in a regretful way at all but choices, decisions, fears.  What if it had been different.  What would it have looked like.  What would my life have looked like?

It's funny having these thoughts, here and now - I mean - I'm right where I'm supposed to be, I know this.  I believe this.  I'm happy and confident and I love my life.  I just wonder if I'd been this aware, this happy in my younger days how would it have looked?  How would my life have looked?  How different, how settled. 

I think what's spurning these thoughts the most are the people I'm meeting - at this place and time.  Specific people.  What if - what if I'd met them sooner? Later?  How would it all be different - how would we both be different?  Is this the right time, now - only now?   Is this a temporary, fleeting thing?  I hope that it's not.  I hope, believe that it's not.  Can't be.  But I also am fully aware of our differences, our wants, our dreams.  So I cherish now and all there is, now.  In pieces.

Any other point in time would have huge implications, complications - our paths might have never crossed - we might never have shared our stories like we do now.  We'd have been two completely different people in our growth, our experiences.  So I guess I do believe - timing is everything.  And I'm happy I've met you - now.  Here and now.

Day 61... timing is everything

An old friend once told me that 'timing is everything' as we all know but thinking about it lately it's ringing much more true for me...  I don't know how to fully explain why - I think it's just where I'm at now, what I want - the contradictions.

I remember back when I'd first graduated - there were opportunities aplenty then to come to Perth - it was an option but one I easily dismissed - the other side of the world just too far away - but now.  Now I'm here and I love it.  But it's not everything - in the future I see myself so many other places as well - no roots, just connections - to people, to places.

I've realized too that I never would have made it here back then - close to 10 years ago - I wouldn't have lasted, wasn't strong enough, wasn't ready to stand on my own.  But the transition was easy for me now, at this time.  I can't explain it - can't find the words to get anyone else to understand - at least those who have never done it - those that have never jumped with both feet, left everything behind to jump - solo.  Chasing dreams full on.  I guess that's just it - I have dreams now - ones for me - and only me.

And if one day, somehow, the pieces fall together and I find that person, my soul connection to do this with me - to live this life together - it'd be magical.  A worldly adventure into the unknown, always moving, never searching.  Experiencing.  But I'm not waiting for that any more.  I'm okay to do it on my own.  Have proven it to myself.  I will do it all, everything I can dream of - it will all come true, I just have to live it.

Day 60...

I like that we are: sunshine, smiles, silly, serious, slow, saturday, sunday, summer, similar, safe, silly, smiles, sunshine.

Day 59... magic

Day 59...  every day since I started this.  Words.  Simplicity the common theme in everything.  Connections.  Cryptic, random.  I like this space though at times I don't give enough to my words.  Don't sit with them, don't let them linger long enough inside my head.  I have other memories there now, floating and I'm content.  The words will come in detail when they need to - happy, filled.  But for now, little snippets of every day.  Of sunshine and sparkle.  Mischief and magic.  My space.

Day 58... going to melt

I am going to melt here.  I have no doubt about this.  Sitting at lunch in the shade, sweating.  Driving along the ocean, liquifying.  My car temperature said 39 though it was actually only recorded at 37...  only.  I need slow acclimatization, slow progression...  need shade.

Day 57... perfect saturday morning

'Today was really fun.' It was spectacular and sunshiney.  It was energizing and caffeinated.  Reaching further, going farther.  Embracing my inner child, seeing excited eyes shining in my direction.  BBQ's and Christmas, future plans, only now.  Biscuits and random.  Moths and maps.  Ramshackle. A perfect saturday morning. 

I can't capture it in words, not right now.  I don't want to - I want to let it simmer in my head, reminiscing about the randomness of it all.  Let it just be mine.  Mine.  And yours.

Day 56... a thank you...

Shane,

I adore you and truly thank you.  I thank you for being a constant in my life, for being there through the distance, sharing the stories, the memories that I'm no longer a part of from this distance.  You keep me grounded, rooted to my home.

You encouraged me to jump when I was still unsure of leaving and you shared epic conversations over beer just because.  I cherish those last few months between us - friendship blossoming - we had many fun times.  Mexican and games.  Gnarly waves.  Banana bread.  Road trips and camping.

I remember the night sitting on the floor of my nearly empty apartment, sharing cheesecake and beer - simplicity.  Good friends, laughter.  And so many breakfasts, short texts - cars parked on my street.  Hours spent talking over coffee about nothing, everything.  Easy.

