December 2012

December 17, 2012

Thank you for teaching me a lesson tonight – from your absence.  Your silence.

My intuition tells me you’re pulling away again.  It’s a feeling, nestled deep.  Ebb and flow.  Captured clearly in your sad eyes.  My pattern when this happens is to grasp.  Grab.  To hold on tight out of fear.  But that’s never worked for me before.  Doesn’t work for you now.  So I’m letting go – backing off so you don’t run away.  I’ll be here when you’re ready to run back to me.  To be the man I know you are – selfless and sarcastic, stubborn and silly.  The man I fell for, the man I am crazy about.  The man whose eyes sparkle because he is truly excited to see me.  Without expectation or need but purely out of want.  A mutually open connection.

Thank you for giving me this lesson tonight – through your distance.  Your silence.


December 16, 2012

Thoughts of you turn more and more to him these days.  Recollections.  Reflections.

It could be the time of year.
     Summer warm upon the cool night breeze
     Dinner on the terrace, mosquitoes biting
     October turned into December
It could be the similarities

     The seasons

     The scenery

     Both of you offering not quite enough

     Guarded, stubborn, temporary 
It could be the differences

     Kisses burning my lips

     Consistent and generous words

     Passionate embraces disappearing in an instant

     Sparkling eyes and hugs that last for days

     Taking lives

     A love of life 

As I walk these familiar steps, the scenery has changed.  A year gone by.  A new season.
The same destination.
A different boy.  You.

And as I sit in this spot so familiar, so comforting –a place once shared with him – I wish it was you that were here.

Sitting beside me.  Holding my hand and smiling.  Happy.  Together. 

November 18, 2012 - I need you too....

I missed you today.  I had to resist the million urges I had to message you silly things.  I needed you to miss me too,  if only a little.  I wonder though if you noticed I wasn't there. I haven't heard.  You've stopped reaching out to me lately.  No morning texts, no random calls.  When I'm upset, hurting you're there reaching out but on the other days it's always a response to me.  Maybe I don't make it simple.  Safe.  But that's just who I am.  You know that.  I've realized too that I'm not good at needing people, it's a bit harder to care for me but I need it all the same.  Maybe even more.

I watched you last night - time and time again you reached out to your best friends but not to me.  In many ways I'm jealous of these girls - not in a romantic sense but rather because they get the you that I want.  The you who can reach out to them - seeking a safe harbor to play in - they don't seem to look back - just a one way mirror for them - you reflecting their goodness.  I think it's an amazing ability you have - generous, compassionate, gentlemanly - this thing you do for them.  Them.  But as I sat back and watched all I could wonder was what, unselfishly, was in it for you?

I question whether what you're giving to them is now what you're getting from me - a weird series of one way streets?  All I did last night was reach out to you - a touch, a hug, a silly remark - just to get you to smile, to grab your attention, to get you to look back at me.  You responded too, every time.  Responded.  Reacted.  No action though.  Nothing specifically for me except what I stole.  I don't want to be a thief.  I want an equal partnership - whether as friends or more.  Give and take.  Reciprocal.  There's no true happiness any other way. 

Don't get me wrong, I do see you reach for me.  Randomly.  The boy who suggests dinner and documentaries.  Who calls me, just because and then spends an hour playing his guitar as I blissfully drift to sleep.  I see it from a distance across a crowded room, eyes searching for my blue shirt.  In a caress on my back in a bookstore.   I feel it in your hugs every time I reach out but those moments feel less frequent, more empty space in between, my insecurity coming out.  Grasping.

I need the man who can agree that a hug feels great rather than changing the subject.  Deflecting.  I need the man who grabs my hand first because he just can't stop himself.   The one who spins me around in a joyful dance.  The man who lets me in, trusts me - even just a little and who is vulnerable enough to need me too.  The man who wants me as much as I want him - equal.  But you've been clear - you're not that man.  At least not yet.

Everything logically tells me you're falling for me too but through the distance my doubts sneak in.  Your silence, your retreat.  I have all the time in the world for you - you need to find that place for me in yours even though I don't need you to fix me, my problems.   I know I won't always be at the top of your list but I can't be at the bottom either.  I need you too it just looks different.  You'll see.

september 13, 2012... a kickstart

This blog is coming back to life... I was inspired this morning and while those words will take a bit more time to reach the white of this space I know that I need to write.  I can't promise every day, I can't force the words like I did last time but I do need more focus, so I'm putting it here.  More words, weekly at least. 

I figure if I can nudge a good friend into writing more for my benefit I can do so myself for whomever may be interested in my words.  And more importantly, to write the words for myself, for clarity.  To grow.  I need to purge them now and then, let them see the light so I can learn. 

There is a lot going on in my life right now but at the end of it all it distills down to happiness in the simplest of forms.  I am happy.  Life is simple.  I will write.

august 30, 2012 - it sounded different today...

Ever hear a song and it just fits the moment perfectly?  It could be a song you've heard a million times before in a many different places but for some reason in one specific moment it goes beyond words and sounds and blends in with the world around you, the vastness, the emptiness, the lyrics taking on a deeper meaning at that point in time?  That happened to me today... my thoughts were wrapped up in you.  Wondering, worrying, wanting to throw my arms around you and not let go.  One big hug saying more than any words ever could.  The song was Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol but it wasn't the album version, it's the live version recorded at Union Chapel and it's haunting and full of yearning and in that moment this afternoon as I walked out into the sunshine and let the weight of today sink over me it came on… it stopped me where I stood and suddenly took on new meaning and wrapped itself in you.  I know you're okay, you told me you would be - it would be and I believe you with everything in me.  I know I'll see your face soon enough, that cheeky grin that lights up your eyes.  I will feel your strong arms wrap around me and we'll lie beside each other and talk about ridiculous things and we'll laugh and enjoy that moment, a little bit of normal - it's all I can offer you, all that you've ever wanted and maybe that's just enough.

august 14th - it's simple really...

