Today 'Claudia' and I got it on and I won out in the end... it was painful and challenging and I hated every minute of it - though I only once looked at the clock. I cursed every step on the 400m runs and dreaded the next one before even finishing the one I was on.
For those that don't know - 'Claudia' is one of the benchmark crossfit WOD's (workout of the day)... it consists of:
5 rounds for time
20 kettle ball swings (16kg/ 35lbs - as prescribed Rx)
400m run
My finishing time: 19:26
This was the first WOD that I Rx-ed in the month that I've been doing crossfit. It was hard.
Now that it's done I find it difficult to accurately capture how I was feeling in that 20 minute period. There was full range of emotions from some doubt at the beginning as Jeni convinced both Vicki and I that we could do 16kg kettleballs (and as I nervously eyed the 14). There was the dreaded 3...2...1... beeping of the clock and then not giving it a second thought as I banged through the first 20 kb swings and was out the door. Feeling fine but dreading the next 4 rounds and visualizing every.single.step of the 400m course. Rounds two and three were just a matter of pushing through - one swing at a time, one step at a time, keep moving - no walking... the 'I can do this' mantra going through my head - the 'this is what crossfit is all about'...
Round 4... get into the box and bang out a solid 10 swings... then 5... Tim comes around - 'how many more?' - gasping for breath I show him 5 fingers... and he cheers me on - watches as the first one goes right over my head...4...3...2...1... out the door... keep pushing. The girls were awesome - every time we passed another encouraging word as we all gasped for air. Keep going... good work... keep going... going...
Round 5... I was the only one in the box for the swings, everyone else was done or out on their last 400m. Tim - cheering, counting, encouraging... 'Knock them out 5 at a time'... I do 10. Break. Emotion hitting hard... I got this. 5 more. Breath. Tears in my eyes. Increasing my mental limits. Stronger. Further. More... more. 5 more and done... out the door. Last 400m on my own. Full darkness. Keep running... one more step... one less step... keep.on.going...
I knew there were people waiting on me, cheering me on as I ran from a distance but it was inspiring to come around the corner for the last 100m and see Tim and Vicki - who although just finishing herself was back out to cheer me on, bring me home. I picked up the pace - how could I not with Tim bouncing spryly beside me - one.last.sprint. One step at a time. Vicki 'this is fast!'... round the last pylon, into the box and look at the clock... 19:26... under 20. I did it. Collapsed on the floor, high fives and congrats.
Glad it was over. Writing my time on the board. Pride, lots of pride. I may have finished last but I climbed a huge wall and it wasn't physical. I conquered a demon today - I not only beat 'Claudia' but I beat part of myself, my doubt. Today I broke down mental barriers. Realized the huge capacity within myself to just keep going. To know that there is support as I tackle this and people to cheer me on... this is life in it's essence.
And I also must add - afterwards, I felt like a little proud little kid with a gold star from the teacher though today mine was just a happy face beside the Rx that Jeni added for me. Thanks you guys it was an amazing day!
31 August 2011
30 August 2011
Day 11...
Today's post isn't about the words but rather an addition to my 'writing' to do list...
Namely, I want to try writing for someone else - to tell their story - help them shape the words in their head, bring them to life. I want to capture their passion and essence in words on paper (on screen) for them to hold, to represent their true identity. I don't know if I can and I find it quite scary to contemplate but I do want to try... I put the offer out there and while I doubt in this case it will be accepted I will keep trying, until someone lets me in, shares their thoughts, feelings, words... out loud.
Namely, I want to try writing for someone else - to tell their story - help them shape the words in their head, bring them to life. I want to capture their passion and essence in words on paper (on screen) for them to hold, to represent their true identity. I don't know if I can and I find it quite scary to contemplate but I do want to try... I put the offer out there and while I doubt in this case it will be accepted I will keep trying, until someone lets me in, shares their thoughts, feelings, words... out loud.
29 August 2011
Day 10...
Crossfit... it's something that is changing me in so many ways. My body is transforming, getting stronger, skinnier, healthier. More capable. My mind is also following trend - strengthening - making me realize that sometimes the limitations really are only mental, not physical. And the community - it's enveloping me - introducing me to wonderful people - everyone with such different stories, backgrounds and yet we are all motivated by the same thing - to be better, stronger, fully capable. It's an awesome dynamic and why I crave going to the box all the time - why I'm there 3 times a week. Why I suffer through the sweat and the pain to shed myself of my doubts, my fears. Push my limits. Change them.
As Tim, our fine coach put it:
"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome". "Totally fucked.. but awesome."
Crossfit... awesome in every way.
As Tim, our fine coach put it:
"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome". "Totally fucked.. but awesome."
Crossfit... awesome in every way.
Day 9...
Two months in Perth today! Time flies. I feel like I've done so little but at the same time so much. I've met some really cool people, made some solid connections with some, others have already come and gone and there are many still to come. Life is still good even in the brief moments of sadness. I keep reminding myself of this. I know that I need to let go of things holding me back. People. But I'm just not ready yet. Stuck grasping on as always, my trend, even though it's bringing me nothing. And it's sad really as he started out so full of promise. I know I am strong, awesome... but sometimes 'friends' -him - really can make you feel otherwise. But there are brighter things to dwell on... Happy.
