Jan 15...

Who do you tell your secrets to? Your fears? Your wildest dreams? Or do you keep them all locked tightly up inside afraid to let them see the light of day?  Solely yours and yours alone?

Jan 14...

It's nights like this that I wish I could just drop by your place on my way home - a surprise visit just because you crossed my mind on the late night drive - how I want to tell you about my coworkers 40th birthday party and how he hired a 'little person' to fulfill his Fantasy Island theme, I think you'd appreciate the humour in it all... how you'd smile and laugh... 

And as I drive only a few streets over from your place, I think of you but I don't stop - though you're probably there...  I don't see your sparkling eyes reflecting your laughter... we're not there yet but maybe in time... maybe you'll let me in enough to know it's okay, unexpected visits... maybe... until then I'll save my stories for you...

Jan 13...

Knowing you're in town still and that I've already said good-bye is hard... it's easier when you're no longer here...

and yes, I'm now just assuming you read this... 

Jan 9 - a long time coming...

This post has taken me some time to write - to start writing - though it's been brewing in my head since the holidays, the new year.  It's not a list of resolutions and I don't necessarily believe in defined goals since we as humans are constantly changing and growing and if I *had* goals they never would have included 'move to Australia' so there's also that... so that's been my struggle - what then does this become?  I think - have been thinking - that's more an extravagant 'to do' list, conceptual... for this year, for the upcoming years - places to go, things to see, connections to make... things that I want from my future in however undefined way that evolves... and yes I'll be clear - they *are* constantly changing, always... always open to whatever presents itself in this moment for who knows what beauty a simple choice can bring...

And here once again I struggle with the words while only now (slowly) learning that I deserve everything I want... I know I can't always have specifics but the concepts, they will be mine but it's hard to voice them, hard when you know deep down that sometimes it's better to let go than to try and make something that isn't right work... it's true that the truth does hurt sometimes but it's all making me better, always better.

In December 2009 I spent a month in Ireland and fell in love with the country as I often do - I do fall in love with things often, privately... a place, a moment, an idea - I have always fallen in love easily with things, less so with people but I care - deeply - often to my detriment but yet I wouldn't have it any other way... I want to live passionately, always full on - I'd rather be feeling highs and lows, it let's me know I'm still alive... living.

And so... again after a pause to once again collect my thoughts.... my dreams, resolutions, objectives - whatever they may be called... things that I will strive for this year and through my life... a list:

-I want to fall in love... truly, with someone who is willing to fall in love back - fearless - or at least will to risk it... without running from it...  I'm getting closer every day - to being the person who can look beyond the (potential) hurt to actually live out loud.  This is scary - for me - for others but I can't do it any other way - I can't do half way.  I don't want half way.  I want a life, independent and entwined with someone else - not endless days of time together but brilliant moments making memories, reveling in the closeness and then yearning in the days spent apart, endless thoughts drifting, stories saved to share upon the next encounter.  Someone who challenges me and makes me better and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"

-I want to travel... far and wide, exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the culture and language, the pace and customs... I want months spent in foreign places beyond our technological borders, disconnected.  La Tomatina, Everest base camp, costa rica, greece, cuba...

-I don't want roots... I want freedom to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city, country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving - so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me.  Australia, South and Central America... "passport stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"

 -I want a job that I love, that challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing.  I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or structure.  I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that would sound like.

-I want to continue my quest to be stronger, better.  Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing the wonderful... moderation.  I've gotten stronger and I want to keep going - bigger goals, movements.  Muscle-up, pull-ups (unassisted), learning to love burpees, my surfski..

Overall I want to continue to live a passionate life full of flavour... I don't want to sit back and watch the world go by I want to be a part of it, savoring the days and realising with every breathe that we only get once chance and time passes too quickly.   If anything, the past year has taught me that bold choices do work out - unexpected offers become brilliant stepping stones to so much more.

I've learned that saying good-bye is hard but it's sometimes for the best and that there are people out there who no matter the time or distance will always have your back - and there are some that get tied up in themselves, too busy - and you have to let them go - anyone who *wants* to be in your life will always find the time - bullshit is overrated and requires too much energy, letting go is sometimes just better... we all deserve to live a beautiful life full of love and laughter and it's up to me to ensure that my life is full of it... that's my mantra if you will - life a life full of love and let go of things that no longer bring me happiness...