I want to be your friend.  I try to be your friend.  When I find myself giving up on being your friend you shock me.  In person.  You're warm and welcoming and it makes me question everything.  Perhaps I shouldn't have told you that I think you are cute and sweet but you are, it's true.  Why hold that back?  It doesn't mean I want you, another boy a million miles away holds that spot for me - though that first hug did catch me by surprise.  I wonder if my seeing you regularly - in passing - is what keeps us from hanging out - no need to make time for someone you see so often... but there's so much more to share, stories to be told though I find myself giving up, tired of asking.  It shouldn't be this hard, it's simple really.  I want to be your friend.

7/3... a rush of emotions

I thought of you today when I heard the news...

Terror and fear paralyzed me when I saw the headline, afraid to read further...
Relief and then guilt flooded through me as I realised it (thankfully) wasn't you...
Sympathy and compassion came next as I thought of you over there, the loss of your comrade, your friend...

I tried to recall the stories you'd told me, if I'd ever heard his name... was he the one with the little girl you always talked about and does it even matter - he was someone's father, someone's wife... I'll never know and that's the scary part.  The unknown, the unknowing.  But I get it now, what you were trying to tell me, what you being here just couldn't quite convey.  I get it and I'll continue to recognise it over and over until you're back once again, until I can wrap my arms around you and know that you're safe.

I want to tell you I'm sorry, for what you have to deal with but I can't and I know you wouldn't want to hear it anyway, at least not now.  But know that you're in my thoughts, every day.  I smile when I remember something silly.  I shake my head when I recall the ridiculousness of how things were left. But mostly I reflect on how how much you matter to me, how I came to care for you so quickly and easily - a connection formed in the early summer days.  I miss you and that's okay but it's the worrying that I have to learn to deal with.  Your last words though, they echo through my mind.  It will be okay.  I trust that.  It will be okay.

Your silence obviously indicates you don't want to have dinner with me but at least respect me enough to say so.  I get that you're a professed 'bad friend' and you really don't give a fuck but I also know that you do enjoy spending time with me and on occassion even look forward to it so stop treating me like shit - we both know you're smart enough to be fully aware that you are acting like an ass and for reasons that I don't understand... you say you're not ignoring me when I ask you about it so I have no clue at all what's going on.. if you just want me to leave you alone say so, it's not really that complicated.  It's all on you...

Thankful(?) Things Thursday

So thursday's are supposed to be for thankful things so lets see what we can do about it after this revelation...

-I lost my job today, with the market such as it is I became redundant and so... there was that.  It is basically why I'm allowed to live in Australia right now so I'm a little stressed to find another one at the moment but let's focus on the good instead...

-There are a ton of jobs in Perth for someone 1) in my line of work (mining) 2) with my experience (almost 15 years) and 3) with my background (it's pretty solid)
-Turns out it's not so hard to transfer a 457 visa so that's hopeful - all those jobs that say must be allowed to legally work in Australia (I can check yes)
-Applied for a million jobs already today (from my current job) - it was only probably about 10 but still... it gives me a solid feeling
-From all those jobs I applied to I have already heard back from one recruitment agency and have a meeting with the guy on Monday (and who said specifically that he would like to work directly with me to find my next position)
-If I'm really honest with myself it's a good thing given that while I love it here in Perth I wasn't loving my job so much and wasn't doing anything to change it because of a) the visa and b) because it's easier not too so I'm seeing this as a positive (once the stress of finding a new job is over and done)
-Turns out I have a few more (not many but still) industry contacts here than I thought
-I still get paid for the next 4 weeks
-And I have sufficient savings to not have to worry about money for a good while
-I haven't yet booked that flight back to North America for July
-I'm leaving early today to do a WOD with a good friend... he's awesome and wants to cheer me up - thanks Tim

So that's the positive side of things and we'll leave it at that... I did shed a few tears earlier once the shock wore off and the task of searching and stressing hit me but those are done and it honestly feels a lot better to write this out and move on from it... things always work out right?

May 21, 2012

You're still here and already I miss you.  Selfishly, I just want you to call me, ask me to come over, to just sit... simply be.  I want you to be selfish and ask for my hugs but for reasons I can't understand you don't want to.  You'd prefer to cut me out - I believe I'll hear from you again, you've promised me that with a twinkle in your eye but still I wonder if you'll ever truly let me into your world.  I've opened up, shared my words with you, nothing to regret in all this.  If I am truly not what you want I'll accept that.  But still you promise me the future in the brief and abstract way that you can and you offer me words of your own, of reassurance that though unneeded are a treasure to my ears.  I just want another moment, another hug, a passionate kiss.  A few more precious minutes before you go leave again but I can't tell you this.  I can't ask anymore.  We both know now that it's completely up to you.  Everything is up to you.

One

May 20, 2012

I promise to never cry when you leave.  Even as I'm wrapped in your strong arms, while you whisper the comforting words of 'it's going to be alright'.  I will never cry - at least not in your presence.

