Day 51... indefinite connections...

I struggle to write this to you knowing that I'm close to sharing this space.  You'll read it.  I'm not afraid of my words in all their honesty, I'm just scared of your reaction.  I don't know you well enough to know what it might be - I have an idea but it's yet to be confirmed and I don't want you to run off when I'm just getting to know you.

It's funny, I'm calm with you - where normally I'd push, struggle, grasp.  You're different - I think that's it.  With the others I knew there was nothing there even through all the bullshit - when there is nothing, there's really nothing to lose.  And I knew.  And so I pushed.  Pushed so that it'd be done with, moving on rather than playing games.  I hate games.

With you - it's simple.  Easy.  Easy and yet so damn complicated if that makes any sense at all.  Happy.  I find myself having an illogical crush on you but I can't deny it - don't want to.  Connections in this world are so rare and so we must make the most of those that come along no matter how indefinite.  Intertwined.  I'm learning to live in the present fully and completely - I'm getting that from you.  There's no use looking beyond each moment - there aren't that many more to come, aren't that many already.  No expectations.

I'm a better me with you though - open, unafraid.  I easily share my stories - brief hesitation, dive right in - words I've rarely admitted out loud come spewing forth without fear - I don't know why or how, it just happens and I'm thankful for that.   And your words echo mine for which I'm grateful.  No judgment, just us.  Just being.  I want to sit with you forever and spill my insides, share all my words, hear all of yours but there isn't enough time - we fill all the spaces easily and there just always seems to be more.  You, me.  I cherish all your stories as you let me purge mine.  As we laugh and connect.  Commiserate.  Smile.

Our lives are on diverging paths - my head is fully aware, has known since before I met you and so I cherish the moments - the caffeine, the heat.  The phone calls, the Spanish.  You always give me more each time we part, plans - so different - surprisingly simple but I know one day you won't, can't.  I know that this has a deadline and yet I'm still jumping, still open, still ready.  Here and now.  Only now.

And so without reason I find happiness in you, from you, to you.  Shared.  Silly and serious, past and present.  Stories, simplicity.  Laughter, lots and lots of laughter.  I look into your eyes - see the sparkle, the mischief - I can't remember the last time I've done that consciously with another.  I want to absorb as much of it as I can until you go - but I won't push.  Not this time.  I'll take what you have to give fully understanding of your commitments, knowing that I fit into your world in pieces, no definitions, no constraints - just moments here and there.  And I know you'll come back... and when you do? Who knows.  I can't - won't - think that far ahead when I'm happy here and now, spending time with someone cool.  Connections - a funny thing.

Day 50... second draft

Needs some more work but a vast improvement over the emotionless drabble of draft one - I'm starting to like this version...  it's getting somewhere.

*******

"...when the heavy, rapid breathing begins to diminish, and you find yourself able to string a few words together that somewhat resemble a sentence, you'll most likely hear yourself saying "that (gasp) was (gasp) awesome, totally fucked, but awesome." ~Tim Marshall 

Totally fucked but awesome.  A lifestyle, a community.  A place to get stronger, build confidence, be better.  The best you can be.  This is Crossfit.  This is my world.  That quote – the one that resonates in my head every workout, every day is from my coach, my friend, my inspiration – Tim Marshall. 

I was lucky to share breakfast by the ocean only a few weeks after arriving in Australia with Tim and a few others and we started talking about dreams of the future.  Bold and scary declarations of what we aspire to be.  Terrifying admissions but I could see the sparkle in Tim’s eye that morning – knew right then in my heart that he would achieve his goal – he would compete at the Crossfit Games – and I won’t underestimate him either – he might someday even win.  I believe in him – believe he truly has the desire, the drive, the confidence to get there, to give it his all.  To be one of the elite.  To be amongst his idols, competing against them.  He quotes times and placings of the likes of Blair Morrison and Ben Smith.  He lives and breathes the games literally from half a world away, watches it all happen in a place he has never even visited.  California dreaming.  He represents all that Crossfit is at just 19 years old.  This kid is going places.

In November 2010 Tim started his Crossfit journey, in January became a coach, a mentor to others.  To me.  He competed in the open in 2011, placed second in the intermediate division of the Primal Throwdown – all of this within six months of beginning this lifestyle.  He is driven, motivated, the definition of passion.

