Day 42...

Today is a reflection on me - who I am... perhaps just a brief start of some likes and dislikes...

I love (in no relevant order AT ALL):
-travelling and the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane - it's always different and to me marks the start of a new adventure
-late night conversations - there's something about sharing our deepest thoughts in the darkness, about defying sleep to tell our stories
-roadtrips - driving fast down the hwy, windows down, music loud, no set destination
-challenges and being challenged
-passion - about something, anything... coasting through life is boring and such a waste
-writing - obviously (day 42!!)
-inspiring people and being inspired by inspiring people - closely related to being passionate about something
-a good hug - be careful, I steal these a lot... ask my paddling peeps back home...
-crossfit - a new challenge and so fulfilling and challenging and competitive (internally), it's making me a better, stronger person
-yoga - need to get back to this - it keeps me balanced emotionally and physically
-simplicity - there is no need to cause drama
-people who follow their hearts rather them logic or what society tells us we should do
-dusk - the world slows down in this transition from day to night
-laughter, silliness, getting in touch with our inner child, playing with children - it's eye opening
-warm rain and running in warm rain, it's soothing and calms my soul like being out in my canoe... cheap therapy
-music - a necessity - my life needs a soundtrack but it'd be all over the place
-happiness - it took me a long time to get to this point in my life - but I'm happy... I can't explain how or why but I just am and I like the feeling
-my family - even though we're small, just the three of us we're solid... I appreciate the love and support through everything
-my friends - oldest, old and new - you are always there for me even through the years, distance and newness, all offering such variety and strength through it all
-my job - mostly... I like my career path and the places I've been because of it (including 70km from the North Pole) and that I once got to hold a gold bar that weighed 25kg and was worth over $250,000 at the time (would now be approx. $800,000)
-Sunday mornings - sleeping in, a coffee on the porch, relaxing in the sunshine
-skype (and how it keeps me close to my friends)
-getting fun mail - physical hand written mail - like postcards from places my friends are and pictures from my little buddy Justyn
-red wine and beer and breakfast (though preferably not all together)

Dislikes:
-the word no
-Halloween
-New Years
-shoes
-the squeal from a boiling kettle
-people that stand in doorways, rush to get on a plane or try to get on an elevator when people are still getting of
-fish and seafood - though I suffered (understatement) through a plate of smoked salmon when I was taken out for a fancy dinner in Copenhagen
-being trapped by a volcano (an extra week in Copenhagen seems lovely but it really wasn't at all)

Day 41... sunshine and memories

I feel like a student again as I sit here in this coffee shop, laptop in front of me, reports and coffee by my side.  It's funny how situations can bring back the past.  Transport you back in time to moments so often lived before.  Though in those days I can hardly remember days in front of a computer over coffee - computers were confined to the 4th year rooms, to home.  Coffee shops were for reading, much highlighting and scribbles.  For procrastinating - catching up with friends.  But those moments in time were perfection - or they at least are now, in my mind - as I've forgotten the torturous assignments and exams, the work that got me to where I am now.  I just remember the people, the connections, the coffee.

I also remember the late nights - in fourth year - every day consumed with consumption - beer.  Girly drinks on Mondays - our favorite male bartender.  Savoring the moments as girls together when we could, outnumbered every other moment outside those we carved out specifically.  I remember the nights we didn't plan to drink - late night assignments, just a beer or two or several - no matter how hard our convictions the table would always be full of empties when it was over.  And yet, it was a class I rocked - water - thursday mornings, 8:30 am... never made it, too hungover from Bomber nights, assignments over beers with Niki, exams completed first, I don't understand it.  Funny how it all works sometimes.

I remember the card games - briscola - and laughter - the BNL Rock Spectacle the soundtrack to it all - always.  Purple walls, yellow CD - so clear.  And as I sit here and write I realize that I talk to none of them now - our connection dwindled to the fine threads of facebook - so remote - so long ago - so strange as they were such a big part of who I was - who I am now.