You were there too every time I needed help - always ready, with tools and advice.  Suggestions and strength.  You removed doors and disassembled beds and when I offered you up for a lift to the airport you didn't even hesitate to carry the heaviest of my bags down the stairs.  The greatest of good-bye bear hugs through the tears.  You are truly an amazing friend. I still miss you.

And so it is through this distance that I grow to appreciate you even more.  Know that we will polish off that bottle of wine one day catching up on all our adventures in another moment of time.  And though I can't remember the details of the supporting words you once gave me I can still remember the sentiment - you'll always be there - the distance doesn't matter.  You've helped me believe it too - through every message,  every story, every smile you've managed to bring to my face through your late night words.  The unaltered connection that we have through the distance.  I appreciate all of it - am grateful.  Thank you my friend.

Day 55... coffee and familiarity

I like that the guy at the coffee shop knows my name - greets me with it every time I go in, as he cheerfully makes my coffee.  His name is Joel.   I appreciate the familiarity - of feeling settled, belonging.  It's a little reminder of the diner I left behind, of Harrison and grandma, of the friends that surrounded the table on so many days - endless pots of coffee, endless conversations.  Memories.  It's a reminder of what I'll never forget.

Day 54... mental toughness

Sometimes it’s just mental.  Motivation over struggle, determination over pain.  This is what I learned tonight.  I knew my shoulders were going to burn, could tell just by looking at the board – overhead weighted situps, 200m weighted overhead walk – back to back – three times each?  Crazy.   My muscles were crying before it even started but I was focused.  Less than 10 minutes, that’s all it’d be.  10 minutes of time – penalties for putting the weight down – I wouldn’t have it.  The burn started on the first set – out the door to start the walk – trying to find a comfortable position holding the plate overhead – 5kg – walk faster, no running – each step one more closer to being finished, to dropping the weight.  To the fence, turn around – half way there – Dom close on my heels – keep in front.  Kirst was waiting as we got back to the door – did you put it down she asked – no way!  And the determination set in a little bit more.  I didn’t and I won’t. 

Round 2 – I realized I was counting my steps – for no reason – one, two, twenty, thirty, one hundred – still going.  Turnaround.  Starting over – one, two…  Slight movements in my arms – a little bit farther back, slightly bent, locked.  Small adjustments to ease the pain.  Mental.  Fighting through the ache – the tension.  Back to the box, success.

Round 3 – More counting – more focus.  Concrete.  Cars.  With each breath I wanted to drop the plate but I didn’t want to lose time, didn’t want to stop moving forward.  Everything within me wanted that final round to be unbroken, every fibre of every muscle screaming, but just a few more steps, everyone closer to the end.  Think positive – think proud.  Resolved.

I made it through all three rounds – 600m of intensity, throbbing shoulders, stronger shoulders.  And it wasn’t the weight that made them stronger tonight, it was my mind.  Resolute, unwavering.  Mental strength.  Sometimes it is just mental.

*I find there are two ways to look at a situation - from either a positive or a negative viewpoint.  If you look at things from a negative viewpoint you're already giving up.  You've already set yourself up for failure.  If you focus on the positive - on seeking a new, different way of approaching things you can battle through it - your mind can win out.  If you tell yourself you're going to do something you will.  You can tell yourself you're going to succeed or you can tell yourself you're going to fail.  What are you going to tell yourself today?

Day 53...

Today has been a quiet day - a day filled with passionfruit and laughter, crude jokes and chopsticks.  Long lunches in the sunshine, sleepy afternoons.  Today has been quiet - I appreciate that.

Day 52...

I wrote the words... let them loose knowing full well you'll see them - I'll point you right to them.  I don't know how you'll react but I feel better just knowing they're out there.  If they make you run off then you're not meant to be part of my life - it's just that simple.  Why constrain who I am to make someone else feel better.  I just can't do it, won't.  No censorship, just me.  Only me.  I have faith - believe that you're not like the others - understand the situation just as I do - better than I do.  Enjoy our time together - simple moments.  Reading nothing more than the words on the page for what they are, conversations unspoken.

I've learned through moving half way around the world that people are all that we have in our lives - the material things come and go - fences rebuilt, houses sold - but people - they are a reflection of ourselves in whatever form they come in.  The ones that are our roots, always there to bring us back, remind us who we are.  The ones in the here and now - just this moment - a brief connection to teach us something in this space in time.  Then there are the constants which are much harder to come by - we've become such an insular society, absorbed in ourselves but we can't always do it alone - and so we search for the pieces - the people who will be constant.   Connected.  Cherished.

