Dec 31... 2011 in memories...

2011 was a big year for me... really big... moving (literally) half way around the world by my self big... and it was awesome for so many reasons both before and after the move... to capture some of it...

-completed my first half marathon - 13.1km in 2:25ish which was right on pace with my goal (win!), also ran a 15km race and the 10km sun run (pretty good for someone who doesn't like to run)
-paddled all winter in the small boat series and got to spend lots of quality time with good friends
-went to new (Denver, Perth) and old (Toronto, Ottawa) places
-accepted a job in Australia in March, signed the contract in April and had my visa approved in May
-epic sleepover... 6 people stayed in my one bedroom apartment and it was one of the best nights I've had in forever especially as the evening started with good friends, lots of food, cake and coffee ice cream (Calvin you rock!)... I still blame the late night giggles on the ice cream...
-said goodbye to some really awesome friends over the two months I was unemployed and packing my 8 years of Vancouver life into a 5' x 8' trailer (my life fits in a trailer... crazy!)
-had an awesome roadtrip to Ottawa with my 11 year old buddy to see my dearest friend and it was amazing
-saw Wicked (again) twice!
-came thisclose to seeing the Canucks win the Stanley Cup but instead smelled the burning rubber from the riots
-fell in love with English Bay but cheated on it with the paddle wheeler... sadly left them both behind because...
-I MOVED TO AUSTRALIA
-found an charming little cottage to move into
-bought a surfski (and am still learning to paddle it)
-found crossfit which has in many ways changed my life
-met an awesome group of inspiring people who are all chasing their own dreams and encouraging me to chase mine
-did my first unassisted pull-up
-went on many disastrous dates and was about to give up when I met a good one who makes me better and is teaching me to be calm and patient
-let go of one of my oldest friends and the person who once knew me best (bye ft)
-had a summer birthday (odd)
-and a summer christmas (very odd)
-went to a tiny little island in the South Pacific (Rarotonga) to see good friends and paddled outrigger for the first time in 3 months reconfirming my love of the sport

But most importantly 2011 has been the year I've been content all on my own, not wanting or needing for anything more than I have - beautiful people who love and support me all around the world - I've learned that stuff doesn't matter as much as relationships and that people come and go and we must cherish every moment we have with them... that it's easy to brighten a persons day with an unexpected phone call or a postcard or just a note telling them you're thinking about them... that the world isn't such a big place after all even though the oceans are daunting... it was a year of trusting my instincts and taking chances and it's made me stronger and I've loved every minute... bring it 2012, I'm ready for you!

Dec 27... 2011, a reflection...

Things 2011 has taught me...

-you cannot predict where you will be one year from now - sometimes even your wildest dreams don't come close to guessing
-it's better to speak your mind than hold back out of fear - we need to risk our hearts to find what we truly deserve and
-that which scares us the most matters most
-sometimes you just need to ask for what you want - the worst you can hear is no but at least then you can move forward
-sometimes your friends are found in the least likely of places - the constants aren't those you'd expect and the ones who you'd never thought would do keep in touch
-it's okay to move on - to let go when something isn't working anymore - to friendships, to loved ones or anything else that no longer makes you happy
-you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held - you just have to let them go so they can come back on their own, in time
-and it's okay to walk away from something that on the surface 'seems' right if in your heart it isn't regardless of what other people think (this was partly a 2010 realization)
-and it's okay to be lonely or sad but only for moments - then you must see the good and keep moving forward
-you don't get to choose your family and it's okay to leave them behind - if they truly love you you'll get all their support and not their spite
-we only get one chance in this world so we have to make each day count, savour the experiences both good and bad - the connections - they'll come and go but each one shapes us into who we are
-the world is massive - but technology can keep us close (most times)
-our greatest gift is our love - that we give freely without expectation, it makes us stronger
-the ability to accept love does as well
-love comes in many forms
-sometimes plans change and people who care for you surprise you by changing their plans so you don't have to be alone on a morning that means so much (thank you R.)
-traditions can be kept, or made on your own
-there is no predicting or dressing for Perth weather - sun/rain, heat/wind... constant changes
-the more you want your phone to ring the less likely it will
-but surprise wake-up calls on Christmas morning can make all the difference (thanks Ash!)
-and even when things look good and strong they often end unexpectedly and so we should cherish every good moment we have and ignore what may happen in the end
-30C Christmases don't feel right
-nor does summer in December
-crossfit is addictive
-the only place I can tune out the world is on my surfski or during a hard WOD
-the view is different from the top of a hill or from half way around the world
-good friends will always be there/ you can always come back to them
-sometimes all it takes is a slight shift in perspective to make things good again
-places that hold memories will fade over time and new ones will take their place - we need to keep making more memories
-a hot shower or a cold beer are cures for many things
-sometimes our dreams for the future change and that's okay... we only get one life to lead and it's not a straight line
-you have to take chances, lay it on the line to truly feel alive
-you can't depend on others to make you happy - you have to learn to do that on your own and that in itself will bring out more happiness around you
-2011 was my year for finding happiness - perhaps contentedness is a better description but I'm strong, standing on my own and I'm ready to find someone to share this life with, together, independently
-guacamole and watermelon could both be their own food groups
-paddling is the same around the world - and paddlers are a special welcoming breed and I love them all for it

