This makes me happy...

Daisies - my favorite!

March 26, 2012

I've written to you a million times over the last 6 months and yet I sit here and struggle to start this.  It's not because I don't have things to say but rather because I don't know where the line is between supportive and selfish is right now - in this situation.  The one where we both care and yet still struggle.  I understand.  Perhaps that's the only approach I can take?

Unlike what you believe, I don't always get my way but this time it's different.  Sure I'd love (want!) a relationship with you in whatever form that looks like, know I could handle the distance as long as you were here with me when you're back but I know that you can't (won't?) give that to me and I understand.  I truly do.  I understand the part where you don't want to have to think of anyone back home while you're over there, no distractions, no worries back here.  I get how there are times you'd leave unknowingly and suddenly and that you think that is selfish to whomever might care for you.  It's partly why I struggle with my need to ask you to call me when you get back - I care but I get why you won't (can't).  I'll be thinking of you anyway.

I wonder sometimes who you are trying to protect, you or me?  You've often repeated how it's selfish of you to get involved because of your career but I also think you have a fear of getting left behind as well.  I remember the first time you went away that I thought that maybe you worried that I'd change my mind on you before you returned - that somehow I might regret that kiss.  But then you left again and I realised that it was in fact the opposite.  I had a fear that you'd come back and have changed your mind on me.  Wouldn't want to kiss me anymore.  But you did, again and again and that mattered and makes me feel selfish.

My struggle lately, and yes, we've discussed it all - was the pushing (the hiding) - so clearly evident that you were pushing me away even as you cared about me in return.  I get it though - it's different this time.  The stakes are higher, the distance so vast, the timing much longer.  I don't mind the space though, I understand your independence and how much your work means to you.  Matters most.  But it's just knowing you care about me - which I know now - that matters too.

Part of the struggle for me to write these words is that I've said most everything I wanted to say to you the other night and I'm so glad that I did - that we talked.  I am finding it easier to open up to you, to have these conversations that I've never been any good at - you give me patience and I become more rational with you (even when it means letting go of what I want most - you).  You let me talk even when it takes me forever to get my words out so thank you for letting me - to maintain the connection by sitting in your lap too.  You could have easily pushed me off but you didn't and I think that still says a lot.  Also, I enjoyed that closeness.  It's why I want to spend the night with you - we'd both let down our walls and just be and I think it'd be beautiful, magical but I get that it also opens up a whole new level of caring - for both of us - neither of us very good at doing things half way.  Perhaps one day though.

It's funny realy - in an 'it puts a smile on my face' way - how your actions, your body speaks so much louder than your words.  Your kisses speak volumes - and your hugs - the perfect fit that always last a little bit longer.  These - they drive my need to see you - always.  I'm going to miss that.  You.  But I know not to push (not anymore than I already have), I know I can't even begin to understand what you're facing in the next year but I do grasp your need to let go.  Where does that leave us? As friends I hope, I'll be here when you get back full of hugs (and kisses?) saved up just for you and I hope you'll call/ come collect them.

I'm going to still write to you too - perhaps send emails (though I'm not sure you'll get them even if you wanted to).  And maybe, perhaps you'll realize I'm not actually going anywhere and you'll start to trust me - let me in.  That you can count on me always.

I'll miss you!

~J.

March 24, 2012

You are missing out.  It's that simple.  I'm a good person, a happy person, a fun person.  I haven't always been, it's not just ego talking.  I've spent years learning, listening to my instincts, guidance from good friends.  Growing.  I like this place I'm at.  You're just a small part.  Sure, you make me happy in the rare moments we spend together but in the in betweens? I'm just as content.  Alone or surround by others, I'm me.

I'm the person that cares deeply but doesn't often show it.  When you see my smile you know it's real.  Genuine.  I'm strong and confident though I hide a soft, squishy center deep inside.  You've been lucky enough to have seen some of it, whether you get more though remains to be seen.  I want that connection with you but we've hit a roadblock, a river we need to get across but we can't do it alone, apart.

I'm still the girl you fell for, I'm quiet and shy, silly and serious.  I care too much about everything in my life to the point that it all hurts me at some point.  I used to run away from it all, hide out when they all got too close but now, now I'd rather feel the ups and downs than to coast through the mundane, the consistent.  I'm the girl who doesn't need every day but the one who wants the years, the soul mate with lives entwined.  Coming and going but always to each other.  Carnal, primal.  Real.  Honest.

I get you - we're so much of the same.  But I don't know where we go from here.  I'm alone in my happiness while you're running away from such a great thing.  Turn around - you'll see it's not so bad.

MArch 23, 2012... classic rock memories...

Classic Rock on the radio.  Sitting near the water.  Early night where darkness has fully settled in but there is still some slight movement in the world.  It all came flooding back.  Long forgotten memories of years past.  Nearly two decades.  Alice Cooper and the Eagles brought it back.  Sitting near the river staring at the dock.  Waiting for you to arrive.  Red van then blue truck.  I can still picture them clearly every detail though your face blurs in my mind.  Budweiser soaked haze.  There's going to be a heartache tonight.