I want you in my life in some form and feel that it will happen - that it's already happening.  I am happy that I met you. 

(I didn't mean for this post to be about you but after yesterday - I felt the need for a clarification - a qualifier.  Definitely a qualifier knowing I will spend the week wondering what you think of my writing - the silence is a struggle - the openness from this distance - terrifying)

Day 51... indefinite connections...

I struggle to write this to you knowing that I'm close to sharing this space.  You'll read it.  I'm not afraid of my words in all their honesty, I'm just scared of your reaction.  I don't know you well enough to know what it might be - I have an idea but it's yet to be confirmed and I don't want you to run off when I'm just getting to know you.

It's funny, I'm calm with you - where normally I'd push, struggle, grasp.  You're different - I think that's it.  With the others I knew there was nothing there even through all the bullshit - when there is nothing, there's really nothing to lose.  And I knew.  And so I pushed.  Pushed so that it'd be done with, moving on rather than playing games.  I hate games.

With you - it's simple.  Easy.  Easy and yet so damn complicated if that makes any sense at all.  Happy.  I find myself having an illogical crush on you but I can't deny it - don't want to.  Connections in this world are so rare and so we must make the most of those that come along no matter how indefinite.  Intertwined.  I'm learning to live in the present fully and completely - I'm getting that from you.  There's no use looking beyond each moment - there aren't that many more to come, aren't that many already.  No expectations.

I'm a better me with you though - open, unafraid.  I easily share my stories - brief hesitation, dive right in - words I've rarely admitted out loud come spewing forth without fear - I don't know why or how, it just happens and I'm thankful for that.   And your words echo mine for which I'm grateful.  No judgment, just us.  Just being.  I want to sit with you forever and spill my insides, share all my words, hear all of yours but there isn't enough time - we fill all the spaces easily and there just always seems to be more.  You, me.  I cherish all your stories as you let me purge mine.  As we laugh and connect.  Commiserate.  Smile.

Our lives are on diverging paths - my head is fully aware, has known since before I met you and so I cherish the moments - the caffeine, the heat.  The phone calls, the Spanish.  You always give me more each time we part, plans - so different - surprisingly simple but I know one day you won't, can't.  I know that this has a deadline and yet I'm still jumping, still open, still ready.  Here and now.  Only now.

And so without reason I find happiness in you, from you, to you.  Shared.  Silly and serious, past and present.  Stories, simplicity.  Laughter, lots and lots of laughter.  I look into your eyes - see the sparkle, the mischief - I can't remember the last time I've done that consciously with another.  I want to absorb as much of it as I can until you go - but I won't push.  Not this time.  I'll take what you have to give fully understanding of your commitments, knowing that I fit into your world in pieces, no definitions, no constraints - just moments here and there.  And I know you'll come back... and when you do? Who knows.  I can't - won't - think that far ahead when I'm happy here and now, spending time with someone cool.  Connections - a funny thing.

Day 50... second draft

Needs some more work but a vast improvement over the emotionless drabble of draft one - I'm starting to like this version...  it's getting somewhere.

*******

"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome, totally fucked, but awesome." ~Tim Marshall 

Totally fucked but awesome.  A lifestyle, a community.  A place to get stronger, build confidence, be better.  The best you can be.  This is Crossfit.  This is my world.  That quote – the one that resonates in my head every workout, every day is from my coach, my friend, my inspiration – Tim Marshall. 

I was lucky to share breakfast by the ocean only a few weeks after arriving in Australia with Tim and a few others and we started talking about dreams of the future.  Bold and scary declarations of what we aspire to be.  Terrifying admissions but I could see the sparkle in Tim’s eye that morning – knew right then in my heart that he would achieve his goal – he would compete at the Crossfit Games – and I won’t underestimate him either – he might someday even win.  I believe in him – believe he truly has the desire, the drive, the confidence to get there, to give it his all.  To be one of the elite.  To be amongst his idols, competing against them.  He quotes times and placings of the likes of Blair Morrison and Ben Smith.  He lives and breathes the games literally from half a world away, watches it all happen in a place he has never even visited.  California dreaming.  He represents all that Crossfit is at just 19 years old.  This kid is going places.

In November 2010 Tim started his Crossfit journey, in January became a coach, a mentor to others.  To me.  He competed in the open in 2011, placed second in the intermediate division of the Primal Throwdown – all of this within six months of beginning this lifestyle.  He is driven, motivated, the definition of passion.