Today I ran 12km and was supported by beautiful people - before the race, after (thanks for the water Kirst) and I met a new friend on the journey home. New only in the sense that I've worked out with him at the box, struggled and sweated side by side. Suffered. But today I got to hear his story. Learn about him and his life.
Andy, you are awesome and your girl is too - I don't really know her but your adventures together tell me that. A connection made, solidified from half a world away and now blossoming in this beautiful city we now all call home. Soulful connection. Deepening bonds. A love story. Hope.
And Jack - another true inspiration - you and your brother are inspiring teenagers - but today you rocked it - a marathon - couch to marathon, sub 5 hours!! Be proud - even in your lingering pain. And keep living your dreams - you both have the support of all of us around you - our chance to reflect on our own years, what we had accomplished at your age and it pales in comparison, it truly does. Know that your dreams are inspiring my own - every day - and that when mine some day come true (as I know they will) - I'll remember that morning - the 5 of us, a simple breakfast in the sunshine, our dreams as big as the ocean - laid bare in front of each other... I hope we are still in touch then - 5, 10 years. A celebration for how far we'll all get - encouraged and inspired by each other.
Today I ran 12km and was supported by beautiful people - before the race, after (thanks for the water Kirst) and I met a new friend on the journey home. New only in the sense that I've worked out with him at the box, struggled and sweated side by side. Suffered. But today I got to hear his story. Learn about him and his life.
Andy, you are awesome and your girl is too - I don't really know her but your adventures together tell me that. A connection made, solidified from half a world away and now blossoming in this beautiful city we now all call home. Soulful connection. Deepening bonds. A love story. Hope.
And Jack - another true inspiration - you and your brother are inspiring teenagers - but today you rocked it - a marathon - couch to marathon, sub 5 hours!! Be proud - even in your lingering pain. And keep living your dreams - you both have the support of all of us around you - our chance to reflect on our own years, what we had accomplished at your age and it pales in comparison, it truly does. Know that your dreams are inspiring my own - every day - and that when mine some day come true (as I know they will) - I'll remember that morning - the 5 of us, a simple breakfast in the sunshine, our dreams as big as the ocean - laid bare in front of each other... I hope we are still in touch then - 5, 10 years. A celebration for how far we'll all get - encouraged and inspired by each other.
27 August 2011
Day 8...
I sit on this bench near the ocean like I did nearly a year ago - but it was a different ocean that time, I was a different person. I was more settled than I am in this instant. My future so clear to me then - a calm assuredness that it was right there ready for me to grab it. But I've learned a new lesson now - I can be ready but if I try to grab on too hard it slips away. Like sand in my hand - I have to remain still lest it slip through my fingers. My hand can be ready to hold on but there will always be cracks. I am ready - but it all seems so out of my control - I wonder how it will ever happen - doubts about our connections as humans - it's a shift that has come over me because the biggest connection I thought I had made since journeying around the world has slipped away from me - out of my grasp and there's nothing more I can do to hang on and still I struggle to let go.
I know he's near by - I am writing these words while sitting at the beach that he introduced me to on a day that seems to long ago - the water seems so calm like it did that day but the wind tells a different story. It's got an edge to it that mimics my feelings, my sadness. I don't want to see him and yet I do. Conflict. What I truly want is him to reach out - to want to see me but he's selfish - more consumed in himself than the fragile egos of others. Everything on the surface, everything only him. And so I remain on the periphery looking for more - looking to connect - pure connection with someone who believes in the connection right back. Yet I'm afraid to put myself out there again - afraid of letting go.
*****
These are the words from when I sat on that other ocean - on the edge of English Bay almost a year ago...
Summer's fading. I sense the chill settling in for a long and grey winter and I feel surprisingly light. Optimistic about the future. The warm sunshiny days buoyed my spirit through the past six months but now the warmth resides in my soul. Radiating from my insides. The chill surrounds me but it can't penetrate. I'm happy throughout my being. My body is responding. Growing. Evolving.
The leaves on the tree above my head are changing colours like the thoughts rooted deep inside me. I question my future while seeing it so vividly. A cozy cottage in the country. Rustic. Warm. It's everything I am. Rooted. The stories fill the walls but are slow to escape. Like me. I see someone here with me, obscured by the shadows. Just out of view. A man who is moments away from enveloping me in his strong arms. A beautiful finishing touch to all that I am. Independent. Together.
In this moment I sit listening to the waves hit the shore in the midst of the city. So far from that future that I feel is just out of reach. Not so far away. Such contrast. I'm confused still on how to get there - jump this great divide. I struggle with the vast difference between there and here while remaining undeniably calm in my being. I'm confident that I'll get there in time. I'm aware that I've still got lessons to learn. Learning. I know in my heart that my future will be there. In time. And it will be beautiful.
