Day 73... pet dragons and drooling monsters

I took a chance and called you - a pleasant reward - you, home...  and while the walk never happened it was a perfect ending to a beautiful day.  Halloween.  I saw four children dressed up, trick or treating - the only sign that it was this haunted day.  A day that I loathe - another reason this city is perfect for me.  There are no pumpkins to be carved, no costumes to be made, no candy to hand out.  It's a quiet night.  It was a quiet night.  The sun an orb of bright orange as it slowly set.  A drive home illuminated by the brilliant moon radiating off the water.  Halloween only entering the evening through conversation - talk of riding pet dragons and drooling monsters under the bed.  Fantastic.  Beautiful.

Day 72...

I'm learning to just save my stories for the next time I see you even though I'm bursting when they happen to tell you right there and then... it doesn't work that way though but I get it.  I'm learning...

Day 71... Murph!

Yesterday I did Murph for the first time.  Twenty six of us in the small box, a chaotic dance around each other, with each other, solo.  Fluid movement from the bar to the ground - any small space you could find.  Chalk hand-prints lining the floor between drops of sweat.  Heavy breathing and pure focus - the seconds ticking by.  Spectators and cheers, torn skin, more tape.  Magical movements flowing up and down and across - out the door into the blinding sunshine for one last escape, one more step, one more...  the hard part left behind.  It was a beautiful morning with exceptional results.  We all accomplished what we set out to do - Murph was no match for any of us.  He was defeated.

Day 70...

Last night was simply perfect.  Simple and perfect.  Easy.  Seamless.  I wasn't sure what to expect before your arrival I just knew that I was excited to see you again...  had been excited since your call on Tuesday night asking if I'd like to have dinner with you... that you'd like to make dinner for me.  Spectacular.  Little did I realize at the time how much joy you'd find in that... in the prepping and cooking, even doing the dishes.  You were all smiles and it was heartwarming.  We chatted and chatted and laughed.  Never ending stories of the past and present.  And even in those moments of silence as we laid there staring at the ceiling it was perfect.  Uncomplicated connection.  Amazing hugs.

I don't know what this is or where it's going and I don't even really care.  We just are.  Making plans for the future and following through - coming and going through time.  And I feel like I know you - really know you - more than just the past month of knowing but years of knowing and it's odd and extraordinary and not anything I can wrap my head around.  But I don't have to and perhaps that's the beauty of it all.  Besides, we have plans to do it all again this week... what more could a gal ask for?

Day 69... anticipation

Anticipation... conversations, dinner, laughing, stories, bbq, cookies, catching up, hugs, smiles, music, silliness, connections, unknown...

Day 68... bitten...

seems the australian mosquitos love canadian blood... and they're stealthy little suckers too, i didn't see a single one but i have the welts all over my legs to prove they exist, to prove they like me...  i am unbelievably itchy and determined not to scratch - i'm slowly starting to lose that battle... ouch, ouch, ouch...  canadian mossies don't like me but it seems the australian ones really do...

Day 67... quiet peaceful running...

Today I ran... I ran far (for me) without stopping... I ran and I felt free and more importantly I ran without music... For the first time in a very long time I ran with nothing but the thoughts in my head, the wind rushing past my ears, the sound of my breath and my feet hitting the ground.  It was perfect.  After the initial rush of ideas and memories and questions my scattered brain gave way to my steps, easily choosing a right or a left moving effortlessly along a path that I'd only run one other time.  And the landmarks, this time they were different.  Perhaps it was because I was slower or maybe, it was because I was more aware but I saw things I'd never noticed before - a pool, a fire station.  And even though I clearly remembered the place I so desperately wanted to stop at last time, I knew I'd rock right past it today.  And I did.  Easily.  I had no urge to stop in the park, I just glided on by knowing I had it in me.  And perhaps it was because I was going slower today or maybe because you helped push me further the last time, showed me I could, encouraged me, distracted me, inspired me -  but this time - this time I needed to do it on my own, prove I could do it on my own.  Just me.  And I could.  And I did.  And it was absolutely awesome. 

Day 66... fear of success?