He once had dreams of becoming a professional ice hockey player, and it all changed one fateful day when a friend invited him over to ‘strength train’ on his rings, introduced him to the mainsite and a few WODs later and he was hooked.  His journey started then and there.  He eagerly writes his own WODs on the train to university and Karen, Elizabeth and Murph – back to back to back – merely training for the Primal Pairs with his twin brother.

He embodies everything Crossfit.  There is a sparkle, a little magic in his eyes that I see every time he works out – gets better.  And when he struggles, that’s when the best of him shines through – the determination, the courage, the commitment to get better.  The passion.

His biggest fear is of not measuring up – of not being good enough, the self-doubt drives him to get better every day.  I know however, knew from the moment that he said his dream out loud that beautiful morning over breakfast – that he will get there.  He will be there amongst his idols competing at the Crossfit games.  Look out world, Tim Marshall is coming.

Day 49... the interview, now what?

I interviewed Tim this morning for the article I'm writing for submission to the Crossfit Games.  He was kind enough to sit with me after the 6:45am workout that he coached and let me ask him questions - some quite personal - admitting things out loud that he didn't necessarily want too and I really appreciate that. 

Now what?

I'm stuck... the words are still floating - not coming together - I'm afraid to not do him justice.  I'm writing about him - his story and it has to be GREAT.  And I get it... I know how to overcome this - I just need to get the words out - anything - fill the page up, with garbage even and then go from there.  Rearrange, reorder, rewrite.  It is only then that the beauty will form, this isn't a story that just spews out - fingers on keyboard - free form.  This is a chronicling, of someone else's journey, someone else's dream, someone else.

I will find the angle, there are so many there, 500 words, barely skimming the surface and I'm determined to make it a glittery, stunning surface that everyone wants to jump into.

Day 48... yoga

I am excited to go to yoga tonight - hot yoga.  For the first time in almost a year.  Last year I completed the 30 day challenge in November, it was freeing - emotionally and physically.  I took a break after that period - consumed by the holidays, travel.  Went back a few times but that was it.  It's been a long time.

I miss the spirit of yoga.  Of my pushing my body.  Using my breath to go beyond what I'm normally capable of.  Focused.  Internalized.  Me.  I love savasna (lying down before and after class) just letting my mind go.  Focused breath, empty mind.  I see colours sometimes too - they ground me - center me.  Tell me where my focus needs to be - chakras.  Sometimes they colours emanate from thoughts of another - sending love, compassion, whatever they may need.  I cherish this.

I'm excited too because I'm going with someone I just met.  A new connection.  Developing.  I'm excited to see what it will bring.  Shared space.  Shared silence.  Silent.

I am excited to go to yoga tonight.

Day 47... inspiration?

I like to write, I want to focus my writing - it's why I write here.  But I've embarked on a new challenge - I've applied to write for the 2012 Crossfit Games.  I submitted a piece and have been asked to submit a second one - one specific to the Games.  This is my struggle.  I know so little about the games and even less about the competitors - currently I don't know anyone in the region with this goal though I intend to seek them out if selected for this journey. 

I currently struggle with what to write about - sure I write here daily - but it's different - I write whatever is on my mind in this instant - to write about a subject specifically? I haven't done that since highschool english assignments and even then it was a bit of a struggle.  And so I sit - afraid - terrified actually of this task.  In this moment it seems daunting but... I'm admitting that.  Putting it out there so that I will at least try - put my best foot forward into this.  My all.  I've told people close to me - am seeking their support - support they are so willing to give and so I will jump.  Two feet.  All I need is a little inspiration...

Day 46... music

Music... music once defined my life.  Not playing or singing or doing any of it but more that my life had a soundtrack.  A background track at all times.  There were few silences.  And now - that has changed.  I don't walk around the streets with my headphones in my ears.  My itunes is rarely opened at work.  I only have one cd in my car and therefore often listen to the radio - constantly scanning the channels for anything half decent.  I listen to more music at home but it's one playlist - repeated songs slowly shifting as the months pass by.  I don't need music like I used to.  It no longer influences my moods.  Perhaps it's because I am just happy.  I am fueled by so many other things that music has fallen into the background.  There is only one place that it matters to me - only one - the Crossfit box.  That is where I notice it most - there it is intense - angry, driven music gets me going, moving faster, harder.  That is the one place that I notice music.  Simplicity.

Day 45...