Over the past week the tears have come.  Unexpectedly.  Unrelentingly.  They washed over me as I drove away from your house one last time - this time at least.  And they fell once again as a simple act brought you back to mind - a walk down my street, a coffee shared, a run on the beach.  A smile for all the happy times spreads across my face as the tears overwhelm me for brief moments, torrents of raw emotion spewing forth from this situation that I've never faced before.

The tears don't come from fear or from worry - though I appreciate dearly your secure words, still trying to make me, you - feel safe.  No, the tears, they're shed because I miss you already.  For my hopes of the future that may never come - that you may never offer to me.  They fall for all the missed moments we've had since you've been back - I wish I'd savored you  more, every instant - that you hadn't pushed me away so much.  I yearn for your return if only to learn more, to cherish you and just be as people.  Together.  But this time it's harder...

All the other times, the days - weeks - were easy to count, the return date so exact - brief.  But this time the distance looms large - the days and weeks are now months.  Months.  A year.  I know in retrospect it will all pass in a flash - for me at least - but now, at the start line it seems endless, unbearable.  It's daunting.  And so I write to you, for there is no other avenue to connect.  I channel my thoughts and my stories into these letters.  These letters to you.

Weekly Reflection

It's been a pretty stellar week though I'm lacking time to fully update it so here are the main points in no particular order:

-Met Melanie (melaniecanrun) at breakfast yesterday and it was a ton of fun - we are both complete crossfit/paleo addicts and it was amusing I'm sure to our two non-crossfit/paleo companions
-Rawsome is Awesome...  Melanie so kindly surprised me with some treats from Rawsome and they were unbelievable.  https://www.facebook.com/gorawsome
-beach run, ocean swim, coffee, great friend... no much else needs to be said
-NSV - getting picked up by this great friend and held off my feet and not worrying if I "might" be too heavy (clearly I am not)
-SUPing with dolphins!
-busy days and quiet nights
-olympic lifting technique sessions
-Rx-ing (running) Fran and moreso knowing that I own pull-ups now, no going back as Coach Kirst said.

-3 hour skype calls with best friends half a world away - eating dinner while she's having breakfast - felt just like hanging out

It was a great 7 days of solid and varied workouts, new friends and old friends.  Nothing could be better.  Here's to another great week!

Thankful Things Thursday

-New clothes - I dislike shopping but when everything is too big it's a requirement - new dress - size XS?  Yup, I'll take it.
-The cute little lady at the market - every single weekend for as long as I can remember - she's been giving me an extra mango - secretly, it's always hushed when she says "you can have one more" and it always makes me smile.  Sadly mango season has come to an end.
-Knowing and believing in my heart that we only get one (finite) life on this planet and there's no use spending it any other way than happy... you define your happiness - it will change, perhaps daily but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm starting to let go of what I think the future should look like and replace it what today should be like because today is what matters most... every day.
-Olympic Lifting sessions and getting stronger.  Most days, no matter how good or bad they've been are always made better by a good crossfit session and I'm loving learning technique to get even better still.
-Last minute weekend WODs with good friends.  Handstand pushups and handstand walks.  Being able to do pullups in the park and not needing a band.  Love.  Winner buys coffee is the best and only rule.
-Coffee
-Learning to let go - of people specifically... even ones you care deeply about because sometimes it's the only option, I know I can't control anyone but myself and how I choose to feel/be.  It doesn't mean the caring stops though.
-New shoes, and obnoxiously bright pink shoelaces for those shoes.
-Travel plans... they're still indefinite (flights are expensive!) but they're forming and that makes me really excitedly happy.
-I am extremely thankful for electricity.  After 15 hours without it last weekend I was overjoyed when the power company finally came and fixed the line.  It's amazing how creepy a place can seem just knowing you can't turn on a light versus normal every day darkness.  Yes, power.

New Dress/ blurry photo

A reminder...

I'm the girl who:

-drives too fast down a tiny one way street but just can't help herself
-has terrible fears of not having an epic love and growing old alone
-doesn't have many friends but is loyal and faithful to the ones I have an once they're in my heart they are there forever no matter how much time or distance comes between us
-feels more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt but looks pretty damn hot in a dress and a great pair of heels. 
-goes along with societies norms but doesn't quite fit into them
-doesn't belong to cities but rather to the world and can't imagine ever having roots to just one place
-has three places that I call home, where I am now, Vancouver and wherever my parents live
-loves simplicity though I too often cause complications in my external world
-has no musical talent and yet can't live without the sound of it in my life
-loves love hip hop and classic rock yet will always crank up the radio to sing along to the sappy late 80's power ballads that shaped my formative years
-wishes on stars and eyelashes knowing that neither have the capacity to make my dreams come true
-loves domesticity and cooking and cottages and yet I sit at a desk 9-5 monday to friday and finding it both sometimes rewarding and often stifling
-understands how it's easy to give your body away when you don't care about the other though anything but easy when you do
-knows heartbreak and the void of people leaving but has learned through the years that it's not always about me though even when it is I learn and get stronger for the next time
-feels anything worth having is worth taking a bit of risk on
-realises that there are no guarantees in life but sometimes trust is enough with the right person.
-wants a marriage but doesn't think the wedding is necessary though in my mind I can picture the dress I'd love to wear
-is strong and composed but sometimes also completely lost inside and that we're all really the same in this regard
-yearns for love but often finds it hard to let myself *be* loved
-believes there is one other out there for her, that one person that you feel like you've known for years and you choose each other
-thinks that it's better to fight when things gets hard rather than walking away, giving up
-trusts that things worth having are sometimes complicated but ultimately worth it
-believes that sometimes you just have to jump and trust that another person is going to stick with you through the ups and downs and won't walk away even when so many people have walked away before
-is terrified of so many things and yet standing strong afraid to share these secrets
-is full of emotions and curiosity and wonder and my mind never stops trying to 'figure it all out' even though there are rarely any answers
-expects the best from anyone even as I'm constantly let down because of it
-often gets hurt when I open my heart but wouldn't have it any other way
-spent too much time hiding and pushing people away and I don't want to do it anymore
-doesn't want regrets and is willing to take the risks
-wants a person in her life to share moments with, the silliness and laughter, coming and going through time
-loves roadtrips, a fast car, the hwy, windows down and music turned up LOUD
-things that the best part of traveling is the first breath of fresh air when you step off the plane
-enjoys paddling - outrigger, stand up, surfski
-has been single longer than not but I'd rather be alone than to settle for anything less that perfect (for me)
-is an only child and enjoy my independence and space
-loves dusk as the world slows down in that transition from day to night
-dislikes Halloween and New Years
-thinks the sound of laughter is beautiful
-hates wearing shoes
-loves the water but can't really swim
-enjoys playing, revisiting youthful days
-has a strong affection for my bed and lazy mornings spent in it
-loves a good thunderstorm sitting by a fire
-can't pass a used bookstore without going inside and admiring the contents within