A ex-colleague once told me about how people are often more afraid of succeeding than failing though we don't often realize it.  We tend not to see it because we often look at the worst outcome figuring that is what will have the greatest impact on our lives, changing our lives.  But what about the opposite?  What happens when we succeed?  Things still change - they move forward - they are put in motion and we have to keep going.  Keep moving.  Failing is easier - it's stops the momentum, a road block, time to reassess. But success? That takes effort.

I submitted the article about Tim today to Crossfit HQ.  I like it, I do - for what it is.  I feel the passion behind my words, believe them but I still wonder -is it enough.  There were several weeks between draft 2 and draft 3.  I honestly didn't touch it, barely thought about it other than this looming deadline.  And you'll notice there isn't much of a change either.  Just an additional paragraph of Tim's thoughts on what the games mean to him but he sent me that weeks ago.  I've had those words sitting with me and still I was paralyzed.  I realized tonight that in my eyes that article will never be enough no matter how many hours I stare at it, no matter how many times I re-read it and adjust a word here or there.  Never enough.  So today - I sent it.  A few minor tweaks and it was out of my hands.  And it felt good.  Really good.  Action. 

And whether they choose me or not it's okay.  It's okay because I wrote about a friend, I put words onto paper to form a great piece about another person's journey - a goal I highlighted on this blog a while ago - I wrote another person's story (even if it was through my eyes and not his specifically - still something I struggle with).  Through this exercise I wrote - and I shared my writing in this space - with Tim specifically and he will always have that - that reminder of where he was at this moment in time - one day in his quest to compete at the games he might struggle and he can go back and see himself as he is today - the passion and excitement at this point in his journey and no one can take that away from him.  From him or me.  It exists.  And I think at the least, that is enough, I like that it is.

But maybe my words resonate further, maybe his story is only the first of many that I will get to tell over the coming 8 months, maybe.  And that's even scarier for me to grasp.  I fear it - and because I fear it I know just how much I want it.  How hard I'll work for it if they pick me.  How much passion is behind me on this quest - after all, it's the things we fear the most that matter to us the most.  And this time, I'm fearing that success.

Day 65...

Visitors to Western Australia - realize that cars have the right of way, not humans.  Accept it and live it.  Life will be so much simpler that way.  Like many things beyond our control - we need to let go, stop trying to change them - when you realize this, live this - then it all just becomes that much easier.  Simpler.  We get more out of this acceptance than trying to impose our will for change - we get something bigger than us.

Day 64... third (final?) draft

"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome, totally fucked, but awesome." ~Tim Marshall

Totally fucked but awesome.  A lifestyle, a community.  A place to get stronger, build confidence, be better.  The best you can be.  This is Crossfit.  This is my world.  That quote - the one that resonates in my head every workout, every day - is from my coach, my friend, my inspiration - Tim Marshall.

I was lucky to share breakfast by the ocean only a few weeks after arriving in Australia with Tim and a few others and we started talking about dreams of the future.  Bold and scary declarations of what we aspire to be.  Terrifying admissions but I could hear the conviction in Tim's words that morning - knew right then in my heart that he would achieve his goal - he would compete at the Crossfit Games - and I won't underestimate him either - he might someday even win.  I believe in him - believe he truly has the desire, the drive, the confidence to get there, to give it his all.  To be one of the elite.  To be amongst his idols, competing against them.  He quotes times and placings of the likes of Blair Morrison and Ben Smith.  He lives and breathes the games literally from half a world away, watches it all happen in a place he has never even visited.  California dreaming.  He represents all that Crossfit is at just 19 years old.  This kid is going places.

In November 2010 Tim started his Crossfit journey, in January became a coach, a mentor to others.  To me.  He competed in the open in 2011, placed second in the intermediate division of the Primal Throwdown - all of this within six months of beginning this lifestyle.  He is driven, motivated, the definition of passion.

Tim once had dreams of becoming a professional ice hockey player, and it all changed one fateful day when a friend invited him over to 'strength train' on his rings, introduced him to the mainsite and a few WODs later he was hooked.  His journey started then and there.  He eagerly writes his own WODs on the train to university and Karen, Elizabeth and Murph - back to back to back - merely training for the Primal Pairs with his twin brother.  He embodies everything Crossfit.  There is a sparkle, a little magic in his eyes that I see every time he works out - gets better.  And when he struggles, that's when the best of him shines through - the determination, the courage, the commitment to get better.  The passion.