I know he's near by - I am writing these words while sitting at the beach that he introduced me to on a day that seems to long ago - the water seems so calm like it did that day but the wind tells a different story. It's got an edge to it that mimics my feelings, my sadness. I don't want to see him and yet I do. Conflict. What I truly want is him to reach out - to want to see me but he's selfish - more consumed in himself than the fragile egos of others. Everything on the surface, everything only him. And so I remain on the periphery looking for more - looking to connect - pure connection with someone who believes in the connection right back. Yet I'm afraid to put myself out there again - afraid of letting go.
*****
These are the words from when I sat on that other ocean - on the edge of English Bay almost a year ago...
Summer's fading. I sense the chill settling in for a long and grey winter and I feel surprisingly light. Optimistic about the future. The warm sunshiny days buoyed my spirit through the past six months but now the warmth resides in my soul. Radiating from my insides. The chill surrounds me but it can't penetrate. I'm happy throughout my being. My body is responding. Growing. Evolving.
The leaves on the tree above my head are changing colours like the thoughts rooted deep inside me. I question my future while seeing it so vividly. A cozy cottage in the country. Rustic. Warm. It's everything I am. Rooted. The stories fill the walls but are slow to escape. Like me. I see someone here with me, obscured by the shadows. Just out of view. A man who is moments away from enveloping me in his strong arms. A beautiful finishing touch to all that I am. Independent. Together.
In this moment I sit listening to the waves hit the shore in the midst of the city. So far from that future that I feel is just out of reach. Not so far away. Such contrast. I'm confused still on how to get there - jump this great divide. I struggle with the vast difference between there and here while remaining undeniably calm in my being. I'm confident that I'll get there in time. I'm aware that I've still got lessons to learn. Learning. I know in my heart that my future will be there. In time. And it will be beautiful.
26 August 2011
Day 7...
There are no words today and I'm thankful finally for the silence. The calm.
I wonder how things might have been different if I'd have been this settled, this serene when we met.
I wonder how things might have been different if I'd have been this settled, this serene when we met.
25 August 2011
Day 6...
Choices. We all get them. It's the one true thing we have in life.
We get to choose to be happy or sad. Choose to live in the moment or in the past. And we get to choose the influence others get to have on us. We can take on their problems as our own or we can understand that sometimes things are just beyond our control. Keep our heads held high and rely on our inner strength.
We get to choose to be happy or sad. Choose to live in the moment or in the past. And we get to choose the influence others get to have on us. We can take on their problems as our own or we can understand that sometimes things are just beyond our control. Keep our heads held high and rely on our inner strength.
Day 5...
Life is full of surprises... sometimes they scare the shit out of you (literally!) but in a completely good way... unexpected nonetheless. Left with a smile.
And it's funny how the surprises just keep coming...
Edit:
Will it ever stop - my words to you? Maybe in time but as usual I still have so much to say... this shouldn't be surprising. You made me confront you again tonight - in a completely uncomfortable way but you really left me no choice - you retreated... back to your comfort zone, hiding behind your phone, your ex girlfriend, your tired excuses. It's funny how the light of day can change things - sobering us up to run back to where we feel safe. Funny - how our truest selves come forth in intoxication - and while I'd like to think I'm delusional, seeing more than there actually is... I know I'm not. Your uncensored self stood in my doorway last night, curled up to me in bed. Used words not easily spoken, asked for trust in our future. Your truest self. And while there wasn't much need to apologize in the moment I can see where you might get hung up on the result - embarassed even - your actions, inactions perhaps a reason for retreat? I know you're still running - it's why you can't say things straight to my face - still reach for the hugs. I find it sadly amusing but it's way beyond my control.
I can't push anymore - last night was my one last stand and you took it - showed up at my door only to retreat through today. One final act of control it seems... I'm ok, but I'm not sure that you are. I see your sad eyes - the ones that can't quite look at me - the ones that make excuses rather than take that bold step. I can seeing you running back into familiar patterns - the ones that you told me didn't work before. Contradicting thoughts - of it being too intense too soon and yet also not enough up front. Conflicted. You talked about the future in the darkness, slightly in the daylight and then pulled back... way back. I think you're still scared, the courageous buzz worn off, scared that I didn't back down - that though I didn't confront you in the midnight hour I did stand firm on getting it from you - but with distance that doesn't happen. Won't happen. And it's why you put out the bait again this evening - and I took it... surprised?
You are a good person but you need time - I can see that - time with yourself to figure out what you want to be. Who you want to be. Who you want to be with. I think you're starting to realize that too. I hope you take the time truly, looking toward the future rather than holding on to the past, going back for more. I hope you find the simplicity and beauty in life. I hope your eyes find the sparkle that they had with me.
And I'll go back to the last words I left you with -before you ingested my writing and knocked on my door.... it's the ones you'll reread countless times over wondering if you made the right choice - the retreat... and those words are this:
I know our story isn't done yet... I can't explain why but it's something I believe in.... we are only just beginning, our chapter is long, we have so much to learn from each other, to teach... I know that this is only the start.
Find the sparkle... find your happiness.
And it's funny how the surprises just keep coming...
