The last time you left I thought about you often, I analyzed every little detail that you'd left in your wake, the kisses, the groping, the whispered warning of pulling away and of hurting yourself. I didn't know what it meant, it all caught me by surprise and I questioned, constantly searched for the answers that weren't there to be found... and so, upon your return I was still lost, still pursuing the details rather than enjoying the moments, time spent with you, learning, laughing, being us. I'm sorry for that shift, I'm sure it caught you by surprise.
This time though it's different. I think of you less - not because I don't miss you but rather because I'm not trying to figure it all out any more. I am confident that whatever is meant to be will and that nothing I do or say will change your thoughts on me - whatever they are - I can only be me, the one you couldn't help but kiss in the first place.
This time I focus on the memories, the ones that I am randomly reminded of as I live my life... eating grapes, driving up the hill by my house (you can't flex cardio), recalling Bruce and your telling me how he is hard of hearing, sitting on my steps and just talking, of monsters and dragons - the little things, silly things - they all make me smile. And there are the deeper recollections as I drift off to sleep... the thought that we've shared parts of ourselves that we often keep hidden, of the stories expelled over coffee, dinner - stories of our families, our childhoods, our yearning for adventures and of seeing the world. tins cans buried in the yard. How much we've offered to each other over a few shorts months - how I feel like I've known you for years. But there is also the apprehension - the doubts that creep in when I see you looking for others, signed in to the site where we met. The fear I feel when I recall your words, the warnings that make me question your actions - contradictions. I prepare myself for being let go.
But in the face of it all I have hope... it's rooted deep within me and though I've hidden it for years it now shines through. I always see the good even as the warnings run deep - heart over head every single time. To me it's worth it - those moments of just being real, of being alive, being human. It's remaining open even in the face of rejection - of feeling the good and experiencing the bad - that makes life matter. Living full on every day. And so when you return perhaps things move forward, we continue to build on the memories, the adventures - so many things still to do... but perhaps, sadly, they drift - left behind on that beautiful November night when you first kissed me... a thought I can't even finish writing, for I'm still too hopeful. Come back.
27 February 2012
24 February 2012
Feb 24... purging...
I think of you less this time, it's different, we're different. We didn't separate on a passionate kiss - a moment that left my heart racing and my breath coming in gasps, electricity pouring through you into me, me into you. A kiss that changed things. Confused things. No this time we left things carefully, tentatively. Brief kisses, a connection without the heat - tender yet unsure of what we're doing, where we're going, what comes next. An affectionate embrace, simple. A slow dance as we made plans for the future that are less defined, less concrete. But still I think of you. Miss you. Yearn for the taste of your lips, the fire in your finger tips as they grope and grasp. I want that night back, without the confusion of the distance - round one.
I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back. The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end. The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots. I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn. How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back.
I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine. Electric. I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions. I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense. I'm sorry - I'm still here.
I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears. You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave? You. Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control. And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?
I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know. I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same. More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer. I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed. The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy. Better. I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you. I will never ask for more, I don't need more. Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are. Simple needs.
And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away. But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul. I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true. Honest. For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.
I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back. The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end. The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots. I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn. How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back.
I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine. Electric. I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions. I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense. I'm sorry - I'm still here.
I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears. You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave? You. Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control. And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?
I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know. I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same. More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer. I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed. The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy. Better. I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you. I will never ask for more, I don't need more. Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are. Simple needs.
And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away. But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul. I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true. Honest. For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.
11 February 2012
Feb 11, 2012
I apologize in advance for how unfluid and unstructured the following words are going to be but I’m writing without alcohol and that’s just how it goes (and yes I really need a monstrously large glass of red right now!)
So here goes…
I don’t get where we as men and women became unable to say the word ‘no’ or even better yet became unable to hear the word ‘no’. Maybe it’s ingrained in us from birth where as children ‘no’ only meant you wanted something more, to break the rules because that ‘no’ prevented you from something you really wanted, something exciting and adventurous and perhaps even at times dangerous but now, as adults? No isn’t a bad word, it doesn’t mean you can’t move on or a relationship is crumbling it is merely a difference in wants at that moment in time.
Don’t get me wrong, some ‘no’s truly do matter but I’m talking about the everyday requests here - if a girl you’re dating or involved with asks you to go and see The Vow with her (and any girl worth dating probably shouldn’t) there are two ways to respond - say yes, suck it up and make her happy for two hours or to say no. And girls, if he says no, accept it. Plain and simple. Make plans with your girlfriends, wait til it comes out on dvd, whatever but you have no right to be upset with your guy for not wanting to do something that you want to do - granted if this became an everyday occurrence then I’d say it’s time you found another guy.