To Tim, the Crossfit Games represent the ultimate test of oneself, of seeing what he as a single human being is made of.  Months and months of dedication, hard work, focus and in the end - he wonders how he will measure up against the very best in the world, against his peers who want it just as bad - who also live, eat and breath Crossfit.

A journey, an adventure in this Crossfit world, Tim is living it every day - his biggest fear is of not measuring up - of not being good enough, the self-doubt drives him to get better every day.  I know however, knew from the moment that he said his dream out loud that beautiful morning over breakfast - that he will get there.  He will be there amongst his idols competing at the Crossfit Games.  Look out world, Tim Marshall is coming.

Day 63...

Today I just need a really, really, really big hug.  A ginormous hug... huge. 

There are more words but they're not here - today they're private... at least for today.  Maybe I'll share them later when they're fully formed. Maybe.

Day 62... timing is everything (part 2)

(yesterdays post took a tangent I wasn't expecting but it was what came... the timing is everything quote came from another place, other thoughts that have been stuck in my head... this time part 2)

An old friend once told me that 'timing is everything' as we all know but thinking about it lately it's ringing much more true for me...  I don't know how to fully explain why - I think it's just where I'm at now, what I want - the contradictions.

There are so many things in my life I look back on and wonder 'what if' - not in a regretful way at all but choices, decisions, fears.  What if it had been different.  What would it have looked like.  What would my life have looked like?

It's funny having these thoughts, here and now - I mean - I'm right where I'm supposed to be, I know this.  I believe this.  I'm happy and confident and I love my life.  I just wonder if I'd been this aware, this happy in my younger days how would it have looked?  How would my life have looked?  How different, how settled. 

I think what's spurning these thoughts the most are the people I'm meeting - at this place and time.  Specific people.  What if - what if I'd met them sooner? Later?  How would it all be different - how would we both be different?  Is this the right time, now - only now?   Is this a temporary, fleeting thing?  I hope that it's not.  I hope, believe that it's not.  Can't be.  But I also am fully aware of our differences, our wants, our dreams.  So I cherish now and all there is, now.  In pieces.

Any other point in time would have huge implications, complications - our paths might have never crossed - we might never have shared our stories like we do now.  We'd have been two completely different people in our growth, our experiences.  So I guess I do believe - timing is everything.  And I'm happy I've met you - now.  Here and now.

Day 61... timing is everything

An old friend once told me that 'timing is everything' as we all know but thinking about it lately it's ringing much more true for me...  I don't know how to fully explain why - I think it's just where I'm at now, what I want - the contradictions.

I remember back when I'd first graduated - there were opportunities aplenty then to come to Perth - it was an option but one I easily dismissed - the other side of the world just too far away - but now.  Now I'm here and I love it.  But it's not everything - in the future I see myself so many other places as well - no roots, just connections - to people, to places.

I've realized too that I never would have made it here back then - close to 10 years ago - I wouldn't have lasted, wasn't strong enough, wasn't ready to stand on my own.  But the transition was easy for me now, at this time.  I can't explain it - can't find the words to get anyone else to understand - at least those who have never done it - those that have never jumped with both feet, left everything behind to jump - solo.  Chasing dreams full on.  I guess that's just it - I have dreams now - ones for me - and only me.

And if one day, somehow, the pieces fall together and I find that person, my soul connection to do this with me - to live this life together - it'd be magical.  A worldly adventure into the unknown, always moving, never searching.  Experiencing.  But I'm not waiting for that any more.  I'm okay to do it on my own.  Have proven it to myself.  I will do it all, everything I can dream of - it will all come true, I just have to live it.

Day 60...

I like that we are: sunshine, smiles, silly, serious, slow, saturday, sunday, summer, similar, safe, silly, smiles, sunshine.

Day 59... magic

Day 59...  every day since I started this.  Words.  Simplicity the common theme in everything.  Connections.  Cryptic, random.  I like this space though at times I don't give enough to my words.  Don't sit with them, don't let them linger long enough inside my head.  I have other memories there now, floating and I'm content.  The words will come in detail when they need to - happy, filled.  But for now, little snippets of every day.  Of sunshine and sparkle.  Mischief and magic.  My space.