Then there are the best friends - the connections made on day one - green shirts and nicknames - same names... such silliness.  Laughter.  Road trips to Toronto - scavenger hunts in yellow hard hats.  Roses.  Guitars.  These moments are carved into my soul - details which I could never forget - never want to.  Two parts - one still in my world, one so far away.  I wish I still had them both.  They're both in my head, my heart.  Memories of years gone by.  Of class rooms and living rooms.  Movies and music.  Teaching and talking.  A cul-de-sac.  Parking ticket.  Stolen hugs, sneaking into my bed.  Late night phone calls.  A lifetime ago. 16 years.

And as I sit here - cold coffee beside me, words flowing from my fingers.  I reminisce of these days gone by, memories that still warm my heart after all this time.  Bring a smile to my face.  Days to be cherished.  Days to be savored.  It's nice to be transported back into that time - at least for this moment.

Day 40... 3 months!

Three months... exactly three months... that's how long I have lived in Australia.  It seems like I just got here in some ways and in others, well it seems like I've been here much longer.  Way longer.

I'm quite settled, I'm happy, I'm enjoying life and the world around me and am missing everyone back home a little less each day - until they fully enter my thoughts and then I miss them like crazy.  Completely.  I want them all to be here, not to go home but them just here.

I don't miss Vancouver like I thought I would - I think because I came to a place that is so similar... I'm surrounded by the ocean, what calms me - water.  And the sunshine, it's a daily occurrence even in winter which makes everything better.  Even when it rains most of the day you can still count on the sun in between the downpour.

So... here we go - another update after three months... about me, my life now, my world and what it looks like...

I love crossfit... well, it's a love/hate thing really but it's making me better

and I love the photos of the board after a crossfit day - just seeing my name up there and what I (and many others) accomplished that day

I am loving my new home town and have always felt like a resident never a visitor

There are now three places I call home - Perth, Vancouver and wherever my parents are (currently Winnipeg) - Vancouver will always be home

I am stronger now than when I left Vancouver.  I was happy when I left and now I am both happy and confident.  Growing.

I am scared of how long it will be before I see old friends, I miss them dearly

I hate the hours of 2pm-5pm during the week where I'm at work and most people I know back home are asleep

I (surprisingly) miss starbucks... the feeling will only escalate when I know it's pumpkin latte season... (it's pumpkin latte season)

There is a strange obsession here with scented toilet paper...

and there are no stores at all similar to Canadian Tire - I miss that store, the convenience of it all...

I have possums (or rats) living in my roof and it seems like a person is walking up there... small children screaming.

I find it odd that June, July and August are now WINTER... huh?

and that most of the world is currently talking about the end of summer - not down here...

I find it odd that I will have a summer birthday (in November)

I found my happiness before I left Vancouver but in Perth I still have happiness and have found confidence

I am inspired by so many people here, everyday.  The generosity and support and encouragement - both shocking and awesome

People are full of surprises and I like that - losing expectations and going with the flow.

Dating is horrible, I don't like it at all but I'm trying - putting myself out there just to see what might await... who knows, I could be pleasantly surprised, and if not at least I'll have some good stories.  Lots of stories...

and boys are more into calling - actual phone calls - at least the ones from here - texting is left to the boys from elsewhere, the transplants like me - it's a strange distinction and brings out my fear of the phone, when did this happen (I grew up without texts, mobile phones)

I will say yes, always  yes.  It adds to the adventure, the stories.  Everything yes.

Sometimes it's good just to act like a kid again and ages don't matter.  People matter.  Connections matter.  Age is just a number we can't change.

I'm becoming addicted to working out - seeing the progress - getting stronger.  In so many ways...  I am stronger for this adventure - the next chapter of my life. For taking the chance and reaping the rewards...

Day 39... the "boys"

Second date tonight with Chris which I'm a little excited about... I like him and think we'll have fun hanging out again.  He's cute and charming too! 

And to update - the other 'boys' in my iphone (photo evidence below)...

I hate dating - I completely do with every part of me - that first awkward getting to know you conversation - I'm the girl who is at her best once you know me - when I'm relaxed and goofy and just having fun but I need to put myself out there and so on dates it goes.