Edit:
Will it ever stop - my words to you? Maybe in time but as usual I still have so much to say... this shouldn't be surprising. You made me confront you again tonight - in a completely uncomfortable way but you really left me no choice - you retreated... back to your comfort zone, hiding behind your phone, your ex girlfriend, your tired excuses. It's funny how the light of day can change things - sobering us up to run back to where we feel safe. Funny - how our truest selves come forth in intoxication - and while I'd like to think I'm delusional, seeing more than there actually is... I know I'm not. Your uncensored self stood in my doorway last night, curled up to me in bed. Used words not easily spoken, asked for trust in our future. Your truest self. And while there wasn't much need to apologize in the moment I can see where you might get hung up on the result - embarassed even - your actions, inactions perhaps a reason for retreat? I know you're still running - it's why you can't say things straight to my face - still reach for the hugs. I find it sadly amusing but it's way beyond my control.
I can't push anymore - last night was my one last stand and you took it - showed up at my door only to retreat through today. One final act of control it seems... I'm ok, but I'm not sure that you are. I see your sad eyes - the ones that can't quite look at me - the ones that make excuses rather than take that bold step. I can seeing you running back into familiar patterns - the ones that you told me didn't work before. Contradicting thoughts - of it being too intense too soon and yet also not enough up front. Conflicted. You talked about the future in the darkness, slightly in the daylight and then pulled back... way back. I think you're still scared, the courageous buzz worn off, scared that I didn't back down - that though I didn't confront you in the midnight hour I did stand firm on getting it from you - but with distance that doesn't happen. Won't happen. And it's why you put out the bait again this evening - and I took it... surprised?
You are a good person but you need time - I can see that - time with yourself to figure out what you want to be. Who you want to be. Who you want to be with. I think you're starting to realize that too. I hope you take the time truly, looking toward the future rather than holding on to the past, going back for more. I hope you find the simplicity and beauty in life. I hope your eyes find the sparkle that they had with me.
And I'll go back to the last words I left you with -before you ingested my writing and knocked on my door.... it's the ones you'll reread countless times over wondering if you made the right choice - the retreat... and those words are this:
I know our story isn't done yet... I can't explain why but it's something I believe in.... we are only just beginning, our chapter is long, we have so much to learn from each other, to teach... I know that this is only the start.
Find the sparkle... find your happiness.
23 August 2011
Day 4...
Today has been a struggle for me. I'm a little scattered. Contradicting emotions. Both ready to let go and terrified to do so. I'm ready only because when I take action I'll also be laying everything on the line - no holding back and that terrifies me just as much.
How do we learn to trust another with our truest of feelings, asking them to keep them safe but never quite knowing what might happen. And even worse - doing this in the face of 'see you around'? It's the ultimate test isn't it? Courage and strength, fear and trepidation? True conflict. Contradiction. But isn't that the thing... the biggest risks are worth it. And I'd like to think it gets easier but I know it never does. The difference is only in perspective... the ability to walk on through. To know we define ourselves - our harshest critic lives within us. Our strength comes from deep inside - from our roots, from those that love us from near and far - unconditionally. Yes, romantic love is a scary proposition but platonic love still surrounds us and will keep us afloat.
Edit: So I did it... put all my trust and faith in another person that has absolutely nothing to offer me at this time. I shared with him my writing - put it all in his hands - my true feelings and thoughts, uncensored. A final hug and kiss and I was off... tears in my eyes and a smile on my face... emotions still contradicting. But I am good. I feel good for giving him a part of me, unconditionally, without any knowledge of what he might do with that piece. And in that moment, I was strong, I could see him just as he was. Fearful of not being strong enough, of holding on to the independence he spent many years cultivating - standing on his own two feet, support from only himself. And while he didn't completely acknowledge my assumptions it truly was written on his face in the darkness. He's a little lost right now, doesn't know where to go but still dreams of having it all. He just needs to believe he CAN have it... but that requires time, nothing but his introspection and time.
It's funny too, while writing to him... I thought my ability to see people was almost a curse - how I struggle so much because I know I can't change people, can't shake them into seeing the potential that they have. But with him... maybe I will be a difference. Perhaps my recognition of his true soul will help him sort through it, figure it out for the next girl that comes along - the next girl... for I have only an ember of hope that he'll change his mind about me. I want him to but I can't bank on that... that would leave me broken. It's funny though... he still asked for more time... keeps hanging on even through all my pushing and impatience. Me, the girl that he can't control but yet likes completely how I am... there is always another contradiction...
How do we learn to trust another with our truest of feelings, asking them to keep them safe but never quite knowing what might happen. And even worse - doing this in the face of 'see you around'? It's the ultimate test isn't it? Courage and strength, fear and trepidation? True conflict. Contradiction. But isn't that the thing... the biggest risks are worth it. And I'd like to think it gets easier but I know it never does. The difference is only in perspective... the ability to walk on through. To know we define ourselves - our harshest critic lives within us. Our strength comes from deep inside - from our roots, from those that love us from near and far - unconditionally. Yes, romantic love is a scary proposition but platonic love still surrounds us and will keep us afloat.