Day 58... going to melt

I am going to melt here.  I have no doubt about this.  Sitting at lunch in the shade, sweating.  Driving along the ocean, liquifying.  My car temperature said 39 though it was actually only recorded at 37...  only.  I need slow acclimatization, slow progression...  need shade.

Day 57... perfect saturday morning

'Today was really fun.' It was spectacular and sunshiney.  It was energizing and caffeinated.  Reaching further, going farther.  Embracing my inner child, seeing excited eyes shining in my direction.  BBQ's and Christmas, future plans, only now.  Biscuits and random.  Moths and maps.  Ramshackle. A perfect saturday morning. 

I can't capture it in words, not right now.  I don't want to - I want to let it simmer in my head, reminiscing about the randomness of it all.  Let it just be mine.  Mine.  And yours.

Day 56... a thank you...

Shane,

I adore you and truly thank you.  I thank you for being a constant in my life, for being there through the distance, sharing the stories, the memories that I'm no longer a part of from this distance.  You keep me grounded, rooted to my home.

You encouraged me to jump when I was still unsure of leaving and you shared epic conversations over beer just because.  I cherish those last few months between us - friendship blossoming - we had many fun times.  Mexican and games.  Gnarly waves.  Banana bread.  Road trips and camping.

I remember the night sitting on the floor of my nearly empty apartment, sharing cheesecake and beer - simplicity.  Good friends, laughter.  And so many breakfasts, short texts - cars parked on my street.  Hours spent talking over coffee about nothing, everything.  Easy.

You were there too every time I needed help - always ready, with tools and advice.  Suggestions and strength.  You removed doors and disassembled beds and when I offered you up for a lift to the airport you didn't even hesitate to carry the heaviest of my bags down the stairs.  The greatest of good-bye bear hugs through the tears.  You are truly an amazing friend. I still miss you.

And so it is through this distance that I grow to appreciate you even more.  Know that we will polish off that bottle of wine one day catching up on all our adventures in another moment of time.  And though I can't remember the details of the supporting words you once gave me I can still remember the sentiment - you'll always be there - the distance doesn't matter.  You've helped me believe it too - through every message,  every story, every smile you've managed to bring to my face through your late night words.  The unaltered connection that we have through the distance.  I appreciate all of it - am grateful.  Thank you my friend.

Day 55... coffee and familiarity

I like that the guy at the coffee shop knows my name - greets me with it every time I go in, as he cheerfully makes my coffee.  His name is Joel.   I appreciate the familiarity - of feeling settled, belonging.  It's a little reminder of the diner I left behind, of Harrison and grandma, of the friends that surrounded the table on so many days - endless pots of coffee, endless conversations.  Memories.  It's a reminder of what I'll never forget.

Day 54... mental toughness

Sometimes it’s just mental.  Motivation over struggle, determination over pain.  This is what I learned tonight.  I knew my shoulders were going to burn, could tell just by looking at the board – overhead weighted situps, 200m weighted overhead walk – back to back – three times each?  Crazy.   My muscles were crying before it even started but I was focused.  Less than 10 minutes, that’s all it’d be.  10 minutes of time – penalties for putting the weight down – I wouldn’t have it.  The burn started on the first set – out the door to start the walk – trying to find a comfortable position holding the plate overhead – 5kg – walk faster, no running – each step one more closer to being finished, to dropping the weight.  To the fence, turn around – half way there – Dom close on my heels – keep in front.  Kirst was waiting as we got back to the door – did you put it down she asked – no way!  And the determination set in a little bit more.  I didn’t and I won’t. 

Round 2 – I realized I was counting my steps – for no reason – one, two, twenty, thirty, one hundred – still going.  Turnaround.  Starting over – one, two…  Slight movements in my arms – a little bit farther back, slightly bent, locked.  Small adjustments to ease the pain.  Mental.  Fighting through the ache – the tension.  Back to the box, success.

Round 3 – More counting – more focus.  Concrete.  Cars.  With each breath I wanted to drop the plate but I didn’t want to lose time, didn’t want to stop moving forward.  Everything within me wanted that final round to be unbroken, every fibre of every muscle screaming, but just a few more steps, everyone closer to the end.  Think positive – think proud.  Resolved.

