An update... Australia part 4...

 The longing of part 3 completely overshadowed my true superficial update
there were so many things to state - but my love sprang in the darkness
and so a list... here goes...

-I don't fear the critters quite so much
perhaps because it's winter
or I'm becoming complacent
I can walk around in the dark now and not fear the worst
though I still have reservations in the shrubs and the rocks
and stepped on a cockroach the other night
-the Indian ocean is my new boyfriend
I'm sorry English Bay but we have to break up
winter paddling (in two seat), an easy 20km
surfing rogue waves and a mid paddle swim
did I mention it's winter
-the darkness comes early
it's just accepted
but it's not scary
the creatures are too cold to come out
-the markets are everywhere
surrounded by freshness
I cook more, better
it's easy when the packaged products cost so much
-the tv is no longer winning
it's the stereo that is always on
music, surrounding me
a solo dance party in my house every night
and lots and lots of writing...
-Sundays are my favorite day
nothings open except the markets
bags of produce for cheap
so fresh, so tasty...
-Sunday is also for cleaning and calm
for sitting on the veranda with a coffee in hand
some good tunes
and maybe picking some lemons
writing or reading or sharing some good conversation
simple and oh so lovely
-my drive to work is theraputic
I give way to my thoughts
the ocean scenery
a sense of calm
and the ride home, in darkness
serene
the ships like tiny far off cities on the horizon
-my mornings are less rushed, less sleepy
get up, kettle, shower - towel warm from the dryer
breakfast and lunch making, coffee
it's simple and calm
-my wardrobe is minimal
I like it this way, don't need more
perhaps just a warmer jacket
and another pair of work heels
but it's easy having less stuff, simple
-my laundry all smells different
and it still catches me off guard,
dried on the line and
detergents you don't find back home
-I started running again, slowly
and joined the crossfit gym
both are kicking my ass
and make me want to vomit but
they're testing my limits making me push
I like the hurt (yes, I'm crazy)
-Somewhere along the way I turned into my mother
with my love of red wine
and though I'm sure it happened in Vancouver
know it happened with Kimberley
I've just realized it here
and I can't say I mind...
-the storms here are unbelievable
monsoon rains and lightening
thunder rattling the trees
the winds taking control - powerful gusts
the tin roofs making it all close in
and from it all emerges the sun, quiet surrender

The theme here seems to be simple, calm, reduction, the pure essence.
It's bringing out who I truly am and what I truly want.
Peace and love - the little things...
my old stone cottage a great big garden
writing and learning and being
growing
I'm still waiting on someone to share all this with but I'm ready
when the time comes, when he comes... slowly, in my future
my heart is open and I'm comfortable in my own skin
and I don't want for anything, I've got more than I need
I'm falling in love all over again, with this city they call Perth

An Update... Australia part 3...

I've been here a month... time flies.

And even though Jan would like rhymes, I think this will be freeform at best.
I'm growing here.
It was hard packing up and leaving Vancouver,
leaving 8 years of my life
leaving friends.

Friends who taught me in my last few weeks what really matters
They are all that matter - those that you love.
Sometimes they are the people you are scared to love
or the people you surround yourself with that you never quite tell how you feel.
It's those people that we sometimes (unintentionally) take for granted.
They are life.
What matters most.
All that we have.

They are the friends that taught me, as I was leaving...
I miss them all dearly but carry a part of them each in my heart.
They showed me what matters, how I matter
And taught me to show them how much they mean to me-
Love in many forms - for I love you all dearly.
You have shaped me and allowed me to grow
Have let me be who I am and loved me back all the same.
I miss you.

But it is in these past few weeks that I've found a new love.
A new city.
A new home.  My own home.  A house to call mine.
The Indian ocean has replaced my boyfriend English Bay
And I'm sure my surfski will soon compete for my love of Kermie

I'm rediscovering the little things - the ones that matter most.
I'm meeting people and less afraid to open my heart...
and it's all because of what you taught me Vancouver
8 years of growing, learning, becoming.

I was young and scared when I drove out to the west
I was running and supported by the strongest of walls.
But I let myself grow, let myself look forward not behind
Stopped judging myself for stupid mistakes
and knowing a good apology was worth the lesson.
I'm glad that I transitioned there.
It's the place that I'll always call home.

But I'm down under now.
Meeting new people that are showing me that life is just the same
but I'm different this time
I'm not afraid, not questioning my self worth and that's a huge jump
a leap of faith that I'm happy with.
My heart is open for all that surrounds me
For what is new, for the challenges I'll face
and for the loneliness at times I still feel.
But I'm happy.  In this moment - full on.