I'd love to say it's been fun but to be honest, I haven't had much of that yet - just a few and with Chris, the first date was fun and so, fingers crossed...

The others (the online boys):
Chris - The aforementioned date tonight - born in Aus but grew up in the UK.  Recently moved back.
James (#2) - there was a #1 but we won't go there... met up with this guy last weekend to wander the market in Freo - it was completely boring (and I love the market - you figure it out)
Rob (#2) - Meeting up with him for coffee this weekend - who knows.
Trevor - a fellow Canadian (Edmonton) - was supposed to meet up with him a few weeks back but I bailed... no future plans but who knows...
Josh - first person I went on a date with her and it was horrible... just.so.boring.  He has since called me to go out again and I told him I wasn't interested
Rob (#1) - met him for a drink and it was awkward - can't really describe it but halfway through my beer I was trying to figure out a way to bail.... ugh.
Shaun - messaged this dude for a while then numbers exchanged and haven't heard from him - can't really remember who he is but...  number saved just in case
Stuart - Scottish dude - haven't met up with him though we've tried on several occasions - if it's going to be that difficult I'd say it's just not going to happen.  heh.

And the ones not yet in the phone:
Lee - plan to meet up at some point
Dean - seems like a decent guy, hooked me on the first message when he said we had so much in common we should just get married... haha, good way to at least break the ice since most dudes are pretty lame - not using full words or sentences or merely writing - hey sexy! - I mean how does one even reply to that?  Lame.

So yes, my phone is filling up with random dudes numbers - and I'd delete them only I don't want to be surprised if out of the blue I hear from one of them again - 'who is this' isn't typically a great reply... haha.  The trouble is though I'm having a hard time trying to keep up lately... and, I'm getting bored.  I do like meeting people but randomly online, not finding much success though given that I have two good friends that met their husbands this way, part of me feels the need to keep trying.  Who knows.  Options open I guess.

*Edit - second date didn't happen....  so sad.  He was getting ready to meet up when he got called back into work - life isn't fair... haha.  But I know we'll figure out another time to meet up...  patience - I need some. 

Day 38...

Today was a good day... progress.  Sleep deprived progress.  Things are in motion and I like that.  Slowly moving forward.  Slowly.  Life is good and I'm just going for the ride - it's just what I need right now.  In this moment. 

Day 37...

On the heels of yesterday's inspiration I did something that I wouldn't otherwise do - I took a risk last night - sent a friendly message and it got me what I wanted...  I'm excited at what is to come... ready to ride out the adventure - feel the ripples from one bold gesture.

Day 36... inspiration

Today was super inspiring. I spent the day at the WA athletics stadium watching 60+ teams competing in the Primal Pairs crossfit competition – specifically from Cooee – Jack and Tim, Vicki and Jeni, Andy and Adam, Jack and Nicole…

It was a spectacular day and though I felt the pain as they all pushed through the crazy last WOD (200 presses, 150 jumpovers and 100 burpees between them – and two 400m runs each one forwards, one backwards) they still inspired me to sign up for the next competition.  I love training with these guys every day – they push me to be better and after seeing their sweat and (almost) tears and (almost) vomit it showed me how much farther I still have to go to be amongst them… they showed their guts today and I’m ready to be standing beside them in a few months at the next one.

Day 35... a difference between boys and girls

A difference between boys and girls... less judgement (self or otherwise)...

I noticed this the other night - not directly but more as a feeling.  We were in the midst of a crossfit WOD that had us doing few reps of high weights - split jerks to be specific - a workout I'd done before.  A workout previously done on a Friday morning sharing the bar and the weight with a few other girls.  On Wednesday, it was me, alone on a bar - weight set only by me - timing by me.   Surrounding me were two other boys doing the same and our coach Tim, another boy.  Me and three boys.  That was all.  There was no one else in the box and I found that calming.  More secure.  Less self conscious.  Self-judging.