I made it through all three rounds – 600m of intensity, throbbing shoulders, stronger shoulders.  And it wasn’t the weight that made them stronger tonight, it was my mind.  Resolute, unwavering.  Mental strength.  Sometimes it is just mental.

*I find there are two ways to look at a situation - from either a positive or a negative viewpoint.  If you look at things from a negative viewpoint you're already giving up.  You've already set yourself up for failure.  If you focus on the positive - on seeking a new, different way of approaching things you can battle through it - your mind can win out.  If you tell yourself you're going to do something you will.  You can tell yourself you're going to succeed or you can tell yourself you're going to fail.  What are you going to tell yourself today?

Day 53...

Today has been a quiet day - a day filled with passionfruit and laughter, crude jokes and chopsticks.  Long lunches in the sunshine, sleepy afternoons.  Today has been quiet - I appreciate that.

Day 52...

I wrote the words... let them loose knowing full well you'll see them - I'll point you right to them.  I don't know how you'll react but I feel better just knowing they're out there.  If they make you run off then you're not meant to be part of my life - it's just that simple.  Why constrain who I am to make someone else feel better.  I just can't do it, won't.  No censorship, just me.  Only me.  I have faith - believe that you're not like the others - understand the situation just as I do - better than I do.  Enjoy our time together - simple moments.  Reading nothing more than the words on the page for what they are, conversations unspoken.

I've learned through moving half way around the world that people are all that we have in our lives - the material things come and go - fences rebuilt, houses sold - but people - they are a reflection of ourselves in whatever form they come in.  The ones that are our roots, always there to bring us back, remind us who we are.  The ones in the here and now - just this moment - a brief connection to teach us something in this space in time.  Then there are the constants which are much harder to come by - we've become such an insular society, absorbed in ourselves but we can't always do it alone - and so we search for the pieces - the people who will be constant.   Connected.  Cherished.

I want you in my life in some form and feel that it will happen - that it's already happening.  I am happy that I met you. 

(I didn't mean for this post to be about you but after yesterday - I felt the need for a clarification - a qualifier.  Definitely a qualifier knowing I will spend the week wondering what you think of my writing - the silence is a struggle - the openness from this distance - terrifying)

Day 51... indefinite connections...

I struggle to write this to you knowing that I'm close to sharing this space.  You'll read it.  I'm not afraid of my words in all their honesty, I'm just scared of your reaction.  I don't know you well enough to know what it might be - I have an idea but it's yet to be confirmed and I don't want you to run off when I'm just getting to know you.

It's funny, I'm calm with you - where normally I'd push, struggle, grasp.  You're different - I think that's it.  With the others I knew there was nothing there even through all the bullshit - when there is nothing, there's really nothing to lose.  And I knew.  And so I pushed.  Pushed so that it'd be done with, moving on rather than playing games.  I hate games.

With you - it's simple.  Easy.  Easy and yet so damn complicated if that makes any sense at all.  Happy.  I find myself having an illogical crush on you but I can't deny it - don't want to.  Connections in this world are so rare and so we must make the most of those that come along no matter how indefinite.  Intertwined.  I'm learning to live in the present fully and completely - I'm getting that from you.  There's no use looking beyond each moment - there aren't that many more to come, aren't that many already.  No expectations.

I'm a better me with you though - open, unafraid.  I easily share my stories - brief hesitation, dive right in - words I've rarely admitted out loud come spewing forth without fear - I don't know why or how, it just happens and I'm thankful for that.   And your words echo mine for which I'm grateful.  No judgment, just us.  Just being.  I want to sit with you forever and spill my insides, share all my words, hear all of yours but there isn't enough time - we fill all the spaces easily and there just always seems to be more.  You, me.  I cherish all your stories as you let me purge mine.  As we laugh and connect.  Commiserate.  Smile.

Our lives are on diverging paths - my head is fully aware, has known since before I met you and so I cherish the moments - the caffeine, the heat.  The phone calls, the Spanish.  You always give me more each time we part, plans - so different - surprisingly simple but I know one day you won't, can't.  I know that this has a deadline and yet I'm still jumping, still open, still ready.  Here and now.  Only now.