I sit here in the dark as the power company replaces the line
My ramblings taking on such a different form of what they were
What was in my head mere hours ago.
I like that.
Would rather feel and love than run and hide.
An ode if you will for the loves of my life - my friends and family.
A reassurance that I'm truly okay while missing you dearly.
There's something romantic about writing by the light of the fireplace
and two lonely candles.
Remind me though - I must get a 'torch'

 Brought to you by the darkness, red wine and the letter X!

An update... Australia part 1...

Today seems like the perfect day....
the day that Canada celebrates another year
a day when my closest friends wait for the wind to blow in the columbia gorge
a day to fully realize that I now live in AUSTRALIA...

I have been here for 3 days...

3 days where nothing feels different except for
the fact that I confuse my rights and lefts
I drive on the wrong side of the road
that while I can accept that it is winter
and that maybe I brought with me the Vancouver rain
the weather here is crazily schizophrenic
I'm happy for my gumboots

Happy Jacks is really just Burger King incarnated
and a decent coffee is impossible to come by
and bananas cost $8 per pound
the river has whitecaps and the ocean is primal

I can't wait to experience it all

I have an Australian license
will own a car here on monday
I have a bank account
and new mobile number
and am searching for just the perfect place to live

I'm excited for all that is to come
while still missing the people I love the most
and I have yet to see a kangaroo...
or a koala...
or any creepy crawlies...

I'm exhausted from the jet lag
which is so much harder to overcome
when they days are 3 hours shorter
summer is now winter
though my flip flops still adorn my feet
the changes are tiring and
I wonder why I was exhausted with the old

deep down I know great adventures await
and true friends will always be there
true friendships will continue to grow older
as we all grow old

new friends will come
and life will move on but
will never replace the old
the memories I will always carry in my heart
the people I will continue to carry in my heart.

a few highlights so far...
avocados are actually ripe in the grocery store
I have yet to learn what an Americano is called here
rental applications are worse than a highschool exam
I can drive on the left
but still haven't figured out how to walk down the sidewalk
australian phone numbers are confusing
and time zones are worse
but I'm here...
I'm strong
and I'm going to own this country soon...
miss you all
come visit!

July 1st...

Each month I'm going to send another email to you.. I am determined we'll talk again...

July 2011...

people always leave...

it was a line just used on a show I'm watching and a perfect fit for you and I...

I tried calling you a million times on my drive back east...
still try and call you...
your phone always goes straight to voicemail and I'm sure you delete my messages....

but on that day...
on my drive back east...
I decided that I'd email you a the beginning of each month....
try to wear you down, show you i'm for real...

I don't know if it'll work but I have to try.

I have to try for all the times that you told me we'd always be able to connect
For all the times I remember the Italy debacle and how somehow we made it through
For how after all these years I've realized that it was you who taught me how to love...

I miss you.  I admit that, fully, completely.
Bryan Adams was right... though I never thought you'd be completely gone.

I did take you for granted and there are a million things I wish I could now go back and change...
-not written that letter
-hung around that night in thunder bay when you were out and your sister forgot to give me the message
-not been a complete jackass in boston and shared your bed
-not pushed you out of mine so many times
-or rejected your late night phonecalls
-and hugs

I miss it all... and more.  All that could have been and what never was.  You.  My friend.

I often dream that we get many chances to live the same life... reincarnation in a weird form.
I hope that I get to do this all over again... differently.  You and me.
I want to go back, not take you for granted.

See the details in the photos
Read the meanings in the mixed tape songs
Know that you only had eyes for me from so far away

More than anything I wish to go back and do it all again and since I can't...
I will keep trying to connect
through phone
and text...
emails every month.

I'm determined.  You know that...

I want your arms around me once again
Your gaze staring solely at me
A hug... your surprise at the connection
the butterflies...
pressed up against the railing of the bridge..

Though i know in my heart we can never go back...
Though I wish for you to be happily in love by now...
And your marriage and kids and future... all outstanding...
I will still reach out to be your friend...
will wonder what I actually said in that ill fated message,
in those days that I both loved and hated you all at once.

A part of me still loves you...
always will...
you taught me how to open my heart - to see what was out there...
to realize that it's okay to love without any expectation of things in return...
you... only you.

I protected myself from you - was still damaged...
been so damaged by people leaving me...
but you always came back - I cherished that...
but not this time... I was right once again...
you left
but I didn't want you to... not you...

and so I will always reach out...
hope we can reconnect one day
I want to say I'm sorry and make amends for so many things
and to celebrate our futures... and to finally see
Not everyone leaves... at least not you.