Cell phones didn't exist back then, quick phone calls the others house, fingers crossed a parent wouldn't answer.  Steppenwolf.   Illicit rendezvous though everyone knew.  Born to be wild... It was convenience more than anything, needs met without any pressure.  Emotionless.  Silent.  Perfect.  It was all I could handle back then.  All I could handle for such a long time.  Self-destructive.  Scared.  I wonder sometimes if I'm being punished now for all the hurt I caused back then.

Cheap Trick.  Thinking about him now.  Wanting him while I remember you.  I want him to want me.  Fully.  Like you wanted me then.  I'm stronger now then I was then though.  Know my limits.  My words.  I need to voice them though and he's now silent.  Emotionless.  Like I was back then.  Full circle?  I need you to need me.

This, I want this... to truly feel...

“I think it’s great for two people to be together. That is a good number. I think, that to keep it alive though, you can’t spend every day together. It wears out the magic, Love means nothing to me if it’s not fortified with fierce, painful longing, brief explosive instances of furious passion and intimacy and then a sad parting for a time. In that way, you can give your life to it and still have a life of your own. I think some couples spend too much time together. They flatten out the potential for experience by constant closeness. Passion builds over time like steam. Let it rage until it’s exhausted and then leave it alone to let it build up again. Why can’t love be insane and distorted? How can it be vital if it has the same threshold as normal day-to-day experience? Why can’t you write burning letters and let your nocturnal self smolder with desire for one who is not there? Why not let the days before you see her be excruciating and ferment in your mind so on the day you go to the airport to pick her up, you’re nearly sick with anticipation? And then when desire shows the first sign of contentment, throw it back in its cage and let it slowly build itself back into a state of starved fury. Then when you are together, it all matters. So that when you look into her eyes, you lose your balance, so that when she touches you, it feels like you have never been touched before. When she says your name, you think it was she who named you. When she has gone, you bury your face in the pillow to smell her hair and you lie awake at night remembering your face in her neck, her breathing and the amazing smell of her skin. Your eyes go wet because you want her so bad and miss her so much. Now that is worth the miles and the time. That matches the inferno of life. Otherwise you poison each other with your presence day after day as you drag each other through the inevitable mundane aspects of your lives. That is the slow death that I see slapped on faces everywhere I go. It’s part of the world’s sadness that’s more empty than cold, poorly lit rooms in cities of the American night.”

—	Henry Rollins

Thankful Things Thursday...

Things I’m thankful for today (Thankful Things Thursday is something I got from Ali on the Run’s blog)…

-The guys at my regular coffee shop (across from my office) not only know my name but also start to make my drink as they see me coming (flat white thank you very much).  Today it was made for me as I finished paying.  Super sweet!

-My crossfit coaches… they continually are helping me to get better everyday.  Last night I got to do toes to bar (T2B) again and it rocked thanks to the technique tips and feedback I got from Coach Tim during 12.3.  They actually felt easy and I could have probably strung together more than 4 in a row if my hands didn’t hurt so much.

-The body that I have - it’s healthy and now in better shape than ever (probably since my teens) because I have found crossfit and have (easily) adopted better eating habits (without portion control or calorie counting).  The weight is still dropping off without effort and I barely recognize my reflection as I walk down the road - I still think I’m bigger than I am.  I love my body the way it is and what it can do for me - my strength is amazing

-Knowing what I’m worth - it’s a struggle for me since I always see the best in people, can read through their shit but never have had the courage to call them on it.  That’s about to change because I’m worth it - if what I have to say forever pushes someone away then they’re not meant to be in my life.  I am strong enough to stand up for myself but also to walk away and still know that it’s not me who is the problem

-Living in Australia - it’s so far from everything I’ve ever known but the past 8.5 months have been outstanding.  I’ll be going ‘home’ for a visit in July (summer) and I swear I’ll be wearing jeans and a hoody thing it’s cold after all the 30+ weather we’ve had the past few months (I LOVE the heat)

What are you thankful for today?

March 20, 2012 - missing you even while you're here...

Too many other things to focus on than you and yet I can't get you out of my head... it's this missing - the missing you while you're right down the road, missing you more while you're here than the weeks when you're miles away. 

Don't take the easy route...

Life Decisions by Josh Bridges

"The easy things in life are not worth doing, because everyone can do them. It is the hard stuff that is worth your time and effort."

Especially applicable to my next post...

March 14, 2012 - on love?

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”

—	Zooey Deschanel

 
I had a friend who once told me "You fall in love too easily!" when I wrote about a trip to Alaska and I do at least in terms of the world at large, places and memories... people though -that's another story, I think I've only ever truly loved one other in a romantic sense... I long for that feeling again though, I'm open and hopeful... I know it'll come in time.

A Quote...

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day- those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

March 10, 2012

lifesaver kisses
I'm glad your backs
mirroring smiles
ocean waves
dolphins glistening in the sun
salty skin
tangled hair
bbq burgers
cold showers
40 degree
spectacular
an autumn day...