Day 102...

Today there are no words only sleepiness and soreness.  Quite and calm.  Goodnight.

Day 101...

another day...

work meetings
huge lunch
sluggish afternoon
WOD
yup, WOD on a belly full of indian
burpees
belly
a struggle but pushed through
accomplished

another day...

Day 100...

100 days.  100 days of posts, of writing, of randomness.  I'd like to say that I've found my voice but I don't feel like I have - I'm scattered.  All over the place, an endless supply of emotions.  I like to write but I like to write too people and lately I find I'm keeping the more personal stuff elsewhere, hidden.  To him.  And I know that's okay, that this is my little corner and I'm free to do with it what I please - selfish - yes, but also why I created this page - for me.  I love all of you that follow along, check in occasionally or are profoundly confused when you stumble upon me after random google searches but alas.  It's just how it goes.

I have no focus to this post, no wisdom to impart, nothing special even to say except that wow - 100 days.  What a milestone.

Day 99...

Back to old routines.  Comforting.  Coffee runs and trips to the market.  Sleeping late, reading.  Writing.  I love Sundays.

*****

I woke startled last night, tears streaming down my face and they weren't small sobs but body shaking sobs.  Uncontrollable, unexplained.  I can barely recall the dream which brought about such sadness but what shook me the most was that when I woke up, memories erased I still wept.  I couldn't stop and so I let it out - the bottled up emotion that came from some place I don't understand.  I let it loose and when it was over I dried my eyes and drifted back into slumber once again.

Day 98...

I got home last night and today saw all my new Perth friends at the box... it was however slightly strange.  I'd only been gone a week.  One week exactly and yet it felt like much longer, months. 

When I returned from Ireland it was much the same, I attributed it then to the time I'd been gone - it was months... but now? Now I realize that it's not the days that pass but rather the changes I face, the faces I see, the culture, the perspective.  It changes me - a little of me left behind, a little of there carried with me.

The days don't matter, it's the experiences and I feel I've lived a lot in this past week.

Day 98...

It's funny how the concept of time disappears in airport lounges - travelers between destinations, journeys starting, ending... business and leisure.  Breakfast and beer, coffee and cocktails.  The world is dimensionless inside airport lounges, anything goes.

*****

I spent today in Brisbane wandering around the city aimlessly in the sunshine and humidity.  It's strange sometimes - the more I travel the more some places seem to be the same.  Brisbane - quite like Perth in places - perhaps I barely scratched the surface of Brisbane downtown, perhaps I don't know Perth city quite well enough - but to me, similarities.  And then, in another part of the city - Brisbane resembled Ottawa, a bit of back home.  Perhaps it's solely my perspective but wherever I go I'm reminded of all the other places I've been and I like that... new adventures, old memories.

Day 97...

November 24, 2011 did not exist.

Time is a funny thing.  Funnier still when you live so close to the date line.  Time.  Travel.  Time travel. 

Yes, today did not exist.

Day 96... thanks, racing thanks...

Today was a day for unexpected races.  For showing up, paddle in hand, gear all sorted, food ready to go.  It was for just going with the flow of events and finding a crew last minute.  Adapting.  A very young master, lots of thanks.

Thanks for paddling, for picking me.  And mostly, thanks for my abilities.  For the years spent with False Creek and the insanity of it all... of the practicing, procedures - drilled into us year after year.  The way.  The only way.  One ziploc.  Consistency.  It is because of this that I can adapt.  That I can jump in and be okay - better than okay.  I can hold my own because of the past, because of False Creek.  The experience, the paddlers, the knowledge.  So thank you - thanks to my Australian crew for race day and to my False Creek crews that got me there.

Day 95... dreams

Last night I dreamed of you...  I couldn't sense the line between what was real and what was not and it left me unsettled.  A bit of unrest, uneasiness.  But that will change soon.

Day 94...

Today was a challenge.  The hardest race I have ever steered.  Not the biggest water, not even close but the most challenging, unrelenting, never ending. 

And I did it twice.

The ocean is a beast.  She constantly exerts her force on us at will, we are just mere creatures floating on the surface - some days just hoping to make it safely back to land.  I love her power, have felt it only rarely - the insistent pounding.  Tossed so effortlessly across the spines of her swells.  The pure focus required to maneuver our tiny canoe along the surface, upright.  Steady.  I survived her today - the ocean - worked with her to cover the distance.  Harnessed her power as best that I could and most importantly I didn't fight her.  I was calm in her presence as she her exerted her full force upon us.