Dec 21... rambling reflections

Personal revelations... I suck at them.  Communication - my biggest downfall at least when it comes to anything that truly matters to me, with anyone that truly matters.  There are so many past examples in my life of people closest to me - those that should never leave  - leaving.  I started to believe I wasn't good enough.  I'm not going to dwell on those details - but needless to say, it shaped me into who I am - this fearful little girl who hides behind this outspoken exterior taking about anything and everything except what truly matters to me on the inside.  It's why I choose to write - my words are easier this way.  I can express that which I can't verbalize.  But sometimes, sometimes I can't even share those words, they get written in little black books waiting for the right time to come out but when is that right time?  Is there a right time?

The right time is clearly not upon seeing each other again for the first time in 6 weeks - when I'm still completely confused about what's going on - a kiss that threw it all up in the air.  Happiness I'm afraid to give in to out of fear that it's taken away - reserved.  I don't know what to make of it.  I believe in the goodness of it all, believe in all that you've shown me - know that it can - will - work out but upon your return I was shy and hesitant and I definitely held back.  I know this... realized it clearly while sitting right beside you - I just couldn't do it.  Couldn't tell you about the words I'd written through the distance, couldn't tell you my fears but oh did I want to. I still want to and so I wait for your call... our next encounter - I'm ready to be brave with you.

I want to tell you how I'm horrible, completely horrible at sharing, opening up, trusting.  Trusting another with my innermost thoughts - because what happens if it's too much, if I'm not enough?  That hurt - I've felt it before and it's unbearable - holding it together while others fall apart, hiding the breaking that's happening to yourself.  I built my walls long ago - they're solid.  If I don't let anyone in - if I push them away before they get too close - I can't be hurt.  That's how it works right?  But it's not enough for me anymore... I know this.  If I can never open up, if I wait too long I might miss out on something beautiful and I know that if I don't risk anything, don't share part of myself than it will all just remain the same - one of us needs to make a leap - you showed me glimpses - opened up to me that last night - briefly - and it's time for me to return that offering.  I need to tell you this.

I know my motivations, how I react.  How I've pushed people, ran away.  I think we're similar.  I haven't with you though, I don't want to push and I don't want to run - I'm not going anywhere.  I'm still here - unbroken - because we've been taking it slow...  but I want to share more.  I'm ready to open up - nothing earth shattering at all - just this revelation, for now - about how I suck at communicating - just a small little piece but I think it matters, a step.  It will also help me realize it's not so bad - and I'm willing - if you'll have patience with me as I stutter and struggle and try to half ass it - if you push me to just say it, sit quietly while I stumble - if you're beside me then I'm ready to do this.  I have to let my fears stop holding me back... I don't want to be that girl anymore.  I want to take chances and speak my words - out loud - to you.

Dec 19...

This is what happens when I can't sleep at 2am and resort to writing the jumble of thoughts in my head - facts mashed together with ridiculous rambling - eating cookies in bed.  It's a mess right now but I'm liking where it's going.   Also - I wish I knew if *you* read this...

It’s not about the grand gestures - it’s about the million different little things - silly jokes and paper hearts, bbq’s… a shared look - staring into the others eyes with a sense of calm recognition that there is nowhere else you’d rather be.  Together.  It’s equally about him remembering to ask about your parents as it is about forgetting where you keep the salt and pepper.  About reading the exhaustion that lines his face from the days spent apart and knowing that though hard on you both, the world looks different now to him - the city hasn’t changed - but he has, if only just a little.  It’s about letting go even when you want to hold on tight trusting with confidence that he’ll come back again when he can simply because he wants to - to share stories and kisses - with you.  It’s about finding the courage to ask for what you want - to wake up to his smile on Christmas morning - even though you fear the answer.  That hearing no doesn’t mean the world stops but rather that the two of you will still be okay, stronger.  It’s to believing that time and patience are the keys to any relationship even when he has more patience than you and you have more time than him but together you balance each other out, make the pieces fit.  It’s not about the separation or the unanswered texts but rather about living in the details everyday - of his scent left on your pillow, your book he’s eager to read, the dinners shared, a surprise plant.  It’s as much about the times spent apart as it is together - about this journey through life - each day a little more - hand in hand, an ocean apart - understanding that another person is on your side - ready to catch you when you fall, support you when you’re sad, hug you when you’re home and learning to love you without asking the questions, without saying the words - that the answers, if important, will all be revealed in time.  It’s about picking up right where things left off and accepting that decisions are not always your own - differences of opinion make you both better, compromise allows us to grow and sometimes things are beyond our control but trust - trust is essential, it's enough.   It’s about the smiles and silliness and cherishing the minutes, each and every one because though time is infinite our lives are not and while we are here it’s best we spend them living with all the passion we can sustain.  There’s no use waiting on the inflated bullshit but rather a need to cherish our health and strength, independence and laughter and the happiness we gain as partners - ravishing each other when we can, yearning when we must but also learning to love, truly love even in the face of heartbreak.  Full on.  Love is the boldest gesture of all.