April 13, 2012

The past 3.5 hours have been spent on a patio, shapeless conversation, smiles and laughter and red wine. I'm left now thinking of you - of the numbered days.  Of a want, a need to call you, to see you.  Just be in the same space.  But I can't, I know that.  I know that it only pushes you away, that things need to be on your time, your control.  And so I'll wait.  Silent.  And I'll hope that you will reach out, want to spend time with me too before you leave again.  Before the space of months loom before us.  You've promised me once.  Dinner.  But I still hope for more than that.  I'll never tell you though.

*******

I adore you as we balance this line between friends and more and back to friends because caring is hard and scary.  I don't mind it though.  And yes, sometimes the distance is hard, well, not the distance itself but the distance that seems to exist when we're in the same city.  I get it.  Had fair warning. I know where I stand, it's all on me.  But I can't give you up, don't want to.  And even as we stay friends, just friends, I have no urge to date anyone else, can't bring myself to look because none are like you and I like you, a lot, just the way you are, no matter the distance.  Now if only you could see that.

Thankful Things Thursday...

-Getting mail - real mail, not junk mail or bill mail but actually letters from friends.  It was the best card from my best friend... it was also shocking to realize that I've known her close to 17 years!

-Coffee.  Can this have a permanent spot on this list.  It truly makes me happy every single day.  And the guys in the coffee shop across the street have taken to having it ready for me pretty much as I walk in the door.  Happy!

-Rocking unassisted pull-ups and toes to bar.  I'm happy with the progress I've made over the last few months.  I'm also excited to have finally gotten my first full depth unassisted dip.

-Knowing when to step back a bit.  I'm taking another 4 days off from crossfit for a number of reasons but I like the fact that I'm in tune with my body and mind to know when I need this and to not feel guilty for doing it.

-Massages.  Going in a few hours for a well earned and much needed massage.  Not only will I be resting my body but I'll be caring for it too.

-Being happy.  Just this.  It sounds so simplistic and trite but I'm truly happy with who I am and where I am at.   I say this having come from such a long period of my life where I was more often than not unhappy.  I'm not by any means saying things are perfect (hello silly boy) but I find that I can deal with unexpected situations or things that don't go my way with some grace and understanding better than I could and I can accept that ultimately it will all work out just as it needs to (it got me this far so it has to be true).

This makes me happy...

Daisies - my favorite!

March 26, 2012

I've written to you a million times over the last 6 months and yet I sit here and struggle to start this.  It's not because I don't have things to say but rather because I don't know where the line is between supportive and selfish is right now - in this situation.  The one where we both care and yet still struggle.  I understand.  Perhaps that's the only approach I can take?

Unlike what you believe, I don't always get my way but this time it's different.  Sure I'd love (want!) a relationship with you in whatever form that looks like, know I could handle the distance as long as you were here with me when you're back but I know that you can't (won't?) give that to me and I understand.  I truly do.  I understand the part where you don't want to have to think of anyone back home while you're over there, no distractions, no worries back here.  I get how there are times you'd leave unknowingly and suddenly and that you think that is selfish to whomever might care for you.  It's partly why I struggle with my need to ask you to call me when you get back - I care but I get why you won't (can't).  I'll be thinking of you anyway.

I wonder sometimes who you are trying to protect, you or me?  You've often repeated how it's selfish of you to get involved because of your career but I also think you have a fear of getting left behind as well.  I remember the first time you went away that I thought that maybe you worried that I'd change my mind on you before you returned - that somehow I might regret that kiss.  But then you left again and I realised that it was in fact the opposite.  I had a fear that you'd come back and have changed your mind on me.  Wouldn't want to kiss me anymore.  But you did, again and again and that mattered and makes me feel selfish.

My struggle lately, and yes, we've discussed it all - was the pushing (the hiding) - so clearly evident that you were pushing me away even as you cared about me in return.  I get it though - it's different this time.  The stakes are higher, the distance so vast, the timing much longer.  I don't mind the space though, I understand your independence and how much your work means to you.  Matters most.  But it's just knowing you care about me - which I know now - that matters too.

