Reflections of 2012

Reflections of 2011 seemed easier as so many things changed in big ways last year.  This year was the opposite.  Though I’ve continued to learn and grow over the past year things stayed mostly the same and I am surprisingly comfortable with this fact.  I am excited going into 2013, I feel energized and settled and whole.  I am open to what it holds for me, the potential.  I feel ready now for things that I’ve wanted for so long that I was (probably) never ready for in the past.  Maybe it took a new beginning, a fresh start or perhaps I’ve only just now found the place that I feel I belong to.  Perth doesn’t feel temporary like Toronto and even Vancouver did.  It feels like home.

And so, my reflections on 2012 should to start with looking back on what I wanted when the year started.

I want to fall in love... truly, with someone who is willing to fall in love back…  I want a life, independent and entwined with someone else… Someone who challenges me and makes me better and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"

Love has started to catch me by surprise this year.  It’s no longer scary to me even while I start to fall in love with a boy who might possibly never love me back.  In the past I would have been terrified of this (I still am a little) but where I once would have held back out of fear of being left behind I now realize that opening my heart to love doesn’t make me lose control but rather  allows me full expression of my feelings, my choices, independent of any outside influence.  Being able to love without expectation is freeing in ways I never would have imagined.  In letting go of an assumed outcome I’ve been surprised at how open my heart can be.  I am conscious of the many moments that make my heart unguardedly swell with love, they don’t look like what I thought they would – they are simple and pure and innocent.  Random. Warm and honest and real.  No judgments and definitely no expectation. 

While I haven’t fallen fully in love in 2012 I am so much closer to it than I ever have been and I’m hopeful.  I believe in myself now, I’ve learned that this year.  I know I deserve (romantic) love in its most open and honest form and that it will happen, naturally, in time.  With patience.  And I’m sure it will surprise me too.  I have also opened my eyes to the love that surrounds me every day.  Family and friends, moments, connections.  It all looks different but still, I see it everywhere.  It’s humbling and satisfying and really what life is ultimately about.

I want to travel... far and wide, exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the culture and language, the pace and customs...

I really didn’t do much travel in 2012.  There was a brief long weekend down south with my parents and Justyn but that seemed all too brief.  There was the month spent back in North America but that felt all too familiar though was amazing to reconnect with old friends.  Most of 2012 was just spent living, being.  Finding happiness in the everyday rather than the bigger trips.  I do want to see more of the world but I don’t feel the need to constantly be on a plane, perhaps because everything is so much farther away from Perth.  I am happy where I am in this moment.

I don't want roots... I want freedom to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city, country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving - so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me.  Australia, South and Central America... "passport stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"

This one has definitely changed for me.  I’m not sure I can adequately express my feelings on it as they are in a bit of flux right now but I can see the value of roots.  Of surrounding myself with a community of people who are passionate and supportive and open.  That feeling of connectedness, not to a place but more to the people in it.  I have that here and perhaps that’s why I feel more settled than I’ve ever been.  I have friends who truly want the best for me, without need for anything in return.  And they get that back, unconditionally.  Happiness for all.  There is no competition of who is the best – just acceptance that we’re all different and pushing to be the best selves we can be.  It’s inspiring and encouraging.  So while actually owning a house isn’t something I can wrap my head around, I now see the beauty in being in one place – as I start to think about a family of my own, of child(ren) it feels right.  A home base.  To come and go from - my yearning to travel, to see the world, will always exist - but to have roots, a community, a place to call home, to be connected to – I want that. 

I want a job that I love, that challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing.  I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or structure.  I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that would sound like.

This is truer than ever.  Though 2012 saw me lose my old job it didn’t sadden me at all.  In fact it strengthened my resolve to stay in Australia, pushed me to find a new one.  Is it my dream one?  No.  But it does challenge me and I am good at it and I do enjoy it most of the time.  For now, until I can make more sense of what it is that I do want it works for me.  I still struggle with the writing though and I do need to make this more of a priority.  I have a (mostly) crossfit blog that has gotten almost 15,000 page views now but I want to write more creatively.  Share my stories somehow, make them clearer and more relatable.   I want a bigger outlet for my creativity overall and I still need to make it a priority.