Dec 18... words unsaid

The air is hazy right now with all the things left hanging, unspoken...

"I missed you"
"I'm glad you're back"
"I like you too"

Words floating in space - they're there between us... in nuanced sentences, in hesitant hugs.  They envelop the silence.

"I've been looking forward to this"
"Another hug please"
"You look good"

The words that get said instead - filtered.. each holding back just a tiny bit, uncertain.  Afraid of saying the wrong thing, of saying too much.  Unknowing.  Shy.

And now I'm stuck here wishing I'd spoken aloud all the things I've been waiting to tell you, the things that I wrote to you while you were away - they drift all around me as I try to sleep.  Words that I *want* to share but don't know how to voice, the ones that call out in the darkness wishing you were here to hear them... words that instead hang between us as we figure out how to pick up where we left off... before repeating this all over again.

(I have no doubt we'll figure it out... that I'll voice my words... that we will learn to say things without holding back... in time, with patience...)

Day 113... sunday surfski session

Sunday was for surfski... for the first time in a long time... and I enjoyed it.  It took me a while to figure out where I wanted to go - where I wouldn't be afraid of the water, of the wind.  I ended up just in East Freo where my canoe club paddles from - both pros and cons to this location - there is a lot of shore to stick close to to temper my fear of falling in and being unable to remount but there is also a ton of boat traffic, more that I remembered though that makes sense given that now it is summer.

Often I would set myself up to handle the wake, heading straight down it or right into it but a few times I challenged myself by trying to ride it sideways a bit, figuring out where that point was.  I almost fell in once - that tipping point where it could go either way - boat on it's side on my left, paddle bracing right , leaning on it.  And after a precarious few seconds I was upright again, balanced.  Saved.  Dry.  It felt good to have that skill, practice from many days spent surfing my outrigger.  A tiny bit more confidence to add to the pile.

I felt really strong while paddling, core engaged, firm plant and pull, arms straight.  It comes from Crossfit, this strength and stability - I can feel the difference and I love it.  It's a lot more tiring though than outrigger - twice as many strokes... I was still a little tipsy at times though with the secondary stability in my boat I managed to stay upright playing around a bit with the boat wake at different angles, figuring out how to surf.  The one thing I love about the ski over the outrigger is the ability to quickly jump on waves (a few quick strokes and you're on), much more power than paddling only on one side. 

The bonus was that I wasn't afraid this time.  The last time I was out I remember how terrified I was of the water, of everything about it and it's taken me quite some time to get over it.  I think it stems from that one time I struggled in the wind and waves to remount... the fear.  This time it was gone - I still fought strongly against falling in but I wasn't immobilized, tense with the fear of it all.  Perhaps it was because it's warmer, or that there were so many people around, I was close to shore.  Any number of things but each one allowing me to gain a little bit more confidence in my abilities so that one day I don't even have to think about it, it's just a natural movement.

Day 112... things that I love

Things that I love... a list...

-a good book/ old books/ used bookstores
-campfires
-crisp fall air and the leaves changing colours
-flying someplace new (the smell of the air when you get off the plane)
-Christmas (the comfort, not the commercialisation)
-warm rain
-thunderstorms
-sunsets and dusk
-driving fast with the windows down and the music loud (roadtrips!)
-daisies
-board games
-naps
-hugs
-surprise visits
-laughing until you cry
-a good quote
-rollercoasters
-random texts
-saying how you feel
-sending postcards
-getting unexpected mail
-coffee
-music that brings back old memories
-jeans and a t-shirt
-flip-flops (or bare feet)
-the smell of a freshly mowed lawn
-sprinklers
-fruit trees
-piles of snow through the window
-making snow angels
-my gumboots
-hearts/ heart decorations
-character
-cabins in the woods or shacks on the beach
-star gazing...

what do you love?

Day 111...