I wasn't sure why but I'd hesitated that first day in doing the movement - perhaps it was my lack of confidence in the move with it being new to me - perhaps it was my fear of failure, of not getting a rep at the higher weight, fear of dropping the bar, unsuccessful - perhaps it was just the lack of spectators this time, just me, my focus, my preparation, only me - I can't nail it down specifically but I wasn't afraid to fail anymore.  I wasn't afraid to drop the bar.  I wasn't afraid to go beyond what I had ever done.  I wasn't afraid.

When reflecting on this afterwards a lot of it my previous hesitation had to do with me.  All me.  I get that - my inbred fears, insecurities.  But this time - there was a shift - I think it was all the testosterone surrounding me.  Feeding me.  Big guys lifting weights probably twice mine - but knowing they'd go beyond their limits, knowing they would make noises, grunting and funny faces, dropping the bar if necessary.  Knowing all this pushed me out of my comfort zone. Suddenly I was "one of the boys" and no one cared.  When I picked up the bar, steadied myself and then put it right back on the rack - no judgement, no big deal.  In fact Dom could relate - understood completely that I had to fix my mental focus first.  He got it.  Did it too. 

It was an interesting shift that evening, it was quiet and understated and allowed me to achieve a new PR.  It wasn't a pretty achievement, it was messy, ugly, unsteady - I almost dropped the bar BUT I did it. I did it - in an environment that made me feel safe, made me challenge myself. Made me better.  Stronger.  I did it!

Day 34...

Today there are no words.  It's a me day - a time to regroup, refresh, recompose, renew.  Renew.

It is spring.

Day 33...

It's funny how a week can change things - last week when plans changed/ got canceled, I got blue...  got into a funk that I couldn't shake - emotion over logic - but this week?  Complete 180.  Logic over emotion... never a balance, one over the other.  Why?

I think personally it's about letting go.  Realizing what I can and can't control.  Expectations only of myself.  I struggle with this - always have.  It's bred into me through so many ups, downs, trials, changes.  A struggle.  But yet yesterday when I decided on being selfish - about being only what I needed - about it being about me... life threw me a curve ball.  Yes, it truly is when you least expect things that they come your way - I know this.  I do.  But yet?  It's always a struggle.  A quest to find the balance.

Day 32... choosing me

I'm choosing me.

Busy is just an excuse.

I've spent too long waiting on people.

What I've learned is that it's possible to find time for what matters.

We will always be busy - constantly busy - it's about prioritizing.

We all have 168 hours.

We get to choose how to fill them.

I'm not waiting.

Busy is just an excuse.

I choose me.

Day 31... priorities

Priorities.

We all control our own.

They are different for every one of us.

Family, friends, sports, career, travel, so many things.

We choose which ones get priority - fill up our hours.

We all get the same 168 hours per week and it's up to us how to fill them.

What are your priorities?

Day 30...

Saying yes.  It can lead to wonderful things and even when it doesn't we've had an experience that has shaped us.  Taught us.  Allowed us to grow.  Learn.

Last night I said yes to a movie with friends - no idea where or when or what but unequivocally yes.  I showed up at the time and place to discover that we were seeing Red Dog.  A movie about a dog - that was the only thing we knew going in.  And on coming out two hours later - if asked to describe the movie to anyone else - a movie about a dog.  I don't know how else to capture the beauty of the film.  The emotion - about a dog - the love, the pain.  We laughed, and cried - all of us touched deeply.  It was perfect - and it happened because I decided to just say yes.

Day 29...

Sometimes letting go is the best thing to do... choosing to let go... forget the blue feelings, revel in the warmth of the sunshine and move forward.  Laugh, play, run around in the grass barefoot.  Handstands.  Silliness.  Perfection.  Today was a day for all of that - for realizing that all it took to get out of my head was the choice to do just that.  My choice.  My move.  The weight was lifted.

Day 28... just what was needed

This morning's workout was just what I needed.  It was good for me - well, the working out part at least - not the getting out of bed part.  I love my bed - too much probably - but it's my safe place, my haven, my sanctuary.  It's where my thoughts percolate, come to life, become clarified.  But my thoughts have been out of sorts this week - need peace, quiet.  Time to settle.  This morning they were quieted.  For an hour, just one hour.