I remember what talking on the phone is like... the calling of the boy that you have that slight crush on - the pure communication - personal rather than taking the easy way - the texts.  It's funny how times change - how we became a society of text messaging - how my social circle back home was a myriad of snippets, making plans, confirming, sharing.  But here - it's all about the phone calls.  The conversations.  I must admit, it's taken me a little time to get used to - more often than not I avoid picking up - am taken aback - a little timid.  But I'm changing - slowly.  Taking those chances, sharing those words - full on sentences, unlimited characters.  It makes me smile.

Day 44...

Sundays are for:
-sleeping in
-breakfast
-coffee
-good company
-and conversation
-lingering
-and sharing
-inspirations
-market shopping
-fresh fruit and veggies
-wandering
-afternoon naps
-good food
-serenity
-writing
-snuggling
-laundry
-sunshine
-lemon picking
-relaxing

Sundays are for all of this - peace and simplicity.

Day 43...

There is something about the unconditional love of a child.  They just know whether they like you and that's that.  Unfiltered.  Attached. 

I was lucky enough to spend the afternoon with just such a 7 year old.  I was manning the info booth at the Perth Royal with her father while her mother, sister and her explored the grounds (her mother had been in the booth all morning) - these were people I outrigger with but had only met a few times before - Lauren I'd only met once.

Each time they came back to the booth she took more of an interest in me until the end where she was helping me sell the show guides, eagerly, silly-ly.  It was fun.

After we had finished we wandered around the show and she held my hand, attached herself to me, and it was such a great feeling, so simple, so carefree.  She sat on my lap as we waited for her parents to shop, offered to share her lollies with me and curled right into me while watching the 3D fireworks.  It was amazing - such an innocent little girl - and it made me realize just how much we are able to complicate things as adults, how we censor ourselves, hide, afraid of being too much, too soon, too everything...  I wish we could all maintain some of that childhood innocence especially when in relationships.  Friendships.  That innocence that at the least allows us to just go with our gut, trust or not - purely intuition, sensing.  I yearn to be surrounded by that innocence.

Day 42...

Today is a reflection on me - who I am... perhaps just a brief start of some likes and dislikes...

I love (in no relevant order AT ALL):
-travelling and the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane - it's always different and to me marks the start of a new adventure
-late night conversations - there's something about sharing our deepest thoughts in the darkness, about defying sleep to tell our stories
-roadtrips - driving fast down the hwy, windows down, music loud, no set destination
-challenges and being challenged
-passion - about something, anything... coasting through life is boring and such a waste
-writing - obviously (day 42!!)
-inspiring people and being inspired by inspiring people - closely related to being passionate about something
-a good hug - be careful, I steal these a lot... ask my paddling peeps back home...
-crossfit - a new challenge and so fulfilling and challenging and competitive (internally), it's making me a better, stronger person
-yoga - need to get back to this - it keeps me balanced emotionally and physically
-simplicity - there is no need to cause drama
-people who follow their hearts rather them logic or what society tells us we should do
-dusk - the world slows down in this transition from day to night
-laughter, silliness, getting in touch with our inner child, playing with children - it's eye opening
-warm rain and running in warm rain, it's soothing and calms my soul like being out in my canoe... cheap therapy
-music - a necessity - my life needs a soundtrack but it'd be all over the place
-happiness - it took me a long time to get to this point in my life - but I'm happy... I can't explain how or why but I just am and I like the feeling
-my family - even though we're small, just the three of us we're solid... I appreciate the love and support through everything
-my friends - oldest, old and new - you are always there for me even through the years, distance and newness, all offering such variety and strength through it all
-my job - mostly... I like my career path and the places I've been because of it (including 70km from the North Pole) and that I once got to hold a gold bar that weighed 25kg and was worth over $250,000 at the time (would now be approx. $800,000)
-Sunday mornings - sleeping in, a coffee on the porch, relaxing in the sunshine
-skype (and how it keeps me close to my friends)
-getting fun mail - physical hand written mail - like postcards from places my friends are and pictures from my little buddy Justyn
-red wine and beer and breakfast (though preferably not all together)

Dislikes:
-the word no
-Halloween
-New Years
-shoes
-the squeal from a boiling kettle
-people that stand in doorways, rush to get on a plane or try to get on an elevator when people are still getting of
-fish and seafood - though I suffered (understatement) through a plate of smoked salmon when I was taken out for a fancy dinner in Copenhagen
-being trapped by a volcano (an extra week in Copenhagen seems lovely but it really wasn't at all)