Edit: So I did it... put all my trust and faith in another person that has absolutely nothing to offer me at this time. I shared with him my writing - put it all in his hands - my true feelings and thoughts, uncensored. A final hug and kiss and I was off... tears in my eyes and a smile on my face... emotions still contradicting. But I am good. I feel good for giving him a part of me, unconditionally, without any knowledge of what he might do with that piece. And in that moment, I was strong, I could see him just as he was. Fearful of not being strong enough, of holding on to the independence he spent many years cultivating - standing on his own two feet, support from only himself. And while he didn't completely acknowledge my assumptions it truly was written on his face in the darkness. He's a little lost right now, doesn't know where to go but still dreams of having it all. He just needs to believe he CAN have it... but that requires time, nothing but his introspection and time.
It's funny too, while writing to him... I thought my ability to see people was almost a curse - how I struggle so much because I know I can't change people, can't shake them into seeing the potential that they have. But with him... maybe I will be a difference. Perhaps my recognition of his true soul will help him sort through it, figure it out for the next girl that comes along - the next girl... for I have only an ember of hope that he'll change his mind about me. I want him to but I can't bank on that... that would leave me broken. It's funny though... he still asked for more time... keeps hanging on even through all my pushing and impatience. Me, the girl that he can't control but yet likes completely how I am... there is always another contradiction...
22 August 2011
Day 3...
Relationships are a funny thing... we all have them and they take on many different forms but we can't control them. We just have to trust in them and see where that takes us. I've learned through moving half way around the world to not take them for granted.
I woke up to a beautiful email from a dear friend today - she is going through some tough times but amazingly is still seeing the beauty in the world - understanding that the universe has a plan for her if she just listens. And all her words were written to me - to tell me this: "I love you for the amazing person you are and the ever more amazing person you are actively striving to become!" It brought tears to my eyes. It was beautiful. And while I cherish her love (and feel it through the distance every day) it was that she chose to tell me... that is what warmed my heart. It was a completely selfless act that made my day that much better.
And yesterday taught me a lesson - I write better to specific people rather than to the "general public" and so Tanja, today this one is for you:
Darling T,
You truly brightened my day, brought both a smile and tears to my eyes. I cherish your words dearly and even more than that I love that you told me - I find so many times we hold back on what we feel - somehow expect the other person to know. I think the world would be such a better place if we just replaced our fears with uncensored expression - shared our love and compassion - we'd all be happier.
It's a funny thing moving half way around the world as you know. And the thing that surprises me the most is seeing relationships grow, start, end and stay exactly as they were even through the distance....
There are people that I miss dearly but know that things will never be as they were, lives diverging in different ways. And while those people will always be a part of my life they won't be that central link anymore the side kick that they once were and that's ok. It's ok because for a period of time they were exactly what I needed - a shoulder to cry on, endless and unconditional support, great friends for laughing and singing and playing.
There are people that I never expected to stay in touch with that I have. They are there through the distance and timezones even though I probably took them for granted a little too much when we were in the same city. These people continue to teach me about myself, make me realize that there really is only today and we have to make the most of it. They make me smile and connected to the place I still call home. And I'm aware of them now, I'm giving back more and enjoying the foundations that these connections are gaining through the safety of distance.
There are people that I have only just met. Starting again all over again. And while it doesn't get easier it does start to change - values, characteristics. I find myself gravitating towards inspirational people, those that are doers, those who are much like me on the inside. And I've learned that sometimes it's ok to just not get on with someone - that it isn't a reflection of ourselves but more just a differing moment in time. There is a boy here who I adore and I can see his beauty but he isn't ready to yet - he's still scared - the person I was so many years ago. Maybe that's where the connection lies - why I can see his soul. And I realized today that although he isn't ready for me, I'm still able to give him my love and support, compassion and strength - whatever he needs, whatever he's able to accept and it no longer takes away from who I am like it once did. I'm strong on my own, defined as my own, am surrounded by love and everything I have to offer him just strengthens who I am.
There are people that continue to remain who they always were in my life - pillars of strength and comfort. The ones that no matter the time or the need or days that have passed will always be there for me. Will continue to be a part of my life forever. You my dear are one of these amazing people. You inspire me along with your handsome husband and you support me in my adventures and growth, through my struggles and tears. No matter where we both end up I know I'll be able to find you somewhere. And I value that dearly, I hope you realize this. I love you and your beauty and will be here for you always.
And so I thank you for your words - for being brave in this world and sharing them with me so selflessly. These words are for you!
I miss you!!!
J.
I woke up to a beautiful email from a dear friend today - she is going through some tough times but amazingly is still seeing the beauty in the world - understanding that the universe has a plan for her if she just listens. And all her words were written to me - to tell me this: "I love you for the amazing person you are and the ever more amazing person you are actively striving to become!" It brought tears to my eyes. It was beautiful. And while I cherish her love (and feel it through the distance every day) it was that she chose to tell me... that is what warmed my heart. It was a completely selfless act that made my day that much better.
And yesterday taught me a lesson - I write better to specific people rather than to the "general public" and so Tanja, today this one is for you:
Darling T,
You truly brightened my day, brought both a smile and tears to my eyes. I cherish your words dearly and even more than that I love that you told me - I find so many times we hold back on what we feel - somehow expect the other person to know. I think the world would be such a better place if we just replaced our fears with uncensored expression - shared our love and compassion - we'd all be happier.