It was an hour in time where the rest of the world was silenced - my breath was strong in my ears, sweat dripping off my forehead.  The constant drumming of words, thoughts, diminished.  Focused instead on pushing, challenging, fighting every single - jump - squat - pushup. Every.single.one. Only that moment, that movement.

And as the sun came up, my mood too lifted.  Every pull of the erg, every step of the run, each movement banishing some of my doubt, my darkness.  Each skip, each situp - pushing through - beyond, into a new place.  Focus, laser vision, intense.  Necessary.

Day 27... unfamiliar feelings...

I’ve been in a weird mood this week and it wasn’t until tonight on my drive home that I figured it out.  It came from my level of uncertainty.  Typically I am a confident person but when things get beyond my control as they sometimes do I struggle with how to process them – logic and emotion conflicting.  I am at my core an emotional person, instinctual, intuitive.  And even when things logically make sense to me sometimes they still impact my mood.  This was the case this week.  I know that in time it will all sort itself out – but I’m a girl who just likes the answers, the knowing – waiting – never my strong suit. But I’m aware.  That helps.

I spent every night out this past week except for tonight – I’ve had so much going on and I love it  - it makes me feel connected to my new home.  In such contrast to the old one.  Yet tonight, when I knew I needed a quiet night – some me time – I started to struggle.  Struggle with the calmness of it all.  The solo time.  Me.  Only me. And the reflecting started to make some sense... logic and emotion, head and heart, reason and rhythm... two separate entities within me.  Conflict.  Contrast.  Control.

It’s been a challenge because so many things have been twisted and turned this week – little things – simple things – but they all add up inside me.  All of these things, logically straight forward, reasonable, understood but yet have had such an impact on my mood.  Struggle.  

(Probable) date 2 on hold because of him working, (potential) rugby watching cancelled because of boys weekend, (confirmed) paddle with a friend postponed because of work.  I get all this, understand – I’m fundamentally okay with all of it but yet…  it hangs over me, I can’t control it  - it’s not gloom or sadness or disappointment – it’s not any of that.  It’s more malaise, melancholy – a withdrawing of sorts.  Pulling back into myself.   A place once so comfortable to me and yet, lately – unfamiliar.  Most definitely - unfamiliar.  And I don’t know what to do with that.

Day 26... time, patience and time...

Today - for the first time - the words are stuck.  Oh, they are there, floating around in my brain but they're not ready to come out - not ready to be shared with the world.  Not yet.  Today I get to cherish the ideas, the emotions, the beauty* - all on my own.  A little bit of selfish just for now - until I'm ready to trust them completely.

*I had - in my opinion - a great date last night - we'll see how it goes... for now, just time.

Day 25... change your perspective

Sometimes it’s just about changing perspective…

Replacing I can’t with I will try, I hate with not my favourite.  Focusing on the good rather than the bad.  So many things can be said in opposite ways – one from a positive viewpoint, one from a negative. What will you choose?

I am choosing positive – trying to reinforce my negative remarks with the positive ones.  I used hate last night, changed it to not my favourite.  It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you do this.  So simple yet so powerful.

Day 24...

There is silence today.  The words are at peace.  My brain is at peace.  I am at peace. 

I had a spectacularly amazing weekend, lots of sunshine warming my bones, seeping into my soul.  Good friends, good food, good times.  I packed it all it and now I need time to reflect.  Time alone within my head, peaceful.  Happy.

Day 23... remembering...

I remember the day.  Exactly where I was on the moment I found out.  The sun was streaming brightly into the window of my cubicle as it does now.  Different places, same feeling.  I remember watching the trickle of cars on the freeway below like rush hour on every other day of the year but somehow this felt different.  The sun in such conflict with my thoughts.  With the unknown, the fear.  I recall not being able to get information - the internet bogged down, local websites unable to cope.  I was gathering what I could from the BBC - it became the voice of all of this.  My first phone call was to my client - they were in the US, surely they would have heard by now - 8:30am (their local time - Chicago - sticks in my brain to this day) - the towers had just just been hit - but no.  I was the bearer of this unbelievable news - they were on the golf course, oblivious.  Perhaps it was better that way. 