I'm sitting by fairy light listening to Christmas tunes (my favorite) as the warmth envelops me (no need for fireplaces in summer)...  All that is missing is you - and perhaps some Santa approved milk and (fresh baked) cookies.  Hurry up and come back, I'm slowly starting to get impatient.

Day 110...

Awkward hugs... how to prevent them... don't get me wrong - I LOVE hugs... but only in the right setting, the right context.  Not as colleagues, coworkers.  That's crossing an undefined line but yet it's so hard to get out of, avoid - especially when you're one of the few women - shared experiences with the others - no resolution.  You can't react for fear of being *that* girl and so you just play along - force a smile and try to be just a little bit more prepared the next time.

Day 109...

Unexpected messages from those you knew in passing... so beautifully perfect.  Knowing that even through all the distance, distant.... people care to know what's going on - care enough to ask.  I cherish that, every single time.  It will never get old and will bring an even bigger smile to my face when I return back to that place, see the familiar faces and know, I still belong.

Day 108...

Censored... abbreviated...

Your birthday... bbq's, talking, never ending talking... words continuing until we can no longer keep our eyes open in the darkness... secrets and fears revealed... falling asleep...

Christmas morning... sun shining, coffee and waking smiles...silliness, laughter...  pancakes, music... the perfect christmas gift...

Day 107...

When I crawl into bed at night I can feel what it'd be like to have you beside me - sharing space so close - barely touching because of the heat though maintaining the connection somehow - fingers, toes.  Lulled to sleep by your calm breathing beside me.  I can picture myself waking in your strong arms - the ones I curled into when I got a little too cold during the night, the ones you wrapped tightly around me, instinctively, in slumber.  Slow soft kisses to bring us into the daylight - playful laughter, deep stretching hugs.  Coffee in bed, the patio.  I know how refreshed I'd feel after a night with you - no worries, no strange sounds - no monsters, you'd protect me.  We fit together - that I already know, I just have to be patient enough to wait on the rest.  I know it's coming, just like that hug.  I get you, get us and it's working.  Slowly.  Differently.

Day 106...

I promise I'm writing, hate that I have to justify it here but the words, sometimes they're private, just mine. Not meant for a forum such as this - and so they stay... inside my book, my brain.  Shared solely with those they are meant for and that's enough. That's all that really matters.

Day 105...

I look for you everywhere, hoping to spot you back in town but I know you're not, not yet - you still feel distant, no close by in the city...  But still, that doesn't stop me from looking at the stride of runner's, the form of guys doing pull-ups by the beach, searching for the faces of those that have similar haircuts from behind.  I want hours to stare and memorize your face for the next time you go away...

Day 104... December 1st... last one

December

Six months ago I started writing to you - these monthly notes... inspired by a late June drive across the prairies, darkness surrounding me - became a way to reach out to you one last time.  Last time.

It was on a different drive home tonight, summer once again warm upon my skin in the dark evening air that I realised it's time to stop - this one last time.  Last time.

The same song was playing in both moments- the one I sent to you that first month...  nevermind, I'll find someone like you - and I will, and I have - better even as he knows me now - the amazing women I've grown into - not hiding anymore, no longer running.  I think you'd like me now.  I've come a long way since you last truly knew who I was and I think that's what made me realise it's time to let go.  I'm such a different person - perhaps I'm finally the person that you saw all along but now - now I see it too.  Perhaps I'm the only one who does but that's the beauty of it all - it's all that matters.  Me.   I don't need your reflection anymore - haven't actually for a long time it's just taken me a while to let go.  I'm happy with who I have become, who I am.  I'm happy.

I wish nothing but the best for you... I truly hope you have found your happiness, have maybe even settled down and if you haven't yet please don't be jaded - don't let that overcome you - the you that I knew - the one I wasn't ready for... no regrets remember.  I think the last time I saw you I started to see it, the bitterness - overlooked it because of our history but you seemed disillusioned - I hope that's not the case - hope it was merely a moment in time - that you've moved on to bigger and better, found everything you could dream of.  Everything.  More.

And so this is goodbye - I have to let you go.  While I wish we could find a way back to friendship, in my heart I know our story ended long ago, never fully had a change to start - timing all wrong, growing up still to do.  It just took me this long to let go.  Hate letting go.  Still struggle with the thought of it all while the tears fill my eyes one last time.  You'll always be in my heart - for the amazing times we did have, the ones I remember most.  For the struggles - the things I wish I could go back and change, known better.  For the moments that passed us by too soon.  I remember it all, will always remember it all.  Don't forget me I beg.

****
You're gone and I miss you - who know Bryan Adams could be so profound - or perhaps that was merely you foreshadowing how it would all end...

Day 103

first day of Christmas music + first day of summer = very strange indeed