Day 93...

I am changing.  The person I am so different from a year ago.  The traveler I am so different.  I've been to many places, many time zones, hotels.  I'm a proficient traveler, have been since I started flying alone at a young age between relatives.  I like my adaptability, my flexibility, my survival instincts.  But even with all this history I'm different now and I've only come to this conclusion on my recent adventure.

Whereas once I'd faithfully take my running shoes with me they'd often never leave my bag - the knowledge that I'd just packed them seemingly enough.  And now? Now I search for that spot that is suitable for a WOD - find only one that requires a brief run to get to and I don't hesitate, find precious enough minutes to fit it in, in the height of unyielding midday heat... no excuses, no distractions just movement.  Forward... one step, another.  Brief respite as I reach the field then back at it.  Burpee... one, two... ten.  Breathing hard... twenty, thirty.  Seconds ticking by, still so many reps left...  fourty, fourty-five.  Fifty - half way, finally.  Keep moving, one more rep, one more.  Sixty, seventy.  Cursing Jack. Eighty, almost there.  Ninety, just ten to go.  Finally, as sweat drips from every pore, finished - 100 reps as promised.  Satisfaction.  A quick breather then I'm off, back to where I started.  Running - no excuse to walk - keep moving, it's not yet done.

And in these steps, these burning breaths.  It hits me.  I'm different now.  I yearn for these challenges, these finite goals, satisfying.  The shoes no longer hide in my luggage, they are left strewn and sweaty... and accompanied by my skipping rope.

Day 92...

Brief updates from the middle of the pacific...

Today I am thankful for iced coffee surprises - full on coffee goodness topped with a delicious little ice cream surprise.

Today I am respectful of the oceans power - of those who know their limits and admit them full on - the bravery that it takes to stand back and say it's too much - too much power, too much wildness, too much.  Too much.

Today I am happy - to getting to frolick in the sunshine away from any technological restraints or clocks or plans.  I just am.  Being.  Happy.

Today I am...

Day 91 - unexpected plans and cloudy closeness

I’m thankful today for being able to adapt to changing plans.  My flight last night was cancelled (delayed?) as I sat at the airport ready to board.  In the past I was a person who would get quite aggravated at this – would blame innocent people for things beyond their control and I was really happy to realize on the long dark drive home that I’m no longer that very unhappy girl.  Instead of expending energy getting mad I instead used that energy for fun – got an extra unplanned WOD in at the box at 9:30am (the most relaxed time of the day) and followed that up with a fun breakfast with awesome company (thanks Angie)…  it was a blast and felt like a ‘free’ day.  I managed to eventually get to Rarotonga a day later and it didn’t even matter.  I didn’t miss much there and I gained so much more here including that ‘did not depart’ stamp in my passport that makes for another outstanding adventure story.

****

I stare out at the puffy clouds and want to jump into their softness.  Feel a connection to you a world away – somewhere.  I don’t know exactly the distance but at this height it doesn’t seem so far.  Just a sunset away.  In this moment, staring out into the fading sunlight I feel close to you – closer than I have in some time and I cherish it as I drift to sleep with a  smile on my face.

Day 90...

Leaving on a jet plane...  it's been a while since I've had an adventure (beyond moving half way around the world) and this one was completely last minute and barely planned beyond booking a ticket and I like it this way.  Endless opportunities and beautiful people awaiting my arrival in a remote island in the middle of the Pacific.  I'm in the last hour of work finally - it's been the craziest of days - and the excitement is settling in - replacing the adrenaline that has been my non-stop day.  I can't wait to get on that plane - to breathe in the air on the other end - so different than anywhere else - a smile on my face and a week to relax. 

See you in a week!

(note, I will still be continuing my daily writing while there but likely won't post it until my return as I'm going without a computer - yay! - and internet/ wifi is apparently extremely expensive as is everything else!)

Day 89...

A journey.  I'm getting ready for another adventure but it feels so different this time - so relaxed, so simplistic.  Just me and a ticket.  Bag still to be packed but I'm carefree.  Warmth.  It's different this time - there are few plans on the other side - many unknowns and yet all I can feel is peace.  Bright blue waters, blindingly yellow sun - this is what awaits me and I'm ready.  Writing beneath a palm tree, feeling, remembering.  Hair blowing in a cooling breeze.  Toes dusty from warm sand, workouts preplanned but not feared - expected.  I'm ready to get away for this short time - rest, relaxation.  Rejuvenation through time spent with old friends.