There was no way to process this information in real time.  It just didn't seem real.  Still in some ways doesn't seem real.  The rest of that day is a blur - a constant streaming of the news, media from all over trying to make sense of this act, sense where there was none to be had.  Such meaningless tragedy - such massive casualty. 

I recall more clearly the days after this... the sky devoid of any planes, eerily quite.  We paddled that Wednesday - the sky above Toronto hushed - except for one rescue helicopter which drew all our attention - a momentary wondering of 'what now' which soon passed us by.  But still, wondering if there would be more.  Toronto, not so far from New York. 

I remember only a few weeks later - a trip to Chicago to see that client - airports only recently reopened.  The fear still looming large.  The changes, the searches, the searching.  I still feel my hesitation at flying that day - but knowing that I couldn't let that fear stop me - that we had to go on living otherwise they will have won, we would be defeated.  And we were too strong for that.

Ten years have passed since that fateful day.  Ten years.  And even though I was not directly touched by this tragedy I still recall every feeling - voicing those feelings now has brought it all back in this moment.  Sitting here, the sun shining in the window once again as I recall the dust and darkness that enveloped New York.  The courage and perseverance is what has won out though - I like to think that though scarred by tragedy - we have walked through the other side a little stronger, a little less afraid, a little less likely to take any day for granted for anything can happen.  Clearly, the unimaginable can happen.  The unimaginable did happen on September 11, 2001. 

Day 22... October 1st...

This is for October 1st... a start.

I wonder if you'd recognize me now.  If I am anything like the girl you fell in love with years ago.  I wonder if the only difference is that I am now ready to love back?

Day 21... connections (part 2)...

I touched on this the other day, the feeling of connectedness we have in this world... truly the best thing we have.  And I feel connected here.  Threads of peoples lives are weaving with mine and I love every piece of it.

It's quite funny to think that it was only a few months ago that I packed up everything I owned into a 5' x 8' trailer, put it in storage and moved halfway around the world with only three bags (and 3 paddles).  I knew no one here.  I came on my own.  Moved to a city I'd never even visited - a country I'd never visited.  And while I knew I'd made the right choice I can't say it was easy.

There were a few cold, lonely, rainy nights where I struggled to find my place.  Hid away from the darkness in the comfort of my apartment, alone.  A little cocoon... but I had a focus then - finding a place to live, a car to drive and connections to this place.   A social circle where I belonged.

Less than three months... that's how long it's been for me to carve out my spot.  Find comfort and joy in all that's around me.  Happy.  Confident.  Secure.

I have friends here now - perhaps not as many as I did in Vancouver but there's something different about the people - or perhaps merely the ones I've found - they're real.  Open.  Honest.  Encouraging.  I'm not as close to them yet as I was to people back home but I've probably seen more of their true selves than I did of many before them.  They share their experiences, their struggles, their journey, their dreams.  Connection on a deeper level.

Maybe it's not the people that are different - maybe it's me.  Letting myself be more open, more welcoming that's brought this on.  Forced to adapt, adjust.  Sharing more of myself, getting more in return.  I can't say for sure.  I just know that it matters. I cherish these interactions and my new found peace.  Living each moment and savoring the connections.  Every connection.  Real life.

Day 20... simplicity

Rules for life:

Live each day, each moment. 
Be present.  Open. 
Say yes. 
Make your own choices. 
Be happy.  Laugh, smile and enjoy life!

Day 19... simple rewards, connections

This writing journey while only a few weeks old has thus far been extremely rewarding.  While some days the thoughts are a little slower to come it’s never been a struggle to download my brain, my feelings, my emotions.  That part comes easily to me – it’s the focus that is sometimes off.  But the words always come, never let me down.  There is always some spark that starts me off.  Today it was a sweet message from a friend – sharing a video with me – one that he thought I might like.  And further to that – a relation to my words.  Ones I’d written a few days earlier – ones that he could relate to.  And isn’t that just what it’s all about?  Why we put ourselves out there – tell our stories – to relate in some way to this wide world that we live in. Find our individual spot while seeking out others who are where we are – or will be, or have been.  It’s the little links that tie us all together, make each day something different, something special. 