It's a funny thing moving half way around the world as you know. And the thing that surprises me the most is seeing relationships grow, start, end and stay exactly as they were even through the distance....
There are people that I miss dearly but know that things will never be as they were, lives diverging in different ways. And while those people will always be a part of my life they won't be that central link anymore the side kick that they once were and that's ok. It's ok because for a period of time they were exactly what I needed - a shoulder to cry on, endless and unconditional support, great friends for laughing and singing and playing.
There are people that I never expected to stay in touch with that I have. They are there through the distance and timezones even though I probably took them for granted a little too much when we were in the same city. These people continue to teach me about myself, make me realize that there really is only today and we have to make the most of it. They make me smile and connected to the place I still call home. And I'm aware of them now, I'm giving back more and enjoying the foundations that these connections are gaining through the safety of distance.
There are people that I have only just met. Starting again all over again. And while it doesn't get easier it does start to change - values, characteristics. I find myself gravitating towards inspirational people, those that are doers, those who are much like me on the inside. And I've learned that sometimes it's ok to just not get on with someone - that it isn't a reflection of ourselves but more just a differing moment in time. There is a boy here who I adore and I can see his beauty but he isn't ready to yet - he's still scared - the person I was so many years ago. Maybe that's where the connection lies - why I can see his soul. And I realized today that although he isn't ready for me, I'm still able to give him my love and support, compassion and strength - whatever he needs, whatever he's able to accept and it no longer takes away from who I am like it once did. I'm strong on my own, defined as my own, am surrounded by love and everything I have to offer him just strengthens who I am.
There are people that continue to remain who they always were in my life - pillars of strength and comfort. The ones that no matter the time or the need or days that have passed will always be there for me. Will continue to be a part of my life forever. You my dear are one of these amazing people. You inspire me along with your handsome husband and you support me in my adventures and growth, through my struggles and tears. No matter where we both end up I know I'll be able to find you somewhere. And I value that dearly, I hope you realize this. I love you and your beauty and will be here for you always.
And so I thank you for your words - for being brave in this world and sharing them with me so selflessly. These words are for you!
I miss you!!!
J.
21 August 2011
Day 2...
People intrigue me. I find them fascinating and frustrating. Inspirational.
Fascinating because of the power that each of us hold within us. The things we all have the tools to accomplish. And the strength that we carry within us.
Frustrating because at times - with specific people at least - the power and strength is but a dim flicker. The untapped potential left to dry up through the years behind fear and security. A loss of the dreams we had as children to be superheros and other extraordinary beings. When we are young, the sky is the limit and through the years and experiences this flame is slowly suffocated - it's hard not to let it happen as the world can be a cruel and hurtful place - but isn't it the same world we were in a children? A shift of perspective.
Today I challenge you to be bold - do something scary - take a risk - you might just get more than you were hoping for - and if not? Are you really worse off? If it doesn't kill you - or perhaps deeply wound - you'll grow - become that inspiration that we all cherish.
-This brought to you by my struggles with a boy who I've been dating - who has so much to offer but he hides it - doesn't know how to let love in - but has a big heart. He has been hurt too many times - backing off before anything gets a chance to get started because it might now work out - take a chance - life might surprise you... and it's also brought to you by a "date" I went on today - a meeting of a new person more specifically. A very boring and awkward person. Genuine - perhaps but not someone for me. But I took a chance - put myself out there even when I didn't really want to go... and learned something. Funny how life is sometimes.
(I don't actually like this piece - I like the idea but it needs to be re-written - from a more personal perspective - I'm holding back here - typing it out from my journal I can feel this... it's not from my heart, it's in my heart but not yet ready to come out or perhaps because I know certain people might read it I've held back... it's not fair to him to be so exposed. The words I need to say are being written elsewhere for him alone, I hope he sees them one day!)
Fascinating because of the power that each of us hold within us. The things we all have the tools to accomplish. And the strength that we carry within us.
Frustrating because at times - with specific people at least - the power and strength is but a dim flicker. The untapped potential left to dry up through the years behind fear and security. A loss of the dreams we had as children to be superheros and other extraordinary beings. When we are young, the sky is the limit and through the years and experiences this flame is slowly suffocated - it's hard not to let it happen as the world can be a cruel and hurtful place - but isn't it the same world we were in a children? A shift of perspective.
Today I challenge you to be bold - do something scary - take a risk - you might just get more than you were hoping for - and if not? Are you really worse off? If it doesn't kill you - or perhaps deeply wound - you'll grow - become that inspiration that we all cherish.
-This brought to you by my struggles with a boy who I've been dating - who has so much to offer but he hides it - doesn't know how to let love in - but has a big heart. He has been hurt too many times - backing off before anything gets a chance to get started because it might now work out - take a chance - life might surprise you... and it's also brought to you by a "date" I went on today - a meeting of a new person more specifically. A very boring and awkward person. Genuine - perhaps but not someone for me. But I took a chance - put myself out there even when I didn't really want to go... and learned something. Funny how life is sometimes.