I want to continue my quest to be stronger, better.  Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing the wonderful... moderation. 

I aced this in 2012.  Early in the year it started with a three week strict paleo ‘diet’ that taught me that eating healthier isn’t all that hard and that moderation in all things is key.  I’ve gotten heaps stronger throughout the year though at times my mind still struggles to comprehend this (I’m working on that one now).  My body is in the best physical shape that it’s ever been in and overall my head is too.  I still enjoy being lazy (at times) and chocolate (at times) and alcohol too (at times) but my life no longer revolves around these things as it seemingly once did.  Instead I choose to connect with friends over workouts, playing and laughing and beaching.  I’m comfortable with who I am and for 2013 this will be a continuation, a constant state of being for the rest of my life.

2013

So what do I want from this year.  I have sat with this thought over the last few weeks and I can honestly say I don’t know.  I am happy.  Truly and fully happy.  Sure, shit happens but I bounce back from it better than I ever have – seeing the lessons, learning to change the story that I spin on things – seeing the positive over the negative, trusting in the good.  ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ somehow became my motto in 2012 – mostly focused around crossfit workouts but when applied to everything else has the same effect.  If the answer isn’t death or dismemberment then it probably isn’t all that bad and I’ll carry this with me into 2013.

I truly don’t want for anything right now – not in my immediate future.  I do want a family, child(ren) but I don’t feel the need to rush that, I trust that it will happen in time if I keep being open to it.  I want to continue to feed my happiness, surround myself with people I love, do things that make me smile, be open to new challenges, experience everything in each moment, be vulnerable, connected and communicate from my heart.  These things can’t be wrapped into measurable goals and so I’m not going to try. I’m just going to live.  Today.  One day at a time rather than waiting on the future.  “To be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future”

2013-3

Love.  Being open and unafraid of it.  No expectations of it.  Just it.  Love.

Told someone I was falling in love with them today and it felt really good.  For no other reason that I got to share it.  Be vulnerable about and yet feel so safe in it.  Don't leave the words unsaid.

2013-2

Solo yoga by sunset on the front porch

2013-1

'Angie', 'Annie' and 'Grace' - 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 250 sit-ups, 100 squats, 150 double unders, 30 clean and jerks @ 45kg... numerous great friends, good bbq and surrounded by love and happiness... this year is going to kick ass!

December 2012

December 17, 2012

Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence.  Your silence.

My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again.  It’s a feeling, nestled deep.  Ebb and flow.  Captured clearly in your sad eyes.  My pattern when this happens is to grasp.  Grab.  To hold on tight out of fear.  But that’s never worked for me before.  Doesn’t work for you now.  So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away.  I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me.  To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly.  The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about.  The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me.  Without expectation or need but purely out of want.  A mutually open connection.

Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance.  Your silence.


December 16, 2012

Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days.  Recollections.  Reflections.

It could be the time of year.
     Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
     Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
     October turned into December
It could be the similarities

     The seasons

     The scenery

     Both of you offering not quite enough

     Guarded, stubborn, temporary 
It could be the differences

     Kisses burning my lips

     Consistent and generous words

     Passionate embraces disappearing in an instant

     Sparkling eyes and hugs that last for days

     Taking lives

     A love of life 

As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed.  A year gone by.  A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy.  You.

And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.

Sitting beside me.  Holding my hand and smiling.  Happy.  Together. 

November 18, 2012 - I need you too....

I missed you today.  I had to resist the million urges I had to message you silly things.  I needed you to miss me too,  if only a little.  I wonder though if you noticed I wasn't there. I haven't heard.  You've stopped reaching out to me lately.  No morning texts, no random calls.  When I'm upset, hurting you're there reaching out but on the other days it's always a response to me.  Maybe I don't make it simple.  Safe.  But that's just who I am.  You know that.  I've realized too that I'm not good at needing people, it's a bit harder to care for me but I need it all the same.  Maybe even more.