He once had dreams of becoming a professional ice hockey player, and it all changed one fateful day when a friend invited him over to ‘strength train’ on his rings, introduced him to the mainsite and a few WODs later and he was hooked.  His journey started then and there.  He eagerly writes his own WODs on the train to university and Karen, Elizabeth and Murph – back to back to back – merely training for the Primal Pairs with his twin brother.

He embodies everything Crossfit.  There is a sparkle, a little magic in his eyes that I see every time he works out – gets better.  And when he struggles, that’s when the best of him shines through – the determination, the courage, the commitment to get better.  The passion.

His biggest fear is of not measuring up – of not being good enough, the self-doubt drives him to get better every day.  I know however, knew from the moment that he said his dream out loud that beautiful morning over breakfast – that he will get there.  He will be there amongst his idols competing at the Crossfit games.  Look out world, Tim Marshall is coming.

Day 49... the interview, now what?

I interviewed Tim this morning for the article I'm writing for submission to the Crossfit Games.  He was kind enough to sit with me after the 6:45am workout that he coached and let me ask him questions - some quite personal - admitting things out loud that he didn't necessarily want too and I really appreciate that. 

Now what?

I'm stuck... the words are still floating - not coming together - I'm afraid to not do him justice.  I'm writing about him - his story and it has to be GREAT.  And I get it... I know how to overcome this - I just need to get the words out - anything - fill the page up, with garbage even and then go from there.  Rearrange, reorder, rewrite.  It is only then that the beauty will form, this isn't a story that just spews out - fingers on keyboard - free form.  This is a chronicling, of someone else's journey, someone else's dream, someone else.

I will find the angle, there are so many there, 500 words, barely skimming the surface and I'm determined to make it a glittery, stunning surface that everyone wants to jump into.

Day 48... yoga

I am excited to go to yoga tonight - hot yoga.  For the first time in almost a year.  Last year I completed the 30 day challenge in November, it was freeing - emotionally and physically.  I took a break after that period - consumed by the holidays, travel.  Went back a few times but that was it.  It's been a long time.

I miss the spirit of yoga.  Of my pushing my body.  Using my breath to go beyond what I'm normally capable of.  Focused.  Internalized.  Me.  I love savasna (lying down before and after class) just letting my mind go.  Focused breath, empty mind.  I see colours sometimes too - they ground me - center me.  Tell me where my focus needs to be - chakras.  Sometimes they colours emanate from thoughts of another - sending love, compassion, whatever they may need.  I cherish this.

I'm excited too because I'm going with someone I just met.  A new connection.  Developing.  I'm excited to see what it will bring.  Shared space.  Shared silence.  Silent.

I am excited to go to yoga tonight.

Day 47... inspiration?

I like to write, I want to focus my writing - it's why I write here.  But I've embarked on a new challenge - I've applied to write for the 2012 Crossfit Games.  I submitted a piece and have been asked to submit a second one - one specific to the Games.  This is my struggle.  I know so little about the games and even less about the competitors - currently I don't know anyone in the region with this goal though I intend to seek them out if selected for this journey. 

I currently struggle with what to write about - sure I write here daily - but it's different - I write whatever is on my mind in this instant - to write about a subject specifically? I haven't done that since highschool english assignments and even then it was a bit of a struggle.  And so I sit - afraid - terrified actually of this task.  In this moment it seems daunting but... I'm admitting that.  Putting it out there so that I will at least try - put my best foot forward into this.  My all.  I've told people close to me - am seeking their support - support they are so willing to give and so I will jump.  Two feet.  All I need is a little inspiration...

Day 46... music

Music... music once defined my life.  Not playing or singing or doing any of it but more that my life had a soundtrack.  A background track at all times.  There were few silences.  And now - that has changed.  I don't walk around the streets with my headphones in my ears.  My itunes is rarely opened at work.  I only have one cd in my car and therefore often listen to the radio - constantly scanning the channels for anything half decent.  I listen to more music at home but it's one playlist - repeated songs slowly shifting as the months pass by.  I don't need music like I used to.  It no longer influences my moods.  Perhaps it's because I am just happy.  I am fueled by so many other things that music has fallen into the background.  There is only one place that it matters to me - only one - the Crossfit box.  That is where I notice it most - there it is intense - angry, driven music gets me going, moving faster, harder.  That is the one place that I notice music.  Simplicity.

Day 45...