(I don't actually like this piece - I like the idea but it needs to be re-written - from a more personal perspective - I'm holding back here - typing it out from my journal I can feel this... it's not from my heart, it's in my heart but not yet ready to come out or perhaps because I know certain people might read it I've held back... it's not fair to him to be so exposed. The words I need to say are being written elsewhere for him alone, I hope he sees them one day!)
20 August 2011
A start... (20 August 2011)
This morning I was lucky enough to share breakfast with some beautiful people (Match, Kirsten, Jack, Tim) in a stunning setting - sitting in the sunshine overlooking the ocean after an awesome, challenging and fun workout.
It was sitting here, enjoying each other and the intellectual conversation that Match shared with us his experience last week up in Broome. He inspired us to have a vision, to have goals - big shiny anything you can dream up ten year goals. And then - break that down into how you get there - one step each day towards something... whatever your heart desires. It was only just a start but here, big and small, I put out to my friends, to the universe, what my heart desires. What on this day I see my future looking like, nothing to hold me back.
-I want a FAMILY - a partner and a child. My partner will love me literally for better and worse, will challenge me, know when to push and know when to give me space. And in return I will do the same. We will choose each other everyday over all else. Partners in every sense. And our child... an innocent being - the future undefined, wide open. They will get our support and encouragement for anything they could ever dream of (just like I was lucky to have).
-I want a career that let's me be mobile - travel when I want to but still provide for my family. I don't want roots but connections to many different places. Always adventuring, exploring, LEARNING...
-I want to be a writer - have a book published. Express my thoughts. I don't know what the story is yet but I love words - like to write. It will come.
And in the shorter term... I'm putting these goals out there too because I learned today that when people know them they want to help, support, encourage - and it's already taken shape...
-I want to finish the Doctor race in January 2012 - paddle my surfski from Rottnest Island to Sorrento Beach - a 28km downwinder. Kirsten and Match have already mentioned their connections - race organisers, other paddlers.... it's starting...
-I want to fly somewhere on the second level of a plane - superficial? yes - possible? definitely. My boss already knows this goal and there's a work trip to Scandinavia in the works...
-I want to become stronger , fitter, the best I can be. The wheels are already in motion.
So what does all this look like? To me... today... it's in my head, in these words. But it's starting to take shape... more clear than when I woke up this morning.
-I'm going to challenge myself to write everyday - something - anything. Figure out my voice. I'm going to set up a blog (done - http://myintentionishappiness.blogspot.com/) to track my musings. My world.
-I'm going to always say yes. Yes, even when I want to say no - yes to meeting new people, to dates, to adventures, people, experiences. I'll meet that special person when I'm not looking but open - my heart is finally open (though it took a very long time). Yes, always yes.
-I'm going to jump on my ski every chance I get - I'm going to face challenging conditions - head on - SAFELY... I know how to do it - it's within me. The boat is slightly different, the training wheels have been removed but my water skills, strength, it's all still there. I'm going to find plenty of people to paddle with and learn from each of them whatever I can.
-I'm going to continue loving my job - taking on new challenges, listening, learning and absorbing everything I can from the people around me and from the exciting things that are happening in these moments.
Little steps - each day - some things might come more quickly than others but I know I can handle it all. Nothing but me can stop me. I know this. I BELIEVE this. I'm strong, adaptable, fluid and open to the world. Moving half way around the world, alone, has taught me this. Look - I've already found such inspiring people, true personal connections of who we all are in this world.
So what are your goals? What will you do today to make them a reality? I dare you to take a step...
It was sitting here, enjoying each other and the intellectual conversation that Match shared with us his experience last week up in Broome. He inspired us to have a vision, to have goals - big shiny anything you can dream up ten year goals. And then - break that down into how you get there - one step each day towards something... whatever your heart desires. It was only just a start but here, big and small, I put out to my friends, to the universe, what my heart desires. What on this day I see my future looking like, nothing to hold me back.
-I want a FAMILY - a partner and a child. My partner will love me literally for better and worse, will challenge me, know when to push and know when to give me space. And in return I will do the same. We will choose each other everyday over all else. Partners in every sense. And our child... an innocent being - the future undefined, wide open. They will get our support and encouragement for anything they could ever dream of (just like I was lucky to have).
-I want a career that let's me be mobile - travel when I want to but still provide for my family. I don't want roots but connections to many different places. Always adventuring, exploring, LEARNING...
-I want to be a writer - have a book published. Express my thoughts. I don't know what the story is yet but I love words - like to write. It will come.
And in the shorter term... I'm putting these goals out there too because I learned today that when people know them they want to help, support, encourage - and it's already taken shape...
-I want to finish the Doctor race in January 2012 - paddle my surfski from Rottnest Island to Sorrento Beach - a 28km downwinder. Kirsten and Match have already mentioned their connections - race organisers, other paddlers.... it's starting...
-I want to fly somewhere on the second level of a plane - superficial? yes - possible? definitely. My boss already knows this goal and there's a work trip to Scandinavia in the works...
-I want to become stronger , fitter, the best I can be. The wheels are already in motion.