And while I don’t write in this space for anyone other than myself, than to develop my voice, I do choose to share here.  Let the world see it.  Anyone who cares to read.  And it’s nice to hear that people in fact do read.  And better still, relate.  It’s comforting to realise that we are all interconnected.  That while our individual days and moments may in fact be different we all face the same challenges, struggles, joys, confusions.  Our feelings and emotions unite us all.

never forget...

I was reminded today of this old post because another friend is unfortunately facing a similar situation... I have no idea what he's going through because our connections are all so different but it never goes away - the memories, the feelings - that person remains a part of us always.  I miss you Donny but your smile still lights up my world.

February 26th, 2008

Day 18... the choices we make

Sometimes it's hard to make decisions when there is so much demand on our time or several things we want to do that conflict.  I hate the excuse 'I'm too busy'... you can be as busy as you CHOOSE to be - we all get the same 24 hours in a day and it's our choice on what we do with them.  Yes, I understand that family and work are priorities but it's all about planning. And deciding.  What makes you happiest.   If you really want to do something you *will* make it happen.  If you really want to spend time with a person you *will* make it happen.  It's a basic fact of life.

I'm struggling with my past and present right now.  I LOVE outrigger - at least I did while in Vancouver - it was a huge part in defining who I am (was?) - and I saved millions of dollars in therapy bills just by sitting on my canoe in english bay.  I spent endless days playing in the waves, bits of salt stuck to my face at the end of it all, hours following the paddlewheeler - all those inside so oblivious to my sitting on that one wave... riding back home.  I sweated alongside some amazing people in races in those waters, had a ton of fun and success - formed relationships so strong in those moments.  It was my summer, my life... for so long my life.

I'm half way around the world now and I still have an ocean.  An ocean that I love but haven't quite yet fallen *in* love with.  It feels like home here and yet I'm torn.  I do crave the water, just not like I did.  And when I do it's not for the same reasons.  My new challenge is my surfski - solo time.  Just me.  No common goals to work towards.  I fall in and laugh and enjoy each moment without the focused precision that I once had but I think that this is okay.  I *know* that this is okay but I'm still reconciling it in my mind.

My priorities now have shifted.  I have fallen in love with a new sport - a new challenge - Crossfit.  The people, the community, the struggle.  I love it.  And yes, it feels a little like I'm cheating on paddling, but maybe that's not it.  I broke up with English Bay as I left Vancouver, no looking back.  And I think that for now I need to choose differently.  Follow the happiness, the fun.  And in this moment Crossfit is the fun.

So when I have conflicts between outrigger and Crossfit (every Saturday morning in fact) I will choose what I enjoy, what I want to do, *my* priority... I will choose with my heart instead of obligation and I will savour every minute... fully committed to my choice. MY choice.

Day 17

I walk around this town, the one we both live in, the one that still separates us.  Each footstep another reminder of you- your memory is infused in everything here.  I know they will slowly fade, every day a little further into the past.  I know too that you're everywhere here, in all the little things because you helped to form my first impressions of this place - showed me so much of it in two days, little moments, secret places.  But I'm making them my places now.  New experiences, all mine.  Only mine.

Like the memories fading with the setting suns, so are you.  You'll be gone soon and that will be okay.  I will be okay.

Day 16...

I found my heaven - it's a tiny, crowded bookstore on High Street. It's so full of history and first editions.  Books from my childhood and many I still yearn to read.  The number of volumes is overwhelming.  The dust making me sneeze and yet I spent hours in there.  Absorbing the stories through the covers, touching the spines and forgetting every title I want to pick up.  But it was magical.  A little space that I'll go back to over and over and fall in love with even more each time.  Penny Bannister Books - heaven!

Day 15...