Day 88...

There is something sublimely magical about someone else washing your hair - the relaxation, the peace.  It's perfect.

Day 87... missing you

I miss you.  I miss you and I think that’s okay because if I didn’t miss you it means it wouldn’t be worth it and it is.  You are.  This matters.  You matter.

This isn’t a deep seeded longing – there is no ache, no agony involved in the wait, just a wish you were here sentiment – impatience.  I can handle it though, tolerate it, knowing you’re coming back to me.  Soon enough.

Just come back to me.

Day 86...

Today there are aches, pains, bruises.  All signs of an amazing day - a tough day.  Physical.  Mental.  A day of accomplishments and success.  Support.  Communication.  It was a great day and the aches and pains and bruises are a happy reminder.

Day 85... affiliate cup recap...

Saturday was AWESOME!!!  It was my first time competing in a Crossfit competition and even though there was a ton of nervousness and it was an extremely long day I loved it. 

My team awesome team of four was  Adam, Ross, Lisa and myself.  We were in the beginner category along with two other Cooee teams (there were 13 teams in the beginner category

WOD #1

Barbell Run

2 40kg barbells for beginners

As a team complete a 1600m run carrying both weighted barbells below the shoulders – the team must cross the finish line together.  If a bar is placed on the ground there will be a 10 squat penalty to be completed once the run is finished.

11:22 (1^st overall)

We were in the first group to go and had a pretty decent strategy of stretcher carrying both barbells in pairs (guys and girls).  We started out with the boys carrying and took off faster than anyone else – it seemed most teams were walking – and immediately were in front on our own.  It was a steady pace and we communicated and worked well in our transitions.  Towards the end of the second lap however our grip strength was failing – it was becoming quite difficult to maintain the stretcher carry and we switched to one bar for the boys and one for the girls held on our bent arms – this worked because both people could still run forwards however Lisa and I were struggling – Ross took one barbell on his own and Adam took most of the other while Lisa and I helped as best we could on either end and we finished like this.  It was a good start to the day.

The other Cooee Beginner teams were 3^rd and 4^th – solid showing.

WOD #2

KB/ Burpee Broadjump

Male – 20kg KB, Female – 16kg KB

In pairs (male/female) – one pair works on KB swings – only one person working at a time while the other pair completes 40m (approx.) of burpee broadjumps (alternating guy/girl for the distance).  Once burpees are completed team sprints back and switches.  Each pair does both the swings and burpees twice.  Score is finish time minus number of KB swings (in seconds).

2:49 (6^th overall)

This was a pretty straightforward WOD and the burpees didn’t hurt too much because there was too much else to focus on (full partner extension, tagging partners hand, hands behind their feet, burpee, big jump, full extension, repeat) which also made the distance pass quicker.  The KB swings were Russian swings so elbows just had to be above shoulders – we typically only do American swings so it required focus to not swing too high (to get more reps completed).  Again our team had great communication on this one.

All Cooee Beginner teams were top 5 after these two WODS!

WOD #3

“Sam”

250 DU’s (or 750 SU’s) – whole team either does DU’s or SU’s

200 Wall-balls (8kg male/ 5kg female bottom line for both)

150 Deadlifts (70kg male/ 50kg female)

3km row

15 minute cut-off

To be completed as a team.  All reps of each exercise to be completed before moving on to the next exercise.  One person working at a time, one person must be on the rower at all times until 3km completed.

14:54 (3^rd overall)

This was a really fun WOD and worked to some of our strengths both with what we had been practicing at team training (switching out to complete a large number of reps) and also our skills from everyday training (DU’s).  It also had one of our major weaknesses – wall-balls.  We don’t have the proper equipment at the moment to do these at our box so we struggled here.  We were however one of only 18 (total 41 teams) to complete this WOD under 15 minutes. 

Adam jumped on the rower straight off as Ross, Lisa and I killed on the DU’s – I managed to string together 31 at one point, not quite my best but up there.  We were quickly onto the wall-balls but got several no-rep calls with either inability to get above the line or not getting enough depth on the squat.  It was a struggle but we made it through.  During this time Ross switched out with Adam on the rower followed by a short stint by both Lisa and I.  I didn’t get too far and although I could have done more I switched out when Adam came back because my feet weren’t really strapped in (little feet).  Adam was able to finish however while we were doing our deadlifts and then the 4 of us banged out the 150 seconds before the cut-off.  It was a lot of fun and non-stop.  Again, our communication really helped.