So what does all this look like? To me... today... it's in my head, in these words. But it's starting to take shape... more clear than when I woke up this morning.
-I'm going to challenge myself to write everyday - something - anything. Figure out my voice. I'm going to set up a blog (done - http://myintentionishappiness.blogspot.com/) to track my musings. My world.
-I'm going to always say yes. Yes, even when I want to say no - yes to meeting new people, to dates, to adventures, people, experiences. I'll meet that special person when I'm not looking but open - my heart is finally open (though it took a very long time). Yes, always yes.
-I'm going to jump on my ski every chance I get - I'm going to face challenging conditions - head on - SAFELY... I know how to do it - it's within me. The boat is slightly different, the training wheels have been removed but my water skills, strength, it's all still there. I'm going to find plenty of people to paddle with and learn from each of them whatever I can.
-I'm going to continue loving my job - taking on new challenges, listening, learning and absorbing everything I can from the people around me and from the exciting things that are happening in these moments.
Little steps - each day - some things might come more quickly than others but I know I can handle it all. Nothing but me can stop me. I know this. I BELIEVE this. I'm strong, adaptable, fluid and open to the world. Moving half way around the world, alone, has taught me this. Look - I've already found such inspiring people, true personal connections of who we all are in this world.
So what are your goals? What will you do today to make them a reality? I dare you to take a step...
The purpose...
"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it"
~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)
This little blog is step one to one of my goals... my goal is to write a book one day. I don't know my story yet but I have committed to writing, something - anything - everyday. This will be the place that I track that - tell my stories, the adventures, the lessons, and sometimes the mundane. But it will be all me. The people and things that inspire me, teach me, help me grow and bring happiness into my world.
~Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)
This little blog is step one to one of my goals... my goal is to write a book one day. I don't know my story yet but I have committed to writing, something - anything - everyday. This will be the place that I track that - tell my stories, the adventures, the lessons, and sometimes the mundane. But it will be all me. The people and things that inspire me, teach me, help me grow and bring happiness into my world.
14 August 2011
An Update... Australia part 5
I'm struggling to write
I really want to...
so many thoughts trapped
inside my head
Today was a perfect day
met a new friend
who is friends
with an old one
it's a small world after all
It was a simple day
sleeping in and markets
drinking beer by the ocean
and KANGAROOS
lots and lots of roos
in the wild, just hanging out
sitting on a bench
drinking beer
watching them play
I'm starting to meet people
lots of people
a little like Vancouver
so few here from here
I've met
South Africans
and Kiwis
and Scots
Canadians
and a Brit
and of course several Aussies
some who have been to Canada
and some that are soon to be going
Our world, getting smaller
I have plans here
Broome and Bali
the Doctor Race
(with Shane and Linda?)
Hamilton Island
touring all of the west
and then the east
Christmas on the beach
bbq's and laughter
settling in
living
loving
staying
I love it here
though it makes me sad to think
I many never move back
though I miss Vancouver so
another chapter
all or nothing and
I'm most definitely all in
I really want to...
so many thoughts trapped
inside my head
Today was a perfect day
met a new friend
who is friends
with an old one
it's a small world after all
It was a simple day
sleeping in and markets
drinking beer by the ocean
and KANGAROOS
lots and lots of roos
in the wild, just hanging out
sitting on a bench
drinking beer
watching them play
I'm starting to meet people
lots of people
a little like Vancouver
so few here from here
I've met
South Africans
and Kiwis
and Scots
Canadians
and a Brit
and of course several Aussies
some who have been to Canada
and some that are soon to be going
Our world, getting smaller
I have plans here
Broome and Bali
the Doctor Race
(with Shane and Linda?)
Hamilton Island
touring all of the west
and then the east
Christmas on the beach
bbq's and laughter
settling in
living
loving
staying
I love it here
though it makes me sad to think
I many never move back
though I miss Vancouver so
another chapter
all or nothing and
I'm most definitely all in
01 August 2011
August 1st...
Another month... life is settling in Australia for me, I'm happy. Truly happy and yet there is still a (small) hole in my heart that yearns for you - to have you back in my life. I miss you and still you never answer your phone. I worry sometimes - maybe something has happened, maybe you're not even on this planet any more and it's something I can't even comprehend - it freaks me out to think that something like that could happen and I'd really have no idea. I can't convey how much I miss you - I do. You are so much a part of me and I wish you could see me know - see what I have become. See what I needed to be before I ever met you.
And lyrics - I hear these all the time - I hope you're happy, in love, with a family. I wish for all of that for you by now and so this song, in my head rings so true:
Adele - Someone Like You
I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
I miss you - wholeheartedly I do. Please just say hello. Let me know you're out there.
And lyrics - I hear these all the time - I hope you're happy, in love, with a family. I wish for all of that for you by now and so this song, in my head rings so true:
Adele - Someone Like You
I heard that your settled down.
That you found a girl and your married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend, why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over yet.
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nothing compares, no worries or cares.
Regret's and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Nevermind, I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg, I remembered you said:-
"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah.
I miss you - wholeheartedly I do. Please just say hello. Let me know you're out there.
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