It's funny how a little notoriety can change things.  The knowledge that people are actually reading your words.  And yes, I know this sounds a little odd given that I post them here on the interwebs for everyone to see - but those everyone - I thought were limited to a select few who I started this journey with - who read at the start but slowly lost interest.  But now I have a new little blog - Everyday Stronger - where I track my workouts that people are reading.  94 pageviews in just one day, from all over the world... reading my words - relating to them.  Crazy!  And also intimidating.  Yes, quite intimidating. 

What were once only words for me - a way to track my progress, my strength... these words now belong to others too.  In someone's comment about relating to the emotion - tears welling up while reading.  To someone else tracking me down on a field on a sunny day mid workout to mention that they've read it too and that it's nice to have someone elses perspective.  How it's a 'liked' blog on my boxes website which I love and am grateful for while at the same time intimidated by.  Kirsten told me that it doesn't have to change the way I write, that my audience doesn't need any more that what I'm giving - that the emotional posts will come when they need to and that's enough...  and maybe that's true.  I've already learned on this blog that I can't force emotion, I can only write from the heart and so... that will be my goal there.  To share my strength and heart to those that care to follow me on this journey.  Everyday stronger in so many ways...

Day 14... say yes! always yes.

It’s funny how a different country, different continent can change your outlook.  Optimism reigns over pessimism.  People truly are genuine.  I’m struggling a little with this change – wondering why? What’s next.  When it’s all going to change.  Perhaps it is that I’ve let go of negative people, left them behind, back in Vancouver.  The toxic ones that you don’t really like but can’t get away from either – they infiltrate.  Negativity feeding off of negativity.  Rejection and remorse.  Lack of respect. 

It’s starting to change me too.  Though last night I recognized myself slipping into old patterns – last minute phone calls – I expected cancellation – how wrong I was.  The opposite in fact.  A cheerful voice, excitement, planning ahead.  Thinking of me.  Including me.  Such  a simple gesture – so easy.  It makes me wonder why we all don’t do it more.  Say yes, commit to plans.  See them through because the experience is worth it.  No matter how intimidating or unknown, trust this.  It is worth it.  Say Yes.  Always Yes.  Yes.

Day 13... September 1st...

September 1, 2011.  Another month gone by... time slowly ticking by on the story of you and I.  It's been almost 16 years to the day since I met you - I was an overconfident, the world is mine, eager to please teenager entering the big scary world for the first time all on my own.  I was also naive and scared, hiding behind the hugest of walls that you were determined to see over, around, behind - and you did.  It's only taken time and perspective, growing to figure out who I am, that girl you saw so many years ago and yet even still, I only grasp the smallest fraction of this wide world we occupy.

I wondered a lot this month why I choose to still write to you - on the first of every month.  I was wondering if it was in fact completely selfish of me to do so, to push my way back into your world.  But then I think that perhaps you don't even see my words.  They get lost into the cyber world I send them off to.  Words then that ultimately are only mine.  My changing perspectives, missing you, apologies.  Mostly apologies.

My words each month are my penance - solace to you - perhaps just to me.  But the universe doesn't distinguish.  I have so many years to apologize for - and maybe if you'd just once acknowledge this then I'd be able to let go.  I can't say move on because even after all this time I can't picture my world without you in it... it can't happen.  It would break me.  And so I hang on.  Hope that it will all turn around.  That perhaps we can go back.  I'm not sure how this time though - I know I've had more chances than any girl could ever ask for even though I didn't realize it at the time they were being given - over and over and over....

I want one day - one more day for you and me... that's all.  Anywhere.  I want to make up for all the hugs I shied away from, from the laughter and silliness that was our foundation, our beginning.  I want the boy who looked at me in that special way that only he could - the look that I failed to recognize in those days.  The ones that pictures still remind me of.  I want to apologize profusely even though I don't know the right words - there are no words.  I want to make it up to you.  I want to teleport to places, times where I can see I screwed up, time after time.  I want a do over... to re-live those moments of my past, just the moments that contain you.  You.  Only you.  But I can't.  You won't let me.  And so I keep writing... putting words out there into the ether hoping that perhaps, just once they will reach you and you'll reach back, even just to say hi.

I miss you!