My point is that somewhere along the way it seems that we’ve lost our ability to stand up to each other in a non-confrontational way. I think that through our adult years we’ve been conditioned to know that saying yes is the path of least resistance, go along with the norm to keep everyone happy, placated. But we’ve also lost pure passion along the way too, our ability to go our own way, on our own, do our own thing, a stretch of selfishness. Even just for a moment of time. Two people together are not always going to walk the same road but that’s okay, the roads will reconverge but those moment of solitude? HEALTHY!
The reason agreeing is easier? It’s because we’re asking loaded questions - questions we already have an invested interest in. The positive response. Expectations - the outcome so clearly defined in our minds though without that first response it all falls apart… Stop having expectations of anyone but yourself… it doesn’t work. If you ask a question expecting a positive reply and you get a ‘no’ of course you’re going to be upset, you’re going to pout and your guy will (possibly) feel a little guilty but really? He shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Be strong enough to be on your own. Be in a relationship because you want to share adventures and laughter and love WITHOUT expectations. Learn to hear the word ‘no’, it’s not the end of the world.
This - “I enjoy making someone I care about feel special.” - this is the most important part about a relationship. It doesn’t mean seeing a movie you don’t want to or being afraid to ask for what you want - but at the end of the day it is about wanting the best for that person. It’s not about the big things, the romantic holidays. It’s about the everyday, the smiles that only you understand, the knowing looks. It’s about a random surprise just because you felt like it… it’s about remembering the little things like her favorite flowers (not roses, never roses) or his favorite wine. Those things matter so much more than hearing a simple ‘no’.
But then again, you don’t have to listen to me - my last relationship… well my last relationship was perfect to everyone else… he was deemed “the perfect” guy in every single way and I was “the bitch” for ending things - and why? Because he couldn’t tell me ‘no’ and he couldn’t stand on his own. I want an equal, not someone who turns his whole world into mine. But that’s just me… and no one is bringing me my favorite flowers…
So here goes…
I don’t get where we as men and women became unable to say the word ‘no’ or even better yet became unable to hear the word ‘no’. Maybe it’s ingrained in us from birth where as children ‘no’ only meant you wanted something more, to break the rules because that ‘no’ prevented you from something you really wanted, something exciting and adventurous and perhaps even at times dangerous but now, as adults? No isn’t a bad word, it doesn’t mean you can’t move on or a relationship is crumbling it is merely a difference in wants at that moment in time.
Don’t get me wrong, some ‘no’s truly do matter but I’m talking about the everyday requests here - if a girl you’re dating or involved with asks you to go and see The Vow with her (and any girl worth dating probably shouldn’t) there are two ways to respond - say yes, suck it up and make her happy for two hours or to say no. And girls, if he says no, accept it. Plain and simple. Make plans with your girlfriends, wait til it comes out on dvd, whatever but you have no right to be upset with your guy for not wanting to do something that you want to do - granted if this became an everyday occurrence then I’d say it’s time you found another guy.
My point is that somewhere along the way it seems that we’ve lost our ability to stand up to each other in a non-confrontational way. I think that through our adult years we’ve been conditioned to know that saying yes is the path of least resistance, go along with the norm to keep everyone happy, placated. But we’ve also lost pure passion along the way too, our ability to go our own way, on our own, do our own thing, a stretch of selfishness. Even just for a moment of time. Two people together are not always going to walk the same road but that’s okay, the roads will reconverge but those moment of solitude? HEALTHY!
The reason agreeing is easier? It’s because we’re asking loaded questions - questions we already have an invested interest in. The positive response. Expectations - the outcome so clearly defined in our minds though without that first response it all falls apart… Stop having expectations of anyone but yourself… it doesn’t work. If you ask a question expecting a positive reply and you get a ‘no’ of course you’re going to be upset, you’re going to pout and your guy will (possibly) feel a little guilty but really? He shouldn’t. And you shouldn’t. Be strong enough to be on your own. Be in a relationship because you want to share adventures and laughter and love WITHOUT expectations. Learn to hear the word ‘no’, it’s not the end of the world.
This - “I enjoy making someone I care about feel special.” - this is the most important part about a relationship. It doesn’t mean seeing a movie you don’t want to or being afraid to ask for what you want - but at the end of the day it is about wanting the best for that person. It’s not about the big things, the romantic holidays. It’s about the everyday, the smiles that only you understand, the knowing looks. It’s about a random surprise just because you felt like it… it’s about remembering the little things like her favorite flowers (not roses, never roses) or his favorite wine. Those things matter so much more than hearing a simple ‘no’.
But then again, you don’t have to listen to me - my last relationship… well my last relationship was perfect to everyone else… he was deemed “the perfect” guy in every single way and I was “the bitch” for ending things - and why? Because he couldn’t tell me ‘no’ and he couldn’t stand on his own. I want an equal, not someone who turns his whole world into mine. But that’s just me… and no one is bringing me my favorite flowers…
01 February 2012
Feb 1 - a quote
This resonated with me today and it's something I'm going to try and always remember...
"things that are hard to say are usually the most important:"
"things that are hard to say are usually the most important:"
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