Part of the struggle for me to write these words is that I've said most everything I wanted to say to you the other night and I'm so glad that I did - that we talked.  I am finding it easier to open up to you, to have these conversations that I've never been any good at - you give me patience and I become more rational with you (even when it means letting go of what I want most - you).  You let me talk even when it takes me forever to get my words out so thank you for letting me - to maintain the connection by sitting in your lap too.  You could have easily pushed me off but you didn't and I think that still says a lot.  Also, I enjoyed that closeness.  It's why I want to spend the night with you - we'd both let down our walls and just be and I think it'd be beautiful, magical but I get that it also opens up a whole new level of caring - for both of us - neither of us very good at doing things half way.  Perhaps one day though.

It's funny realy - in an 'it puts a smile on my face' way - how your actions, your body speaks so much louder than your words.  Your kisses speak volumes - and your hugs - the perfect fit that always last a little bit longer.  These - they drive my need to see you - always.  I'm going to miss that.  You.  But I know not to push (not anymore than I already have), I know I can't even begin to understand what you're facing in the next year but I do grasp your need to let go.  Where does that leave us? As friends I hope, I'll be here when you get back full of hugs (and kisses?) saved up just for you and I hope you'll call/ come collect them.

I'm going to still write to you too - perhaps send emails (though I'm not sure you'll get them even if you wanted to).  And maybe, perhaps you'll realize I'm not actually going anywhere and you'll start to trust me - let me in.  That you can count on me always.

I'll miss you!

~J.

March 24, 2012

You are missing out.  It's that simple.  I'm a good person, a happy person, a fun person.  I haven't always been, it's not just ego talking.  I've spent years learning, listening to my instincts, guidance from good friends.  Growing.  I like this place I'm at.  You're just a small part.  Sure, you make me happy in the rare moments we spend together but in the in betweens? I'm just as content.  Alone or surround by others, I'm me.

I'm the person that cares deeply but doesn't often show it.  When you see my smile you know it's real.  Genuine.  I'm strong and confident though I hide a soft, squishy center deep inside.  You've been lucky enough to have seen some of it, whether you get more though remains to be seen.  I want that connection with you but we've hit a roadblock, a river we need to get across but we can't do it alone, apart.

I'm still the girl you fell for, I'm quiet and shy, silly and serious.  I care too much about everything in my life to the point that it all hurts me at some point.  I used to run away from it all, hide out when they all got too close but now, now I'd rather feel the ups and downs than to coast through the mundane, the consistent.  I'm the girl who doesn't need every day but the one who wants the years, the soul mate with lives entwined.  Coming and going but always to each other.  Carnal, primal.  Real.  Honest.

I get you - we're so much of the same.  But I don't know where we go from here.  I'm alone in my happiness while you're running away from such a great thing.  Turn around - you'll see it's not so bad.

MArch 23, 2012... classic rock memories...

Classic Rock on the radio.  Sitting near the water.  Early night where darkness has fully settled in but there is still some slight movement in the world.  It all came flooding back.  Long forgotten memories of years past.  Nearly two decades.  Alice Cooper and the Eagles brought it back.  Sitting near the river staring at the dock.  Waiting for you to arrive.  Red van then blue truck.  I can still picture them clearly every detail though your face blurs in my mind.  Budweiser soaked haze.  There's going to be a heartache tonight.

Cell phones didn't exist back then, quick phone calls the others house, fingers crossed a parent wouldn't answer.  Steppenwolf.   Illicit rendezvous though everyone knew.  Born to be wild... It was convenience more than anything, needs met without any pressure.  Emotionless.  Silent.  Perfect.  It was all I could handle back then.  All I could handle for such a long time.  Self-destructive.  Scared.  I wonder sometimes if I'm being punished now for all the hurt I caused back then.

Cheap Trick.  Thinking about him now.  Wanting him while I remember you.  I want him to want me.  Fully.  Like you wanted me then.  I'm stronger now then I was then though.  Know my limits.  My words.  I need to voice them though and he's now silent.  Emotionless.  Like I was back then.  Full circle?  I need you to need me.

This, I want this... to truly feel...

“I think it’s great for two people to be together. That is a good number. I think, that to keep it alive though, you can’t spend every day together. It wears out the magic, Love means nothing to me if it’s not fortified with fierce, painful longing, brief explosive instances of furious passion and intimacy and then a sad parting for a time. In that way, you can give your life to it and still have a life of your own. I think some couples spend too much time together. They flatten out the potential for experience by constant closeness. Passion builds over time like steam. Let it rage until it’s exhausted and then leave it alone to let it build up again. Why can’t love be insane and distorted? How can it be vital if it has the same threshold as normal day-to-day experience? Why can’t you write burning letters and let your nocturnal self smolder with desire for one who is not there? Why not let the days before you see her be excruciating and ferment in your mind so on the day you go to the airport to pick her up, you’re nearly sick with anticipation? And then when desire shows the first sign of contentment, throw it back in its cage and let it slowly build itself back into a state of starved fury. Then when you are together, it all matters. So that when you look into her eyes, you lose your balance, so that when she touches you, it feels like you have never been touched before. When she says your name, you think it was she who named you. When she has gone, you bury your face in the pillow to smell her hair and you lie awake at night remembering your face in her neck, her breathing and the amazing smell of her skin. Your eyes go wet because you want her so bad and miss her so much. Now that is worth the miles and the time. That matches the inferno of life. Otherwise you poison each other with your presence day after day as you drag each other through the inevitable mundane aspects of your lives. That is the slow death that I see slapped on faces everywhere I go. It’s part of the world’s sadness that’s more empty than cold, poorly lit rooms in cities of the American night.”

