December 2012

December 17, 2012

Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence.  Your silence.

My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again.  It’s a feeling, nestled deep.  Ebb and flow.  Captured clearly in your sad eyes.  My pattern when this happens is to grasp.  Grab.  To hold on tight out of fear.  But that’s never worked for me before.  Doesn’t work for you now.  So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away.  I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me.  To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly.  The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about.  The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me.  Without expectation or need but purely out of want.  A mutually open connection.

Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance.  Your silence.


December 16, 2012

Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days.  Recollections.  Reflections.

It could be the time of year.
     Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
     Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
     October turned into December
It could be the similarities

     The seasons

     The scenery

     Both of you offering not quite enough

     Guarded, stubborn, temporary 
It could be the differences

     Kisses burning my lips

     Consistent and generous words

     Passionate embraces disappearing in an instant

     Sparkling eyes and hugs that last for days

     Taking lives

     A love of life 

As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed.  A year gone by.  A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy.  You.

And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.

Sitting beside me.  Holding my hand and smiling.  Happy.  Together. 

November 18, 2012 - I need you too....

I missed you today.  I had to resist the million urges I had to message you silly things.  I needed you to miss me too,  if only a little.  I wonder though if you noticed I wasn't there. I haven't heard.  You've stopped reaching out to me lately.  No morning texts, no random calls.  When I'm upset, hurting you're there reaching out but on the other days it's always a response to me.  Maybe I don't make it simple.  Safe.  But that's just who I am.  You know that.  I've realized too that I'm not good at needing people, it's a bit harder to care for me but I need it all the same.  Maybe even more.

I watched you last night - time and time again you reached out to your best friends but not to me.  In many ways I'm jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they get the you that I want.  The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness.  I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate, gentlemanly - this thing you do for them.  Them.  But as I sat back and watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?

I question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets?  All I did last night was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me.  You responded too, every time.  Responded.  Reacted.  No action though.  Nothing specifically for me except what I stole.  I don't want to be a thief.  I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or more.  Give and take.  Reciprocal.  There's no true happiness any other way. 

Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me.  Randomly.  The boy who suggests dinner and documentaries.  Who calls me, just because and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I blissfully drift to sleep.  I see it from a distance across a crowded room, eyes searching for my blue shirt.  In a caress on my back in a bookstore.   I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity coming out.  Grasping.

I need the man who can agree that a hug feels great rather than changing the subject.  Deflecting.  I need the man who grabs my hand first because he just can't stop himself.   The one who spins me around in a joyful dance.  The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little and who is vulnerable enough to need me too.  The man who wants me as much as I want him - equal.  But you've been clear - you're not that man.  At least not yet.

Everything logically tells me you're falling for me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in.  Your silence, your retreat.  I have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems.   I know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the bottom either.  I need you too it just looks different.  You'll see.

september 13, 2012... a kickstart

This blog is coming back to life... I was inspired this morning and while those words will take a bit more time to reach the white of this space I know that I need to write.  I can't promise every day, I can't force the words like I did last time but I do need more focus, so I'm putting it here.  More words, weekly at least. 

I figure if I can nudge a good friend into writing more for my benefit I can do so myself for whomever may be interested in my words.  And more importantly, to write the words for myself, for clarity.  To grow.  I need to purge them now and then, let them see the light so I can learn. 

There is a lot going on in my life right now but at the end of it all it distills down to happiness in the simplest of forms.  I am happy.  Life is simple.  I will write.

august 30, 2012 - it sounded different today...

Ever hear a song and it just fits the moment perfectly?  It could be a song you've heard a million times before in a many different places but for some reason in one specific moment it goes beyond words and sounds and blends in with the world around you, the vastness, the emptiness, the lyrics taking on a deeper meaning at that point in time?  That happened to me today... my thoughts were wrapped up in you.  Wondering, worrying, wanting to throw my arms around you and not let go.  One big hug saying more than any words ever could.  The song was Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol but it wasn't the album version, it's the live version recorded at Union Chapel and it's haunting and full of yearning and in that moment this afternoon as I walked out into the sunshine and let the weight of today sink over me it came on… it stopped me where I stood and suddenly took on new meaning and wrapped itself in you.  I know you're okay, you told me you would be - it would be and I believe you with everything in me.  I know I'll see your face soon enough, that cheeky grin that lights up your eyes.  I will feel your strong arms wrap around me and we'll lie beside each other and talk about ridiculous things and we'll laugh and enjoy that moment, a little bit of normal - it's all I can offer you, all that you've ever wanted and maybe that's just enough.

august 14th - it's simple really...

I want to be your friend.  I try to be your friend.  When I find myself giving up on being your friend you shock me.  In person.  You're warm and welcoming and it makes me question everything.  Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that I think you are cute and sweet but you are, it's true.  Why hold that back?  It doesn't mean I want you, another boy a million miles away holds that spot for me - though that first hug did catch me by surprise.  I wonder if my seeing you regularly - in passing - is what keeps us from hanging out - no need to make time for someone you see so often... but there's so much more to share, stories to be told though I find myself giving up, tired of asking.  It shouldn't be this hard, it's simple really.  I want to be your friend.

7/3... a rush of emotions

I thought of you today when I heard the news...

Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...

I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part.  The unknown, the unknowing.  But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey.  I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.

I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now.  But know that you're in my thoughts, every day.  I smile when I remember something silly.  I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days.  I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with.  Your last words though, they echo through my mind.  It will be okay.  I trust that.  It will be okay.

Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me but at least respect me enough to say so.  I get that you're a professed 'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave you alone say so, it's not really that complicated.  It's all on you...

Thankful(?) Things Thursday

So thursday's are supposed to be for thankful things so lets see what we can do about it after this revelation...

-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that.  It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...

-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim

So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?

May 21, 2012

You're still here and already I miss you.  Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be.  I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to.  You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world.  I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this.  If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that.  But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears.  I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss.  A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this.  I can't ask anymore.  We both know now that it's completely up to you.  Everything is up to you.

One

May 20, 2012

I promise to never cry when you leave.  Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'.  I will never cry - at least not in your presence.

Over the past week the tears have come.  Unexpectedly.  Unrelentingly.  They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least.  And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach.  A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.

The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe.  No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already.  For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me.  They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you  more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much.  I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people.  Together.  But this time it's harder...

All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief.  But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months.  Months.  A year.  I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable.  It's daunting.  And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect.  I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters.  These letters to you.