All Cooee beginner teams were in the top 5 meaning we all got into WOD #4 – the final WOD.

WOD #4

Squat Cleans/ Sprints

In pairs (males and females working together on difference bars).

7 minute AMRAP

Minutes 1,3,5 – max squat cleans per pair (40kg/20kg)

Minutes 2,4 – max sprints (approx. 40m)

One person in the pair working at a time for both squats and sprints.  1 point for every squat clean, 2 points for every sprint (there/back) – both partners had to be back on the mat before squat cleans could start again after sprinting.

(don’t know our final score)

Our team struggled with the squat cleans though it seemed were pretty much solid on the sprints.  Lisa and I did 61 squat cleans and 30 sprints (15 there and back) but it wasn’t enough for us to place in the top 3 – however – the other two Cooee teams represented – 2nd (Shonelle, Esther, Vinnie, Dozer) and 3rd (Vicki, Jeni, Oli, Dom) overall for the day.  A great showing for the box!

Our intermediate team also had a solid showing placing 6th (Angie, Kirsten, Jack and Pete) and just barely missing the final WOD.

Congrats to everyone from Cooee who competed. Big thanks to Tim who coached us all day and to Match who judged so that we as athletes didn’t have to (and it was agreed upon by all that he probably worked the hardest all day).  Also much appreciation to everyone else who came along to cheer us on – it was great to have that support.  Go green!

Day 84... we remember

Today we remember - all those that came before us, who fought so that we can live in the world that we do... we remember all those that continue to fight - who willingly devote their lives to keeping us safe from harm, who go to places that we can barely imagine to shelter us from things beyond our wildest imaginations... we remember and reflect on all that has been, all that is now and all that (sadly) is still to come.

Day 83... for me...

There are many posts that will probably not make sense to everyone reading here - it's just how it goes.  This writing is for me.  This writing is for those I write too - whether they know it or not.  These are my words.  My space to purge the insanity in my head - to make sense of the puzzles - to breathe. 

Often I am drawn back to old posts, old people and I'm surprised by the intensity of my thoughts, my feelings but I know in my heart is a was only a moment in time.  A place for me to expel the voices in my head in that second - sort it out.  And the words - the very highs and lows of it all - extremes which carry a speck of the truth for sure but the words expand on that in a provoking way - the ordinary so boring.

For those I write my words to - know that I will speak them to you aloud - the sounds echo the pure truth - that my writing is but a small piece of what you are to me - the true essence so much beyond this black and white.  The deeper intensity of it all is vague - needs vocalization not plain type.

Day 82...

I don't have much to say today... just cruising along... feeling the length of just a week... a week past, a week to come... many more after that.  Life is good in this in-between, bearable, a constant line... there are many thoughts inside my head depending on the hour, the minute, the space but they're just for you - not for here.  They will wait for the length of another week... past, present.

Day 81... rarotonga

I'm going to Rarotonga, Cook Islands... I booked my flight today.  And while it's ridiculous far - I get there half an hour before I actually leave here - and probably cost too much at the last minute... it's going to be worth it.  Great friends and a touch of home in the middle of the south pacific.  I can feel the sunshine on my skin, sand between my toes.  The soft tropical breeze, hammocks swinging in the wind and conversation.  Catching up.  Cheesecake.  I can't wait... I'm glad it's coming quickly - just 9 days til I leave...

Day 80...

There is something peaceful about running in the rain... it's quieter somehow, calming.  Comforting - a reminder of home only warmer.  Peaceful - until that big lash of wind comes at you from around a corner, pushing, enveloping.  In those moments the blinding rain becomes just too much.

Day 79... ch-ch-ch-changes...

I sit on my porch drinking coffee - the dregs so vile and yet still so tempting for that last swill of liquid - I am searching for the sun in the overcast sky - wondering where the heat is, the warmth.  I know it's coming - has shown me glimpses and I'm stuck - I want it but it's overpowering - so warm, sticky.  But this cool breeze, the one I'm going to cherish in a few weeks time, it's chilling right now, as I sit here and write.  Conflicted.  I listen to the sound of helicopters in the sky, wondering while Bowie sings through the speakers behind me...  Changes... my life this past year - full of changes.

I can barely remember the girl I was on my birthday last year - I can picture the evening fully - board games, great friends, family, cake...  I was still struggling then, about to initiate the changes - the ones that would get me to where I am now - to step fully into myself, so aware.  I would soon let go of something that seemingly looked so good on the surface, from a distance, by others.  A connection that just wasn't right - was never right except to those that looked on.  And while so many don't understand the ending, the reasons, I still can't explain, even after all this time - there are no words.  It just didn't feel right.  It wasn't right - for me.  And that was enough.