—	Henry Rollins

Thankful Things Thursday...

Things I’m thankful for today (Thankful Things Thursday is something I got from Ali on the Run’s blog)…

-The guys at my regular coffee shop (across from my office) not only know my name but also start to make my drink as they see me coming (flat white thank you very much).  Today it was made for me as I finished paying.  Super sweet!

-My crossfit coaches… they continually are helping me to get better everyday.  Last night I got to do toes to bar (T2B) again and it rocked thanks to the technique tips and feedback I got from Coach Tim during 12.3.  They actually felt easy and I could have probably strung together more than 4 in a row if my hands didn’t hurt so much.

-The body that I have - it’s healthy and now in better shape than ever (probably since my teens) because I have found crossfit and have (easily) adopted better eating habits (without portion control or calorie counting).  The weight is still dropping off without effort and I barely recognize my reflection as I walk down the road - I still think I’m bigger than I am.  I love my body the way it is and what it can do for me - my strength is amazing

-Knowing what I’m worth - it’s a struggle for me since I always see the best in people, can read through their shit but never have had the courage to call them on it.  That’s about to change because I’m worth it - if what I have to say forever pushes someone away then they’re not meant to be in my life.  I am strong enough to stand up for myself but also to walk away and still know that it’s not me who is the problem

-Living in Australia - it’s so far from everything I’ve ever known but the past 8.5 months have been outstanding.  I’ll be going ‘home’ for a visit in July (summer) and I swear I’ll be wearing jeans and a hoody thing it’s cold after all the 30+ weather we’ve had the past few months (I LOVE the heat)

What are you thankful for today?

March 20, 2012 - missing you even while you're here...

Too many other things to focus on than you and yet I can't get you out of my head... it's this missing - the missing you while you're right down the road, missing you more while you're here than the weeks when you're miles away. 

Don't take the easy route...

Life Decisions by Josh Bridges

"The easy things in life are not worth doing, because everyone can do them. It is the hard stuff that is worth your time and effort."

Especially applicable to my next post...

March 14, 2012 - on love?

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”

—	Zooey Deschanel

 
I had a friend who once told me "You fall in love too easily!" when I wrote about a trip to Alaska and I do at least in terms of the world at large, places and memories... people though -that's another story, I think I've only ever truly loved one other in a romantic sense... I long for that feeling again though, I'm open and hopeful... I know it'll come in time.

A Quote...

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day- those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need.

March 10, 2012

lifesaver kisses
I'm glad your backs
mirroring smiles
ocean waves
dolphins glistening in the sun
salty skin
tangled hair
bbq burgers
cold showers
40 degree
spectacular
an autumn day...

Feb 27, 2012... freeform

The last time you left I thought about you often, I analyzed every little detail that you'd left in your wake, the kisses, the groping, the whispered warning of pulling away and of hurting yourself.  I didn't know what it meant, it all caught me by surprise and I questioned, constantly searched for the answers that weren't there to be found... and so, upon your return I was still lost, still pursuing the details rather than enjoying the moments, time spent with you, learning, laughing, being us.  I'm sorry for that shift, I'm sure it caught you by surprise.

This time though it's different. I think of you less - not because I don't miss you but rather because I'm not trying to figure it all out any more.  I am confident that whatever is meant to be will and that nothing I do or say will change your thoughts on me - whatever they are - I can only be me, the one you couldn't help but kiss in the first place. 

This time I focus on the memories, the ones that I am randomly reminded of as I live my life... eating grapes, driving up the hill by my house (you can't flex cardio), recalling Bruce and your telling me how he is hard of hearing, sitting on my steps and just talking, of monsters and dragons - the little things, silly things - they all make me smile.  And there are the deeper recollections as I drift off to sleep... the thought that we've shared parts of ourselves that we often keep hidden, of the stories expelled over coffee, dinner - stories of our families, our childhoods, our yearning for adventures and of seeing the world. tins cans buried in the yard.  How much we've offered to each other over a few shorts months - how I feel like I've known you for years.  But there is also the apprehension - the doubts that creep in when I see you looking for others, signed in to the site where we met.  The fear I feel when I recall your words, the warnings that make me question your actions - contradictions. I prepare myself for being let go. 

But in the face of it all I have hope... it's rooted deep within me and though I've hidden it for years it now shines through. I always see the good even as the warnings run deep - heart over head every single time.  To me it's worth it - those moments of just being real, of being alive, being human.  It's remaining open even in the face of rejection - of feeling the good and experiencing the bad - that makes life matter.  Living full on every day.  And so when you return perhaps things move forward, we continue to build on the memories, the adventures - so many things still to do... but perhaps, sadly, they drift - left behind on that beautiful November night when you first kissed me... a thought I can't even finish writing, for I'm still too hopeful.  Come back.

Feb 24... purging...

I think of you less this time, it's different, we're different.  We didn't separate on a passionate kiss - a moment that left my heart racing and my breath coming in gasps, electricity pouring through you into me, me into you.  A kiss that changed things.  Confused things.  No this time we left things carefully, tentatively.  Brief kisses, a connection without the heat - tender yet unsure of what we're doing, where we're going, what comes next.  An affectionate embrace, simple.  A slow dance as we made plans for the future that are less defined, less concrete.  But still I think of you.  Miss you.  Yearn for the taste of your lips, the fire in your finger tips as they grope and grasp.  I want that night back, without the confusion of the distance - round one.

