Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me but at least respect me enough to say so.  I get that you're a professed 'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave you alone say so, it's not really that complicated.  It's all on you...

Thankful(?) Things Thursday

So thursday's are supposed to be for thankful things so lets see what we can do about it after this revelation...

-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that.  It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...

-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim

So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?

May 21, 2012

You're still here and already I miss you.  Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be.  I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to.  You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world.  I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this.  If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that.  But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears.  I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss.  A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this.  I can't ask anymore.  We both know now that it's completely up to you.  Everything is up to you.

One

May 20, 2012

I promise to never cry when you leave.  Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'.  I will never cry - at least not in your presence.

Over the past week the tears have come.  Unexpectedly.  Unrelentingly.  They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least.  And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach.  A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.

The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe.  No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already.  For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me.  They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you  more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much.  I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people.  Together.  But this time it's harder...

All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief.  But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months.  Months.  A year.  I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable.  It's daunting.  And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect.  I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters.  These letters to you.