And so without reason I find happiness in you, from you, to you.  Shared.  Silly and serious, past and present.  Stories, simplicity.  Laughter, lots and lots of laughter.  I look into your eyes - see the sparkle, the mischief - I can't remember the last time I've done that consciously with another.  I want to absorb as much of it as I can until you go - but I won't push.  Not this time.  I'll take what you have to give fully understanding of your commitments, knowing that I fit into your world in pieces, no definitions, no constraints - just moments here and there.  And I know you'll come back... and when you do? Who knows.  I can't - won't - think that far ahead when I'm happy here and now, spending time with someone cool.  Connections - a funny thing.

Day 50... second draft

Needs some more work but a vast improvement over the emotionless drabble of draft one - I'm starting to like this version...  it's getting somewhere.

*******

"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome, totally fucked, but awesome." ~Tim Marshall 

Totally fucked but awesome.  A lifestyle, a community.  A place to get stronger, build confidence, be better.  The best you can be.  This is Crossfit.  This is my world.  That quote – the one that resonates in my head every workout, every day is from my coach, my friend, my inspiration – Tim Marshall. 

I was lucky to share breakfast by the ocean only a few weeks after arriving in Australia with Tim and a few others and we started talking about dreams of the future.  Bold and scary declarations of what we aspire to be.  Terrifying admissions but I could see the sparkle in Tim’s eye that morning – knew right then in my heart that he would achieve his goal – he would compete at the Crossfit Games – and I won’t underestimate him either – he might someday even win.  I believe in him – believe he truly has the desire, the drive, the confidence to get there, to give it his all.  To be one of the elite.  To be amongst his idols, competing against them.  He quotes times and placings of the likes of Blair Morrison and Ben Smith.  He lives and breathes the games literally from half a world away, watches it all happen in a place he has never even visited.  California dreaming.  He represents all that Crossfit is at just 19 years old.  This kid is going places.

In November 2010 Tim started his Crossfit journey, in January became a coach, a mentor to others.  To me.  He competed in the open in 2011, placed second in the intermediate division of the Primal Throwdown – all of this within six months of beginning this lifestyle.  He is driven, motivated, the definition of passion.

He once had dreams of becoming a professional ice hockey player, and it all changed one fateful day when a friend invited him over to ‘strength train’ on his rings, introduced him to the mainsite and a few WODs later and he was hooked.  His journey started then and there.  He eagerly writes his own WODs on the train to university and Karen, Elizabeth and Murph – back to back to back – merely training for the Primal Pairs with his twin brother.

He embodies everything Crossfit.  There is a sparkle, a little magic in his eyes that I see every time he works out – gets better.  And when he struggles, that’s when the best of him shines through – the determination, the courage, the commitment to get better.  The passion.

His biggest fear is of not measuring up – of not being good enough, the self-doubt drives him to get better every day.  I know however, knew from the moment that he said his dream out loud that beautiful morning over breakfast – that he will get there.  He will be there amongst his idols competing at the Crossfit games.  Look out world, Tim Marshall is coming.

Day 49... the interview, now what?

I interviewed Tim this morning for the article I'm writing for submission to the Crossfit Games.  He was kind enough to sit with me after the 6:45am workout that he coached and let me ask him questions - some quite personal - admitting things out loud that he didn't necessarily want too and I really appreciate that. 

Now what?

I'm stuck... the words are still floating - not coming together - I'm afraid to not do him justice.  I'm writing about him - his story and it has to be GREAT.  And I get it... I know how to overcome this - I just need to get the words out - anything - fill the page up, with garbage even and then go from there.  Rearrange, reorder, rewrite.  It is only then that the beauty will form, this isn't a story that just spews out - fingers on keyboard - free form.  This is a chronicling, of someone else's journey, someone else's dream, someone else.

I will find the angle, there are so many there, 500 words, barely skimming the surface and I'm determined to make it a glittery, stunning surface that everyone wants to jump into.

Day 48... yoga

I am excited to go to yoga tonight - hot yoga.  For the first time in almost a year.  Last year I completed the 30 day challenge in November, it was freeing - emotionally and physically.  I took a break after that period - consumed by the holidays, travel.  Went back a few times but that was it.  It's been a long time.