I don't want to start over - the base we've established is solid, years of knowing from just a few short months but I do want those conversations back.  The ones not influenced by physical connections but rather the raw, unguarded words that spew forth for hours on end.  The ones where I mention a future family in the same breath as not wanting roots.  I want to say that my thoughts have shifted on the former but not so much the latter - you've made me think, question, learn.  How I want a life full of adventure and passion and that the distance, separation doesn't bother me when I know you're coming back. 

I want to simply lie beside you on the floor, skin grazing skin innocently as your leg brushes mine.  Electric.  I want to speak to you openly without fear of you running away - a warning solely whispered on the breath of an intense embrace - words that still echo in my mind, full of questions.  I have felt moments of you pulling back already and that scares me, my reactions not so graceful, intense.  I'm sorry - I'm still here.

I am interested in what fuels you on the inside, what defines you besides what you do... I hope someday you'll trust me enough to share your hopes and your dreams, your fears.  You worry so much about not being enough for me but I wonder, want to ask - what is it you covet, that you crave?  You.  Will you ever let another (me?) get close enough to take care of you the way you take care of me? Relinquish just an ounce of control.  And what does your future look like - the one you imagine as you drift off to sleep?

I am curious of what is it you feel you can't give to me - I still don't know.  I've seen who you are, I understand the complexities and I like you all the same.  More. What I desire, truly, is the man I met one sunny Sunday morning with a smile that lights up his eyes, the one who exposed his excitement in a text sent soon after, the one who passionately kisses me in the kitchen because he just can't hold back any longer.  I need the man who is one of the bravest I know and yet is terrified of small humans and monsters under the bed.  The one who graciously and eagerly cares for me in so many ways, who makes me happy.  Better.  I don't care about the uncertainties or the distance in fact they allow me to grow, to understand fully my strength and to cherish the times when you're here - the moments I do share with you.  I will never ask for more, I don't need more.  Just you and me, together - having fun, sharing stories, laughing and kissing and being exactly who we are.  Simple needs.

And so I wait for your return, for that phone call that comes days later each time as you slowly drift away - your fear of being left behind giving you away.  But this time, upon your return - instead of a tentative embrace I will throw my arms around you, absorb the weariness seeping through your soul.  I will kiss you, with genuine passion and most importantly, this time, I will not leave the words unspoken - I miss you, I'm glad you're back- and they will be true.  Honest.  For even if I never saw you again, I'd miss you - always for you are a beautiful person that I'm glad to share part of this life with.

Feb 11, 2012

I apologize in advance for how unfluid and unstructured the following words are going to be but I’m writing without alcohol and that’s just how it goes (and yes I really need a monstrously large glass of red right now!)

So here goes…

I don’t get where we as men and women became unable to say the word ‘no’ or even better yet became unable to hear the word ‘no’.  Maybe it’s ingrained in us from birth where as children ‘no’ only meant you wanted something more, to break the rules because that ‘no’ prevented you from something you really wanted, something exciting and adventurous and perhaps even at times dangerous but now, as adults?  No isn’t a bad word, it doesn’t mean you can’t move on or a relationship is crumbling it is merely a difference in wants at that moment in time.

Don’t get me wrong, some ‘no’s truly do matter but I’m talking about the everyday requests here - if a girl you’re dating or involved with asks you to go and see The Vow with her (and any girl worth dating probably shouldn’t) there are two ways to respond - say yes, suck it up and make her happy for two hours or to say no.  And girls, if he says no, accept it.  Plain and simple.  Make plans with your girlfriends, wait til it comes out on dvd, whatever but you have no right to be upset with your guy for not wanting to do something that you want to do - granted if this became an everyday occurrence then I’d say it’s time you found another guy.

My point is that somewhere along the way it seems that we’ve lost our ability to stand up to each other in a non-confrontational way.  I think that through our adult years we’ve been conditioned to know that saying yes is the path of least resistance, go along with the norm to keep everyone happy, placated.  But we’ve also lost pure passion along the way too, our ability to go our own way, on our own, do our own thing, a stretch of selfishness.  Even just for a moment of time.  Two people together are not always going to walk the same road but that’s okay, the roads will reconverge but those moment of solitude?  HEALTHY!

The reason agreeing is easier? It’s because we’re asking loaded questions - questions we already have an invested interest in.  The positive response.  Expectations - the outcome so clearly defined in our minds though without that first response it all falls apart…  Stop having expectations of anyone but yourself… it doesn’t work.  If you ask a question expecting a positive reply and you get a ‘no’ of course you’re going to be upset, you’re going to pout and your guy will (possibly) feel a little guilty but really?  He shouldn’t.  And you shouldn’t.  Be strong enough to be on your own.  Be in a relationship because you want to share adventures and laughter and love WITHOUT expectations. Learn to hear the word ‘no’, it’s not the end of the world.

This - “I enjoy making someone I care about feel special.” - this is the most important part about a relationship.  It doesn’t mean seeing a movie you don’t want to or being afraid to ask for what you want - but at the end of the day it is about wanting the best for that person.  It’s not about the big things, the romantic holidays.  It’s about the everyday, the smiles that only you understand, the knowing looks.  It’s about a random surprise just because you felt like it… it’s about remembering the little things like her favorite flowers (not roses, never roses) or his favorite wine.  Those things matter so much more than hearing a simple ‘no’.