I remember what talking on the phone is like... the calling of the boy that you have that slight crush on - the pure communication - personal rather than taking the easy way - the texts.  It's funny how times change - how we became a society of text messaging - how my social circle back home was a myriad of snippets, making plans, confirming, sharing.  But here - it's all about the phone calls.  The conversations.  I must admit, it's taken me a little time to get used to - more often than not I avoid picking up - am taken aback - a little timid.  But I'm changing - slowly.  Taking those chances, sharing those words - full on sentences, unlimited characters.  It makes me smile.

Day 44...

Sundays are for:
-sleeping in
-breakfast
-coffee
-good company
-and conversation
-lingering
-and sharing
-inspirations
-market shopping
-fresh fruit and veggies
-wandering
-afternoon naps
-good food
-serenity
-writing
-snuggling
-laundry
-sunshine
-lemon picking
-relaxing

Sundays are for all of this - peace and simplicity.

Day 43...

There is something about the unconditional love of a child.  They just know whether they like you and that's that.  Unfiltered.  Attached. 

I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with just such a 7 year old.  I was manning the info booth at the Perth Royal with her father while her mother, sister and her explored the grounds (her mother had been in the booth all morning) - these were people I outrigger with but had only met a few times before - Lauren I'd only met once.

Each time they came back to the booth she took more of an interest in me until the end where she was helping me sell the show guides, eagerly, silly-ly.  It was fun.

After we had finished we wandered around the show and she held my hand, attached herself to me, and it was such a great feeling, so simple, so carefree.  She sat on my lap as we waited for her parents to shop, offered to share her lollies with me and curled right into me while watching the 3D fireworks.  It was amazing - such an innocent little girl - and it made me realize just how much we are able to complicate things as adults, how we censor ourselves, hide, afraid of being too much, too soon, too everything...  I wish we could all maintain some of that childhood innocence especially when in relationships.  Friendships.  That innocence that at the least allows us to just go with our gut, trust or not - purely intuition, sensing.  I yearn to be surrounded by that innocence.

Day 42...

Today is a reflection on me - who I am... perhaps just a brief start of some likes and dislikes...

I love (in no relevant order AT ALL):
-travelling and the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane - it's always different and to me marks the start of a new adventure
-late night conversations - there's something about sharing our deepest thoughts in the darkness, about defying sleep to tell our stories
-roadtrips - driving fast down the hwy, windows down, music loud, no set destination
-challenges and being challenged
-passion - about something, anything... coasting through life is boring and such a waste
-writing - obviously (day 42!!)
-inspiring people and being inspired by inspiring people - closely related to being passionate about something
-a good hug - be careful, I steal these a lot... ask my paddling peeps back home...
-crossfit - a new challenge and so fulfilling and challenging and competitive (internally), it's making me a better, stronger person
-yoga - need to get back to this - it keeps me balanced emotionally and physically
-simplicity - there is no need to cause drama
-people who follow their hearts rather them logic or what society tells us we should do
-dusk - the world slows down in this transition from day to night
-laughter, silliness, getting in touch with our inner child, playing with children - it's eye opening
-warm rain and running in warm rain, it's soothing and calms my soul like being out in my canoe... cheap therapy
-music - a necessity - my life needs a soundtrack but it'd be all over the place
-happiness - it took me a long time to get to this point in my life - but I'm happy... I can't explain how or why but I just am and I like the feeling
-my family - even though we're small, just the three of us we're solid... I appreciate the love and support through everything
-my friends - oldest, old and new - you are always there for me even through the years, distance and newness, all offering such variety and strength through it all
-my job - mostly... I like my career path and the places I've been because of it (including 70km from the North Pole) and that I once got to hold a gold bar that weighed 25kg and was worth over $250,000 at the time (would now be approx. $800,000)
-Sunday mornings - sleeping in, a coffee on the porch, relaxing in the sunshine
-skype (and how it keeps me close to my friends)
-getting fun mail - physical hand written mail - like postcards from places my friends are and pictures from my little buddy Justyn
-red wine and beer and breakfast (though preferably not all together)

Dislikes:
-the word no
-Halloween
-New Years
-shoes
-the squeal from a boiling kettle
-people that stand in doorways, rush to get on a plane or try to get on an elevator when people are still getting of
-fish and seafood - though I suffered (understatement) through a plate of smoked salmon when I was taken out for a fancy dinner in Copenhagen
-being trapped by a volcano (an extra week in Copenhagen seems lovely but it really wasn't at all)