I miss the spirit of yoga.  Of my pushing my body.  Using my breath to go beyond what I'm normally capable of.  Focused.  Internalized.  Me.  I love savasna (lying down before and after class) just letting my mind go.  Focused breath, empty mind.  I see colours sometimes too - they ground me - center me.  Tell me where my focus needs to be - chakras.  Sometimes they colours emanate from thoughts of another - sending love, compassion, whatever they may need.  I cherish this.

I'm excited too because I'm going with someone I just met.  A new connection.  Developing.  I'm excited to see what it will bring.  Shared space.  Shared silence.  Silent.

I am excited to go to yoga tonight.

Day 47... inspiration?

I like to write, I want to focus my writing - it's why I write here.  But I've embarked on a new challenge - I've applied to write for the 2012 Crossfit Games.  I submitted a piece and have been asked to submit a second one - one specific to the Games.  This is my struggle.  I know so little about the games and even less about the competitors - currently I don't know anyone in the region with this goal though I intend to seek them out if selected for this journey. 

I currently struggle with what to write about - sure I write here daily - but it's different - I write whatever is on my mind in this instant - to write about a subject specifically? I haven't done that since highschool english assignments and even then it was a bit of a struggle.  And so I sit - afraid - terrified actually of this task.  In this moment it seems daunting but... I'm admitting that.  Putting it out there so that I will at least try - put my best foot forward into this.  My all.  I've told people close to me - am seeking their support - support they are so willing to give and so I will jump.  Two feet.  All I need is a little inspiration...

Day 46... music

Music... music once defined my life.  Not playing or singing or doing any of it but more that my life had a soundtrack.  A background track at all times.  There were few silences.  And now - that has changed.  I don't walk around the streets with my headphones in my ears.  My itunes is rarely opened at work.  I only have one cd in my car and therefore often listen to the radio - constantly scanning the channels for anything half decent.  I listen to more music at home but it's one playlist - repeated songs slowly shifting as the months pass by.  I don't need music like I used to.  It no longer influences my moods.  Perhaps it's because I am just happy.  I am fueled by so many other things that music has fallen into the background.  There is only one place that it matters to me - only one - the Crossfit box.  That is where I notice it most - there it is intense - angry, driven music gets me going, moving faster, harder.  That is the one place that I notice music.  Simplicity.

Day 45...

I remember what talking on the phone is like... the calling of the boy that you have that slight crush on - the pure communication - personal rather than taking the easy way - the texts.  It's funny how times change - how we became a society of text messaging - how my social circle back home was a myriad of snippets, making plans, confirming, sharing.  But here - it's all about the phone calls.  The conversations.  I must admit, it's taken me a little time to get used to - more often than not I avoid picking up - am taken aback - a little timid.  But I'm changing - slowly.  Taking those chances, sharing those words - full on sentences, unlimited characters.  It makes me smile.

Day 44...

Sundays are for:
-sleeping in
-breakfast
-coffee
-good company
-and conversation
-lingering
-and sharing
-inspirations
-market shopping
-fresh fruit and veggies
-wandering
-afternoon naps
-good food
-serenity
-writing
-snuggling
-laundry
-sunshine
-lemon picking
-relaxing

Sundays are for all of this - peace and simplicity.

Day 43...

There is something about the unconditional love of a child.  They just know whether they like you and that's that.  Unfiltered.  Attached. 

I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with just such a 7 year old.  I was manning the info booth at the Perth Royal with her father while her mother, sister and her explored the grounds (her mother had been in the booth all morning) - these were people I outrigger with but had only met a few times before - Lauren I'd only met once.

Each time they came back to the booth she took more of an interest in me until the end where she was helping me sell the show guides, eagerly, silly-ly.  It was fun.

After we had finished we wandered around the show and she held my hand, attached herself to me, and it was such a great feeling, so simple, so carefree.  She sat on my lap as we waited for her parents to shop, offered to share her lollies with me and curled right into me while watching the 3D fireworks.  It was amazing - such an innocent little girl - and it made me realize just how much we are able to complicate things as adults, how we censor ourselves, hide, afraid of being too much, too soon, too everything...  I wish we could all maintain some of that childhood innocence especially when in relationships.  Friendships.  That innocence that at the least allows us to just go with our gut, trust or not - purely intuition, sensing.  I yearn to be surrounded by that innocence.