But then again, you don’t have to listen to me - my last relationship… well my last relationship was perfect to everyone else… he was deemed “the perfect” guy in every single way and I was “the bitch” for ending things - and why?  Because he couldn’t tell me ‘no’ and he couldn’t stand on his own.  I want an equal, not someone who turns his whole world into mine.  But that’s just me… and no one is bringing me my favorite flowers…

Feb 1 - a quote

This resonated with me today and it's something I'm going to try and always remember...

"things that are hard to say are usually the most important:"

Jan 15...

Who do you tell your secrets to? Your fears? Your wildest dreams? Or do you keep them all locked tightly up inside afraid to let them see the light of day?  Solely yours and yours alone?

Jan 14...

It's nights like this that I wish I could just drop by your place on my way home - a surprise visit just because you crossed my mind on the late night drive - how I want to tell you about my coworkers 40th birthday party and how he hired a 'little person' to fulfill his Fantasy Island theme, I think you'd appreciate the humour in it all... how you'd smile and laugh... 

And as I drive only a few streets over from your place, I think of you but I don't stop - though you're probably there...  I don't see your sparkling eyes reflecting your laughter... we're not there yet but maybe in time... maybe you'll let me in enough to know it's okay, unexpected visits... maybe... until then I'll save my stories for you...

Jan 13...

Knowing you're in town still and that I've already said good-bye is hard... it's easier when you're no longer here...

and yes, I'm now just assuming you read this... 

Jan 9 - a long time coming...

This post has taken me some time to write - to start writing - though it's been brewing in my head since the holidays, the new year.  It's not a list of resolutions and I don't necessarily believe in defined goals since we as humans are constantly changing and growing and if I *had* goals they never would have included 'move to Australia' so there's also that... so that's been my struggle - what then does this become?  I think - have been thinking - that's more an extravagant 'to do' list, conceptual... for this year, for the upcoming years - places to go, things to see, connections to make... things that I want from my future in however undefined way that evolves... and yes I'll be clear - they *are* constantly changing, always... always open to whatever presents itself in this moment for who knows what beauty a simple choice can bring...

And here once again I struggle with the words while only now (slowly) learning that I deserve everything I want... I know I can't always have specifics but the concepts, they will be mine but it's hard to voice them, hard when you know deep down that sometimes it's better to let go than to try and make something that isn't right work... it's true that the truth does hurt sometimes but it's all making me better, always better.

In December 2009 I spent a month in Ireland and fell in love with the country as I often do - I do fall in love with things often, privately... a place, a moment, an idea - I have always fallen in love easily with things, less so with people but I care - deeply - often to my detriment but yet I wouldn't have it any other way... I want to live passionately, always full on - I'd rather be feeling highs and lows, it let's me know I'm still alive... living.

And so... again after a pause to once again collect my thoughts.... my dreams, resolutions, objectives - whatever they may be called... things that I will strive for this year and through my life... a list:

-I want to fall in love... truly, with someone who is willing to fall in love back - fearless - or at least will to risk it... without running from it...  I'm getting closer every day - to being the person who can look beyond the (potential) hurt to actually live out loud.  This is scary - for me - for others but I can't do it any other way - I can't do half way.  I don't want half way.  I want a life, independent and entwined with someone else - not endless days of time together but brilliant moments making memories, reveling in the closeness and then yearning in the days spent apart, endless thoughts drifting, stories saved to share upon the next encounter.  Someone who challenges me and makes me better and gets that and more in return - someone willing to let all that in... "to be passionately in love with the present instead of hopelessly infatuated with the idea of the future"

-I want to travel... far and wide, exploring all corners of this world we live in - savoring the experiences - the culture and language, the pace and customs... I want months spent in foreign places beyond our technological borders, disconnected.  La Tomatina, Everest base camp, costa rica, greece, cuba...

-I don't want roots... I want freedom to roam, to pack up my (meager) belongings and relocate to another city, country, continent... and I want to be with someone who shares this craving - so many places to know, to discover... places that become part of me.  Australia, South and Central America... "passport stamps as adequate stand-ins for a mortgage"

 -I want a job that I love, that challenges me... and I want a pure outlet for my creativity, my writing.  I want to find focus rather than personal pieces that have no common theme or structure.  I'd love to write a book but I'm still unsure on what that would sound like.

-I want to continue my quest to be stronger, better.  Choosing the healthy and physical without sacrificing the wonderful... moderation.  I've gotten stronger and I want to keep going - bigger goals, movements.  Muscle-up, pull-ups (unassisted), learning to love burpees, my surfski..

Overall I want to continue to live a passionate life full of flavour... I don't want to sit back and watch the world go by I want to be a part of it, savoring the days and realising with every breathe that we only get once chance and time passes too quickly.   If anything, the past year has taught me that bold choices do work out - unexpected offers become brilliant stepping stones to so much more.

I've learned that saying good-bye is hard but it's sometimes for the best and that there are people out there who no matter the time or distance will always have your back - and there are some that get tied up in themselves, too busy - and you have to let them go - anyone who *wants* to be in your life will always find the time - bullshit is overrated and requires too much energy, letting go is sometimes just better... we all deserve to live a beautiful life full of love and laughter and it's up to me to ensure that my life is full of it... that's my mantra if you will - life a life full of love and let go of things that no longer bring me happiness...