A few weeks later I was presented with an offer - an offer to move to Australia and it terrified me - it froze me for several months - never leaving my mind but seeming such a far fetched idea - half a world away.  But as the changes piled up so did the choices, the alternatives - I delayed it as much as I could but I eventually made the jump... and it feels great.  I'm here.  It fits. 

I often reflect - wonder how I got to where I am now - after all this time.  It definitely surprises me - if you'd asked me just one year ago where I'd be now I could have answered but I'd have been so wrong - my vision of the future then looked so different than it does now, present.  And I'm happy for that - I have lived fully this past year, grown, took chances, made choices - I have found happiness.  Happiness with others but more importantly within myself, a long time coming.  And so while I have dreams I don't struggle with the future so much - it's fluid, constantly changing by the decisions we make today - we can't foresee what it will bring and honestly - I don't want to... it's too much fun living right now.

Day 78...

I wrote to you today... I wrote about all the words I've said to you, the ones I haven't yet, the ones I still want to...  I wrote them but it might be a while before you see them, I'm not sure they're ready to be shared yet, not fully formed.  But they exist.  They exist in a place that isn't here - it's too public and those words, those words are personal - you and me.  Different.  I know that they will be shared in the near future with you - but not in writing, not in type but directly - conversing one on one like we do, what we're best at.  I will tell you all the thoughts that are sorting, forming, coming together in something that makes sense.  Words for you.  I wrote to you today...

Day 77... birthdays

Best birthday ever...

-in Australia for the first time
-late night phone calls with best friends
-cake at work and silly short jokes
-rain to make it feel like home
-warm enough to make me realize it wasn't
-great company
- tasty lamb dinner on the bbq
-lots of hugs
-and laughing
-conversations
-and connecting, really connecting
-good music
-more cake - 3 kinds....
-including cheesecake (for Lili)
-and coffee
-more hugs and goodbyes and future plans...
-perfect...

Here's to another great year...

Day 76... birthday cake

Today is a day for cake.  Lots and lots of cake.  Though I'll miss eating cheesecake with Lili and our soul searching conversations that come with that I will eat cake with new friends, in a new place, in the warm weather that is spring.  Though it's a different season, a different country I am still comforted in the fact that it has rained on my birthday - so typical of what I'm used to - but at least this time it comes with warmer temperatures.  Warmer temperatures... and cake.  Lots and lots of cake.

Day 75... bold chances

I want to live in the moment.  Right now, not the future.  I know that sounds simplistic, naive but it's suddenly this overwhelming urge.  Present.

There are things I want in life, goals, dreams, future 'plans' but I don't want them to define who I am today.  I don't want to be stuck waiting on the future - for everything to be aligned, perfect.

I want what makes me feel alive right now.  In this instant.  I believe everything is destined to be what it is meant to - we are presented with forks in the road - unexpectedly - and we get to make a choice, pick a path on this journey.  Experiences, people, adventures.  Decisions that define us, teach us, move us forward, take us where we're meant to go.  Every single step.

And I fully understand that choices I make today may some day cause me hurt, pain - but that isn't enough reason to hold back.  What-ifs and regrets won't make me happy, they'll temper my existence, moderated, mundane.  I want exceptional and amazing a true roller coaster of emotions - to live fully - pure passions contrasted with dark days.  I trust too that the good will by far outweigh the bad - the bad making the good so pure and magnificent in contrast.  Fully alive.

Every past choice has made us who we are today, every breath.  And now, now I yearn to take the bold chances - take them all - because they might turn into the perfectly formed future anyway.  And if not at least I'll have the memories, the smiles, the pure unfiltered living. To me, that is enough.

Day 74... November 1st...

November 1st, another month gone by.  Memories fading, new memories being made.  It's different this year, this month... the month where I normally feel your presence more, feel the past, feel the longing.  This year it's different.  The sun shines where the rain usually falls, the nights are spent in endless conversations with someone that's not you.  It's better, it's now.  Present, not past.  Future perhaps.  It makes me happy.

My thoughts of you are still there, you're still there - I can feel you through the distance but your silence is wearing on me, wearing me down.  I know I've promised to write at the beginning of every month and I will but I can't promise that my words won't change.  Tone.  I'm happy here, the sunshine reflects my mood - the rain is gone and you're slowly fading with it.