I watched you last night - time and time again you reached out to your best friends but not to me.  In many ways I'm jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they get the you that I want.  The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness.  I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate, gentlemanly - this thing you do for them.  Them.  But as I sat back and watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?

I question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets?  All I did last night was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me.  You responded too, every time.  Responded.  Reacted.  No action though.  Nothing specifically for me except what I stole.  I don't want to be a thief.  I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or more.  Give and take.  Reciprocal.  There's no true happiness any other way. 

Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me.  Randomly.  The boy who suggests dinner and documentaries.  Who calls me, just because and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I blissfully drift to sleep.  I see it from a distance across a crowded room, eyes searching for my blue shirt.  In a caress on my back in a bookstore.   I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity coming out.  Grasping.

I need the man who can agree that a hug feels great rather than changing the subject.  Deflecting.  I need the man who grabs my hand first because he just can't stop himself.   The one who spins me around in a joyful dance.  The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little and who is vulnerable enough to need me too.  The man who wants me as much as I want him - equal.  But you've been clear - you're not that man.  At least not yet.

Everything logically tells me you're falling for me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in.  Your silence, your retreat.  I have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems.   I know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the bottom either.  I need you too it just looks different.  You'll see.

september 13, 2012... a kickstart

This blog is coming back to life... I was inspired this morning and while those words will take a bit more time to reach the white of this space I know that I need to write.  I can't promise every day, I can't force the words like I did last time but I do need more focus, so I'm putting it here.  More words, weekly at least. 

I figure if I can nudge a good friend into writing more for my benefit I can do so myself for whomever may be interested in my words.  And more importantly, to write the words for myself, for clarity.  To grow.  I need to purge them now and then, let them see the light so I can learn. 

There is a lot going on in my life right now but at the end of it all it distills down to happiness in the simplest of forms.  I am happy.  Life is simple.  I will write.

august 30, 2012 - it sounded different today...

Ever hear a song and it just fits the moment perfectly?  It could be a song you've heard a million times before in a many different places but for some reason in one specific moment it goes beyond words and sounds and blends in with the world around you, the vastness, the emptiness, the lyrics taking on a deeper meaning at that point in time?  That happened to me today... my thoughts were wrapped up in you.  Wondering, worrying, wanting to throw my arms around you and not let go.  One big hug saying more than any words ever could.  The song was Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol but it wasn't the album version, it's the live version recorded at Union Chapel and it's haunting and full of yearning and in that moment this afternoon as I walked out into the sunshine and let the weight of today sink over me it came on… it stopped me where I stood and suddenly took on new meaning and wrapped itself in you.  I know you're okay, you told me you would be - it would be and I believe you with everything in me.  I know I'll see your face soon enough, that cheeky grin that lights up your eyes.  I will feel your strong arms wrap around me and we'll lie beside each other and talk about ridiculous things and we'll laugh and enjoy that moment, a little bit of normal - it's all I can offer you, all that you've ever wanted and maybe that's just enough.

august 14th - it's simple really...

I want to be your friend.  I try to be your friend.  When I find myself giving up on being your friend you shock me.  In person.  You're warm and welcoming and it makes me question everything.  Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that I think you are cute and sweet but you are, it's true.  Why hold that back?  It doesn't mean I want you, another boy a million miles away holds that spot for me - though that first hug did catch me by surprise.  I wonder if my seeing you regularly - in passing - is what keeps us from hanging out - no need to make time for someone you see so often... but there's so much more to share, stories to be told though I find myself giving up, tired of asking.  It shouldn't be this hard, it's simple really.  I want to be your friend.

7/3... a rush of emotions

I thought of you today when I heard the news...

Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...

I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part.  The unknown, the unknowing.  But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey.  I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.

I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now.  But know that you're in my thoughts, every day.  I smile when I remember something silly.  I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days.  I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with.  Your last words though, they echo through my mind.  It will be okay.  I trust that.  It will be okay.